SOLVED!


All the mysteries of South Park…solved at last! Following are the questions that have been bothering all of us, making it impossible for us to sleep at night, to concentrate on our work, or to have a moment's peace!

The bear that took Lizzy away at the end of "Hate Crime" didn't hurt her, since she was back again in "Probably." So what did the bear want with her? Why was she not seen at any time between those eps? In "Probably," why is she present at Cartman's first speech in the schoolyard but not at the scenes in his church? And why, in "Hate Crime," does she call the boys so many insulting names?

In BLU, why is Lockie present at the Carl's Warehouse meeting but not until then? And what is he doing at "Jewbilee" when he isn't Jewish?

In "Hate Crime," why are two other South Park kids in Juvenile Hall with Cartman? And why is one of them back home waiting for him when he gets out?

In "Jewbilee," how does the bear know - and why does she care - about what is happening?

What was the REAL reason the kids all had to run to the toy store at the same minute to buy a Chinpokomon?

After "Rainforest," why did all the kids in the GGWK choir move to South Park? And in "Monkey Fonics," why did Kelly go to the dance even though Kenny was dead?

In "Hot Tub," what was the Mole doing on a TV show? And who left that party in a red car and then drove past Kenny on the road in "Jewbilee?"

And in BLU, when Jake walked out of the La Resistance meeting - supposedly because they didn't have punch and pie - what was the REAL reason he left?

By putting these clues together and seeing where they all point - and by noting who was in what place at what time, and which characters were seen together, and so on - I have discovered the incredible truth about South Park's role in the universe…a fully logical explanation for all of these things, and with implications so far-reaching as to shake the very foundations of civilization! The evidence is so overwhelming - consisting of many independent facts found in many different episodes - that to deny it would be an absurdity.

We all know that Kenny was the SP kid who saved all the Jews. Right? But what we didn't know (until now) is that Lizzy saved all the Christians! For those who don't recognize the name, Lizzy is the "pink parka girl" who in "Cartman's Silly Hate Crime" leads the girls in their determined sled-race campaign against the boys - calling the boys a lot of choice names along the way. ("Turd burglars! Fudge packers! Butt pirates! Rump rangers!")

The secret conspiracy that led to the saving of the world (from Cartman) was started by the kid in the blue hat with a yellow brim. He noted Cartman's meanness - especially to Kyle - at his birthday party in "Damien." Then in "Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo" he mentioned it to Slanty (the boy with the slanting hairline) and they further noted that only Kyle - the Jew - believed in Mr. Hankey. Already they began to suspect that religious crises were in store, probably involving Cartman and Kyle - as well as Kenny, whose goodness and humility impressed them.

In "Rainforest Shmainforest," the kids in the GGWK choir noted the same things about the SP boys; and thus began a secret society of children, under Kelly's leadership, dedicated to saving the world from the trouble that was brewing. "Project Cartman" was its actual name - never mentioned, of course. That's why all the choir members moved to South Park afterwards - so they would be there when a crisis came! The house that Marcie moved into had an old tunnel concealed under the bushes in its back yard, leading to a spot near the woods beyond Stark's Pond. Thus, the society often used Marcie's home as a meeting place - using the tunnel so they wouldn't be seen approaching and leaving the house.

In BLU, the "La Resistance" mission was only a minor side-project undertaken by this already-existing organization. At the rehab session with Mr. Mackey, we see Marcie (from GGWK) and Slanty. They told each other what they knew, and Slanty was recruited. Similarly, in the schoolyard when Gregory is speaking, we see Jake from GGWK and the blue-hat boy. They too compared notes and made plans. Of course, they all then joined lustily in singing "Kyle's Mom's a Bitch" - just so Cartman would think they liked him. But all the time the conspiracy was growing!

The first crisis came in "Jewbilee." The prime mover there was Lockie (the boy with a lock of hair on his forehead), who like Kenny sneaked into the meeting but fortunately escaped detection. It was he who telepathically summoned the bear, who was a good spirit in animal form and had been in contact with the conspirators so she could help them when needed. At that time the immediate threat was eliminated by Moses - thanks to Kenny and the bear - but the main problem (Cartman) remained. It was becoming ever more obvious to the conspirators that Cartman had very dangerous tendencies, and that he would ultimately be the enemy that they must defeat. It was just a question of when it was going to happen. All the troubles with Damien, Satan, Saddam, Haman, and so on were just minor incidents along the way.

