The Lost Nomad

The Big Ho is revealing all

The Big Hominid is definitely in the wrong line of work as I think he has an excellent future as a TV chef or even an on-line chef - as long as he doesn't become a naked chef (This post is work safe as he seems to be wearing clothes - at least a top).  Hmmm...maybe he could become "The Erotic Chef" (Or as the Oglala Sioux say: "He who cooks with scrotum").

That's 2 days in a row I've left his blog feeling hungry.  I had to steal this pic (sorry, Kevin) - because this is CULINARY ART:

 

Go get your soup on right here.

Look, I have car key

Does anyone else find this as funny as I did?

The poor guy still didn't get it. "You like cock man?" he asks. "Cock man? What is cock man? You like cock? What is cock?" His voice suddenly filled the room and I just thanked God that no one else in the restaurant could understand English because it was truly hilarious and embarrassing.

Oh man, 6:30 in the morning and I was rolling when I read this post.

Kilgore Trout

One word:  Hilarious (Teaser follows).

I had considered, during the awkward silence while you changed the paper tape in the receipt printer, mentioning that I recognized you as the red-haired girl who lives in 302. But I was pretty sure that would lead to this conversation:

ME: Hey, don't you live on [our street]? Three-oh-two, right?

YOU (totally freaked out): Yeah...

ME: I live there too! In 307!

YOU: Oh, okay. Did you just move in?

ME: Well, in June.

YOU: Oh. I guess I just haven't noticed you.

ME: Yeah, I guess not.

[continued awkward silence as paper tape loads]

YOU: Okay, eighty cents is your change, and thanks for giving me the creeps. Don't be surprised to see a moving van in the parking lot later in the week.

ME: No problem. It's nice to have established that we have nothing in common beyond the close proximity of our living spaces.

Read this and this.  But why stop there - why not go read them all?

Love can overcome almost everything

And if it can't, a little K-Y jelly is sure to do the trick.  Check out this piece on "weapons of love" over at the Marmot's Hole.

The Big Ho on the silver screen

Kevin does it again (check out the hilarious pic at the end of his post)...humor is a good thing and he just keeps it coming.

The Beloved Leader on snow sculptures

Who says the Beloved Leader has no taste?  Anyone who likes Akira Fubuki (Not work safe!) is ok in my book!

Now I have seen it all

Hey all you single, lonely guys (you know who you are), listen up!  Your Uncle Nomad's come through again.  No more lonely nights staring at your monitor or sorting your socks.  No more choking the chicken while watching those vids you downloaded from Emule. Now you too can be all you can be! "Whatever do you mean, Uncle Nomad?" you ask.  "How can I, an ordinary guy be saved from a life of solitude and sock sorting?"  Hah!

I bring you...Korean Seduction Science!

The most powerful, One Of A Kind, Time-tested, Unique and Proven System That Guarantees To Give You The Most Success With Beautiful Korean Women Whether You Are A Novice or Experienced, or It’s FREE

• Six things you must to do to get a Korean girl to go out with you
• What makes a man sexy to a Korean woman
• How to attract and flatter beautiful Korean women
• How to meet Korean girls on the internet
• 10 things you must NEVER say to a Korean girl
• Why men prefer Korean women
• What Korean women think of non-Koreans
• Why do Korean women find non-Korean men attractive

Ok, I've done my part and the rest is up to you.  Happy holidays.

What he's really thinking

The original pic can be found at the Chosun Ilbo...

President Roh Moo-hyun marvels at ceramic ware made by Shim Soo-kwan, who has carried on a tradition of ceramics-making for 15 generations, in Kagoshima, Japan on Saturday. Roh toured there on the sidelines of his state visit to Japan. The founder of the Shim family, Shim Dang-kil, was abducted by Japanese troops with 80 other Korean ceramists in 1598 when Toyotomi Hideyoshi invaded Chosun in 1592-93. After arriving in Japan, Shim Dang-kil set up a kiln that later become one of Japan’s three most famous ceramics-making houses.

Yep, you can learn something new every day

Do yourself a favor and go read Jeff's latest post: The Harmful Things of the Youth and The Youth Harmful Area.  Not only is it...umm...informative, but hilarious as well.

A Lawyers Holiday Greeting, (Politically Correct)

The below was sent to me by alert reader Bill, who also mentioned in passing that my blog would be more interesting and probably get a few more hits if I posted some "better" pics.  Maybe there are only so many trout a person can look at week after week.  Well Bill, this one's for you.  Now that we have that out of the way, here's Bill's contribution:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive,
gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within
the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or
secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular
persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice
religious or secular traditions at all . . .

.. . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar
year 2005, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other
cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not
to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is
the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the
race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of
computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is
subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no
alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to
actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void
where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the
wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual
application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance
of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is
limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole
discretion of the wisher.)

It's not always curiosity that kills the cat

Determination

Just think - some day, somewhere, you may meet this guy on the road. [Emphasis mine]

A 70-year-old farmer passed the written part of his driving license test Monday on his 194th attempt, thus ending one man's personal odyssey to get behind the steering wheel - before coming unstuck in the practical part of the exam.

Oh Sang-baek from Uiseong County in Gyeongbuk Province scored 60 points in the written examination to edge him closer to a Class 2 driver's license last Thursday at the Mungyeong Driver's License Examination Office. In a nod to his success, the office gave him a Christmas card and a small gift.

Oh took, and failed, his first written examination in December 2002. The next day, he repeated the exercise, and the day after that.

In a fierce display of Korean resilience, he re-took the test almost daily at Gyeongbuk Provincial Police Agency and Daegu Metropolitan Police Agency's examination offices, only pausing when the demands of a busy farming season interrupted his studies. He finally scored enough points to apply for the course-driving test after two years of written-paper trial and error.

But he wasn't quite ready to hit the roads just yet.

After scoring more minuses than pluses on his first practical driving test, which took place at 3 p.m. Monday, Oh was undaunted.

"Rome wasn't built in a day," he said.

"I really need a driver's license for my work. I will come back everyday and take the test until the day I pass."

Scary, isn't it?

Why it's hard to shop overseas

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Tuesday funny and zen

With or without his lab coat, The Big Hominid just keeps cracking me up.

Speaking of the Big Ho, after my dental wimp post, he told me to check into one-pointed-mind meditation, thinking it might help.  I had no clue what that was, so I asked him for some details, which he gladly provided:

One-pointed mind is a state of hgh focus-- i.e., you're focusing on a
single meditative "point"-- or maybe even a physical point.  Many will
associate this with some styles of Buddhist meditation, but  the
notion of one-pointed mind comes from Hinduism, if I'm not mistaken.

