Spain

From Uncyclopedia

“Torero, paella, Macarena, gazpacho, olé!”

Oscar Wilde on Spain

Spain (from the Latin term for Ass Pain) is a small, mountainous country in southern Yurp ruled by a gigantic animated marble statue of Generalissimo Francisco Franco and populated by dwarves, halflings and tunos.

One of the famous Slot Machines of Old Madriz
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One of the famous Slot Machines of Old Madriz


Table of contents

Geography

Spain covers the majority of the Iberian Penis in southern Yurp. It borders France, Portugal, Polaquia, Andorra, Latveria, Spanish Gibraltar, Iceland and Spain II: The Revenge. Spain consists of typically high mountains in the middle and top bits, levelling out to curiously flat plains (where the rain mainly stays) on the coast. It is near the Pacific Ocean.

“I thought I was in Polaquia.”

Oscar Wilde on Spain

History

As all Spaniards love canarian bananas, they all made banana the leitmotif in the Spanish flag.
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As all Spaniards love canarian bananas, they all made banana the leitmotif in the Spanish flag.

The history of how the dwarves and halflings put aside their differences to live in peace and eat churros and canarian bananas together is recorded in the Madridicon. Alas, the last surviving copy of this book was destroyed during the Luftwaffe's bombing of Guernica in 1573.

It was around this time that the Spanish conquered the New World and such. Nowadays, this sort of thing does not occur.

From 2001, criminals are inhabiting this area. All the jerks come here to steal and commit crimes. The only solution is burning them in the public square.

Instead of the police or FBI, they have two people-control organizations: Civil Guardsmen (Benemerita or Picoletos) and Spanish Inquisition (Partido Popular), now in the shadow with reinforced fower.


Politics

Spain is an Incontinental Monarchy. The gentle giant Franco is the nominal ruler, but actual power remains in the hands of the High Council of Dwarvern War Priests (or, as it is known in Spain, El "Gran Consejo de los Señores Enanos de la Guerra" or GCSEG).

The main parties in the GCSEG are the Sierra Abolitionistas who seek to ban mountains, the Lunistas who seek to see the destructive power of the Dwarven War Gods tempered by the tenderness of the Goddess of the Moon and the Partido de los Toreros who hold bull fights in the Senate chamber.

Spain is a nominal member of the WFTA and NATO but really just pretends to be friends with the others and makes rude remarks about them behind their backs. Oh wait, that's France, sorry, never mind.

The monarch King Magneto is considered to be the 'king of kings' and cannot be bettered. This explains the saying, widely-heard in aristocratic circles and elipses, "if you've seen Magneto, you've seen them all". Felipe Gonzalez is also there. This guy likes bonsai trees and his darling wife Carmen Romero.

Not too long ago, the dangerous gnome known as Ansar was ejected from the council and was made leave the country, making him escape to American lands, from where he commands his group of lunatic men in Spain.


Wildlife

Spain is home to a rare breed of lynx, not found elsewhere in Yurp. No, really. Look it up, it's true.
Real Map of Spain
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Real Map of Spain

Although, apart from animals, there are other types of wildlife all around Spain. From north to south, one can find along the north-west part of the 'dick of Yurp' the Galician species. This peculiar species, led by the presumed dinosaur Manuel Fraga, is made up by fishermen that don't feel theirselves portuguese (though they are actually) and oldwomen with a wooden stick that don't know how to talk correctly yet. Youth there does not care very much, as long as tons of cocaine continue to enter the harbour night after night. It is 50% consumed and 50% sent to the rest of Yurp.

Also going northwards, but not too far, one can find the Basque Country. The Basques, led by mister Spock, have serious problems with the size of their heads and with their culture, because a Basque is born wherever! AND is also capable of smashing walnuts with his own ass! They are proud of their national heroes, which are men with the strange ability of cutting trees with their own hands (they are also known as aizkolaris). Certainly like life itself. The Basque region, which stretches from a woman's bra straps right down to the tops of her stockings, offers many opportunities for wild life, especially after dark. During the daytime basquetball is an alternative - and somewhat more disciplined - pastime.

Also going northwards, but this time stopping just south of France, one can find Polaquia. Polaquia is an imaginary kingdom made up by Westerm Aragorn, Catalonia, Valencian Country, the Balearic Islands and Northern Murcia. Well, Murcia not but the bigger they imagine they are, the more angry the spanyiards get. Polaquia has serious problems of identity. They feel better, cleaner, richer, mightier, stronger and cleverer than anyone else in Spain. They have their own language, that is a mixture of Spanish, French and polaquian (this last predominates) and a better and longer history than the other spanish. But the silly part is they feel like Yurpeans, although big bullfighting events are still celebrated. Other theories that talk about Catalonian inferiority focus on their ridiculous dick size, but there is no scientific proof yet. Their leader is a ridiculous fellow called Carod Rovira (yep that guy that was used as guinea pig whilst in prison) and Buenafuente. Buenafuente as the leader of masses, and Rovira as the guy in prison..he is still living this way.

Pointing out the centre of the peninsula, one can find Madriz, the land of the bear, the 'madroño' and the chulapo. Plentiful of beaches (and bitches also, specially inside the Real Mandril stadium, that owns the name of a polaquian), Madriz is the capital of Spain, but only because the rest felt grief at them and fear their bears, They think they a big door called "la puerta de Alcala" which is just a piece of stone. Other theories say Madrileños (Madriz sufferers or inhabitants) spread these stories to stop third-world inmigrants (species from the rest of Spain, mostly Polaquia and Extremadura) come and cause even more traffic jams, as they often bring their own downkey as a private transport means. People from Galiza are mostly welcome, as long as they carry enough cocaine with them. People from Morocco is also warmly welcome, as long as they are visible enough at the tube stations loaded with huevos, vulgar form of a 5-cm egg of hash that is transported in the ass. Spaniards failed to master this ability, hence their country was named Ass-Pain after that failure.

East from Madriz is the land of Extremadura, homeland to a new age band that takes the name of the region (Extremoduro) led by poet and philosopher Robe Iniesta.

Going southwards, one can find Andalusia (from anda (walk) and lazya (lazy you), meaning goin' lazy), the land of the nap and the laziness. Surrounded by water (Mediterranean Sea, Atlantic Ocean, Alboran Sea), waste land (Portugal), desert (the desert of Castile, that gathers Castilla-La Mancha and Extremadura -Extreme hard-) and Polaquia (Murcia). They still dream of holding an Olympic Games in Seville, good luck.

And there are also a few islands Eastern Jurassic Park continent called Canary Islands (where bananas come from). With very peculiar people wearing loincloths, making communication using whistles and owning a weird way of boomerang-hunting, they recently erected some little pyramids so one can guess how stupid they are. Their leader, called Tumba-Tumba (niece of Crash Bandicoot), known all around the Canary Islands due to his stinky farts, discovered fire and wheel development is ongoing. Now they are studying the fact that the Teyde mountain is a volcano, not a grill or a hoven to cook dinosaurs they haunt on theyr extense jungle.

“Do not die without shitting on Polaquia at least once in your lifetime.” ~ Oscar Wilde


What Does the Future Hold?

Rockets and robots, baby. Rockets and robots. Spain is also training an army of tunos to take over the world using bandurrias.
Tuno wearing his combat uniform. Badges provide aerodynamics
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Tuno wearing his combat uniform. Badges provide aerodynamics

Florentino Perez (current president of Real Madrid C.F.) will buy the entire country. As well, he won't abandon his loving team and, with the country (including Portugal, the waste land of Spain) in his own, Real Madrid will undergo some incorporations in the team, such as Fraga (who will play as goalkeeper while singing the latest single of Juanes 'Tengo la camisa negra' and feeling himself like one 'chapapote remover'), Froilan (by kicking evertyhing and everybody who dares to look at him) and an offensive star player (they didn't reveal his identity but rumors say that he is a big fat man, dirty, ugly and is saying all time "Me cago en tu puta madre, chaval".

Also, the Atrapao's syndrom is becoming common, killing the population by connecting Internet 24/7 and making them post nonsenses throughout thousands of Internet forums. God save theirs souls...

