by Ursula


Notes: This is for Star Wind Dancer. Now leave me alone.
Time Frame: The eve of never never


ONCE upon a time there lived a man who was very unhappy because he had no lover. The good assistant director had a lovely balcony and a spiffy bachelor pad, but he was never home before dark and worked very hard all day long for a mean man named Kersh. To add to his troubles, his favorite agent had been kidnapped, his second favorite agent was pregnant and he had no desk for the replacement agent.

Lo, one night after his very adorable secretary went home, the assistant director whom we shall call Walter because after all that was his name still had something to copy. This was a report by a green agent. Now green agents are not very ripe and while being overly ripe was not a good thing, especially if the agent was in an elevator with you, green was almost worse. Callow new agents wrote very long reports which either were more boring than the Department of Transportation statistics or were as lurid as America's Most Wanted.

Speaking of America's most wanted, Walter stepped into the copy room and heard a hiss. He thought the air pump in his sneaker had gone bad, but it turned out to be evil, but cute former agent Krycek. Walter huffed and he puffed, but Krycek just smiled and showed him the palm pilot. He said, "All the power in the world and all I want to do is save a life. I'm here to talk about Agent Mulder."

At that point in time, thunder rolled, lightening struck, and a huge voice said, "Thou shalt not remember Mulder! You are doomed, cursed...your fate shall be Grimm."


Shortly, Walter woke up in a beautiful garden beneath a tall tower. Two Russian peasants wept near by. The woman clutched a bunch of the finest rampion, salting it with her tears. The assistant director was dazed and confused, but he was still a brave and kind man. He asked the couple, "What's the trouble?"

The woman said, "Twenty eight years ago, I was pregnant with our first and only child. I looked into this garden and though I knew it belonged to a witch; all I could think about was this lovely rampion. No matter what my husband brought me to eat, it was not what I wanted. The desire grew day by day, and just because I knew I couldn't possibly get any, I pined away and became quite pale and wretched. Then my husband grew alarmed and said, 'What ails you, dear wife?'

"Oh,' I answered, "if I don't get some rampion to eat out of the garden behind the house, I know I shall die."

The husband added, "I loved her dearly and I thought to myself, 'Come! Rather than let your wife die you shall fetch her some rampion, no matter the cost.' So at dusk I climbed over the wall into the witch's garden, and, hastily gathering a handful of rampion leave"

"I returned with them to my wife. She made them into a salad, which tasted so good that her longing for the forbidden food was greater than ever. If she were to know any peace of mind, there was nothing for it but that I should climb over the garden wall again, and fetch her some more. So at dusk, I went over the wall again, but instantly I saw the evil smoking wizard."

How dare you,' he said, with a wrathful glance, 'climb into my garden and steal my rampion like a common thief? You shall suffer for your foolhardiness.'

"Oh!' I implored, 'pardon my presumption; necessity alone drove me to the deed. My wife saw your rampion from her window, and conceived such a desire for it that she would certainly have died if her wish had not been gratified.'

Then the Wizard's anger was a little appeased, and he said, "If it's as you say, you may take as much rampion away with you as you like, but on one condition only ... that you give me the child your wife will shortly bring into the world. All shall go well with him, and I will look after him like he was my own son.'

The man said, "Not having met Jeff Spender at that time, I had no choice but to agree and in due time my wife gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy in the world. He had green eyes surrounded by black velvet lashes. He was gentle, intelligent, and sweet tempered. However as soon as he was weaned, the evil wizard came and took him away. When he was twelve, our son, Rapunzel, whom we called Alex for short, was the most beautiful child under the sun. The wizard shut him up in the tower just as you see. There are no doors or windows and only that nice balcony from which our son daily dangles so that we can see him and converse."

The woman said, "When the wizard wants to see Alex, he stands below and he says, "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your rich chestnut hair, that I may climb the silken stair for Alex had wonderful long hair. It is as fine as the softest silk, but as strong as panthene protein can make it. The wizard climbs up and consorts with our son then he is off again for he is a busy man with all sorts of beautiful young men to torment."

Now Walter was a practical man and he said, "But that's child slavery, extortion, and I'm sure there's a few more crimes involved. In fact that rampion looks a lot like Cannabis Sativa to me, which could explain why the more you eat the more you crave."