The bear was also behind another thing that has long bothered me: How could Jake be so disloyal as to walk out of the La Resistance meeting just because they're not serving refreshments? But, as I now realize, everybody was "talking in code" at the time. The kids were meeting regularly with the bear (often using the tunnel to the woods) to keep her updated on Project Cartman and to ask her guidance. Lockie was the one who usually went to meet the bear, but he had just that day returned from an out-of-town trip and it was important that he attend the Carl's Warehouse meeting so that the others could bring him up to date on Project Cartman (note that he didn't appear in BLU until that scene), so Jake went instead. The important password in Kyle's Internet message was not "La Resistance" but "Punch and Pie" - one of the kids' code phrases meaning "this has to do with Project Cartman." Jake mentioned the phrase to let the kids know that he was going out to keep that night's appointment with the bear. Of course only members were present - hopefully - but there might have been a spy at the meeting, so he said it in code. Then at least the spy, if any, wouldn't find out about Project Cartman. If La Resistance was thwarted, Satan and Saddam would take over the world - but so what? They were just mosquitos. Cartman was THE evil power of the universe!

Similarly, the Mole the night of the meteor shower was doing a TV show which was really a message to the society members, using their code words so no one else would catch on. Stan and Butters saw him, but they had to deal with the cops outside who were ready to blow them up. One of the guests at the party was another of God's agents on Earth (in fact, it was the Clitoris, disguised as a woman) and it was she who, after seeing that the boys had safely escaped from the house, drove in the red car to the woods where the Jewbilee crisis was occurring and told the bear where to find Kenny. The Jew Scouts and their leaders would have been warned about Garth if they had seen the Mole's TV show, but by the time the Clitoris got the news it was too late to get a message to them.

The toy-store scene in "Chinpoko Mon" was another secret meeting of the society, of course. (You don't think the kids REALLY cared about those Japanese toys, do you?) At that time, Bushy (the boy with the bushy orange hair and glasses) joined and gave them more valuable information which he had picked up. Lizzy entered the picture in "Hooked on Monkey Fonics." At the Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance, she learned of Kenny's goodness from Kelly; of Kyle's goodness from Marcie, who had gotten to know Kyle as his dancing-partner in GGWK; and of Cartman's wickedness from everybody, of course! (Kenny being dead, Kelly wouldn't have gone to the dance if it hadn't been another secret-society meeting.) After performing the Mr. Hankey song for "Christmas Classics" they met again with the bear, who hand-picked the strong-willed Lizzy to deal Cartman the "knockout punch" when the time came. (Lizzy's exceptional strength of character was what made her so "expressive" in a confrontation - hence the furious name-calling at the sled races.)

In "Cartman's Silly Hate Crime," the conspirators learned more about Cartman as he let down his guard in conversations with Romper Stomper. Note that Jake and Slanty were with him in Juvenile Hall - for the purpose of spying on him, of course. (How they got in, and got out again, is such a complex plot that it would fill a book - someday I may tell the story in detail.) At the sled race afterwards, Slanty told Lizzy and the others that the time had come to act. Lizzy summoned the bear, and after the race-as we all saw-the bear came and carried Lizzy to her cave. There, Lizzy filled the bear in on all that had occurred. The plans of the children were finalized that night at another meeting in Carl's Warehouse - and if you think "La Resistance" was a conspiracy, you should have seen THIS one. The oaths, the codes, the passwords, the rituals - that would make another book!

Now, look at "Probably" - the episode in which the crisis came. You will note that Lizzy is present at the beginning - when Cartman makes his first "salvation" speech in the schoolyard-but at the later scenes in his church, she is absent. That was the clue that tipped ME off. This is the first time we see her since the bear took her away - because she was spending all her time in the bear's cave, preparing for it. The bear had given Lizzy the power to control people's minds. In that schoolyard, she cast her spell on Cartman and everyone else present. She also cast spells on the rest of the town, including Jesus and Sister Anne. From that point on, everything happened as planned by the conspirators. They did it that way so it would appear as if the world had been saved from Cartman by Jesus-but actually Jesus and the rest of the town had NO FREE WILL at the time. They were all obeying mental commands from Lizzy. The other conspirators, of course, had just "played along" by pretending to follow Cartman so as not to arouse suspicion.

Of course, the idea of children (and an animal) exercising control over adults (and Jesus) may strike some of you as too far-fetched. But the power came from God's agent-the bear-and therefore ultimately from God. If He sometimes chooses children and animals as His agents, He must have good reasons. It's even possible that the bear was God himself, in disguise. It is not for us to question God's methods; it is for us to give eternal thanks to Lizzy and the other courageous children of South Park for saving Christianity, just as we thank Kenny for saving the Jews.