By Pete Fiutak    What's your beef? ... E-mail with your thoughts  

If this column sucks, it’s not my fault … the column has suffered an unavoidable lack of institutional control thanks to a few rogue boosters. Now they own me.

That’s why pencils have erasers … Yes, I said Oklahoma would beat USC. Yes, I said Oklahoma would come up with a great defensive performance and expose an allegedly overrated USC team. Yes, it was a bad pick and I didn’t take into account my own personal belief that there’s no stopping a Pete Carroll/Norm Chow coached team that has a month to prepare. Yes, I watched every game USC and Oklahoma played (some twice) and still didn't see this coming. Yes, I overfreaked out about USC's close calls against Virginia Tech, Stanford, Oregon State, California and UCLA. Yes, this is a marvelously talented team that deserves the national championship. Yes, USC was physical and the offensive line came through better than expected. However, I refuse to take any guff from any superfan who can't spell Leinart (e-mail count on that now up to 26). 

But maybe the Vandals would’ve kept it closer … All of a sudden Oklahoma, in the eyes of many, has become Idaho or UCF. This was a great, great team that USC destroyed.

Leinart, Boomaye, Leinart, Boomaye … Matt Leinart won a more important distinction on Tuesday night than being a two-time national champion quarterback. He now slides into the number 46 slot on the all-time list of athletes in their prime able to get the most amount of top-notch nooky. The guy is currently to Los Angeles what Derek Jeter, number 23 on the list, is to New York. Ali, of course, is the all-time number one. In a controversial ruling two weeks ago, Anna Kournikova moved up to number two passing Wilt Chamberlain, Secretariat, Joe Namath, Michael Jordan and Babe Ruth. (BTW, this is a fantastic road trip/barroom argument.) 

And I’ve also nominated myself as People’s Sexiest Man Alive … In the spirit of the Auburn Tiger 2004 season, I’m declaring myself the national champion of college football. There will be rings, a ceremony, a logo, a parade, and a 25-year reunion with myself to reminisce about this national title winning season. I'm more than happy to split with USC since I didn’t get my chance to play against the mighty Trojans. Maybe I’m not an actual football team and I didn’t get any votes in either poll, but I don’t care. I want to feel good about myself, so woo-hoo … I am the 2004 national champion. Go ahead and declare yourself a national champion too. It’ll make your day.

Now the screwing is on the other, um, foot ... Isn't it funny how USC has little to no empathy for Auburn? Weren't we supposed to hold candlelight vigils outside the Coliseum last year after the BCS debacle?

Because playing an extra college football game makes too much sense … Now that the AP has taken its poll and gone home, the BCS is about to get much goofier. Forming a committee of college football experts to decide the BCS teams would be a fantastic idea if it were put together by anyone other than the people who brought you the BCS in the first place. Three words instantly come to mind: Larry, Moe and Curly.

If this doesn’t work, maybe The Gap is hiring … I’d like to submit my formal application to Big 12 commissioner Kevin Weiberg to be on the upcoming committee to decide the BCS teams. My qualifications? I’m a national champion. 

Like saying Taco Bell is awesome because the grilled stuft burrito rules … No you Pac 10 fans, USC’s win still doesn’t mean the conference was all that great this season. Then again, find the conference this year that was all that and a side of guac.

Pac 10 – Conference of The Play … The Pac 10 might really be the Conference of Champions, as it says in its promo, but the voice over comes during a shot of John Elway when he was at Stanford. Elway not only didn’t win a championship, he never got to a bowl game.

Or show 20 minutes of the USC Song Girls jumping up and down … Along with trying to find anyone who thinks Saturday Night Live is even remotely funny anymore, I'm on a nationwide search for the person who actually enjoys the craptacular halftime shows put on in the Orange Bowl. I honestly can’t figure out what college football fan wants to see Kelly Clarkson or Ashlee Simpson. This isn’t the Super Bowl where you have parties with non-football fans watching..

