THE EIGHT CONSPIRATORS

It wasn't so long ago that eight conspirators tried to seize control of the Soviet Union away from Gorbachev and the other leaders who were slowly moving it in the direction of freedom. It was very long ago that another group of eight conspirators, possibly with somewhat similar motives, killed Julius Caesar in an attempt to seize control of Rome. Why do the world's great, historic conspiracies always consist of eight individuals?

OK, twice isn't always. I'm sure there have been conspiracies that didn't consist of eight. But when I want to prove something about South Park (or to just make up something about South Park) I close my eyes and pretend not to see anything that doesn't fit in with my precious theories. (My precious, my precious!)

After four or five years of research, I've finally identified all of the eight conspirators in the Great Grand Conspiracy of all time--the one that saved the world as revealed in my original article "Solved!" which contains the full explanations of all the events referred to in this one--except that two of my recent columns, mentioned below where they apply, tied up all the loose ends and completed the story. Of course, most of the kids in town were part of the conspiracy and worked to help it; but there were eight characters who either belonged to or aided the conspiracy and whose roles were of special importance. Let us now immortalize these heroes for all time!

LIZZY: The conspiracy depended upon Lizzy's exceptionally strong will, which enabled her (with a little help from God, of course) to take over the minds of everyone else in town for a short period, just at the moment when such intervention was needed.

JAKE: Not only was Jake a sworn member of the conspiracy and one of the founders, but he died shortly after its formation and then returned many times, as a ghost, to give his assistance. The column "Now you see him..." tells of this in detail.

THE MOLE: Though not actually a member of the conspiracy, the Mole came to their aid when his own underground activities led him to information that would be useful to them. When seen on TV in the "Hot Tub" episode, he was sending them a code message that was essential to their plans.

ESTHER: The friendly mother bear who helped to save Moses in "Jewbilee." Here, in "Cartman's Silly Hate Crime", it looks like Lizzy is gonna be Esther's lunch--but actually she was just taking Lizzy to a meeting of the conspirators.

THE CLITORIS: If you think she had nothing more important to do than give advice to Stan, you're mistaken! She rendered important assistance to the conspiracy when it was most needed. Both she and the bear were good spirits, sent by God to aid the conspirators in carrying out their mission.

LOCKIE: The boy in the Snacky Smores shirt was given telepathic powers--by God or by one of His two agents mentioned above--so that he could fulfill the vital role of sending and receiving emergency messages when no other means of communication was available.

POINTY: A girl who remained hidden from most of the conspirators and helped them without their knowing it. This is revealed in the column "Look Behind You!"

KELLY: Kenny's adoring girlfriend did a lot more in her time than just save him! She was the leader of the conspiracy. As such, she naturally remained mostly behind the scenes, sending and receiving countless messages, taking on the enormous task of coordinating such a vital and complex operation. In 1956, a massive study done by Fruitbowl University (which I coincidentally happen to own) found that exceptional leadership ability in childhood correlates strongly with nose-picking. If anyone wants to see that monumental 976-page report, I have a few copies left at $186.50 plus tax and shipping.


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