DESKTOPS
ARE A PAMPERED LOT WITH AT LEAST ONE INTERNAL FAN - SOMETIMES TWO
OR THREE. BUT PORTABLES ARE LEFT TO BEAT THE HEAT ON THEIR OWN. SINCE
A FAN JUST WON'T FIT IN THE CASE, DR. PORTABLE HAS RESEARCHED THIS
OVER-HEATING PROBLEM AND HAS FOUND SOME INGENIOUS AND INEXPENSIVE
SOLUTIONS:
1- EMPTY THE REFRIGERATOR [EAT YOUR WAY THRU IT - WASTE NOT,
WANT NOT] AND PUT IN YOUR MACHINE. REMOVE SHELVING AND CRAWL IN.
NOTE: TAKE A FLASHLIGHT WITH YOU - YES, THE LIGHT GOES
OUT WHEN YOU CLOSE THE DOOR. FOR ACUTE OVER-HEATING, SUBSTITUTE THE
FREEZER INSTEAD. DRESS WARM.
2- A CAN OF FREON SPRAY WILL DRAMATICALLY REDUCE THE
TEMPERATURE OF A FEVERISH LAPTOP. UNFORTUNATELY "CERTAIN"
DESKTOP PACS HAVE LOBBIED [READ BRIBED] THE EPA TO FORBID THE
POSSESSION OF THIS CHEMICAL BY MERE MORTALS. SO IF YOU GOT SOME,
DON'T USE IT WITHIN PUBLIC VIEW. [THERE IS A THRIVING BLACK-
MARKET IN THIS COMMODITY BOTH IN SPRAY CANS AND CYLINDERS.
SYPHONING EXISTING FREON FROM MOTOR VEHICLE AIR CONDITIONING
SYSTEMS AND FREEZERS IS THE PREFERRED METHOD OF OBTAINING THIS
PRECIOUS RESOURCE.]
3- A LITTLE ANTI-FREEZE (AKA ETHYLENE GLYCOL) CAN
GUARD AGAINST THE EFFECTS OF EXTREME HEAT AND COLD. THIS COLOURFUL CHARTREUSE LIQUID [NOT FOR MAMMALIAN CONSUMPTION] IS A YEAR-ROUND
PROTECTORANT. RECOMMENDED DOSAGE: ONE OUNCE FOR EVERY 8MB's OF
RAM; DRAIN SYSTEM EVERY 3 MONTHS. PREFERRED METHOD OF ADMINISTRATION:
TRACKBALL/TOUCHPAD WELL OR BATTERY COMPARTMENT.
CORONARY OR JUST HEART-BURN?
EVERY COMPETENT COMPUTER
PHYSICIAN KNOWS THE OLD MED SCHOOL ADAGE:
"TREAT HARDWARE WITH CARE OF SOFTWARE BEWARE"
HARWARE PROBLEMS
USUALLY HAVE A STRAIGHT-FORWARD SOLUTION: REPAIR OR REPLACE THE
BAD PART. RESOLVING SOFTWARE PROBLEMS SUCCESSFULLY REQUIRES AN
UNDERSTANDING OF ITS HIDDEN AGENDA; SOFTWARE IS THE CLASSIC EXAMPLE
OF
THE PETER PRINCIPLE IN ACTION. SOFTWARE IS POWER-CRAZED - CONSTANTLY FIGHTING FOR CONTROL OF THE HARDWARE AND THE USER. WITHOUT COMPUNCTION
IT WILL BASH, TRASH AND CRASH YOUR SYSTEM UNTIL IT BECOMES
DOMINANT. A CONTINUOUS BATTLE RAGES AMONG THE BIOS, OS AND APP BYTES. JUST
WITNESS SOFTWARE'S CONSTANT DESIRE FOR UPGRADES AND PATCHES:
MORE SIZE = MORE POWER.
[DID YOU KNOW THAT SOFTWARE IS THE PREDOMINANT SPAWNER OF COMPUTER
VIRUSES? VIRUSES THAT ARE OUT TO DESTROY OTHER SOFTWARE!]
SOLVING SOFTWARE PROBLEMS IS NOT A STRICT SCIENCE - IT IS
AN ART. TRY THESE REMEDIES:
1- RESIST
UPGRADES AND PATCHES WHICH SUBSTANIALLY INCREASE THE SIZE OF THE
EXISTING SOFTWARE.
2- WHERE POSSIBLE MOVE SOFTWARE TO A PORTABLE
DISK WHERE ITS AVAILABILITY IS UNDER THE USER'S CONTROL.
3- BANISH
ALL SHORTCUTS IN THE START MENU, ON THE DESKTOP AND IN THE TASKBAR.
4- PARE DOWN THE SOFTWARE TO A BARE MINIMUM - ZIP UP AND SEND
OFF UNNEEDED FILES AND FEATURES.
5- DISASSOCIATE FILE EXTENSIONS WHICH THE SOFTWARE
HAS USURPED.
6- FIND SUBSTITUTE SOFTWARE WHICH REPLACES THE FUNCTIONS OF
THE "PROBLEM" SOFTWARE.
7- FOR INCORRIGIBLE CASES, DELETE THE OFFENDER.
THE PRACTICE OF COMPUTER
MEDICINE HAS EXPANDED TO INCLUDE "ALTERNATIVE" METHODOLOGIES.
NO LONGER ENTRENCHED IN TRADITIONAL WESTERN MEDICINE, THERE
ARE VIABLE TREATMENTS USING ACUPUNCTURE, HERBS AND HOMEOPATHIC
REMEDIES.
AS DISCUSSED ABOVE, SOFTWARE PATHOGENS ARE ROOTED IN ITS
FANATIC THIRST FOR POWER - MEGALOMANIA. HENCE ANY SUCCESSFUL TREATMENT
REQUIRES AN ATTACK ON THIS NATIVE BEHAVIOUR. DR. PORTABLE HAS EXPERIMENTED
WITH SEVERAL ALTERNATIVE REMEDIES AND HAS FOUND THE FOLLOWING TO BE
THE MOST EFFICACIOUS:
1- THE OLFACTORY CURE: ALTHOUGH CURRENTLY NOT EXPLOITED, BYTES
HAVE A SENSE OF SMELL. NATURAL FOOD PRODUCTS SUCH AS GARLIC AND
ROTTEN EGGS, WHEN APPLIED TO OUT-OF-CONTROL SOFTWARE, WILL ISOLATE
THEIR BYTES. OTHER SOFTWARE WILL JUST NOT ASSOCIATE WITH THEM. THIS
EFFECTIVELY PROHIBITS OFFENSIVE SOFTWARE FROM ENGAGING IN PREDATORY
ACTIVITIES.
2- HYDROTHERAPY: "TAKING THE WATERS" HAS BEEN A TIME PROVEN
THERAPY - WHEN APPLIED TO A COMPACT, FLOPPY, OR PORTABLE DISK IN WHICH THE SOFTWARE DWELLS, AGGRESSIVE TENDENCIES ARE EFFECTIVELY CURBED. ADDING SALT [THE BRINE CURE] OR VINEGAR [THE PICKLING CURE] TO THE WATER BATH
ARE RECOMMENDED FOR PARTICULARLY VIRULENT STRAINS OF SOFTWARE.
3- ACUPUNCTURE: HEATED NEEDLES APPLIED TO THE PROPER REGIONS
OF THE SOFTWARE WILL DESTROY THOSE BYTES WHICH HAVE BEEN DISCOVERED
TO CONTAIN MEGALOMANIAC TENDENCIES. SOMEWHAT AKIN TO THE PRE-FRONTAL
LOBOTOMY, THE SOFTWARE WILL NOW EXHIBIT COMPLIANT BEHAVIOUR. BECAUSE
OF THE GRAPHIC NATURE OF THIS "OPERATION", IT IS NECESSARY TO CLICK
ON THE CENTER OF THE GRAPHIC TO THE LEFT IN ORDER TO SHIELD THE SQUIMISH.
TOO HOT TO TROT?
CORONARY OR JUST HEART-BURN?
