Wednesday, October 26, 2005
i had three highly uncomfortable nightmares and couldn't sleep anymore.
in the first one we argued, or he left, something along those lines. it hurt.
in the second one i stuck up for a friend even though i knew she was in the wrong, and had to shoulder all the consequences alone. i was pretty tactful and articulate in this one, i'd probably be proud if it were a real life argument, but i actually don't enjoy conflict that much. it leaves a bad feeling.
in the last one i was sliding between two computers talking alternatively on icq and msn and i had an itchy head, and then an army of rather large (but still realistically sized) ants started racing towards me. to get to me they had to cross a gap between the desk and my chair, and they just jumped off the edge of the desk without hesitating; they were so eager to get at me. well not so much jumped as fell (these few nightmares pay amazing detail to the laws of physics). i had to spray stuff at them, hitting the nearest ants and then sweeping to the source, but when i got to where the other computer was, i was sitting there (but how could i be if i was holding the spray in a chair at the further computer?) and i had to spray my hair. it's one of those "eww bugs are crawling all over me" dreams.
anyway. the last nightmare woke me up, but it was the first one that really kept me up.
you'd imagine that i wouldn't feel this way anymore; after all so much time has passed. i wonder if any of pavlov's dogs failed to go through extinction even after an extended period of disassociation training? well, i guess my experiment is poorly controlled. it's not going to work if you're still going to occassionally and randomly pair the CS with the US.
... okay, that was really senseless and geeky of me. it probably should've been instrumental learning anyway, not classical conditioning.
did i mention yet?
i'm staying in vancouver for christmas this year.
i'm still extremely unhappy with this arrangement.
even with all the drama back in taiwan, i'd still rather be there than here.
even though it'd complicate things up for me a bit, i still wish i could take next semester off and just go back, work for a bit or something. aside from the fact that i'll have to quit research and finish the rest of my biopsyc classes with strangers, there's just one tiny problem - i know that if i did that, i probably wouldn't come back to finish my degree at all.
there just seems to be nothing to look forward to.
i feel so horribly depressed at the moment; i'm liable to burst out in tears any second now. i wish i could just fall asleep already.
well maybe there are a couple little things to look forward to.
chicken little is finally coming out, and it's going to be in 3D.
the only problem is, most likely no one will want to go see it with me.
there's "halloween fest" this weekend, if it actually happens.
i'll finally get to see american psycho II and infection and a couple other horror movies. they'll probably all be rather crummy and i'd have to leave my dad home by himself one whole day, but it's something.
umm. the only other thing i can think of is food.
two nights ago i actually ate so much for my midnight snack that i considered going to the washroom and sticking my finger down my throat just so i wouldn't feel so uncomfortably full. i need to watch myself.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
everything is fixed!!
internet's up and working,
printer/scanner/fax/copier is properly installed,
.net passport is working fine...
and even my HOME COMPUTER is fixed!
apparently there was nothing wrong with it except a couple viruses.
imagine how stupid i felt when after 6 long months, my dad tunrs on the computer, logs on to the net, zaps a couple viruses, and askes me "what do u mean it doesn't work?"
there still remains IE on my laptop and the soundcard on my PC
but i think some things are never meant to be fixed. :p
so now that i can browse freely and whatnot, i am happily back to wasting my time, peeking into other people's lives. so many people seem to be living so vicariously, but i guess there is an equal amount of them ploughing through schoolwork day after day just like me as well. when you consider what someone has done, do u look at socially-recognized/reinforced ahcievements or the exciting/memorable/unique events?
dad took the car today so after tutoring i walked from 32nd and granville to 41st and boulevard. apart from the uphill section btwn 33rd n 37th, it was alright. now i'm confused - on saturday my hand shook and felt weak when i tried to cook hot pot, and this condition dissipated after i took my meds. so is MG spreadnig, or not??? i wish there was an easier and less time consuming way to find out.