Walter tucked an ounce of the rampion away in an evidence baggy he happened to have on him. He was a Boy Scout until he was thirty-two at which time the scoutmaster who just loved him in his khaki shorts was replaced. The Cannabis Sativa was for evidence, of course, even if Skinner did inhale.

"If you could rescue our beautiful son, you could surly have his hand and any other body parts you wanted in marriage," the Russian father suggested. He was older than Walter, but had lovely green eyes and lush dark lashes too. Although he looked as if he had been in a jam or two, he was well preserved.

Of course, Walter was determined to help pretty Alex...even if the lad was called by the same name as the rat bastard. He went to the foot of the tower and looked up to a radiant form of beauty. Well, really, the fact of the matter was that the sun was in his eyes and he couldn't see worth a damn. The writer had just got her poetic license renewed and was carried away, unfortunately only by similes.

Walter called out, "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your dark hair, that I might climb the shining stair."

Out from the balcony, tumbled hair as glossy as raven's wings, softer than down. Or in the words of the good book, "Long beautiful hair! Shining, gleaming, Streaming, flaxen, waxen, long beautiful hair, shining hair, down to here, down to there."

As soon as Alex let it down, the assistant director climbed up. To his shock he found that the beautiful man he was supposed to rescue was none other than Alex Krycek. Big green eyes stared in wonder at him and than Alex tried to flee, tripping on his lustrous locks. Walter caught him and pinned the writhing naked beauty to the edge of the balcony rail. Slowly, he realized that Krycek wore not a stitch and damn, he wore it well.

"Skinner, ugh, let me go. Come on. Spender will be here in a minute. You got to get out of here. He'll kill you," Krycek plead.

Slowly the words penetrated although Walter would have preferred to use the action verb to penetrate something else. His throbbing erection longed for a home in Krycek's ass.

"Spender's dead. You killed him," Walter said. He was glad he subscribed to the X Files Spoiler's list. A man needed to know these things. It was unthinkable that he get caught in a situation with out the best and brightest of his tight whites.

"I thought so too, but the man's like a damn vampire. He won't stay dead and he's a real pain in the neck," Alex said. He whimpered plaintively and rubbed his round tender butt. "He beats me black and blue. Look!"

There were a few bruises on the sweet plump ass, but mostly Walter just looked and drooled, before leaping into action. He fell to his knees and kissed the smooth skin, his large hands encasing the round cheeks and massaging them slowly and appreciatively. Alex's legs begin to tremble, but Alex turned around and whispered, "Not now, Walter, come back tomorrow at dawn. Spender mostly comes here at night. I can be all yours in the morning."

Alex's lips glistened as he leaned against Walter's broad chest. He closed his eyes, lashes trembling and said, "Bring a ladder, Walter. You know I always wanted you...never thought I could have you. We could just stay here. It's not such a bad place where I can hug you with both arms. Please?"

Something melted in Walter's heart and he looked out at the rolling green fields, acres of forest beyond the pastures, heard the singing of birds and saw butterflies dancing in the sunbeams. Alex was right. With Mulder gone, what was the point? He had always wanted Alex too and here they could be together to live happily ever after.


His heart filled with hope, Alex waited to be rescued. His heart sang. Alex thumped it to shut it up. Damn nanobytes! Not only did the Consortium use them to control him, but also they must persist in downloading Mp3s and playing them from weird parts of his body. You have never lived until your cock stood up and sang, "Let the sunshine in," when you were trying to have sex.

Damn, there was Spender again. Alex groaned as he thought of another night of trying to get Spender to come. Hours and hours of licking that wrinkled body, reading PC magazines and Assassin's Monthly while Spender pounded away feebly on top of him, unable to come. However, since Spender had control of his nanobytes, Alex dropped the mass of his hair over the balcony.

The old cancer man crabbed his way up the ladder of braided hair. It took forever and a day for him to get anywhere even when he wasn't in the wheelchair. He stopped every few minutes to smoke for one thing.

When Spender finally reached the balcony, Alex mused, "How is it, boss, that you take so long to climb up? Skinner was up in minute." A moment later, Alex uttered, "Oh, shit, what did I just say!"

"Oh! You wicked child," cried the Wizard. 'What is this I hear? I thought I had hidden you safely from the whole world, and in spite of it you have managed to deceive me, again!"

