Wrestling and politics are more similar than you think. Watch
a wrestler cutting a promo on the mic and then watch a politician
give a speech. What you'll hear is pretty much identical:
a whole lot of nothing designed to hype something and presented
solely to get a loud response out of the crowd. Who are the
best politicians? The ones who know how to work the mic. Who
are the best wrestlers? The ones who know how to work the
mic. Coincidence? Not likely.
America has toyed with the notion of mixing wrestling and
politics together, as seen with Jesse Ventura's tenure as
governor of Minnesota, but it hasn't quite caught on yet.
Japan, on the hand, has fully embraced this idea.
Japanese wrestler The Great Sasuke was recently elected to
the state assembly of Iwate Prefecture in northern Japan.
Sasuke is the owner of the wrestling promotion Michinoku Pro
and is an active wrestler as well. But that's not the problem
some people have with his election. The minor squabble is
about Sasuke continuing to wear his mask while serving as
an assembly member. This is the clearest sign that Japan is
without a doubt the most awesome place on Earth. No one has
a problem with electing a wrestler; they just have a problem
with the wrestler keeping on his mask.
Sasuke is quoted in the Sports Nippon newspaper saying, "If
I take it off, it will go against my platform." He also
told reporters that he's keeping on the mask because that's
how the voters know him. That's actually pretty reasonable.
No one knows what masked wrestlers look like under their masks
and no one cares either. More politicians should wear masks.
I wouldn't be able to pick most of our U.S. Senators out of
a line-up, and I wouldn't know what a member of the House
of Representative looked like even if they were sitting on
my face and screaming their name over and over. But I know
I'd remember who the junior senator from Michigan was if he
was wearing a sequined lizard mask. And I'd probably watch
C-SPAN if I knew at any time someone in the House could hit
a Shooting Star Press while wearing a leopard print cape.
Hell, if Al Gore, George Bush or Ralph Nader had campaigned
during the 2000 Election while wearing Mexican luchadore masks,
I might have actually gone out and voted.
The main problem some Japanese politicians have with Sasuke
wearing his mask is that they believe that "it is important
for the electorate to able to read expressions of approval
or distress as decisions are made," according to Governor
Hiroya Masuda. So they came up with a compromise. Sasuke's
mask now shows more of his mouth area so people can properly
gauge his reactions, as well as sporting the emblem of the
Iwate Prefecture on the side. It's good to see this dispute
resolved peacefully without resorting to a duel of giant robots,
anime tentacle rape, or Pokemon, which I suspect are how most
disputes in Japan are settled.
Not surprisingly, Sasuke is not the first wrestler to be
elected to office in Japan. Legendary Japanese wrestler Antonio
Inoki made it to the National Parliament in 1989. He ran on
the Sports and Peace Party ticket, which shows how cool Japanese
politics are. Japan has over seven major political parties
and probably tens of smaller ones like the Sports and Peace
Party, making their elections much better than America's.
We only have two major parties in America and they both stink.
Perhaps one day Vince McMahon will bring an Independent third-party
to power in the White House, seeing as people in the sports
entertainment industry are the only viable third-party candidates
If the Japanese continue their dominance in politics, technology,
and perverted cartoons, the U.S. may no choice but to launch
a pre-emptive strike against Japan to prevent them from being
more awesome than God himself.
to DATELINE 141