4.5% acidic


Wednesday, October 26, 2005
i had three highly uncomfortable nightmares and couldn't sleep anymore.

in the first one we argued, or he left, something along those lines. it hurt.

in the second one i stuck up for a friend even though i knew she was in the wrong, and had to shoulder all the consequences alone. i was pretty tactful and articulate in this one, i'd probably be proud if it were a real life argument, but i actually don't enjoy conflict that much. it leaves a bad feeling.

in the last one i was sliding between two computers talking alternatively on icq and msn and i had an itchy head, and then an army of rather large (but still realistically sized) ants started racing towards me. to get to me they had to cross a gap between the desk and my chair, and they just jumped off the edge of the desk without hesitating; they were so eager to get at me. well not so much jumped as fell (these few nightmares pay amazing detail to the laws of physics). i had to spray stuff at them, hitting the nearest ants and then sweeping to the source, but when i got to where the other computer was, i was sitting there (but how could i be if i was holding the spray in a chair at the further computer?) and i had to spray my hair. it's one of those "eww bugs are crawling all over me" dreams.

anyway. the last nightmare woke me up, but it was the first one that really kept me up.
you'd imagine that i wouldn't feel this way anymore; after all so much time has passed. i wonder if any of pavlov's dogs failed to go through extinction even after an extended period of disassociation training? well, i guess my experiment is poorly controlled. it's not going to work if you're still going to occassionally and randomly pair the CS with the US.

... okay, that was really senseless and geeky of me. it probably should've been instrumental learning anyway, not classical conditioning.

可惡的被制約的狐狸.



did i mention yet?
i'm staying in vancouver for christmas this year.
i'm still extremely unhappy with this arrangement.
even with all the drama back in taiwan, i'd still rather be there than here.
even though it'd complicate things up for me a bit, i still wish i could take next semester off and just go back, work for a bit or something. aside from the fact that i'll have to quit research and finish the rest of my biopsyc classes with strangers, there's just one tiny problem - i know that if i did that, i probably wouldn't come back to finish my degree at all.

there just seems to be nothing to look forward to.
i feel so horribly depressed at the moment; i'm liable to burst out in tears any second now. i wish i could just fall asleep already.



well maybe there are a couple little things to look forward to.

chicken little is finally coming out, and it's going to be in 3D.
the only problem is, most likely no one will want to go see it with me.

there's "halloween fest" this weekend, if it actually happens.
i'll finally get to see american psycho II and infection and a couple other horror movies. they'll probably all be rather crummy and i'd have to leave my dad home by himself one whole day, but it's something.

umm. the only other thing i can think of is food.
two nights ago i actually ate so much for my midnight snack that i considered going to the washroom and sticking my finger down my throat just so i wouldn't feel so uncomfortably full. i need to watch myself.



Tuesday, October 25, 2005
everything is fixed!!

internet's up and working,
printer/scanner/fax/copier is properly installed,
.net passport is working fine...

and even my HOME COMPUTER is fixed!
apparently there was nothing wrong with it except a couple viruses.
imagine how stupid i felt when after 6 long months, my dad tunrs on the computer, logs on to the net, zaps a couple viruses, and askes me "what do u mean it doesn't work?"

there still remains IE on my laptop and the soundcard on my PC
but i think some things are never meant to be fixed. :p

so now that i can browse freely and whatnot, i am happily back to wasting my time, peeking into other people's lives. so many people seem to be living so vicariously, but i guess there is an equal amount of them ploughing through schoolwork day after day just like me as well. when you consider what someone has done, do u look at socially-recognized/reinforced ahcievements or the exciting/memorable/unique events?

dad took the car today so after tutoring i walked from 32nd and granville to 41st and boulevard. apart from the uphill section btwn 33rd n 37th, it was alright. now i'm confused - on saturday my hand shook and felt weak when i tried to cook hot pot, and this condition dissipated after i took my meds. so is MG spreadnig, or not??? i wish there was an easier and less time consuming way to find out.

still debating with myself whether or not i should get a nano.
afterall, aside from the small storage n bad scrolling system, my mp3 player is fine.
i don't wanna get it just because ipods are in right now...
i was trying to help my tutor student manage hers, and she really doesn't even know how it works. she just collects stuff... play station systems, ipods, computers, giant dolls... =___________=

mmm okay, enough spiritual and material envy for one night.
i've skipped about 8 classes of biol 3 classes of tutorial 1 class of sensory psych and 4 of rankin psych, and this is just in october. i have some serious catching up to do. (yes, this means that aside from the midterm and this morning, i haven't attended a single lecture or tutorial of biol. i'm so fucked.)



戒煙之後食慾回升的真的很可怕
昨晚竟然睡到三點多爬起來進食
本來打算只喝牛奶了 可是又開始啃巧克力香笛酥
之後又想吃點鹹的 不知不覺差點把整包肉片都吃完了
可是我昨天吃了很大份量的晚餐耶 還有dessert

今天晚上還是很嘴饞 可是不敢再這樣吃下去了
所以到了半杯果汁 過一會做了一小碗和風撒拉
再來啃了一顆蘋果 可是還是想吃東西
所以是了一下爸爸奇怪的蔬菜湯
才吃了一個多月就瘦了五公斤的蔬菜湯喔
不過啊 實在不是什麼美味的東西
那味道讓我想起campbell chunky beef and vegetables
不過是重度稀釋,蔬菜加量的素食版 一點都不誘人

好想來一塊五分熟的莎朗牛排 配好吃的紅色番薯...



holy cow. i wish the lab were paying me for my work, this is impossible!
started dealing with the data today, the idea is to transcibe all 154 of the 1982 video interviews first and then score the transcipts for values so that it would be done in the most similar fashion to the 1946 interviews.

it took me just over an hour to transcribe just 20 minutes of dialogue, which came to 6 hand written pages. it then took 45 minutes to turn that into 5.5 pages of final typed transcript. YIKES!

i don't think i'll ever be done with this project!
and i can't take the videotapes out of the lab so i have to actually go and sit there and work... ai



Monday, October 24, 2005
每次看羊皮的日記 總是忍不住跟著她笑或跟著她哭
最近跟她哭還有?她心疼的比例越來越大
特別是拔牙的那篇 還有成功嶺懇親活動的那一篇
不愧都身為羊 際遇感想跟反應都好像喔

羊皮說:
醫生一邊拔我的眼淚就一直流一直流
覺得好後悔好想說我不要拔了
又很害怕
又真的好痛好痛
一直哭嚇到年輕的醫生
醫生又一直騙我說好了好了
明明他說好了的時候還在拔
超痛的
護士還在旁邊講了讓我大哭不止的笨話
"怎麼沒人陪你啊"
我拔牙的時候就一直想到花生現在再哪裡啊
我好害怕又好痛噢



如果羊皮是我的 我一定不會捨得四十幾天不跟她見面
不過說真的 這麼冷漠的人 還能算男朋友嘛?

看到10/22最後那一句 '說不定我們等不到下次見面了'
覺得好感傷

男生的感情真是脆弱的東西 一點時間空間都禁不起



sometimes 我想要離開
因為沒了愛 你不在
don’t go 就算是要求
給我個理由 請別走
枯萎 你要我枯萎
你可以不給水 只能枯萎
每次走在夜深人靜的時候
找個無謂的藉口
逃離失去你的傷痛
每次總在你掛了電話之後
好想找一個朋友
安慰我說你會回頭
如果我放手給你要的自由
也許有天我會得到更多
sometimes
sometimes
still love you
i miss you
i love you


-- mavis



Thursday, October 20, 2005
i don't feel like studying. (is that really so surprising?)

lately i feel so stupid and tactless.
i need to think before i speak act and type...



Wednesday, October 19, 2005
recently...

over the weekend, got home around 3-5ish every 'morning'
sleeping till it's dark out again.

wandered out in the middle of the night in pj's to buy hagen daaz,
went to oakridge just to get godiva chocolate,
ordered two large pizzas from hell's kitchen,
constantly consuming steak, prime rib, roasted chicken, ribs, etc.
just feel like pigging out.

got my first midterm back, scored nearly 20% above class average.
which translates into... 64%.......................
what the hell did i get myself into?

haven't been attending or reading genetics, as usual.

cancelled tutoring on monday and declined two referrals today.
don't really feel like working.

msn messenger not functioning.
i thought it'd be good for my studying
but i feel oddly cut off without it.
probably cuz i live alone and at night msn is my only link to fellow human beings.

started studying for 367 way ahead of time -
only to have progress halt to a complete stop as the exam draws nearer.
4th year is really demanding, and not even one of my courses is actually 400-level!

addicted to/fustrated by the homing hippogriffs game on the harry potter website.


i want to go float on the ocean.



i need sleep...
i've only slept a total of 4 hours in the past 36.

ah, yet i'm here at 6 in the morning,
not sleeping, not studying,
and only 3 hours away from my morning class.
32 hours till my 35% midterm. lalala

do u think i can survive on 6 hours of sleep for a 68 hour interval?

my mind always chooses the most unfortunate times to bug me.

or... well... maybe it's just cuz my mind is bothering me all the time now...



Monday, October 17, 2005
dammit. i loathe myself right now.



Tuesday, October 11, 2005
i am totally freaking out.
i just found that my midterm is not on friday but tomorrow.
guess who hasn't been studying or been to the last 4 classes?
i don't even know what's on the midterm.



無名的100加5題遊戲

01.ID:melody_b612
02.暱稱:melody
03.年齡:擁有 "21 face" 的老人
04.生日:02/27
05.性別:應該是女的
06.血型:A
07.星座:雙魚
08.生肖:鼠
09.身高:5'2 不到
10.體重:108lbs
11.近視/散光(左):<50/0
12.近視/散光(右):<50/0 挖哈哈
13.個性:矛盾
14.嗜好:睡覺
15.專長:破壞(自己的)形象
16.用一個詞形容自己:傻
17.學校:UBC
18.類組:理科 (心理學)
19.居住地:溫哥華
20.出生地:台大醫院
21.頭髮長度:長
23.頭髮直捲:三分之二捲
24.耳洞或其他穿洞的數量:4
25.有無刺青:無
26.睫毛長短濃密程度:看當天用哪一支睫毛膏...
27.單/雙眼皮:內雙
28.眼珠顏色:很黑, 誰說眼球沒有黑的, 我的就比真子黑
29.眼睛形狀:中國娃娃型
30.外型:呵呵呵 有人說是很小一隻 (可是也被說過大隻, 是怎樣...)
31.自喻的動物:貓
32.想養的寵物:狗, 貓, 黑豹.
33.養過的寵物:狗,蠶寶寶,魚,小白鼠...
34.房間最多的玩偶/數量:羊 / 二
35.討厭的動物:昆蟲類算不算動物? 特別是蚊子還有蒼蠅, 其次是蟑螂
36.最喜歡的國家/語言:好難的問題... pass, pass
37.最想去的城市:venice
38.最喜歡的季節:秋天 雖然下雨有點討厭 可是喜歡那種懶懶的味道
39.最喜歡的花:鮮豔的粉紅色daisy
40.最喜歡的味道:floral + sandalwood scents
41.婚姻狀況:未婚
42.喜歡異性或同性:都愛
43.談過幾次戀愛:亂多的
44.幾歲初戀:國中
45.喜歡異性類型:一些莫名其妙的怪人
46.愛情觀:也許世界上沒有所謂的唯一至愛 但有一個永遠放不了手的
47.是否暗戀過/是否告白:誰沒有啊拜託 / 啊這個我有 利害吧
48.是否被告白過:痾痾... 有 (尷尬)
49.最深刻的感情在幾歲:深刻好難定義, 最痛苦是今年
50.現在有沒有喜歡的人:有
51.喜歡的食物:老胡臭豆腐 (不曉得老闆娘病好了沒)
52.喜歡的飲料:濃度完美的 caffe latte
53.喜歡的音樂:痾...?
54.喜歡的地方:不用與人分享的角落或鞦韆
55.喜歡的電影:鬼片
56.喜歡的卡通人物:cathy jordan east, 算嘛?
57.喜歡的顏色:最近好像是綠色跟紫色
58.喜歡的數字:27吧, 其實都還好
59.喜歡的時間:凌晨三點左右
60.喜歡的日子:放假的日子
61.討厭的食物:苦瓜和筍是唯一無法接受的
62.討厭的飲料:拿八種菜榨出來的蔬菜汁
63.討厭的音樂:太 country 的 country, enka
64.討厭的地方:髒髒的公廁
65.討厭的電影:噁心的搞笑片 無厘頭的港片
66.討厭的卡通人物:my melody, 偷了我的名字給那麼醜的玩偶
67.討厭的顏色:硬要說的話是橘色
68.討厭的數字:沒有, 雖然看到時間4:44的時候會有點毛
69.討厭的時間:需要早起的白天
70.討厭的日子:心情不好的日子 (廢話)
71.心情好的時候做什麼:開心的猛傻笑
72.心情差的時候做什麼:抽煙, 哭泣. 最近學會打電話哭訴, 21年來第一次允許自己依賴別人分享我的悲傷
73.什麼時候會哭:難過,委屈,感動,高興
74.害羞時的表情/動作:尷尬的笑, 轉頭看右下角
75.是否抽煙:嗯
76.是否喝酒:不
77.是否任性:非常
78.有無工作經驗:有
79.下輩子想當人或物:人
80.下輩子想當男生或女生:男生
81.做過最有勇氣的事情:當面告白 跟同一個人 共兩次 我跟你說 根本沒效
82.做過最後悔的事情:誠實
83.最討厭的事情:虛偽的人
84.做過最瘋狂的事情:什麼瘋狂 我為人超無聊的 哈哈哈
85.失眠的時候做什麼:回憶過去
86.無聊的時候做什麼:吃
87.去過最詭異的地方:詭異...?! ㄟ... 男生廁所?? 哈哈哈
88.聽過最無言的一句話:"我宜家不想拍拖"
89.覺得最神奇的事:我還沒喪失理智, 還活著
90.最常跟朋友分享的事情:碰到的好笑事 跟我自身不太好笑可是講起來又很可笑的慘遇
91.參加過的社團:badminton team/club, multicultural club, lost and found "club", CASS. 哈哈哈哈哈
92.社團特殊回憶:奇怪的: ?了宣傳話劇開記者會 生平第一次一邊說話一邊被記者拍照 / 不好的:在小到不行的失物招領櫃中度過的午餐時間 / 好的:跟著羽球隊跑, 偷看Mr.50... 原來社團讓我的生活充實了這麼多
93.是否會用樂器/哪種樂器:都不會. 吉他買了六年了還是沒去學
94.是否重修/重考:沒有 沒有 好家在
95.外出穿著類型:看心情和場合 差距很大
96.國三時高中的第一志願:師大附中, 如果我在台灣的話
97.高三時大學的第一志願:UC berkeley
98.最偉大的願望:目前希望能做個爭氣的人. 做一個我自己看的起的人, 因為我現在很看不起自己
99.覺得自己說過最有道理的一句話:很多 可惜自己都做不到
100.填完一百個問題後的想法:我明天期中考一定會被當
101.對於所謂高中生玩的東西,看法是:都沒玩過 雖然都很白痴 可是忍不住還是嚮往
102.你目前所屬的團隊是?你覺得最屌的團隊是:我... 我... 我... 我隸屬 suedfeld lab. HA
103.為了"英文是世界共通的語言"而唸英文系之類的,看法是:跟我一樣 很好 很好
104.你最懷念哪一段時光:高一
105.如果有人暗戀你被你發現,你對他又沒感覺,你會:通常是給他機會表白,再狠狠拒絕. 因為這種事沒有得委婉推辭的 - 你不狠心他就死不了心


