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Title: Bite
Author: Eliyah lilygilding@hotmail.com
Pairing: DM/EW
Category: (wacky) Angst
Rating: R for ridiculous
Warning: Disturbingly silly, mpreg themes
Feedback: Yes! Yes please!
Disclaimer: Completely fictitious. And borrowed the idea from an Atwood short story.
Summary: Elijah thinks that he's having Dom's baby.


Elijah thinks that he's having Dom's baby.

Elijah's got a swelling in his abdomen, and when he presses down on the bulge with his thumb it hurts.

Elijah's been feeling sick in the mornings. He often gets dizzy and flustered.

Elijah's been having moods. He treats Dom like shit, because Elijah reckons its all Dom's fault that he's feeling this way.

Elijah resents Dom for putting the baby in him in the first place.

Dom did it out of innocence.

They were sitting on the couch one minute. They were mucking about. Sort of remote wrestling and they were laughing. The winner would get the last beer, you see, so Dom got a bit overzealous.

Next thing Elijah remembers was that his shirt rode all the way up, bunched under his armpits. "Do you surrender?" and Dom bent down and sunk his teeth into Elijah's stomach.

Elijah moaned, "You bit me. Yes."

Dom, eyes gleaming with desire, rolled off Elijah and went out for another slab.

Elijah thinks maybe that's how he got pregnant. Through Dom's saliva, which was full of sperm-like Dom-ness, which had seeped into Elijah's skin. And there Dom's essence found Elijah's secret dark longings and they bonded and underwent molecular fusion of the perverse and closeted. Or maybe it was borrowing Dom's wetsuit. Or maybe it was sharing a hairbrush.

It doesn't matter that Elijah does not know precise details. Suffice it to state that Dom oozed sex through his pores and is therefore highly contagious.

Anyway, Elijah's in trouble.

Elijah's too much of a man to go to the doctors. Elijah reasoned that he could not possibly be bearing Dom's love child, because he was a man. This was little comfort when he went to bed at night, because his stomach churned and his bump throbbed. Elijah tosses and turns until he pats the swelling and manages to calm it down.

Elijah started to pick out names for the fruit of his unspoken desire and Dom's irrepressible charms. Elijah thinks Duncan is a good name for their baby, because it recalled just a hint of its father's name. If it was a girl, Elijah would call it Dominique. But in any case, Elijah nicknamed him/her Dunnie.

Dunnie liked to be stroked, Dunnie liked Elijah talking to him/her in soft inquiring tones, Dunnie liked most of all to spend time with his/her dad. So Elijah tended to linger longer in Dom's hugs and trail about after Dom, because damnit, Dom was responsible for Dunnie too.

Poor Dunnie, Elijah began to worry for his bump's future. She/he will never know its father, because Elijah wasn't about to try and convince Dom that he was pregnant and that Dunnie was theirs and yes, they never even had intercourse, but hey Elijah was having his bump and no one was going to tell him that was physiologically impossible.

Dunnie grew bigger and fatter, Elijah couldn't hide him/her anymore. So Elijah told Dom that he's stayed back after the Rings long enough and now its time for Elijah to go back home to America. Dom was visibly upset. Dom frowned and brooded, Dom smothered Elijah with his sullen-ness, his no-fun-ness and his angry-young-man look. But Dom never said, not even once, "But Elijah, you can't go, we're a family. You, me and Dunnie." Dom just thought Elijah was getting fat.

Elijah left their house in New Zealand on a cold Winter's day. He wore loose fleece pants and a big thick jumper, Dunnie hid amidst the bumps in the wool. But when Dom kissed Elijah goodbye (on the cheek), Dunnie protested with long sharp stab of pain. Elijah cringed and stiffened. Dom took that as a rejection and refused to help Elijah with his bags to the cab. Elijah almost blurted out to Dom that he was being extremely inconsiderate about Elijah's condition. But caught himself just in time.

Elijah is a big Sci-Fi fan. And he began to wonder if maybe Dunnie was an alien. Didn't someone paranoid say that most famous people are aliens from different planets who's dropped in on earth to mesmerize the locals? Elijah thinks maybe he and Dom are descendents from the same alien race and that's how he got pregnant. Then Elijah stopped pondering about this or any other theory. Because it was way too late in his term to care where Dunnie came from. Soon enough, Elijah had a feeling, Dunnie will burst forth (hopefully in a non-Alien manner) and show Elijah just what he/she looked like. Elijah looked forward to it with hopefulness and trepidation.

Elijah thought he was going to have Dunnie there and then, when Dom called and said that he couldn't stand it by himself in Europe and that he was coming to live with Elijah in the States. Dom said, "I want to have a Californian Christmas with you." Elijah added in his mind: "and our Dunnie".

Dom was so happy to see Elijah at the airport, Dom squeezed Elijah in his arms so tight, Dunnie gave a delighted squirm in Elijah's tummy. Elijah grinned and Dom held him and laughed at him for crying. Elijah doesn't try to tell Dom that he's all emotional with hormones.

Elijah and Dom bask in the warmth of each other's company. They touch each other more now, to make up for the strained way in which they parted. Dom lavishes Elijah with winks, looks and grins. Elijah feels like they are on a honeymoon. Elijah is tempted again to tell Dom about Dunnie. Elijah wonders if Dom is the kind of guy who would want to 'do the right thing' by Elijah. But Elijah isn't sure he's ready for a commitment ceremony. And maybe Dunnie doesn't need Elijah and Dom to have one, Dunnie just needs to be loved.

Elijah decides he loves Dunnie and Elijah is glad he was keeping Dunnie. Elijah is going to give Dunnie all the protection and care that he can. Elijah decides that he'll keep Dunnie out of the press, he'll have a quiet natural birthing at home. Elijah wonders how Dom will react when he finds Elijah in the bathtub, holding their newborn in his hands. Elijah hopes Dom would just take one look at Dunnie and fall as hopelessly with him/her as Elijah has.

Dom ruined all of Elijah's perfect plans.

"I came all the way from England," Dom says. "I think, I did that because I really feel incredibly attracted to you. I like you so much, you are so sexy, you glow. Would you sleep with me?"

Elijah was horrified. Dom wanted to have sex with him? But Elijah has Dunnie to think about, Elijah is wary of strenuous activities so close to Dunnie's due date.

"Why've you not asked before?" Elijah says. "I don't know about this, Dom."

Dom makes a pouting face and his eyes are big and soulful and pleading. