Mulderlocks and the 3 Lone Gun Bears
by Ursula


Once upon the time there was a handsome FBI agent. He was sent to the woods to investigate something, but instead became very, very lost. He soon was hungry, cold, and tired. He wandered around hoping the aliens didn't abduct him until he happened upon a little cabin and went in, ready for some nice hot cabin fic.

Instead, he found a table already set for three places. Not having very good manners, he went in and sat down. The first chair was too tall even after he took the stack of porno magazines off the seat. He stood at the table and tried a bite of the pizza upon the plate. It was too cold and there were green places that he didn't think were anchovies on the cheese.

The next chair was not too tall, but it had a very straight back and Mulder-Locks was really not into straight. He tried a bit of the porridge, but it was too bland. He made a face and moved to the last place.

This chair was a bit tall too, but it was comfortable. The place setting held a collection of little white containers of Chinese food. Mulder-Locks ate half of each one and it was just right.

Yawning, Mulder-Locks wandered off to find a place to sleep. The first bedroom was very untidy. When he got into the bed, the sheets made a horrid crackling sound and he nearly stuck to the bottom sheet. He accidentally hit the remote and found himself watching a video of his partner, Little Red FBI Hood, taking a shower. This was very upsetting and he ran out of the room to the next one.

This one was too neat. The bed smelled of lemon bleach and the covers were all as straight as if the owner had measured them with a ruler. Mulder-Locks looked up at a large picture of Susanne Modeski projected on the ceiling and he couldn't sleep no matter how tired he was. He decided to try the last bedroom.

Now this was more like it. There was no bed at all, just a nice leather couch and there were only a few porno magazines, one of which had a picture of a green eyed male beauty. It was just right.

Mulder-Locks slept very well until he woke up and found three Lone Gun Bears staring down at him. They looked very odd as they were disguised as state troopers. One was very short and very odd looking. One was tall, thin, and very neat. Mulder had never seen a beard that had every hair numbered and labeled with exact measurements before.

The last man had long blonde hair and a Black Sabbath tee shirt. He looked at Mulder-Locks for a long time and then said, "Can we keep him?"

The gnome like one who looked as if his last gig was with Snow White said, "I don't see why not?"

The neat one with the beard said, "I don't know. He looks messy."

The one with the gray hair said, "That's okay. He can bunk with me."

At this point, Mulder-Locks became very frightened and scrambled out of bed, running very far away.

Soon Mulder-Locks was more lost than ever. He sucked on his lower lip and blinked his pretty hazel eyes. Soon all sorts of forest creatures were creeping near to see him and bring him little gifts...or maybe they were just Mulder-fans as what would a squirrel be doing with lingerie anyway?

Mulder-Locks walked along and after a while a big Morph in the form of a werewolf accompanied him. It said, "Hey there, little Red Riding Hood, you sure are looking good to a big bad wolf like me."

These words seemed vaguely familiar to Mulder-Locks, but he was not quite old enough to really remember why. He said, "Sorry, wrong number! Little Red FBI Hood is my partner and I wouldn't go there if I were you." He rubbed his shoulder and tried to remember if he had sent Little Red FBI Hood flowers lately?

The morph spun around and soon was wearing a dashiki and an Afro. He sang, accompanying himself with some mean guitar riffs,

You know you're a cute little heart-breaker
You know you're a sweet little love-maker
I want to take you home
I won't do you no harm
You've got to be all mine
All mine
I see you come down on the scene, Foxy-baby
You make me want to get up and scream, Foxy-baby
I've made up my mind
I'm tired of wasting all my precious time
You've got to be all mine
All mine.

Hmm, this sounded familiar, Mulder-Locks was sure he had heard it all before and where did it get him? A little bondage was fun, but you know, by the hundredth anal probe, you just want to dump the stone chair and cuddle instead.

The werewolf abandoned the sixties look and went for a nice little old lady disguise. He wore sensible shoes, a long black dress, a tidy gray bun, and had a canary on his shoulder. If you looked just right, you could see what was either an alien spaceship or an animated pie plate swooping around over his head.

"What a big UFO you have, Grandma! And who's the cute chick on your shoulder?" Mulder asked.

The big bad Morph snarled, "The better to abduct you with, my dear!"

"Not again!" Mulder sighed, resignedly removing all of his clothing.

At this point, a tall handsome woodsman came along and saw what was happening. He blinked in surprise and immediately ran to the rescue, but, alas, he had forgotten his ax at home. Never the less, he roared in anger and was willing to fight the Morph with his bare hands. However the Morph had a secret weapon very effective against Assistant Directors, which was Skinner's usual job. Being tied up with red tape made it very hard to protect Mulder-Locks.

However since this was a modern fairy tale with happy endings, along came a green eyed double agent. Well, perhaps it wasn't accidental. Skinner had to have some reason for hanging around the woods dressed in a plaid shirt and volleyball cut-offs so short that they nearly showed the curve of his ass-cheeks. After all he didn't know that Mulder-Locks was lost in the woods because the man was always running off and not telling him where he went until he turned in his travel voucher.

The double agent quickly sized up the problem and handed the handsome woodsman an ax.

Skinner cracked the Morph over the head with the ax after trying to play a few bars of "Stairway to Heaven". The music and the blow only staggered the Morph for a moment.

Sternly looking at the naughty double agent, the handsome woodsman said, "No more puns. Give me the real ax."

"I have a better plam," the Rat said, sticking it in the Morph's neck.

The Morph fell dead and there was great rejoicing. Soon the handsome woodsman and the double agent were both looking at Mulder-Locks with a 'Cum hither' look.

Mulder-Locks stared at them with his pretty hazel eyes and said, "Oh, do you plan to take me home, tie me up, lick me all over, tease me until I cry, ride me until I'm sore, and then start all over again?"

The woodsman and the double agent tried to look ashamed, but the best they could do was to look very, very horny. They nodded.

"Oh, good," Mulder-Locks said, "I just wanted to make sure. Take me. I'm yours."

And they lived happily ever after or at least until the next fan fiction.


The End.