still debating with myself whether or not i should get a nano.
afterall, aside from the small storage n bad scrolling system, my mp3 player is fine.
i don't wanna get it just because ipods are in right now...
i was trying to help my tutor student manage hers, and she really doesn't even know how it works. she just collects stuff... play station systems, ipods, computers, giant dolls... =___________=
mmm okay, enough spiritual and material envy for one night.
i've skipped about 8 classes of biol 3 classes of tutorial 1 class of sensory psych and 4 of rankin psych, and this is just in october. i have some serious catching up to do. (yes, this means that aside from the midterm and this morning, i haven't attended a single lecture or tutorial of biol. i'm so fucked.)
那味道讓我想起campbell chunky beef and vegetables
holy cow. i wish the lab were paying me for my work, this is impossible!
started dealing with the data today, the idea is to transcibe all 154 of the 1982 video interviews first and then score the transcipts for values so that it would be done in the most similar fashion to the 1946 interviews.
it took me just over an hour to transcribe just 20 minutes of dialogue, which came to 6 hand written pages. it then took 45 minutes to turn that into 5.5 pages of final typed transcript. YIKES!
i don't think i'll ever be done with this project!
and i can't take the videotapes out of the lab so i have to actually go and sit there and work... ai
Monday, October 24, 2005
不過說真的 這麼冷漠的人 還能算男朋友嘛?
don’t go 就算是要求
still love you
i miss you
i love you
Thursday, October 20, 2005
i don't feel like studying. (is that really so surprising?)
lately i feel so stupid and tactless.
i need to think before i speak act and type...
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
over the weekend, got home around 3-5ish every 'morning'
sleeping till it's dark out again.
wandered out in the middle of the night in pj's to buy hagen daaz,
went to oakridge just to get godiva chocolate,
ordered two large pizzas from hell's kitchen,
constantly consuming steak, prime rib, roasted chicken, ribs, etc.
just feel like pigging out.
got my first midterm back, scored nearly 20% above class average.
which translates into... 64%.......................
what the hell did i get myself into?
haven't been attending or reading genetics, as usual.
cancelled tutoring on monday and declined two referrals today.
don't really feel like working.
msn messenger not functioning.
i thought it'd be good for my studying
but i feel oddly cut off without it.
probably cuz i live alone and at night msn is my only link to fellow human beings.
started studying for 367 way ahead of time -
only to have progress halt to a complete stop as the exam draws nearer.
4th year is really demanding, and not even one of my courses is actually 400-level!
addicted to/fustrated by the homing hippogriffs game on the harry potter website.
i want to go float on the ocean.
i need sleep...
i've only slept a total of 4 hours in the past 36.
ah, yet i'm here at 6 in the morning,
not sleeping, not studying,
and only 3 hours away from my morning class.
32 hours till my 35% midterm. lalala
do u think i can survive on 6 hours of sleep for a 68 hour interval?
my mind always chooses the most unfortunate times to bug me.
or... well... maybe it's just cuz my mind is bothering me all the time now...
Monday, October 17, 2005
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
i am totally freaking out.
i just found that my midterm is not on friday but tomorrow.
guess who hasn't been studying or been to the last 4 classes?
i don't even know what's on the midterm.
03.年齡：擁有 "21 face" 的老人
28.眼珠顏色：很黑, 誰說眼球沒有黑的, 我的就比真子黑
30.外型：呵呵呵 有人說是很小一隻 (可是也被說過大隻, 是怎樣...)
32.想養的寵物：狗, 貓, 黑豹.
34.房間最多的玩偶/數量：羊 / 二
35.討厭的動物：昆蟲類算不算動物? 特別是蚊子還有蒼蠅, 其次是蟑螂
36.最喜歡的國家/語言：好難的問題... pass, pass
38.最喜歡的季節：秋天 雖然下雨有點討厭 可是喜歡那種懶懶的味道
40.最喜歡的味道：floral + sandalwood scents
47.是否暗戀過/是否告白：誰沒有啊拜託 / 啊這個我有 利害吧
48.是否被告白過：痾痾... 有 (尷尬)
52.喜歡的飲料：濃度完美的 caffe latte
56.喜歡的卡通人物：cathy jordan east, 算嘛?
