Games You Should Never Buy
written by Shane Satterfield on Tuesday, March 23, 2004
These games reek so badly we couldn't rate them.
Tonight on "X-Play" we save you cash by pointing out what's truly deplorable and intolerable in the world of videogames.
'Barbie Horse Adventures: Wild Horse Rescue (PS2)
Most would likely pass this one up based on its title alone, but we're here to warn the little girls out there who might be ensnared by its barn-infested charms.
You play as Barbie, who goes on a summer vacation to a horse ranch with her politically correct pals. As luck would have it, the horses escape the very day Barbie shows up. Barbie must rescue them, because Barbie just loves horses!
As you might expect, you can play dress up with Barbie. You can change her outfits and accessories. You can even change the horse's tail for whatever reason.
During your trials you'll come across dangerous creatures like porcupines and skunks. Scary! Watch out for those squirt-happy skunks. Barbie's friendship meter takes a dip if skunk juice hits her horse.
The rest of the game consists of Barbie collecting coins, opening chests, and using her cellphone in the woods. Boring.
It's no wonder most girls don't like videogames, with drek like this being pushed on them at such an early age.
'Monster Garage: The Game' (PC)
Straight from the bad-idea file comes "Monster Garage." If you watch any amount of television, your chances of avoiding Jesse James, the gearhead behind the show, aren't good.
The game takes challenges from the show and asks you to complete them. That gameplay means you transform vehicles into crazy contraptions.
As popular as the show is, this game isn't going to make any new fans. You begin by buying parts. Everyone knows how men love to shop.
Once you have the parts, you can enlist the services of all-star wrench monkeys to do some of the dirty work. But it turns out you have to do most of the work yourself.
Who needs Ninja Gaiden
when you can unscrew bolts in this game? Things get really interesting when you're asked to remove body panels. And the excitement becomes uncontrollable when you get to weld! You know we're kidding, right?
Sorry "Monster Garage," the only people who might be interested in this game work on real cars.
'Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing' (PC)
This is hands-down, the worst videogame to ever see the light of day. Really.
It's supposed to be a racing game, but you don't really race anyone. Your competitor appears at the starting gate, but he's not going anywhere. He just stays put. Talk about an easy win.
Objects in the way? No worries. You can drive right through them. And don't bother crossing a bridge. You'll fall right through it. Fun!
Tired of following the beaten path? Why not leave the game world altogether? You can drive off -- not into the blazing sunset -- but into a blank, white space. Good thing you can get back.
The box says to get ready for CB talkin', convoy rollin', action. But there's no CB, or any sound for that matter. And the last time we checked, one rig does not equal a convoy.
There you have it. Games so bad we couldn't review them because our rating scale doesn't have a zero. Don't say we didn't warn you.
"Barbie Horse Adventures: Wild Horse Rescue" (PS2)
"Monster Garage" (PC)
"Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing" (PC)
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