Lianne tells Veronica that twelve weeks in rehab aren't going to do anything that she can't do herself. I think they can do a lot of things you seem to be unable to do yourself. Your hair and makeup come to mind. - Couch Baron on Veronica Mars
I Am Not An Animal! America's Next Top Model - As the girls learn all about the transformative powers of makeup, Michelle breaks out with a strange skin condition that makes her look even more like a monster than she normally does. The rest of the girls call their parents, who prove that brainpower is genetic by inciting a flesh-eating bacteria scare in the house.
Hangin' with Mr. Cooper Lost - If, out of the blue, you are reunited with your long-lost birth parents, one of whom just happens to need a kidney, do you a) say, "Good luck with that, stranger" or b) offer up your kidney to the guy who ditched your mom and you years before, during his healthy-kidney years? If you answered b), you are Locke, and you have endangered the Robin to your Batman by chasing after visions and signs in an effort to get that hatch open. And who knows, maybe it wasn't in vain. But is it worth Boone's life, Locke? Is it? Wait, sure it is. It's Boone. But if this hatch twist doesn't pay off in the next episode, then I'm never watching again, at least until the next episode. After all, I get paid to do it. The rest of you lot, I don't know why you punish yourselves.
Are you salving your wounds at Enterprise's cancellation by remembering the show's first two seasons?
How does the Veronica Mars HoYay compare to HoYay on other shows (not including Smallville)?
How low would you say the odds are that Behrooz Araz will survive this season of 24?
After that bad-ass season finale, are you waiting with bated breath for Sci-Fi to schedule the premiere of Battlestar Galactica's Season 2?
Have you heard any spoilers about the way this season of The West Wing will end?
Hey, did you hear that Ron from The Amazing Race was a POW in Iraq? (He keeps it so quiet!)
T Minus One The West Wing - It's disaster in space and on the ground. The International Space Station has sprung a leak, and the only chance of a rescue lies with a top-secret military space vehicle. It's human life versus national security, and we know how that usually turns out. On the ground, the Republicans are pounding on the Bartlet legacy while the Democrats continue to feud. Leo tries to pull things together, but it looks like the Democratic convention will be utter chaos. We can't wait.
Marshall is MacGyver Alias - Sydney gets buried alive and Hong Kong is about to be covered in nerve gas. Marshall, assisted by antique radio parts and a spork, saves the day.
Take Away The Hope Rescue Me - Classic - Tommy blames Janet because Colleen is getting out of control, and then he blames her some more when Colleen gets into a car accident and is in critical condition. Newbie might have a threesome, and Chief might have an early retirement. And Franco definitely has a daughter that he never knew about.
Putting an end to the tyranny of creeps The Amazing Race - This week sees the welcome exit of one of the biggest blowhard jerks in race history, at the same moment that one of the season's most likable teams is spared. No, really! I know it seems like a lot to expect, but it's true. Also: shopping!
Mascot-Ball Veronica Mars - When Neptune's mascot is stolen, Veronica's enlisted to help solve the case before the big basketball game. After finding social acceptance at Neptune's polar opposite, she does. We learn a lot of information from Lianne that ultimately means nothing. Out of the mouths of drunks. Jake and Celeste Kane look evil, but that might be the strobe-y light. And Veronica turns the tables on Clarence Wiedman. So much happened this episode, we can't even keep track. And yet, we'll soldier on, but only because it's only SIX MORE EPISODES UNTIL THE KILLER IS REVEALED.
Let Dinners Be Dinners American Idol - Yet another contestant is smacked right out of Carrie's country niche as Jessica, like Lindsey before her, forges ahead with the most boring song imaginable instead of doing what she's good at, while -- because you're never just watching the show, but also the outlying circus -- outrage reigns as the scandals accrete: in addition to this most unfortunate ouster, two contestants are variously outed, while another loses any affection we ever had for his fugly self, when his rap sheet is revealed to be as exactly long as he himself is stumpy and gross. All in all, your yuckiest and most confusing episode yet.
Spring Break Awesome Attack Mondo Extras - Lindsay from The O.C. goes on SPRING BREAK, where she is attacked by sharks and date rapists, but finds the strength and courage from within to defeat them both, all the while finding true love and managing to keep her skirt on at all times. Yeah, like we weren't going to recap this?
Pay No Attention to the Man Stealing the Fighter Plane 24 - Instead, spend an hour trying to figure out why the bad guy wants to give you back your best agent in exchange for some useless kid. That's what CTU does, because that's what ImhoTerror set them up to do. How did he know that the good guys would waste so much time bickering with each other? Someone must have told him that Potato Face is back on the job.
A Gleet Is Neither Neat Nor Discreet Deadwood - Dear gracious Lord in Heaven: Thank you for medical advances like lasers and stuff which no longer make it necessary to, uh, put instruments up inside people in get out their gleets. Al is free, finally free, of his painful affliction, while the rest of the camp swirls around him. Wolcott's rumor mill is going strong, and everybody's buying it but Mrs. Garret.
Okie Coma? Okay! Carnivale - Although Ben seems a well-meaning fellow, this show is like The King in Yellow. The corn is as high as a hierophant's eye, and it looks like the Usher is going to die. But you don't need to start mourning; Justin will wind up okay. Sofie will rush out and heal him, leaving Jonesy to decay.
If It's Yellow, Let It Mellow Desperate Housewives - When their pipes start regurgitating their redolent contents, Gabrielle steals a Port-A-Potty and uses the Jacuzzi for her delicates. Lynette finds more reasons to hate other mothers during a lice outbreak at Our Lady of Perpetual Wealth. Susan is bodily yanked out of her depression over her breakup with Mike by Edie and a bar, which ends with their breaking into Paul's house and snooping. Nothing like girls' night out! Maisy is arrested for prostitution, and KimberBree visits her in prison, plying her with baked goods in the hopes of keeping Rex's name out of the ensuing scandal.
The Juice Is Loose "For every fan who came to the game because the All-Star Game home-run derby is better now, you've got another who's turned off by the fact that you don't know what the stats are telling you."