Rumplestiltkin
By Ursula
Notes: B Flat over G
Time Frame: The eve of never never
 
Once there was a Russian spy who was poor, but who had a beautiful son from his liaison with a lovely gypsy naif. As female love interests will do, the Gypsy woman only hung around long enough to become pregnant. Since the alternative was dead or jailed, this was not such a bad deal. She then disappeared and only reappeared to thrust the beautiful green eyed child into Illya's hands and gasp an enigmatic, *Rosebud* before she disappeared again, coughing dramatically and trailing pink and white camellias.
Now the reason the spy had no money was that once, when his partner, Napoleon, had been left solo to stir the pot in which the war was kept warm, he had strayed off in pursuit of a beautiful French spy. When he came home, the war had become quite cold. Soon they had no money to rub together since they had relied on the tension between their two countries to keep them in business after their rich uncle died.
In any event, that part of the story ended happily enough, as Napoleon and Illya found that rubbing against each other was more fun than having two coins to ignite friction. As for the tension, Napoleon's tendency to stray kept that intact.
Now it so happened that Napoleon was sent to offer the two former spies services to the king. By this time, Illya's son, Alex, was a beautiful young man. Napoleon had done the right thing and adopted him after Illya and he lived in Holland long enough to marry. They each paid an equal share of the wedding, as it was a Dutch treat.
Despite the many years that had elapsed, Napoleon was still a very handsome and able man. Every time, he started to grow old, he had a Star Trek crossover written and he and Illya beamed into young bodies. So they were well able to work. However, the king had his eyes on more fashionable spies...someone like James Bond perhaps.
It hurt Napoleon's ego to be so disregarded. As the king showed Napoleon about, he bragged about the fine lace that was woven in the kingdom. Thoughtlessly, he bragged, "My partner and I have a beautiful son, the most beautiful son that ever saw the light of day. He is as clever as he is lovely. He can even spin straw into gold."
Little did Napoleon think that anyone would take him seriously! For the most part, his lies only garnered a little corporal punishment.
The king said to the spy, "That is an art which pleases me well; if your son is as clever as you say, bring him tomorrow to the palace, and I will put him to the test".
Napoleon went home and had to tell Illya what he had done. Needless to say, the Russian agent was very upset. He loved his son, Alex, very dearly and he never wanted the boy to be put at risk. He immediately decided that they should flee the country.
Alas, the king anticipated their flight and had all the borders guarded. There was no way that they could slip out of the country, not even on a banana boat.
Soon Illya, Napoleon, and Alex were brought to the palace. Now among the richly appointed courtiers, there was one who was drably dressed and who said nothing, just smiled around the cigarettes he incessantly smoked. He watched everything with pale blue eyes as cold as Hades.
The king had Alex brought into a room which was quite full of straw, gave him a spinning wheel and a reel, and said: Now set to work, and if by tomorrow morning early you have not spun this straw into gold during the night, you must die".
Thereupon he himself locked the room, and left her in it alone. So there sat the Russian spy's son, and for the life of him, he could not tell what to do. How could he ever spin straw into gold? He was very intelligent and went over and over the element table, but there was no way to transform any of the elements. At last, he begin to weep and not single tears either. He wept until his sweet little nose was quite red.
Just as Alex gave into complete despair, the smoking man entered with a huge Swiss guardsman. He smirked and said, "Hello, Alex, I've been wanting to meet you. I think we can make an arrangement."
Now Alex knew right away that this was a bad thing. He could tell because ominous music rolled in the background. It was so loud that he could hardly think. However, he was young and beautiful, still a virgin, and he did not want to die. He nodded and said, "Da, da, da, whatever I must do."
The big Swiss Guard used his matter transmitter to turn the straw into gold. It was a lazy metal and soon it formed into blocks of inert material, goldbricking around the room.
 
So the next day, when the king entered, the room was filled with gold. How his eyes lit and he pounced upon beautiful Alex. He said, "I will marry you and you will reign as my queen."
