Your Real Computing Life aol30A\download\life
Your Real Computing Life-Either turn the graphics on or get a decent computer
 REVEALS
The True Meaning of Life
LEAP INTOa computer screen . AND
All You'll Ever Need To Know
So you think Computer Geeks/Nerds have no life? WRONG AGAIN
LIFE IS A computerTHE REST IS trashcan
Within this page is revealed all of life's secrets gathered from all corners of the universe.
A few people who know some of these secrets
have profited handsomely
from them. Take them
to heart and head and
ANONYMOUS AND RICH you too can attain
fame and fortune.
Here is a picture of
just one of our grateful readers
[who prefers to remain anonymous].
Let's get started with an over-riding principal: If you know what something really means then you know everything about it. The basic item to start with is the COMPUTER and its real definitionContinuous Outlays Might Possibly Utilize Terribly Engineered Rubbish
In other words the more you spend the greater the probability that your computer will work effectively. At some point, when you devote your entire discretionary income and all your accumulated savings into the machine, that machine just may function.
Slot Machine-don't play this one,It's a Money Grabber AN ANALOGY slot machine-Play this one it's gonna payoff soon
A Computer is just a high-tech slot machine. Keep it well fed with money and someday it may just pay-off.There are two basic types of these machines for home use:
1- APPLE/MACINTOSH A Proud Producer Loses Empire Once a glorious empire now fallen from grace.
2- PC [Personal Computer] consisting of over-priced, soon-to-be obsolete parts principally configured to the dictates of MICROSOFT Maximize Income Crush Rivals Operate Secretly Offer Free Trash
There are other types of machines, but don't bother with them - nobody else does.
The other part of this analogy is YOU - the USER Unsuspecting Sucker Expecting Results


THE BETA JUMP Go from frying pan into the fire
Now as a bonafide USER, you got to have software - tons of it, especially if you want to be player on the web. To get all the latest programs out there, you must learn the latest dance craze that is sweeping the web. Not to worry, you probably already know the basic steps. The dance is called the BETA JUMP and this is all you need to do:
1. Go to Microsoft's home page and grab a copy of the Latest version of Internet Explorer. [You may well have to go to another site for this program - Microsoft has a little trouble staying on the air.]
2. Go to Netscape's home page and grab a copy of the Latest version of Netscape's browser
3. Hop all around to a few more sites and grab the Latest stuff they got to offer
4- Did you say you already got some of this stuff? Hey, that was Last week's version. Ya gotta keep up.
5- Now the fun begins - Install all these programs and give them a whirl.
6- Hey! Did you get a few glitches, freezes, and crashes? Not to worry - send in a Bug Report 
7- The Good News! You just got a great new job testing software.
8- The Bad News! Don't expect to get paid, and if your system gets totally trashed - too bad. At least you'll get rid of all those buggy Beta not-ready-for-prime-time programs.

Now that you have survived the BETA JUMP, it's time to declare your undaunted spirit and take THE WEB PLEDGE:
THE WEB PLEDGE
Bloody But UnbowedWE'VE BEEN WHACKED, CRACKED AND HACKED.
WE'VE BEEN CRASHED, SMASHED AND TRASHED.
WE'VE BEEN FLAMMED, MAIMED AND DE-FAMED.
WE'VE BEEN JAMMED, SPAMMED AND DAMNED.
BUT ONWARD WE WILL GO
NOT IN FEAR OF ANY FOE.
WE WILL DOWNLOAD AS WE PLEASE
AT A VIRUS WE JUST SNEEZE.
THOUGH EVERY EVIL GEEK
WILL TRY TO TAKE A PEEK
WE WILL BROWSE AT ANY SIGHT
OUR HEARTS SHALL NOT KNOW FRIGHT.
BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE SNATCH
ANOTHER PROGRAM PATCH.
THE HACKERS ARE MORTIFIED
SINCE OUR BROWSER'S FORTIFIED
Beta Software bugs ready to attack your computer SOFTWARE - IT'S ALL BETA
Once upon a time software was software. You bought it and installed it or it came pre-installed in your computer. You filed away the back-ups and used the program without incident. Well those days are long gone. Many companies don't bother testing their programs anymore - it's too expensive and time consuming. They let you do it. So just what are they manufacturing that is called "software"? All sorts of stuff, Here's a baker's dozen of some of the more popular types:
(De)generations of Software
TYPE
WHAT IT DOES
1- Shareware
Begs For Cash
2- Nagware
Never Shuts Up 
3- Expireware
Commits Suicide
4- Grabware
Usurps File Extensions
5- Piggyware
Hogs Disk Space
6- Dribbleware
Hatches New Versions Weekly
7- Patchware
Repairs Previous Repairs
8- Copycatware
Repackages Existing Programs
9- Corruptware
Slays System Files
10- Dumbware
Doesn't Do Anything
11- Neverware
Won't Even Open 
12- Crashware
Crashes Entire System
13- Reduntantware {AKA Billygateware}
Software You Already Have [It's So good You'll Want TO Buy Two]