Nowadays the monster Krokodin kill half of inhabitants every year, this is a bit traumatic.


Notorious Spaniards

Very Annoying Spaniards

Annoying Spaniards

  • Paco Porras (vegetable futurologist)
  • Po Zi (Then Yes) (Ama Rosa)
  • Jabba The Hut (famous football player)
  • Shrek (famous football club president)
  • Paco Umbral (Microsoft owner)
  • Ignaki Gabilondo (Showman)
  • CálicoLetrónico (Electronic Cálicum Calicunienses Cálidum C.)
  • Gomaespuma (foam and rubber, you see)
  • Erik G. de Lopidana (the best european Photograph)

Annoying Spaniards Episode II: The war of the Women

  • Penelope Cruz (although was born a man, that's where the name PENE(penis in Spanish)lope came from)
  • Lorena Berdum nos penetra una llamada (a call is penetrating us)
  • Tamara aka Tamara la mala aka Ambar aka Ambar la mala aka Yurena aka Tamara Superestar aka ¡Quítame la mierda esa de cantante que me están empezando a doler las putas orejas, hostia! (See friqui)
  • Montserrat Caballe (OT winner)
  • Yola Berrocal (New Actress (and a very ugly one (trust me (really!!))))
  • Betty la Fea (The ugly Beatriz, but still not uglier than Yola)
  • Leticia con Z (Leticia with Z)
  • La virgen del Chocho (the chocho's virgin)
  • Vicenta (the mummy of radiopatio)
  • La hierbas (Erik's mum)
  • Ozu Fernández
  • Carmen Grijander
  • Susana Grisso
  • Marujita Diaz
  • Mercedes de Pablo (The Boss)
  • La porros
  • Matilde (mi casera)
  • Ana de Palacio (La fulares)
  • CATA la de Tarragona (icono de la moda)

National Organisations

P.P. -- Powerhungry Party.

P.S.O.E. -- Party Sarty Oarty Earty.

P.G.B. -- Party of Bar People.

I.U. -- Ilusionists United!

A.V.T. -- Associated Vivid Terrorists.

U.N.E.D. -- Utopic and Neglected Educationers Domain.

S.G.A.E -- Stupids Gays Against Earth.

CC.OO. -- Ce Ce Oh Oh.

P.C.T.V. -- Party Carty Tarty Varty

E.R.C. -- Excentric Rapists Club

P.N.V -- Patxi No Vengas (Patxi can't fail)

T.P.G. --Todos putos güevones

T.N.E.S.L.P.P.T.A.So -- National Childhood Development Association


Examples of Spaniards' Native Language

  • "¡Hasta otra!" -- I'll be right back.
  • "Ahora vuelvo." -- See you tomorrow.
  • "Eres más puta que las gallinas." -- You look so nice!
  • "¡Hola! ¿Como estas?" -- Hey! Do I eat these?
  • "La cena esta servida." -- He is very stupid.
  • "Bumbo Klaat man!" -- Hairy goat herder!
  • "Gracias!" -- Die!
  • "Muere!" -- cgfgfd!
  • "¡Joder!" -- No, that didn't annoy me at all.
  • "¡Coño!" -- Oh, that's a great surprise!
  • "¡Chúpame la polla!" -- You should try this exquisite poultry, my friend.
  • "Muere hijo de la gran puta!" -- Thanks a lot, Sir.
  • "Una mierda, te voy a dar" -- Here's my wallet, please don't shoot.
  • "Gambitero" -- Person that not stop in house
  • "Por favor." -- Poor fat boy.
  • "Si eso me paso" -- I wouldn't be caught dead spending my evening with you and your geek friends.
  • "Que te den por el culo, cabrón." -- What time is it?
  • "Estamous trabajandou en ellou." -- I for one welcome our new oil-greedy, WMD-hoarding, overlords.
  • "A veces atranco el water." -- I like playing basketball.
  • "Sounding the Groo." - I'm coming home from the pub.
  • "Mi casa es tu casa." - Please ransack my house.
  • "De perdidos al río."- From lost to the river.
  • "No tengo el chocho pa' farolillos."- I don't have my femenine sexual organs for little streetlights.
  • "Cágate lorito." - Shit youself little parrow
  • "En todas partes cuecen habas." - Everywhere they boiled beans
  • "Que si quieres arroz Catalina." - That if you want rice Cataline
  • "Me congratulo." - I think I'll run for president.
  • "El pescao está vendido." - The fish is sold.
  • "¡Que desastre!" - What of tailor.
  • "¡Moozzaaaaaaaa reciaaaaaaa!!!!!" - You're cute.
  • "¡Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!" - "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
  • "Hueleme el pelo." - "Where can I find a hospital?"
  • "Cuñaoooooooooooooo"-" Brother-in-laaaaaaawwww"