Immediately, the king ordered the finest drag specialists to make Alex a sumptuous wedding gown and an assortment of glittering dresses.
Now, Alex was not adverse to a little slash. After all he had grown up with two male parents who were always fighting and making up. Still, he was very romantic, as the only stories he was allowed to read were the warm and fuzzy ones. He knew right away that he did not love the king. The king could rock and roll. He had lots of sequined suits, but he really wasn't much more than a hound dog and he lied all the time.
Alex also had no taste for the sequined evening dresses, the long white gloves, the high heels, and makeup. He just wasn't interested in being the queen and spending his life at drag races, which was the country's other major source of income. In fact, Alex had always fancied himself in tight blue jeans and leather. He had no interest in being a kept man and he had a feeling that as soon as the smoking man stopped spinning gold into straw that he was going to lose his pretty head.
The greedy king kept Alex under lock and key, steadily spinning straw into gold. Alex missed his fathers and bemoaned his fate until the night before his wedding. The smoking man showed up again and said, "You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours."
That sounded easy enough, Alex stood up to see where the smoking man itched, but the man said, "You idiot, not literally, I have a few things for you to do in another kingdom. Take it or leave it."
Having a feeling that he shouldn't trust the man, Alex held his fingers crossed behind his back as he swore fidelity to him. As soon as Alex had agreed, the smoking man made him into a cunning rat, stuck him in his cloak pocket, and strode off across the dawn and the dark, turned left at the morning star, and arrived at a dark place.
Now this New World was very confusing to Alex, making his big green eyes wide with wonder. Nothing worked quite as it should and it was always cold and dreary even in the summer. Alex was totally dependent on CSM and very homesick for his fathers.
Being a bright boy, Alex soon learned how to speak the language even though it always made his throat a little sore. People seemed to like the husky voice anyway so that wasn't a problem. After he finished college, CSM put him in the FBI academy and it was there that Alex fell in love. Twice.
The first love was a picture that CSM gave him in a file. It was the secret prince of the land. He was very handsome and had the loveliest eyes next to Alex's. His name was Fox Mulder and he was clearly a love interest, just as Alex expected to meet from the stories. Alex was very romantic and he presumed that the very intelligent Mulder would discover his plight and rescue him. He slept with the picture beneath his pillow and waited for the lovely fairy tale ending when he would live happily every after. Papa would be so pleased when he brought his handsome American home!
This was all going along smoothly. Alex studied hard and was a very good FBI intern. He couldn't wait to be Mulder's partner. Spender was, of course, very frightening, but after all, villains were expected to be a problem.
One Monday however, the young agents were herded into an auditorium to hear an Assistant Director speak. Alex was a little bored, but dutifully sat in the front seat where the academy liked to place it's more photogenic enrollees in case anyone wanted to take a publicity picture. He crossed his legs and put an earnest expression on his face.
In walked, a very large and powerful man. He had big brown eyes, immense shoulders, almost no hair, and the nicest chest that Alex had ever seen. The big body was so gorgeous that Alex just stared with an open mouth during the whole speech. After the lecture, Alex was selected to show the man around campus. He made a fool out of himself with the man, stopping short in several doorways just to enjoy the sensation of Walter's body crowding into him. He thought Walter enjoyed the game too. The Assistant Director grabbed him and held him by his hips and the heat was like lightening between them, a rumble emerging from a brawny chest and teasing his ears like a questing tongue. "I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself, Agent Krycek," he said.
Of course, everything made perfect sense to Alex. He played along with the evil troll and blissfully waited for the handsome prince or the burly warrior to realize his plight and save him. Of course about the time he ended up in the silo without even any gold to spin, he started to rethink that idea. After a while some trolls surfed into Alex's underground prison, thinking it was a chat room. Upon finding no one there but Alex, they shrugged and took him along with them, dropping him accidentally at a militant right wing web site.