just a line separating subjects

COMPUTER CALAMITIES

same line separator as above-just used it again

WILL THE NEXT VIRUS EXPIRE US?

ODE TO A VIRUS

A Trogan Horse is on the loose
Don't get caught in his deadly noose
Your password he's got
And havoc is wrought
He'll grab your screen names
And play naughty web games
Beware cute gifts borne by a geek
This stuff will make a computer stink
. Just remember what your parents said
Candy from a stranger will make you dead.

Star=rats spelled backward T H E Star=scrambled arts D I S C L A I M E R Star=tsar in hiding

AKA The Ultimate Cop-Out

THE DISCLAIMER - Please read this 10,000 word document in its entirety before accepting the use of this software.[Legal assitance may be required.] The makers/distributors take absolutely no responsibility for the contents, use or consequences of using this software. Furthermore we will not provide any technical or customer support for any problems you might encounter. [A FAQ file is available via telephone at our 900 number. {Offshore connection billed at the rate of $3.95 per minute; average hold time varies from 60 to 90 minutes} Third-party technical support is available thru "Don't Expect Much,Inc". at their 900 number {same phone rates apply} at the rate of $45/hour {3 hour minimum} or $150 per incident whichever is greater.Note: Yelling at support personnel will result in an additional charge of $100 per decibel in excess of normal hearing levels. By popular request, we have just added a new "TERMINAL HELP" feature: If after exhausting all other remedies and your system still fails to respond, please contact "Wildcat Disposal Systems, Inc." (EPA license revoked). They will schedule a home/ office visit between the hours of 2:00am and 4:00am and remove (for a nominal fee) all computer hardware and software on the premises. For an additional fee, they will re-create a burglary scene on the premises and assist you in filing police reports and insurance claims for stolen property. Warning: Be sure your insurance premiums have been paid and that the value of your hardware/software has been outrageously over-stated. Also be aware that "Wildcat's" employees are not bondable - hide all other valuables on the premises!] We would have a lot more to say about our product, but our typist just quit for non-payment of wages. Anyway, it was just a lot more stuff about how we are not liable for anything we do and if you have any trouble with our product it's probably all your fault and you got what you deserved. Now please make your choice below:
SOCK IT TO ME!
Don't want your junk [This selection will hose your system forever.]

Help! Stuck in DOS with no Exit to Windows

EPA Alert- Watch what you step in
Extreme Pollution Ahead

If you have a Web-Site, then you are a Web-Master. WOW! That sure sounds important. Of course, your Web-Site is a gem, so you have earned that title. But there are some sites that are in no danger of winning a Pulitzer Prize:

Category
Main Feature
1- The Family Album
Photo of Mom,Dad and Baby
2- The Zoo
Photo of Family Pet
3- Art Theft
Page full of Missing Pictures
4- The Missing Link
Links go Nowhere
5- Lotsa Links
Just Links
6- Investigative Reports
Small Town Gossip
7- Under Construction
Ditch Digger Picture
8- Star Trek Page
One of 7 million
9- The Ego Trip
Flattering Autobiography
10- The Cookie Monster
Six Cookies Just To Get In
11- Sominex AD
Fell Asleep before it Opens
12- The Triple XXX Site
Your ISP Won't Let You See It


Now that you have survived the perils of cranky software, the obsolescence of your equipment, viral infections, hacking misadventures and boring web- pages, it's time to learn a new language. You'll get an introductory lesson in Computerese and Acronyms. Not to worry - this stuff is almost English. Just click here.



HEY, hold on a minute! Did you know that the pixs here are mapped? Well, BIG DEAL you say. Yeah, but did you read the hidden [and sometimes clever] messages behind the pixs? Just put your cursor on the pixs and all will be revealed.