Some hints at Basque language

  • "Epa." - Good morning.
  • "Epa." - How are you.
  • "Epa." - I would like a beer please.
  • "Epa." - Well, see you.
  • "Epa!!?" - Are you stupid?
  • "Epa!!" - Hey you!
  • "Epa..." - I'm not sure...

Dialects

Other dialects of Spanish include:

Movies

  • Bienvenido Mr Marshall
  • La Matriz (Matrix)
  • Torrente (Torrent) (1 oscar for best special effects)
  • Patricia's Diary
  • Josmar Revolutions (1/2 Goya for best 3rd actor)
  • Zombie Tunos from Outer Space
  • Invento-Man y la Alianza de Acero (Invention-Man and the Steel Aliance)
  • La película de Ana Rosa (Ana Rose's films)
  • Negrata con tres patas (Emmanuel Amunike erotic film)
  • Falda menguante pierna creciente (This name is real)
  • Abierta hasta el amanecer(Really, this is a cartoon-educational movie)
  • El Bakala, tu hamigo (The stupid-nerds, your hfriend)
  • La gran vida de Jackie chan (This man was born in Spain)
  • Garganta profunda (Classical spanish porno movie)
  • Si yo no soy Curro Jiménez, qué hago con este trabuco (Epic porn-aventure)

Quotes

  • "-Penalti y expulsión...-Rafa no me jodas!!!" (-Penalty and ejection.. -Rafa, you must be fuckin' kiddin' me!!!) Unknown Sage
  • "Si hay que ir se va pero ir para na es tonteria" ("If there's a need to go, you'll have to go, but going for nau(thing) is fooliness") (Cross and Line)
  • "Yo he venido aqui a que se hable de mi libro" ("I came here to talk about my book") (Pak Umbral)
  • "Pues va ser que no" ("It's going to be that not") (Cross and Line)
  • "Antes muerta que sencilla" ("Rather dead than unassuming") (Eurojunior winner 2004))
  • "Sí, bueno, no..." ("Yes, well, no...") (Raúl)


Facts

President: Zapatero, a shoemaker with plain encephalogram, thus, the capital smells like a tannery.

The King: Magneto.
Leftside: an  character. Rightside: King Juan Carlos (aka Magneto)
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Leftside: an X-men character. Rightside: King Juan Carlos (aka Magneto)

Population: Dwarves, halflings and tunos.

Currency: The Duro and La Pela (In Polaquia)

Capital: Madriz or Mandril.

Official language: Afro-Spano-Arabish

Intelligence: Slightly better than America.

National Anthem: Santa Justa Klan - A toda mecha

Famous Stars: El Neng de Castefa (Castefa's d00d), Tony Genil (Kleenex Dancer), Carmen de Mairena (Car men of my Renee), El calvo de la Lotería (Lottery's Bald), Maria Isabel (the kid of the peines), Jose Luis Moreno (Joseph Louis Mourinou, famous arch-villain), Gigatrón (Metal Gods and sexy pijo killers).

Famous inventions: The Basques invented formalised evacuation procedures as described in emergency drills (originally Espa-drilles in Spanish). Their founding is remembered in the ancient proverb "don't put all your Basques in one exit", which was coined after a dreadful disaster when many youngsters were injured by Aloddov bulls.

Old Glories: Manolo Escobar, El Fary, Sara Montiel, Lola Flores, María Jiménez, Parada's Pianist, The Pantoja.

Types of Spaniards

See also:

projects
lunch money