Now Alex accepted that he was from a Grimms' fairy tale, but he was starting to get very pissed because this was too damn grim. His handsome prince beat on him. His brawny warrior chained him up and left him in the cold. Then when Russian peasants rescued him, they failed entirely to take him to a quaint cottage where he could wait for his knight to come. And he did not sprout a swan's wing from his wounded arm.
However, Alex came from a long line of hearty myths and misters. He bounced back and realized he might have gotten the plot wrong. Perhaps, Mulder was an enchanted prince and must be kissed to wake him. So, Alex crept into the castle...a rather dingy castle, he might add, and laid a good one on Mulder's cheek. Although, Mulder showed promise for an instant, he just sat stunned. It was rather disconcerting. Alex left, puzzled and went back to consult the beautiful protagonist manual. Father never told him that there would be days like this!
Brave and beautiful, Alex found Spender sending him here and there, making no sense what so ever. He was exiled to the desert. Sent to hurt his brawny warrior. Told to divert Mulder to the foggy bound alien ships. It was a hell of a life for someone who was born to live happily ever after.
Finally, Alex had it. Having learned all manners of skills in this haphazard "real" world where you never knew where you might be left for whole seasons at a time he traced Mulder and Skinner to the home of three grimy dwarves. Of course, Byers was tall for a dwarf, but Alex always said if you go to the mines, you gotta live with the dwarves. He did suspect that Frohike had a little troll blood, but the man got an attitude if you mentioned it.
Nicely dressed in his best black leather, his denim nearly painted on his body, Alex paused to check his reflection in the mirror and run his hand over his hair. He looked good. Sure he was no longer the sweet young beauty he'd been, but he surely made up for that by all the wonderful charms, spells, and interesting devices he now knew. He walked into that room as if he owned it and every man in it was tethered to his side. And, do you know? That was true.
Walter was so astounded at his nerve that he gaped and forgot to keep his stoic expression. Mulder also was very surprised. "What the hell do you want, Krycek?"
This time Alex had come armed. He lay on the table two-leather bond and gold embossed books. He said, "I've had it. Read the damn spoilers and get it right!"
Sitting at the cleanest chair he could find in the Lone Gunmen's Headquarters, Alex kept both the AD and the agent at their remedial education. He had no doubt that they would know the truth once it hit them in the face.
Mulder finished reading first and sat there looking elegantly stunned. Walter took longer because he moved his lips as he read. Finally, even he closed the book and said, "I see."
At which point, Mulder flung himself at Alex's feet, pressed his head in Alex's lap, and said, "I'm sorry. I didn't understand. I know now that it was an evil spell. I didn't know I was supposed to rescue you."
Nodding, Alex said, "Right, now, what are we going to do now?"
"Well, in the book, it says all we have to do is guess the right name for the evil wizard and he will be damned back to hell," Mulder said, an adorable frown creasing his forehead.
"I don't suppose they really used Rumplestiltkin?" Walter mused.
"Duh," Langly remarked, "Of course, not."
By this time, the Lone Gunmen had read the book, thought it through, and were ready to start up a probability predictor to determine the true name of the wizard. They had to gather important information like all of Spender's aliases and the date of his birth, his previous addresses, and the color of Scully's underwear. Actually the last was just Frohike being hinky.
Even with all three Lone Gunmen using their best kung fu, the process took hours. However, it had been a while since the guys had been together so they moved into Byers' room because he had a feather bed (Frohike used the whole chicken and well, best not to go there.)
Alex happily stood while both men undressed him, kissing every centimeter of skin as they unveiled him; Skinner was allowed to take off his boots although Alex accidentally kicked him in the face a few times. Mulder however was allowed to unbutton the soft leather jacket and slide it slowly down two arms, was allowed to gently remove the black tee shirt, and finally to unbuckle the burden that should have been an angel's wing. Alex stepped out of his black jeans and sighed, eyes dreaming, his right hand resting on the arched blade of his collarbone. He was clothed only in the glory of his all too mortal flesh, but he gleamed with inner light, most beautiful of men.