Indication number two is being relegated to ESPN2 … Indication number one that you’re not playing in a big-time bowl game: The end zones don’t have the team’s names. Come on MPC Computer Bowl. Spend the $50 on paint and put Fresno State and Virginia in the end zones glossing over Boise State.

And I didn’t get any presents from them either … I spent more time this bowl season with the families of Louisville QB Stefan LeFors, Minnesota RB Marion Barber, Alabama DB Roman Harper and Troy DB Roland Harper, and Oklahoma State QB Donovan Woods and WR D’Juan Woods than I did my own. ESPN, it’s O.K. not to show the families of the players after every stinking play. BTW, it was inexcusable to cut to the Woods family for reaction after Donovan took a big hit against Ohio State and was on the ground injured.

Like Wheel of Fortune automatically giving the R, S, T, L, N & E … there should be an automatic graphic up on the screen when a player is down that says, “we hope he just got the wind knocked out of him” so that every announcer can better spend his time on witty banter.

Of course, Fox doesn’t like to use graphics on the screen …  This was a horrendous bowl season for ABC. From the unreadable graphics (the ESPN scoreboard in the corner is still the easiest to read and least obtrusive) to the lousy analysts (although Dan Fouts wasn’t bad in the Rose Bowl) to the poor all-around camerawork, ABC struggled in a big way. On the flip side, ESPN did a fantastic job from beginning to end.

Part of it was due to all the time spent interviewing for other jobs … I sincerely hope the rational, smart thinking segment of the college football world was as mad as I was before the Orange Bowl when former LSU head coach Nick Saban was being interviewed by one of ABC’s sideline reporters and was asked who he thought would win between Oklahoma and USC. Saban responded that he didn’t know because he hadn’t seen the two teams play all that much. Saban allegedly had a vote in the ESPN/USA Today Coaches Poll, but he didn’t have an opinion on freakin’ USC and Oklahoma? How could he possibly have a rational thought on Utah, Boise State or anyone else?

Dear Devery Henderson and all the LSU, players, coaches, fans and anyone who took part in the Bluegrass Miracle … Ha, ha, ha.  Love, Kentucky.

Because Weis was busy watching a Seinfeld rerun when he was interrupted … Phone interviews during games with coaches are always bizarre, but ESPN’s Ron Franklin made the interview with Notre Dame's Charlie Weis even more goofy. Of course the new head man of the Irish was watching his new team on TV play Oregon State in the Insight Bowl, but for some reason Franklin repeatedly thanked Weis for staying up late to do the interview. After it was done, Franklin again commented on how it was nice of Weis to come on considering it was 11:30 p.m. on the East Coast. Did anyone show any concern for the rest of us who had to sit through that entire game?

Next up, in the ad battle, the Enzyte Man ads vs. all truck ads … Three times during the bowl season an advertisement for the cholesterol-lowering pill Crestor with the oddly big-nosed Katie was immediately followed up by an ad for Pizza Hut’s National Pizza Sale. Count me in desperate need of both.

C.O.W. shameless gimmick item … The weekly five Overrated/Underrated aspects of the world
1) Overrated: Sitting through every bowl game  … Underrated: Watching at least ten minutes of every showing of A Christmas Story during the TBS Christmas Day marathon 
2) Overrated: The Apprentice's Jennifer and Sandy in their boardroom verbal catfight … Underrated: Bill Curry and David Norrie during the New Orleans Bowl discussing a possible playoff system
3) Overrated: The ABC top announcing teams other than Brent and Gary ... Underrated: Mike Tirico & Kirk Herbstreit
4) Overrated: Parties without Bobby Petrino ... Underrated: Parties with Bobby Petrino
5) Overrated: Kelly Clarkson with the microphone working ... Underrated: Kelly Clarkson with the microphone not working

And finally … sorry this column sucked, it’s not my fault. Like Utah fans at the Fiesta Bowl, I tried to storm the field after this column was over but got nailed by 50,000-volt tasers by policemen trying to keep me out.