April 9, 2005
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SCIENTIST FINDS WOMEN'S ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS GENE
TREE HUGGER FRIED ALIVE WHEN LIGHTNING STRIKES BIG OAK!
DWARF SLAYS BIGFOOT!
SCHOOLS ORDER TEACHERS TO DRESS SEXY!


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DWARF SLAYS BIGFOOT!
It's David and Goliath all over again!

By Michael Chiron

In what astounded forest rangers are calling a "modern-day version of David versus Goliath," a 36-inch-tall dwarf killed a towering 9- foot-tall Bigfoot as it chased a half-naked blonde hiker through his campsite in Yellowstone National Park!

Pint-sized Pete Yarosky proved he has a heart as big a lion's when he brought down the rampaging man-beast -- armed only with a handful of small stones and the screaming woman's thong underwear, which the quick-thinking shrimp converted into a makeshift sling.

"Mr. Yarosky struck the creature near the right temple where the skull is thinnest, knocking it cold -- then he chopped it's head off with an ax." confirms an Interior Department investigator.

"He showed remarkable courage and resourcefulness in a situation that would have made most of us 'normal' men freeze in terror.

"He's one brave little guy."

The terrifying encounter occurred Feb. 13 as Yarosky, 38, camped with three buddies in the northwest part of the park.

"I really wanted to show my friends I could handle myself outdoors," the Lincoln, Neb.- based Ferris wheel inspector recalls. "But, instead, I ended up slowing down the group -- one pal actually had to give me a piggyback ride part of the way."

Shortly after daybreak, at a campsite less than 150 yards away, hiker April Holderman was doing her morning toe touches, clad in her undies.

"Suddenly I got this creepy feeling I was being watched, " the attractive 23-year-old recalls. "Then this giant apeman jumped down from a tree branch, leering. I bolted, screaming my head off."

When April ran into the clearing where Yarosky was camped, with the enormous Sasquatch at her heels, his chums fled in panic. But the gutsy dwarf held his ground.

"I told April to stand behind me and I kept yelling at the Bigfoot, 'Go away,' " the half-pint hero says. "But I knew he could squash me like a bug."

Desperate for a weapon, Yarosky picked up a fistful of stones and prayed for a miracle.

Suddenly, the image of David slaying Goliath came into his mind.

"Out of left field, this little dwarf guy asks for my thong," April recalls. "There was no time to argue, so I yanked it off.

"As the Bigfoot bore down on us, Pete put a stone in his 'sling.' He started swinging it overhead -- then he let it rip.

"The rock beaned the Bigfoot and the thing keeled over."

The Bigfoot's carcass has been carted away to an undisclosed research facility and tight-lipped wildlife officials refuse to confirm the incident on record.

Conservationists object to Yarosky -- who's now dating grateful April -- being hailed as a hero for slaying an ultra-rare Bigfoot.

But zoologist Thomas Smith points out: "Bigfoot sex assaults on humans are up 62 percent. Mr. Yarosky undoubtedly saved this woman from an unspeakable fate."

Published on: 04/06/2005

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