Zen meditation is occasionally described as one-pointed mind, but I
think this is a misnomer.  A Korean master based in Germantown, MD,
Master Shin Go Seong, says that, when you meditate, "your  mind has no
address."  This is different from the intense focus of the one-pointed
technique, in my opinion.

In Zen meditation, it's better to think of your mind as being like a
mirror.  A mirror retains nothing; if something red passes in front of
it, then the mirror shows red.  Once the red thing is gone, it leaves
the mirror, too.  In the same way, your mind is a field of  constant
perceptual input, but it shouldn't be attaching to any of these
stimuli.  Hearing a sound and then fixating on it is a big no-no.
Instead, the mind "has no address"-- i.e., the sound occurs, creates
eddies and ripples in your consciousness, and then those eddies and
ripples will die down.  Zen meditation is striving for a state of
setlledness, called samadhi (also variously translated as
"concentration" and "absorption").

A good example of one-pointed mind in action can be found in Joe
Hyams's great little book, "Zen in the Martial Arts."  He tells the
story of a martial arts master who went to the dentist for some cavity
work and refused the painkiller, preferring simply to use the
one-pointed technique (he focused on a spot on the wall, or on the
ceiling; I don't remember) to deal with the pain.  Never moved a
muscle during the whole procedure.

Well yesterday was THE DAY and I knew Dr. Kim was intent on yanking that bad boy out no matter what so I decided to give the Big Ho's suggestion a try (One difference - I sure as hell didn't refuse the pain killer).  I won't go into too many details on what I did fantasize about concentrate on, but let's juts say it involved Dr. Kim's lovely dental assistant, Frederick's of Hollywood, and yours truly.  I don't know if that was quite zen-like or not, but it sure did the trick.  Hey wait, doc, I'm not finish yet, would you like to pull another tooth? Thanks, Kevin!

Today's class: Drinking 101

From the Dong-A Ilbo comes this comprehensive tutorial for those who like to get shit-faced consume alcohol - and just in time for the holidays!  I hope some of you are paying attention.

Relieve Thirst and Hunger First -

It is easy to over drink when you mistake thirst and hunger in the evening as “thirst for alcohol.” Any food tastes good in a state of hunger. So is the “taste of the first glass.” Before you pour alcohol into an empty stomach and shout “My body wants alcohol today,” have a meal and drink water first.

What?  Eat before drinking?  Isn't that like taking a nap right before bedtime? Like going to Burger King before you hit the all-you-can-eat-buffet?

How much alcohol should one drink for it to not become poison to the body? Doctors advise a daily dose of less than 50g regardless of a person’s drinking ability. If you drink three to five glasses of alcohol in a glass fit for the particular type of alcohol, you would be drinking approximately 50g. Such an amount will not greatly harm the body.

What, exactly, is a glass fit for the particular type alcohol?  I know people who think a glass fit for whiskey is a 16 ounce tumbler so...

Drinking slowly is also important. The body’s ability to dissolve alcohol per hour is limited. Drinking too much alcohol at once will cause more alcohol to be absorbed than is dissolved. If so, one’s alcohol level will rise suddenly and cause intoxication in a short period of time.

Isn't that the whole point?  To become falling-down drunk as fast as possible? (especially since USFK has blessed us with a curfew).

Is Overdrinking Okay if I Have a Lot of Appetizers? -

Some people advise others to eat greasy food such as pork before drinking, saying, “Fat slows down the stomach’s ability to absorb alcohol.” However there are no safety devices in alcohol. Greasy garnishes will only lead to abdominal obesity.

You have to each a lot of garnishes in order to help the liver’s activities in dissolving alcohol. High-protein, high-fat food lingers in the stomach, delaying the absorption of alcohol. However, since it is absorbed directly in the stomach without dissolving, there are little results.

No matter how many side dishes you have, the body absorbs most of the alcohol one drinks within 30 minutes. Eating garnishes will not delay the absorption of alcohol, it will only decrease the number of times you hold up the glass to drink.

Avoid salty garnishes. They will cause thirst and make you drink even more. Hot garnishes give more stress to an already stressed-out stomach. Non-greasy meat and fiber-rich vegetables are the best snacks to go with alcohol.

Conclusion:  Stick to the booze.

Mixing Drinks is a Regrettable Act –

If you want to drink without having hangovers, stick to one type of alcohol. “Bomb alcohol” is the worst choice, because the carbon dioxide in the beer accelerates the body’s absorption of the soju or whiskey that is dropped in the beer glass as the “core of the bomb.” The liver’s ability to dissolve alcohol soon extends its limit as well.

Mixing drinks will cause headaches long after alcohol is completely dissolved. Hangovers are caused by additives that enhance the color and smell of alcohol. The mixture of various additives leads to several chemical reactions, making headaches even worse.

Now this is stating the obvious, isn't it?  But once you get hammered in the zone, you're sucking down anything that even remotely looks alcoholic, right? 

Will Singing and Vomiting Quicken Recovery from Drunkenness? -

There are no special ways to recover from a hangover. Alcohol will only be dissolved with time. Some foods are claimed to accelerate the dissolving of alcohol, but doctors warn against trusting what uncertain effects they may have, and continuing to drink excessively because of this.

You do not have refrain from wanting to throw up. However, since alcohol is quickly absorbed, most of the substance let out will be the food you ate. Waking up from a state of intoxication after vomiting is only a psychological effect. Forcing yourself to vomit in order to wake up will tear the blood vessels between the esophagus and stomach or make stomach acid come up, leading to esophagitis.

Singing and dancing can help discharge alcohol from the body through respiration and sweat. However their greater merit is in the fact that less alcohol is drunk while doing so.

There you have it.  Armed with this knowledge, you too can party the night(s) away.  Once again, to sum it up: Only drink alcohol out of the glass it's intended for (choose your glass wisely), keep it down to 3-5 glasses and you're ok.  Stick to one type of booze, eat some food before drinking, and it's ok to throw up except all you're going to expel is the food you ate in the first place to keep from getting too drunk, which you knew you were going to end up doing anyway so why spend the money on food when you can use it later to buy more booze?  If you're already too drunk to drink any more (is that possible?), no matter where you are - sing and dance till you drip sweat because then you can use the money you didn't spend on food to buy yet more alcohol and party on!

Quote(s) of the week

Oh my, so much to blog about but Mrs. Nomad commands my attention tonight so I leave you with this classic quote by our favorite prez:

"Koreans love and greatly respect Polish heroes like Copernicus, Chopin and Pope John Paul II."

Oh wait, here's another:

"I, like most Koreans, was brought up regaled with the stories of great Poles like Madame Curie and the music of Chopin."

Read more here, if you dare.

Gun Control

Hooded winter jacket with large inside pocket to conceal identity & carry gun: $65

9mm Handgun purchased from Ray-Jay up the block: $150

Failure to master proper weapon retention during your planned armed robbery:
PRICELESS!

In the Navy

Found this over at Rokus.net.

It's Rubber Man

LOL, maybe I was wrong about the worst job for a foreigner in Korea. It could be a lot worse, as I found this in the JoongAng Daily.

A person dressed as a condom handing out samples yesterday to passers-by in Myeong-dong, Seoul, as part of an AIDS prevention campaign.

Now, we don't know if this poor guy/gal is a foreigner, but could you imagine having to put this down on a resume?  Or telling your significant other what you do for a living?

At a loss for words (WTF department)

Seeing this left me absolutely speechless.  Words elude me.  WTF?

Brave, but dumb

What?

My new friend Hans

Today I received another one of those weird get-rich-scheme emails:

Dear friend,

Assalamu'Alaikum.

Greetings to you in the name of Allah the most holy one.

I am writing you this mail with a great hope that you will consider the message contained in it and respond  accordingly.Before I proceed I will like to introduce myself:

I am Barr.Hans Dragsnes,a norwegian by nationality and a praticing Lawyer of over 3 decades. I am a muslim,married with four children.I am a personal lawyer to a very prominent and renown personality in Asia and the world at large who is presently in detention.

I am contacting you for your hand of partnership in a business worth  $58million (fifty eight million US dollars).I got your contact through a personal search on the internet. Though we have not met before,i am confident that we would be able to establish the necessary trust needed for the execution of  this project.All that I require from you is your total cooperation. I decided to with hold some informations in this mail for security reasons but I shall furnish you is with the full details relevant to this transaction as soon as we have been able to establish some trust.

A while ago,my client got me acquainted with his plans to establish an ultra modern movie production facilitywith state of the art technology for movie production.This he intended to do when he retires from public  service.For this purpose he set aside the sum of $58 million (fifty eight million US dollars) out of the huge fortune he made from the movie
industry while  he was still a movie producer and a movie actor in his country.He  seperated this funds and deposited them with two different security firms located in two different locations in the world.

On one of my visits to my client in prison recently,my client confided  in me to assist his family to withdraw these funds and secure a secret way to relocate his family from his country to a safe place where they can  be free from political oppression and death threats.

The political oppression on his family has grown so bad now that they  now live in fear and misery.All their known monetary and landed assets have been confiscated and all their local as well as international bank  account
frozen by the government.All these atrocities are being propagated by  my client's enemies in government who are jealous of his socio/political success.His family have been placed under a travelling embargo which prevents them
from travellling out of their country.I was as well placed under a  travelling embargo but I had to secure a way to London where I am at this moment.I did this to enable me have a conducive atmosphere to execute our plans effectively
and smoothly. As soon as we have been able to retrieve the funds I shall go back to move my client's family to a safe country where they can settle down in peace and as well invest the funds in a very viable business venture.If you can guarantee our safety then we can consider your country for this purpose.

We have the intention of retrieving one of the monies to enable us  finalise our plans.This is why i contacted you.I want you to be our partner who will assist in the retrieval of the funds and securing it in a foreign account.I shall be available to give you the right directives on how to go about the whole process.

Also be assured that this transaction does not involve any thing  illegal neither does it involve any form of risk .It is absolutely risk free.If you give me your cooperation we shall have a smooth and speedy  conclusion of this transaction.

we shall negotiate what shall be your commision in this deal.I just  want you to be rest assured that you will be handsomely rewarded at the end  of this project.

Please do reply me immediately if you are interested in assisting us in this regard.

Please also note that this must be kept in absolute confidentiality for security reasons even if you are not interested.

I await your response to this mail.

Pls do reply to my confidential email via
(barrhansdragsnes@web2mail.com)

Best regards

Barr.Hans Dragsnes.
(London,Uk)

Instead of trashing it, I replied:

Hans (you don't mind if I call you Hans, do you?)

This is indeed great news as I'm the father of 7 and have recently lost my job here at the local garbage dump.  Losing my job also means losing our house, as my former employer allowed us to live in a cardboard shack at the edge of the dump for only half my monthly salary as rent.
It wasn't as bad as it sounds, as we were able to scrounge the daily garbage for leftover food scraps, so we were rarely hungry.  And some days we got really lucky and found old clothes to wear too!  Don't worry Hans, we got used to the smell after a while.
But now that Allah (did you say you're Norwegian?) has brought us together, my days of worry are over.  With the money I'm sure to make from our business venture, I can provide for my family like a man should.  I shall buy the garbage dump, and a full-sized refrigerator so I can use the box to build an addition to our old house. Just think, Hans, I'll finally have a 2 room apartment for my family! 

I can hardly wait to hear back from you, wait till I tell my family about this blessing!

Your friend for life,

LN

Think I'll get a reply?

Speaking of KJI's pictures, or lack thereof

From KJI's live journal

LOL

Call me sick, but this one just had me in tears.

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Turn off that cell phone!

This is just too funny -  Not only did this guy get busted for purse snatching, but for motorcycle theft as well.

Police caught a 23-year-old man who snatched a woman's handbag within 40 minutes thanks to the location finder function of the woman's cell phone, which was in her bag at the time of the robbery. As she was walking along a roadside in Myeongmok-dong, Seoul, a 21-year-old office worker by the name of Kim was robbed of her handbag by a man following behind her on a motorcycle at 8:20 a.m. Wednesday. Kim reported the incident to police and told an officer who arrived on the scene what the perpetrator looked like and in which direction he fled. Nor did she forget to mention that in her bag was a cell phone equipped with a function with which one could track the location of the handset using her boyfriend's cell phone. Police immediately tried using the function and confirmed that Kim's cell phone was still in the area. At around 9:00 a.m., police caught a 23-year-old man by the name of Park in a nearby residential ally. Police said, "Park was riding a motorcycle near the very spot where the incident took place without knowing Kim's location tracker mobile phone was in the bag." In addition, they said, Park stole the motorcycle he used in the crime from somewhere in the area just before snatching Kim's handbag.

Fred on the election

I just knew Fred would eventually have something to say about the election results, and without further ado, here are a few choice samples:

The way it looks to me is coastal snots against the heartland. The wine-and-cheese folk against pickups with gun racks. Texas against Massachusetts. Maybe that’s too simple, but I’m not going to admit it. I don’t have to. I’m writing the column.

Put it this way: If Kerry had worn a cowboy hat, he’d be president. Yep, he was a hat away from the brass ring. About size three, I’d guess.

It was the cultural divide. The coastal snots have enormous contempt for Texas, Oklahoma, the South, and any other place where people can change a flat tire. Along the Northeast Corridor the snots talk of rednecks, express wonderment that some of them can read, and regard them as barbarians inhabiting blank spaces on the map with dragons drawn in them. For snots in Massachusetts, most of the country is just an inconvenience in getting to the other coast. Flyover Land. They think that people in Alabama live naked in the forest and eat grubs they dig out of stumps.

The pickup people are tired of it. And the cheese people just found out.

A lot of columnists and talking heads on the coasts thought that the election was going to be a referendum on the war in Iraq. I doubt it was. Nobody in the middle of the country knows, or cares, anything about the world outside the United States. Nobody in Massachusetts knows anything, or cares much, about the world inside the United States. The Bush people have never heard of the Crimea. The Kerry people have barely heard of Texas.

Hehe. "The cheese people."  Somewhat Monty Python-ish.  Here's a little more:

When you have seen a thousand impassioned sheep waving witless placards at a political rally, you realize that facts don’t matter. Look and feel are everything. Bush and Kerry are both pampered ineffectual rich brats, one a drunk, the other a gigolo. Kerry comes from Massachusetts, though, and you just know he eats curious salads with strange names. By contrast, Bush has a certain ferret-like pugnacity to him and a low-wattage mind that people between the coasts are comfortable with. He isn’t going to use any of them high-falutin’ words, because he honestly doesn’t know them. He won’t confuse anyone.

People in Kansas aren’t stupid--not given the admittedly sorry baseline for humanity. They are intensely local, though, and use their minds for practical things. When it comes to foreign policy they are better on principle than detail. I keep reading that sixty-some percent of Republicans believe that Iraq did New York. (Given what Republicans generally think of New York, I’m not sure why they aren’t grateful.) They know that somebody did something bad to us, and they want to smack the bejesus out of someone for it. That’s principle. “Smack who” is a detail.

If you so desire, you can read the entire article here.

My daily dose of humor

I hope you're checking both the KJI blog and the KJI live journal daily.

"Dr. Judas Priest"...I almost lost it.

Maybe they really don't know?

N. Korea Still Not Acknowledging Bush Re-election

There could be something to this, after all.

The Kim Jong Il blog!

Thanks to Simon of Simon World for the link...

Looks like the 6 way talks are on hold until the dear leader figures out this blogging stuff...can anyone help him out? Go check out his new blog, it's sure to be a riot if the initial posts are any indication of what's to come.

And, he's even found time to update his live journal! Here's a sample but be sure to read them all...hilarity at its finest.

Hilarious

News Anchor Dan Rather and Peter Jennings, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts and a U.S. Marine were hiking through the desert one day when they were captured by Iraqis. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the leader.

The leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowl full of hot, spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Peter Jennings said "I am Canadian; so I'd like to hear the English National Anthem one last time". The leader nodded to a terrorist who studied the United States and knew the music was the same as to 'God Bless America'. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the music. Jennings sighed and declared he could now die peacefully.

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the butt," said the Marine."

"What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt," insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the butt. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead.

In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, the Iraqis were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings and Roberts, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt?"

"What??" said the Marine, "And have you three jackasses call ME the aggressor??!!"

Charisma Man

Check out the cartoon strip Charisma Man I found over at What not to do in Asia, another blog I need to add to my sidebar.

Here's a sample:

A Riddle

Kevin over at IA just had to get one more dig in.

Presidential Horror Show

The Presidential Horror Show

Motivational posters for drinkers

Some of you may be familiar with the series of Demotivator posters from Despair Inc. Well here's a set made up by someone targeting the drinking crowd:

Blacking Out
Camaraderie
Defiance
Friendship
Goals
Individuality
Indominability
Interpretation
Judgment
Planning
Risk
Note: The last line on some of these is cut off in the popup window (at least they were in my browser when I tested them). If you experience the same problem, you can save to disk and then view.

IA in da house!

Kevin over at Incestuous Amplification makes an encore post (and we here hope there are more to come) in which he pokes a little harmless fun at the Marmot and the New York Yankees.

Good stuff.

Don't mess with the folks in Clark County, Ohio

My good friend (and loyal reader of this blog) Dave (I keep hinting he should become a co-author here) sent me the following via email. The good folks at the Guardian (A British newspaper) started a project called Operation Clark County which gave someone an email address of a registered voter in Clark County, Ohio. The reason?

It works like this. By typing your email address into the box on this page, you will receive the name and address of a voter in Clark County, Ohio. You may not have heard of it, but it's one of the most marginal areas in one of the most marginal states: at the last election, just 324 votes separated Democrats from Republicans. It's a place where a change of mind among just a few voters could make a real difference.

Writing to a Clark County voter is a chance to explain how US policies effect you personally, and the rest of the world more generally, and who you hope they will send to the White House. It may even persuade someone to use their vote at all.

Here are just a few of the responses they received from around the U.S.:

Who in the hell do you think you are??? Well, I'll tell you, you're a bunch of meddling socialist pricks! Stay the hell out of our country and politics. And another thing, John Kerry is a worthless lying sack of crap so it doesn't surprise me that a socialist rag like yours would back him. I hope your cynical ploy blows up in your cowardly faces, you bunch of mealy-mouthed morons! United States

It gets better!

Keep your noses out of our business. As I recall we kicked your asses out of our country back in 1776. We do not require input from losers and idiots on who we vote for in our own country. Fuck off and die asshole!!!!! Knoxville, Iowa

ROTFLMAO

THE AMERICAN TAXPAYERS HAVE SPENT TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS PROTECTING THE PEOPLES OF THE EU, AND WHAT DO WE GET IN RETURN. BETRAYAL, BETRAYAL, BETRAYAL. I HAVE BEEN TO YOUR COUNTRY, THE COUNTRY OF MY ANCESTORS, AND I KNOW WHY THEY LEFT.

MAY YOU HAVE TO HAVE A TOOTH CAPPED. I UNDERSTAND IT TAKES AT LEAST 18 MONTHS FOR YOUR GREAT MEDICAL SERVICES TO GET AROUND TO YOU. HAVE A GREAT DAY.
Harlan, Kentucky

"May you have to have a tooth capped" Oh that's just too rich...

My dear, beloved Brits, I understand the Guardian is sponsoring a service where British citizens write to Americans to advise them on how to vote. Thank heavens! I was adrift in a sea of confusion and you are my beacon of hope!

Feel free to respond to this email with your advice. Please keep in mind that I am something of an anglophile, so this is not confrontational. Please remember, too, that I am merely an American. That means I am not very bright. It means I have no culture or sense of history. It also means that I am barely literate, so please don't use big, fancy words.

Set me straight, folks!
Dayton, Ohio

KEEP YOUR FUCKIN' LIMEY HANDS OFF OUR ELECTION. HEY, SHITHEADS, REMEMBER THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR? REMEMBER THE WAR OF 1812? WE DIDN'T WANT YOU, OR YOUR POLITICS HERE, THAT'S WHY WE KICKED YOUR ASSES OUT. FOR THE 47% OF YOU WHO DON'T WANT PRESIDENT BUSH, I SAY THIS ... TOUGH SHIT! PROUD AMERICAN VOTING FOR BUSH!

I'm laughing so hard I'm crying!

Consider this: stay out of American electoral politics. Unless you would like a company of US Navy Seals - Republican to a man - to descend upon the offices of the Guardian, bag the lot of you, and transport you to Guantanamo Bay, where you can share quarters with some lonely Taliban shepherd boys. United States

You can find these and many others (many more kind than the above) here

Thanks for the laugh, Dave!

Heh

Enjoy Every Sandwich

I washed and waxed the Nomad mobile today and methinks I should have passed on that endeavor, because I seem to have worked up quite a sweat (on a holiday, can you believe it?). But I digress because that's not the reason for this post. As I was sitting down to let the beads of sweat on my noggin dry, I came across a blog called Enjoy Every Sandwich. Quite humorous and entertaining, but what really caught my eye was this hilarious post. Here's a small sample:

As one can can imagine, having a nation of people wanting to blow you up can be pretty stressful. People under stress find creative ways to relieve that stress. This usually involves getting one's dick wet. This is where foreign hookers have served a historically useful purpose. Men are of the universal opinion that you really haven't seen the world until you've taken it from behind on its hands and knees.

Can you imagine a world without the phrase "Hey GI Joe, me so horny. You like fuckee-fuckee? Me love you long time. Only five dollar!" Yeah, me neither.

Well, the Pentagon wants to change all of that. The very folks who told us that US forces could fear getting hit with nothing more dangerous than the odd rose in Baghdad now want to criminalize strange poontang.

That's right, the Pentagon wants to revise the Uniform Code of Military Justice to make it even more antiquated than it already is. The UCMJ already provides jail time for adultery. And God help you if your a homo. You know, if the military is determined to take all of te fun out of war, it's going to get even harder to get people to join. And with diminishing force projection levels and 190-some odd countries left to invade, the US military is going to need all the bodies it can get.

He even offers a solution to the problem...funny stuff indeed. Yet another blog to add to my sidebar.

Documents reveal gaps in Bush's service as president

WASHINGTON, DC—Freshly unearthed public documents, ranging from newspapers to cabinet-meeting minutes, seem to indicate large gaps in George W. Bush's service as president, a spokesman for the watchdog group Citizens for an Informed Society announced Monday.

"We originally invoked the Freedom Of Information Act to request material relating to Bush's spotty record while in office," CIS director Catherine Rocklin said. "But then we realized that the information was readily available at the corner newsstand, on the Internet, and from our friends and neighbors who pay attention to the news."

According to Rocklin, the most damning documents were generated at roughly one-day intervals during a period beginning in January 2001 and ending this week. The document's sources include, but are not limited to, the U.S. newspaper The New York Times, the London-based Economist magazine, and the well-known international business and finance record, The Wall Street Journal.

"Factual data presented in these publications indicates that Bush took little or no action on issues as widely varied as the stalled economy, increasing violence in post-war Iraq, and the lagging public education system," Rocklin said. "The newsprint documents also reveal huge disparities between the ways Bush claimed to have served Medicare patients, and what he actually did."

Democratic vice-presidential nominee John Edwards said he was not surprised by the report.

"These documents reconfirm what they told us the first time we saw them," Edwards said while stumping for Kerry in Ohio. "Namely, that our president was seriously negligent during the three and a half years he was supposed to be serving his country."

House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-TX) is one of many Republicans who demanded an independent investigation into the authenticity of the documents.

"We're fairly confident that these so-called 'news stories' will turn out to be partisan smear tactics," DeLay said. "I wouldn't be surprised if all 11 billion of these words turn out to be forgeries. For thousands of reporters, editors, and government officials to claim that Bush compromised the security and fiscal health of this nation is not merely anti-American, but also dangerous."

In addition to the media documents, CIS examined more than 20,000 government records, which ranged from U.S. Department of Labor unemployment reports to transcripts of State Of The Union addresses.

Bush shirked his presidential duties with regard to the nation's fiscal health," Rocklin said. "Take, for example, the controversial memo in which Congressional Budget Office director Douglas Holtz-Eakin states that the federal deficit will reach a record high of $422 billion this year. This memo unequivocally shows that Bush was AWOL on the domestic front."

Rocklin said the documents indicate that Bush used his family's political connections to obtain his job in the executive branch.

"Bush stepped ahead of more qualified candidates to take what he thought would be a cushy job," Rocklin said. "Then, after signing up for a four-year term, he largely abandoned his post in 2004 to go work on a political campaign."

Rocklin said her organization obtained print-outs from the press-briefings section of the White House web site which show that Bush has spent nearly as much time out of the White House as in it.

U.S. Sen. Michael Enzi (R-WY) called the print-outs "meaningless."

"If the president said he did his duty, then he did," Enzi said. "Furthermore, so what if a bunch of White House staffers can't remember seeing Bush around the place? The West Wing is full of guys wearing identical blue suits. And how can anyone be expected to remember every little thing that went on 30 months ago?"

While experts say it may be too early to judge the impact the documents may have on the polls, top Bush-Cheney 2004 campaign organizers said they are confident the scandal will be short-lived.

"Our opponents have dredged up this kind of thing every time Bush has run for office," Bush campaign strategist Matthew Dowd said. "We've faced down widely reported, fully researched, carefully documented accounts of Bush's alcoholism, drug use, private-sector business failings, ignorance in matters of state, smug arrogance, and general self-serving lackadaisical behavior. So I'm hardly worried. An overwhelming mass of published information like this has never stopped Americans from voting for him before."

Now that, my friends, was some funny stuff (even if most of it was true). Entire article (including pics) ripped off borrowed from The Onion.

Funnies

My buddy Steve sent me these 2 pics this morning...

This one speaks for itself.

Here's one way to get attention...tie a few balloons to the back of your vehicle and drive down the road.

Kim Jong-il goes to Hollywood

Or should I say, to South Park.

I can't wait to see this movie! Betcha my last dollar you won't be catching this one at your local off-base cinema ;).

Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the satirical geniuses behind the famous ``South Park,'' have turned their social commentary towards the global war on terrorism.

A marionette comedy entitled ``Team America: World Police,'' set to hit theaters across the United States next week, features Kim Jong-il, the reclusive North Korean leader, as a ruthless dictator bent on world domination.

The action blockbuster stars marionettes that make up ``Team America,'' a secret taskforce that infiltrates terrorist organizations and discovers Kim has weapons of mass destruction. The puppet version of Kim appears as an evil villain who tries to sell his weapons to Muslim countries.

In the film, Kim talks about how Team America is ruining his plans before the now former U.N. chief weapons inspector Hans Blix comes along and wants to know why he can't see the full palace. The elite fighting force hires Gary Johnston, a rising star on Broadway, to go undercover and infiltrate the terrorist ring.

Despite its amusing storyline, the movie has sent ripples through Washington as it aims plenty of shots at the other end of the political spectrum, satirizing U.S. President George W. Bush and his war on terrorism, just ahead of the U.S. presidential election in November.

The use of puppets definitely doesn't mean the film is for children. Those familiar with ``South Park'' know how far Parker and Stone like to push the envelope of acceptability, and force the buttons of censors. After all, as the tagline of the Paramount film states, Team America puts the ``F'' back in Freedom.

Pic and article stolen from the Korea Times.

Why Asians kick our butt in math

I did some extensive research into this very subject and have discovered the startling answer.
(Warning: 2nd pic is not work safe)

View this first

Now you know

Urban dictionary

Have you ever wondered what some of the words in Eminem's, Lil' Kim's, or (insert your favorite rapper's name here) songs mean?

Well, once again, your uncle Nomad is here to help you see through the haze (You can thank me later).

What you need is the urban dictionary.

For example: What, exactly, does "def" mean? Let's find out:

def /def/ adj. to describe a person, thing, or event that is cool. iarchaic, circa 1981/i

"yo, mah pizzles, I got da hook-up at this def new club. It's suppose ta be off da hizzy"

Clear as mud, right?

Or how about that everyday household word "yo"?

1) A contraction of the possessive prenominal adjective "your." 2) An informal address or title to one whose name is not known to another; can be used as an interrogative address. 3)A declaritive or imperative exclaimation, whether alone or within a sentence.

1) How's yo momma?
2) Hey, yo! What's up, yo?
3) Yo! What the hell do you think you are doing?! Yo, just do your job! YO!

OR:

a word that died a horrible death in 1993 but still manages to haunt us through usage by white kids in nice neighborhoods who by some strange dementia think they are from the projects. you poor unfortunate soul.

Lookit me, i'm hardcore gangster. One day i'm playin in the front yard in my striped t shirt beating the dog witha stick and the next day i'm out sellin weed pimpin my 82 buick while blastin Lil Wayne. I'm real tough and straight from the hood, YO.

I crack myself up sometimes.

Lunch time humor (WTF department)

This is what boredom does to you. I started out at the Gweilo Diaries, read this post which got my curiosity up, followed the link to here, only to find on that page a link to this.

WTF?

I had to read the title twice to make sure I wasn't misreading.

How to Date a White Woman: A Practical Guide for Asian Men

About the Author Mr. Quan is an International Business Consultant. He has travelled and worked in many countries. For more than fifteen years, he has successfully dated women of many nationalities. He has provided here, his observations in dating White women and his thoughts on the subject of a romantic relation of an Asian man with a White woman.

Book Description
Feel Confident about approaching attractive White women, avoid making irreversible blunders...
How to Date a White Woman, A Practical Guide For Asian Men

Written by an Asian with Asian men in mind within the context of a western society. Provided inside are the knowledge, framework and tools necessary for an Asian man to understand, to plan and to put into action the steps to successfully date a white woman. This step-by-step guide includes planning, relationship management and is an easy to read and easy to understand manual. The guidelines presented will help you pursue and succeed with that white woman you are after.

There nothing I can add to the above narrative. It's humorous enough just as it stands.

Here's how one reader felt after reading this gem:

Yao-Ling Cho (Irvine, CA) writes: Adam Quan is best. He book converted completely my life. At the same time now I dating two white woman! It is best. I thought that he is the sex God.

LOL. Hey, I know what you're thinking - "That just ain't fair! How about us white guys who can't get a date with an Asian woman?" Fret no more, young man, your uncle Nomad is here for you! Allow me to introduce to you (drumroll please.................)

TA DAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

How to Attract Asian Women

About the Author Ming Tan, a Chinese-American writer who grew up in New York City, is the founder of a website that has helped numerous men understand and attract Asian women. She also hosts dating seminars and events for the Asian American Professionals Network. The New York Observer and New York Press have run articles regarding Ming Tan’s activities.

Book Description
Pssst!
Ever wished you could be a fly on the wall and listen to what some Asian women are saying to each other about dating, relationships and men? Now you can--just read this book! This book includes hundreds of quotes from single Asian females about the subject. These Asian ladies ranged from age 19 to 58, most of them living in major cities in the United States. If you want to attract someone like one of them, listen to them! . This book is a must-read for anyone who would like to understand Asian women.

I this a load of crap or what? What a cheap way to make a few bucks from lonely guys who probably need to spend more money on soap and toothpaste than on this book. But what do I know...let's see if it helped anyone or not:

tommynny (NY, NY United States) writes:

I just had to get this book because it is so unique. I don't believe any author has ever written a topic on how to approach Asian women. I couldn't put this book down as I read page after page of things I didn't know about Asian women. I especially liked how the author has laid everything out for you and make things to do seem so easy, step by step on how to approach Asian women, how to answer an Asian woman's personals ad, how to act on a first date, how to impress her family (very important!) and other important issues. I especially liked the quotes by the Asian women in the book. Very interesting and educational!

See? What do I know?

By the way, if you're one of the aforementioned guys that needs a little help, you can buy the book here

Chen makes a funny

I've said it before and I'll say it again - I have a weird sense of humor and am easily amused. For instance, I thought this was pretty funny, especially coming from a head of state:

TAIPEI (AFP) - Taiwan Foreign Minister Chen Tan-sun has said he has no plan to apologize to Singapore for derisively calling the small city-state "a country the size of a booger".

Chen quickly replied "no" to reporters asking if he plans to extend an apology for his language.

Asked Wednesday whether ties would be damaged, he replied: "It has been taken care of."

Chen sparked an outcry Monday with his description. He was responding to a speech by Singapore Foreign Minister George Yeo at the UN General Assembly, cautioning Taiwan that an independence drive would lead to war with China.

"Even a country the size of a booger brazenly criticized Taiwan and former president Lee Teng-hui in the United Nations (news - web sites)," Chen said in the Taiwanese dialect.

"It was nothing but an effort to embrace China's 'balls', forgive me using such a word... What he said was to try to please China."

I have to credit Chen with two funnies there; the "booger" statement and the "embrace China's balls" remark.

Read the rest here

Diamonds last forever

A friend of mine sent me these pics (thanks Ian, funny stuff indeed). If I do this right, the first one'll be displayed and the other 4'll show up as links.

View this photo

View this photo

View this photo

View this photo

The latest Fred

I like Fred. I really do. The man cracks me up (which is relatively easy to do) and he's often (not always, but often) right. Here, for your amusement, is a snippet of his latest column:

There follows an explanation of our invasion of Iraq as understood by my email.

(1) We invaded because Saddam Hussein was a royal sonofabitch.

The characterization is hard to dispute. I note that no one cared what he was until 9-11. In any event he is no longer there, so why are we?

(2) We wanted the oil. There isn’t enough for both us and a developed China. Grab while the grabbin´s good.

Plausible. But why not, say, Saudi Arabia and Kuwait, with smaller populations and far less capacity for being difficult?

(3) Saddam had really nasty atomic bombs and a gazillion gallons of nerve agents and was going to attack New York and kill orphans and widows.

If this had been true, at least the possession-of atomic-bombs part, destruction of the atomic facilities by whatever means necessary would have been reasonable. Control of nuclear weapons by one person isn’t a good idea. But we knew he didn’t have them. Iraq after Gulf I was perhaps the most watched real-estate on earth. We had spy planes, overflights, a tight embargo, and half of NSA pointed at Iraq. A third of the Iraqi population consisted of Mossad agents. Tall Iraqis were sometimes decapitated by low-flying satellites. (They wear helmets now.) We knew there were no A-bombs. Anyway, there sure aren’t now. So why are we there?

(4) It was a Jewish plot, a lot of the Neoconservatives, who pushed for the war, being Jewish.

For this to work, the war has to be beneficial to Israel. Is it? I dunno. The Israelis are said to know a lot about the Middle East. (Reportedly they live there.) They would presumably know that an invasion would turn into a mess. When—if, I mean, if—the US bails out, will Israel really be in a stronger position? Or will Iran? I dunno.

(5) It’s an Islamic plot. The ragheads have been out to conquer the United States since 622. It’s a war of civilizations. If we don’t stop them in Baghdad, we’ll have to fight them in New York.

This view may embody an exaggerated notion of the powers of the Islamic Navy. I picture Bedouin camel pilots around the campfire at night, with desert winds soughing over the sand, toasting each other, “Next year in Washington.” But if this is a war of civilizations, why doesn’t Europe stop giving them visas? And I note that about the first thing Shrub did after Nine Eleven was to charge off to a mosque. I dunno.

(6) It’s a Baptist plot. Bush and his religious-right crazies want to blow up the Middle East on orders from God.

I’m not sure why God couldn’t do it himself if so inclined. But here I’m completely out of my league. Bush is beyond my powers. I didn’t much like Bill Clinton, but he was neither evil nor hard to understand. I liked Hillary less, but she was neither incomprehensible nor against habeas corpus or the right to an attorney. I have no idea what runs through the mind of Bush. It worries me. These days so much can occur in a confined space.

Read the entire article here.

Weekend funny

You may have seen this already. I just found the URL in a txt file I had on disk so I thought I'd share.

Update: I had the clip embedded but decided to just post the link instead.

Here it is, go check it out.

Jeff and Drew

I got back from a job over at Camp Humphreys this afternoon and having an hour or so to kill before quitting time, I made myself a cup of coffee and scanned through the local blogs. I went over to Jeff's blog and checked his current post and the pictures he took today. Pretty cool stuff (especially the dragon) but when I got to the bottom I laughed so hard I sprayed coffee all over my keyboard and monitor.

Sorry Jeff, but there is a slight resemblence...

Cleveland rocks (come on, sing along), Cleveland rocks....

The drivethru from hell

My wife and daughter were on base today and met me when I got off work and being the nice guy that I am, and not having had any junk food for a while, I offered to buy us all dinner at Burger King. Below is an honest to God account of what happened when we pulled into the drivethru:

Cashier: Hello welcome to Burger King, may I help you?

Me: I'd like a Big Fish made like a Whopper and...

Cashier: Excuse me?

Me: I'd like a Big Fish made like a Whopper and...

Cashier: You want a fish sandwich and a Whopper?

Me:...

(My wife and daughter think this is funny and start giggling. I give them dirty looks)

Cashier: Hello? Sir?

Me: No, I'd like a fish sandwich made LIKE a Whopper.

Cashier:...

Me: Did you get that?

Cashier:...

Me: Hello? Is this thing on? Can the people in the back hear me ok? (By now my wife and daughter are literally rolling in their seats with laughter)

Cashier: What's so funny?

Me: Never mind. Ok. I want a fish sandwich. But I want it made like a whopper. You know, with lettuce, tomato, onion. Just make me a Whopper, but instead of beef, put fish in there, ok?

Cashier:...

Me: Is it really that hard to understand what I'm asking for?

Cashier: Sir, excuse me but...

Me: Lady, ok, one more time. I want a fish sandwich, but made LIKE a whopper.

Cashier: Sir, excuse me, could you please come to the window?

I pulled up to the window, past the window, and went to Popeyes instead. I ordered the 9 piece family special that comes with 2 sides, plus a 5 piece chicken breast strips (most of which go to our 2 Shih-Tzus). First, I had to wait 5 minutes because the chicken breast strips weren't done cooking. Ok, fine. Then, and get this, the cashier asks me what kind of sauce I want with the breast strips.

I get home, and there are no fucking breast strips in the fucking bag.

This is all I have to say, folks:

Update: We went on base today and "The Enforcer" went into Popeyes and read them the riot act. She walked out with a 10 piece chicken breast strips and a card for 2 free 2 piece combo meals. I bet they're still cleaning up the carnage.

You go, Jeff!

Do yourself the favor of reading Jeff's post, the comment he received, and the subsequent response by Jeff to said comment. Just hilarious.

Tucker Max

Oh. My. God.

If you haven't already, you have got to read Tucker Max (Now permanently affixed to my sidebar). Start with The Famous Sushi Pants Story and work your way down. Guaranteed laughs. I just read Tucker goes to hockey game; hilarity ensues and laughed so hard I was crying. No shit. That funny.

Update: Hmmm. This is odd. I can't access this site from home. Maybe it's down right now, will try again a bit later. Or maybe KT doesn't appreciate Tucker's brand of humor...

Funny but true

I'm a parent and I also have a weird sense of humor (or so I've been told). Not sure if it was the former, the latter, or a combination thereof that had me cracking up when I read this one.

Hilarious

For the fishermen (and fisherwomen)

This from the Onion. (Thanks to James for the link).

BRULE RIVER, WI—The appearance of a shiny, bobbling object in the water of the Brule, just upstream of the big sunken oak stump, is generating considerable interest among members of the fish community, river sources reported Monday.

"The luminous, gray-dappled exterior of this dipping and jogging object is so captivating that trout, bass, bluegill, and even members of the normally indifferent carp population are drawn to its undulant movement," said a 67-day-old yellow perch who has lived in the Brule all his life.

The perch added: "No one's sure what it is, but it certainly has our attention."

Descriptions vary due to differing levels of color vision and depth perception, but freshwater residents agree that the object is about the length of three adult crickets, laid end to end.

One freshwater source said the object appeared near the stump just after sunrise, then migrated sinuously upstream.

"I saw the shiny object this morning," an eight-pound walleyed pike said. "I was up in that area by the stump waiting for the late-summer caddis-fly hatch that should be coming any day now, when it came out of the air. It rose out for a time, only to reappear again by the stump a minute or so later."

The walleye characterized the object as "mesmerizingly minnow-esque."

"The bass were the first to talk about it, but they're kind of a coarse fish," the walleye said, slowly swaying his tail fin from right to left. "It's when the trout get involved that you have to take notice. They're cautious, generally. When I saw that even they were gathering around the glinting thing, I thought, 'Well, I'm game!'"

Some say they have seen the object before, on weekday evenings and weekend days. Local authorities have had difficulty gaining a consensus, however, because river fish do not commonly associate in schools.

Aquatic experts say that decisive action will be taken regarding the object in the near future.

"Someone's going to lunge for it," said a black crappie, speaking for members of the river's large Pomoxis nigromaculatus population. "What we are seeing now is a contest between patience and curiosity. We're enraptured, frankly. Is it the shininess, like unto the scales of a smaller fish? Or the flickering, recalling the wings of a struggling beetle? Perhaps it's those baffling silver extensions, glinting so in the light. What are they? And, then, of course, there is the wriggling. The wriggling! Like a helpless, flailing tadpole, when you have him in your mouth, and you experience that delicious moment when he still might get away."

Added the crappie: "All I know is, I can't take either of my non-stereoscopic eyes off of it."

Not every species was impressed.

"That shiny thing, that ain't no new thing," said a 19-pound muskellunge who traveled up the nearby chain of lakes to the Brule earlier this summer. "That thing is in all the rivers. These guys have no long-term memory at all. Brains is too small."

Although interest in the object varies, with smaller panfish being the least curious and larger freshwater predators sustaining their interest over several hours, no fish has yet made contact with the object.

"Shiny as it is, wriggly as it is, and tempting as it would be to just snatch it up, there's a feeling in the downstream area that it isn't to be taken lightly," said a brown trout and self-described expert in shiny objects. "No one will soon forget the example set by that perch a couple years ago. Why, they say he brashly ignored the elders' repeated warnings about suspiciously colored worms, and he hasn't been seen since."

Why tourists get a bad name

Funny stuff, or so I thought.

Relationship quiz

Haha...I took this relationship quiz and here are my results:

eXpressive: 5/10
Practical: 7/10
Physical: 6/10
Giver: 8/10

You are a RPYG--Reserved Practical Physical Giver. This makes you a 1950s Parent.

That's a good thing, right?

You are relentlessly patient, loving, generous and devoted. You are unflappable. If on some rare occasion you do raise your voice or say a swear word in anger, anyone around to hear it will remember it (and think it was funny). At the same time, you're very cute and charming, and even if you don't catch someone's eye at the beginning of the night you'll surely have their attention by the end.

The only problem with the above is that if I don't catch someone's eye at the beginning of the night, it's too bad cuz I'll be asleep by 10 :)

Your calm, conservative nature conceals a passionate (and sexy!) heart.

Interpretation: You're boring.

You can have trouble bringing up problems, but your approach to conflict is calm and even-handed. The problem can be is that you are so busy worrying about your partner's satisfaction that you don't ensure your own. This can build up over time and make you restless. Despite your sexual nature, you are more likely to cheat emotionally than physically.

Oooh my sexual nature....sounds like a Marvin Gaye song.

You tend to work out your frustrations in the bedroom. Depending on your partner, this can be an excellent strategy. You would be a great candidate to balance out an XSYT, but not a good match for an unappreciative RPYT.

What the heck is a XSYT? Do they wear stockings and high heels to bed? If so, I'm ready to balance!

You have an odd, ritualized vice that doesn't suit the rest of your persona -- like smoking a certain brand of cigarettes or drinking a certain kind of wine.

Don't most smokers stick to one brand? What's so odd or ritualized about that? Now odd or ritualized would be something like wiping your butt exactly 5 times or only brushing your teeth during full moons.

More medals for Kerry

We are somewhat surprised at the scant news coverage given to John Kerry’s quick trip to Athens this past Saturday to cheer on the beleaguered US Men’s Basketball team in its bronze medal game against Lithuania. It was a noble gesture and we are sure it meant a lot to our players, who by the way ended up winning the game 104-96.

More controversial for Kerry was the story that followed the game. Kerry had spent only four hours on the ground in Athens, yet somehow---to the surprise of everyone---ended up winning three Olympic medals, a silver and two bronze.

When asked about how he won them, he refused to talk about the story with the press--- though second-hand reports indicated he got the silver in Rowing, and the two bronze medals were allegedly for the Javelin and an obscure equestrian event.

Within hours, some 260 Olympic athletes from more than 40 countries --calling themselves Olympic Athletes for Truth (OAT)--signed their names to a document protesting Kerry’s medals. The document stated that none of the Kerry medals was legitimately earned. 85 of the athletes went further, signing affidavits indicating they had had Kerry in visual contact during his entire four-hour tour of the Olympic site and that he had never even participated in any of the events in which he claimed to have won medals.

However, the next day a group of seven Olympians from France and Germany emerged. Flanked by syndicated columnist Maureen Dowd and TV Talk Show host Chris Matthews, the “FG7” held a press conference and announced that they knew that Kerry had indeed won three medals because they had competed alongside Kerry in each of the events in question. Not only did he win them legitimately they said, but he had done so with extraordinary courage. One of the French competitors told a moving story about havingbeen “pulled from the water” after falling from his scull just after the finish. “Kerry came back for me,” he said in broken English, “and he didn’t have to, he risked his life---I can’t swim you know, even though I am in crew.”

This story was disputed by a British crew member (and OAT signatory) however, “The Frenchman had to have been disoriented, besides the Frogs finished 27th in that event and were over five minutes behind any of the medal crews, anyone winning a silver or bronze medal would have never even seen the Frenchman.”

Read the rest here

This is funny

Check this one out.