Cooper for President
CFP Guide to Protesters

Hi there. I'm Professor John Dingleberry, and I've been hired by the Cooper for President team to give you the full scoop on all of the wonderful protesters who will be in New York this week. As you're probably aware by now, the Democrats in this country actually WANT as many anarchists, nihilists, and violent street thugs as possible to attend. Why? Simple: It makes them look good by comparison. It's called "plausible deniability." This way, the Democrats let groups such as Black Bloc smash windows, attack police, and plant phony bombs in the subway, then Terry McAuliffe gets to feign shock at the violence and condemn it. This ensures that the mainstream Democrats (you know, the ones who merely burn American flags and say that America "deserved" 9/11) receive nothing but positive press coverage. Great scam, isn't it?
 
Anyhoo, I've been hired to explain to you, the general public, the differences between the various protest groups. To the untrained eye, they all pretty much look (and smell) like violent street garbage. But a closer look reveals some minor distinctions. As a Sociologist, Anthropologist, and Scientologist, I am perfectly qualified to bring this information to you. Here are the types:
 

Name: Union Goon
Description: This guy works for some local pipefitter's union, and his foreman told him to come. He's really pretty harmless and is only there to put a semi-normal face on the crowd of traitors.
How to Incapacitate: No need. Just tell him some "foreigner" is going to take his job, and he will immediately proceed to Chinatown to kick some serious ass.

Name: Nature Boy
Description: Although this guy brags about his vegan ways (and would never eat genetically-modified foods) he smokes, drinks, shoots heroin, and joins rowdy protest groups like ALF and ELF.
How to Incapacitate: Boot to the Skull

Name: Lonely Hag
Description: This woman lives alone (except for her 300 cats). She's a Sandalista whose time has passed, and she spends her days teaching at an "alternative" school ("alternative" being code for indoctrinating semi-retarded children with Karl Marx and Chomsky).
How to Incapacitate: Release the Hounds

Name: Feminized Dad
Description: This clown thought bringing his kid to a protest (that he knew would turn violent) was a good idea. He's actually hoping to sue the NYPD if his kid is injured when they "TCB." Scott Peterson has a better shot at "father of the year" than this guy. And if you click on the picture, you'll see that his sign says "Impeach President Moron," although he fucked up the peace sign he drew on his daughter's poster!
How to Incapacitate: Choke Hold

Click for larger image

Butterfly Peyton Horseface
Name: Trustafarian
Description: Typical upper-middle class college student, just floating through life and managing the trust fund from daddy. Wouldn't know real work if it danced naked on a table with a sign that said "real work." Also has "white guilt."
How to Incapacitate: Mace

Name: Useful Idiot
Description: This guy is nothing more than a pawn for Marxist governments around the world (and he doesn't even know it). He is convinced he's an "intellectual," and hates Jews (because they created AIDS and put that secret ingredient in Popeye's fried chicken that causes sterility in black men).
How to Incapacitate: Kick to the Groin

Click for larger (louder) photo

Name: The Noisemaker
Description: To some people, anti-war protests are nothing more than a big party. These idiots are basically overgrown children throwing a temper tantrum. I won't attempt to explain the psychological reasons (let's just say that they have serious mommy issues and leave it at that). Groups such as the "No War Drum Corps" and the whistle-blowing idiots fall into this category.
How to Incapacitate: Trample with Horse

(C) 2004, Cooper for President