In his wrath, Spender seized Alex's beautiful hair, wound it round and round his left hand, and then grasping a pair of scissors in his right, he cut off all of the beautiful long tresses. Alex wondered how the man intended to get down, but Spender fastened the braided mass to a nail and climbed to the ground, afterwards tugging the improvised rope after him.

"I'll leave you to starve, Krycek, you ungrateful wretch, just as I meant to do in that silo!" Cancer-man yelled. He went off mumbling, "No one tells me anything! How the hell Krycek got out of that silo is beyond me. But never mind if I can't have him, no one will."


Walter, unaware of the drama that was occurring, knocked on the little cottage and the Russian man answered. He said, "Did you see him, my beautiful Alexei?"

"Yeah, I saw him and I'm willing to let bygones be bygones and help him. All we need is a ladder really. Surely you have one?" Walter said.

The two Russians had a long conversation in their native language, ending by shrugging. The man turned eloquent hands upwards in confusion and said, "What is ladder?"

This was strange. The pair seemed to understand English just fine, but they stumbled over this one word. It seemed odd as if it was a plot or some sort of device...a plot device?

"What do you use when you need to climb on the roof to repair it?" Walter asked.

"Oh, da, I understand," Alex's father said. He rummaged under the bed in the corner of the cottage and produced boots. Boots?

Proudly, the man said, "These are the best seven league boots you can buy. When the roof blows down, I put these on and jump up to fix it, but they will not leap high enough to reach Alex."

The woman said, "I have heard of a boy who had something that might help, a magic bean stalk that can reach the very sky in one day, but alas, I don't know Jack."

Walter borrowed a map and followed it into town. It very much surprised him when the piece of paper grew bumblebee wings and danced in front of him to guide him to where ever he wanted to go.

The village was quaint. Actually, it was insane. Cobbler's shops were over- run by Brownies, who were earning their patches by making shoes. One shop specialized in making straw into gold. Another seemed run by a man obsessed by killing flies.

A mattress shop advertised that "Sleeping Beauty" slept here. When Walter had a peek, it was Mulder who was on display, a tender drowsing Mulder, fingers curled softly against his cheek, rumpled hair askew upon the silken pillow. Nose prints, tongue swipes, and other pant marks showed that he was not the only one who wished to wake the slumbering agent.

However, Mulder seemed safe for now, so Walter took advantage of the crowd gathered in front to ask, "Does anyone know where I can buy a ladder?"

Whispered conferences resulted in head shaking until suddenly Jeff Spender pushed out of the crowd. He said, "Hi, Walter, what are you doing here?"

"Hell if I know, I was about to make a copy and I saw Krycek. Next thing I knew I was here. Your father has Alex Krycek walled up in a tower. I promised his parents to get him out. I don't know why," Walter explained.

"I know," Jeff said, "nice piece if you can get it. Anyway, I'm hiding out here from dear old dad. Thank God, I fell down a plot hole just before daddy's bullet connected. Not that that's surprising. There are so many of them. I got a nice little cottage I share with the three little pigs and Agent Pendrell. You're welcome to bunk down with us."

The young agent certainly seemed happier than he had been in the real world, but Walter replied, "I suppose we'll stay with Alex's parents once we get him out. I just came into town to get a ladder. Do you know where one is?"

"Can't help you there," Jeff said, "this is the kingdom of Former so there's no ladder."

Wincing under the burden of that pun, Walter asked around to see if anyone had any ideas. Unfortunately, Spender had banned all means of access to the tower so the best that anyone could offer was seven league boots or tall elevator shoes.


Dispirited, Walter wandered back to the tower. He stood below and shouted, "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your silken hair that I may climb the shining stair."

Alex leaned over the edge and said in a husky broken voice, "Sorry, Walter, he cut it. Look at this stupid ass haircut..."

Yes, the crew cut would take too long to grow. Alex looked down and said, "Walter, there's no water or food up here. I'm doomed. I just want you to know I love you. I'm sorry about the nanobytes. He made me do it."

"Spender made you do that to me?" Walter asked.

"Worse," Alex looked about everywhere, before replying with a shudder, "CC, the same man who tried to kill me. The man who killed Scully's sister. Put me in the shower at Bill Mulder's and sent Mulder a film clip. Walter, you must expose him. You expose him; you expose his crimes. You destroy the destroyer's ability to destroy."

Shivering Walter ducked, flinching in fear, he said, "Sorry, Alex, you ask me for more than I can do. Two words, Alex, *Character death. *"

"But we'd live on forever in the hearts of the fans..." Alex argued.

"Shush, Alex, let me think. Let's get you out of this tower first," Walter said. He sat down on the ground and thought until steam came out of his ears. Suddenly, he leaped up and said, "Alex, my Alex, let down your ebony hair that I might climb the shining stair."

"But he cut it!" Alex whined.

"Not your magical weapon, your aura of glory...let down...an eyelash!" Walter cried in triumph.

Lo, and the magic worked! Just like a deux ex machina, the eyelash grew and fluttered until it was a rope. Walter spat on his hands. His suit had disappeared and he was now clad only in skimpy gym shorts. He rubbed his palms together and visions of Alex enhancing his strength, he climbed the gleaming lash. It took longer this way and one had to follow his progress. The sweating bunching muscles of his legs, the heavy blunt force inherent in that chest, the back swelling with cables of delight...the shorts riding up as Walter climbed unable to adjust them for modesty...this was bliss.

But all good things must come to an end...Alex's end that is. Walter arrived at the balcony and Alex fell into his arms.

"My hero," said Alex, "But how shall we get down?"

Walter winked and said, "Close your eyes. This is going to hurt."

Payback in slight for the suffering that Krycek had been compelled to administer by the wicked CC, Walter jerked the eyelash loose from its root.

"Aaaaahhh!" Alex screamed, "Fuck, Walter! Why did you do that?"

Remember that Walter had been a Boy Scout. Swiftly tying the lash to a rail with a sailor's hitch, Walter said, " There, now when we're done, we can both climb down."

"Done?" Alex asked.

Swooping him up in strong arms, Walter carried Alex to the bed. Bluebirds sang in the air. Sunbeams danced and flowers rained down. Alex said, "Good idea."

Alex's skin was satin and he tasted like honey, Walter moaned as their lips met. He slowly claimed Alex, hands exploring the forbidden reefs of him. They flamed against each other, ignited by lust. Alex groaned and flung his head back, saying, "Take me."

It was a fairy tale. Lube appeared out of the air and slicked them. No condom was needed for who needs them when goblins were real and disease was not. Walter pushed inside the heat of him. Alex's legs clutched him, driving him on. "Yes, yes, yes," Alex uttered. And who was Walter to say no?

Naturally, it was perfect sex. This was a no one under the age of majority fairy tale, ya know.

Two days later, Walter finally was ready to take a break. Besides they had ran out of positions and needed to go check out a few videos for ideas. Alex went down first and waited with smiling face for his lover. Walter climbed down eagerly, but as he approached the end, Spender leapt up in seven league boots and cut the lash rope over Walter's head.

"Not this time," Walter snarled, grabbing Spender. They tumbled to the ground. Walter fell stunned, but Spender rolled over and over until he turned into rancid yak's milk butter and leaked into the Highlander archive to be reluctantly eaten by Methos.


Closing his eyes, Walter wondered if this was the end. Could he die in this fairy tale universe or would Alex find some magical way to preserve him?

Suddenly, a familiar voice spoke to him. "Hey," said Agent Mulder.

Remembering that Mulder had actually been rescued a week ago and had already totally recovered, Walter reached out for Mulder's hand and said, "Mulder, I had the most beautiful dream right up to the last second."

"You have to tell me sometime," said Mulder, "You were found unconscious in the copy room of the Hoover building. Funny thing was that no one knows who called the paramedics. He didn't stay to meet them, just left a trail of bread crumbs..."

Agent Doggett walked in with that dazed expression he often wore since starting in the X Files. He said, "I found a clue in the copy machine."

Mulder greedily grabbed the piece of paper and then gasped. He said, "Krycek, it was Krycek."

"How do you know?" Doggett asked.

Walter craned his head and saw...the photographic copy of perfect buttocks. Someone had drawn the outline into a heart shape and written, "Alex loves Walter." Three words.

Mulder said, "I know that ass! I know it well. Walter..."

But Walter had grabbed the late valentine and fallen asleep, a smile wreathed about his face as he traveled back in his dreams to a mist covered and now totally happy village.

Mulder took one look at the expression on Walter's face and another at the copy of Alex's ass. What the hell...and he knocked himself out to join them in fairyland.

They lived happily ever after, of course.