我明天考試的事, 真的完蛋了
我一點都不想讀書啊 完全沒有那種心情
最近一直都是這樣 做什麼都提不起勁 集中不了注意力
日子有點難過 越來越想離開 好希望讀完這學期可以小小的time off
可是偏偏期末考要考到最後一天, 能回台灣的時間十天不到
機票應該還是要 $1800 CAD, 真浪費
可是今年的聖誕... no reason to stay
明天還是去訂機位吧 好想買單程的

狠困惑
又開始了 學校 家庭 感情 與健康
各方面都不太順 連友情都成了問號
想一想 也許我現在比以前的我正面很多
可是單以情況來說, this might be a new low

好無力啊!!!!!


everything will be alright.
...when?



oh yeah.
i went to meet with my project prof today.
we have to complete some more data collection
and then we're gonna write the paper and prepare to publish.

how much more data?
oh, just 154 video tapes, averaging about 1 hour long each.
it shouldn't take more than 3 hours to score each tape, really.
still waiting to see if we want to copy them into dvds first or transcribe the dialogue.

fun fun fun.



Friday, October 07, 2005
let the games begin. *wink*



Thursday, October 06, 2005
my life is an open book.
but it wasn't till quite recently that i realized the disadvantages of this.

you see, when you're disliked, you can't quite write it off as an misunderstanding.
and at any rate, a misunderstanding would be even more hurtful cause after being so open about everything you're still misunderstood.

life is hard.
i no longer want to quit life,
but rather wish'd i could have a new one.

the idea of tabula rasa never appealed to me till now.



Wednesday, October 05, 2005
你是我唯一的美夢啊 也是我唯一的煩惱啊 怎麼辦
每當滿天繁星的夜空 心中總有一點點虛空 怎麼辦
你總是匆匆的走過 你總是不會作停留
而我在等待 你的一個答案
一種說不出來的寂寞 一個沒有依靠的心情 怎麼辦
一個人在秋末的夜晚 是否應該慢慢的走開 我應該怎麼辦
你總是匆匆的走過 你總是不會作停留
而我在等待 你的一個答案
站在你心房的那扇門前 我不知道你的心中 有沒有我
好想暫停全世界的時間 讓我可以把我的心 讓你看清
站在你心房的那扇門前 我不知道你的心中 有沒有我
好想暫停全世界的時間 讓我可以把我的心 讓你看清





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