63.討厭的音樂：太 country 的 country, enka
66.討厭的卡通人物：my melody, 偷了我的名字給那麼醜的玩偶
72.心情差的時候做什麼：抽煙, 哭泣. 最近學會打電話哭訴, 21年來第一次允許自己依賴別人分享我的悲傷
81.做過最有勇氣的事情：當面告白 跟同一個人 共兩次 我跟你說 根本沒效
84.做過最瘋狂的事情：什麼瘋狂 我為人超無聊的 哈哈哈
87.去過最詭異的地方：詭異...?! ㄟ... 男生廁所?? 哈哈哈
91.參加過的社團：badminton team/club, multicultural club, lost and found "club", CASS. 哈哈哈哈哈
92.社團特殊回憶：奇怪的: ?了宣傳話劇開記者會 生平第一次一邊說話一邊被記者拍照 / 不好的:在小到不行的失物招領櫃中度過的午餐時間 / 好的:跟著羽球隊跑, 偷看Mr.50... 原來社團讓我的生活充實了這麼多
94.是否重修/重考：沒有 沒有 好家在
98.最偉大的願望：目前希望能做個爭氣的人. 做一個我自己看的起的人, 因為我現在很看不起自己
101.對於所謂高中生玩的東西，看法是：都沒玩過 雖然都很白痴 可是忍不住還是嚮往
102.你目前所屬的團隊是？你覺得最屌的團隊是：我... 我... 我... 我隸屬 suedfeld lab. HA
103.為了"英文是世界共通的語言"而唸英文系之類的，看法是：跟我一樣 很好 很好
105.如果有人暗戀你被你發現，你對他又沒感覺，你會：通常是給他機會表白,再狠狠拒絕. 因為這種事沒有得委婉推辭的 - 你不狠心他就死不了心
最近一直都是這樣 做什麼都提不起勁 集中不了注意力
日子有點難過 越來越想離開 好希望讀完這學期可以小小的time off
機票應該還是要 $1800 CAD, 真浪費
可是今年的聖誕... no reason to stay
又開始了 學校 家庭 感情 與健康
可是單以情況來說, this might be a new low
everything will be alright.
i went to meet with my project prof today.
we have to complete some more data collection
and then we're gonna write the paper and prepare to publish.
how much more data?
oh, just 154 video tapes, averaging about 1 hour long each.
it shouldn't take more than 3 hours to score each tape, really.
still waiting to see if we want to copy them into dvds first or transcribe the dialogue.
fun fun fun.
Friday, October 07, 2005
Thursday, October 06, 2005
my life is an open book.
but it wasn't till quite recently that i realized the disadvantages of this.
you see, when you're disliked, you can't quite write it off as an misunderstanding.
and at any rate, a misunderstanding would be even more hurtful cause after being so open about everything you're still misunderstood.
life is hard.
i no longer want to quit life,
but rather wish'd i could have a new one.
the idea of tabula rasa never appealed to me till now.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
你是我唯一的美夢啊 也是我唯一的煩惱啊 怎麼辦
每當滿天繁星的夜空 心中總有一點點虛空 怎麼辦
一種說不出來的寂寞 一個沒有依靠的心情 怎麼辦
一個人在秋末的夜晚 是否應該慢慢的走開 我應該怎麼辦
站在你心房的那扇門前 我不知道你的心中 有沒有我
好想暫停全世界的時間 讓我可以把我的心 讓你看清
站在你心房的那扇門前 我不知道你的心中 有沒有我
好想暫停全世界的時間 讓我可以把我的心 讓你看清