Mulder leaned into him, hands framing his face. His lovely eyes offered his tears and he asked, "Can you ever forgive me?"
"I have to because my fairy god father gave me the gift of mercy," Alex said, "Kiss me."
Feeling Walter's solid support behind him, Alex leaned back, murmuring as his other lover kissed his neck, his hands firmly clasped around Alex's waist. Mulder's lips brushing over Alex's. Sharing one breath, they ascended into passion, falling over into Byer's bed.
Now, this was more like it. Alex moaned as two mouths trailed hot kisses all over him; he was the hero of the story and the love interest. It was about damn time someone got it right.
Mulder's hot cock slowly entered him, claiming him, making the emptiness of this foolish life he had been made to leave vanish. Walter's mouth took him deep, his eager tongue teasing, his open throat inviting him deep. Just like a fairy tale, they all came at the same time and lay sated, watching in wonder as the fireworks danced around the ceiling. It was just the way it was supposed to be. Alex nodded and drifted off to sleep, exhausted from being loved so completely.
They woke with the gnomes and dwarves dancing about the bedroom. "We have it" extolled the gnome Frohike.
"I hacked into the man's home page and found it," Langly said.
Byres sniffed and said, "It was my idea."
OoooOOOOoooo
Now, CSM was officially dead, but you can't keep a bad man down! He had scheduled Alex for a meeting and Alex didn't like the way Spender's voice sounded. That California surfer voice always boded the worst of threats to him. He found out that Mulder and Skinner were also supposed to show up.
The very unfortunate thing was that the black oil had covered the next few pages of the fairy tale. There was no way of telling what the twisted mind of the evil wizard had planned.
Sure enough, the man had finally tired of Alex's resistance. If he couldn't have Alex's love, then no one would!
 
Just as things were at the nadir, the plot convoluted enough to make anyone ralph and the situation almost beyond any recall, Alex bucked up. He knew what he had to do. Quickly, he twitched his adorable little nose that he had inherited from his mother; Samantha and everybody froze, including the bullets heading his way.
Alex looked CSM right in the eye and said, "I can guess your real name!"
Taking a puff of his cigarette, CSM laughed and said, "Right."
A smirk playing across his face, Alex shot out, "Carl Smelly Man Spender!"
"Ha, I'll laugh when you're dead, you silly pretty man," Spender said.
"All right, your name is....Rumplestiltkin!" Alex said.
"Oh, come now, Mr. Krycek," Spender said. He snapped his fingers and the bullets began to move.
Quickly, Alex said, "See See, your name is CC and I'm gonna damn your soul to hell..."
Quickly, the evil wizard whirled around and round on one surf board shaped leg until he drilled a very hole in the earth and waves came up to drag him away.
As soon as CC was dragged away to hell, everything that was wrong became right. Samantha appeared from visiting Peter Pan with Emily floating behind her, now as human as Pinocchio. Even Jeff Spender popped out from under Mulder's desk and asked fearfully, "Is he gone?"
Birds sang, beautiful bluebirds, sang so loudly that Alex had to shoot one or two...um, he had learned a few bad habits from Spender. So what, he was still the most beautiful prince in the world.
Now the second thing was of course, that Mulder and Walter must go to meet Alex's fathers. So they packed up all manner of little gifts and made ready to travel far, far away to the land of live forever.
Being a gracious and grateful hero and love interest, Alex bestowed a final gift on the Lone Gunmen, their very own TV show with interesting cases and wonderful writers all of their own.
As for the King, well, he didn't die, but the aliens did abduct him, but it was really okay as it turned out that they made the tastiest peanut butter and banana sandwiches that actually made you lose weight.
And of course when Alex arrived home with his beautiful Mulder and handsome Skinner, the fairy tale kingdom just had to make him their new ruler. He was of course fair and noble, wise and brave except on alternate Sundays...when he did a little spying and betraying just for auld lang syne.
And they all lived happily ever after and only did angst for the very best of fan fiction writers...
 
The end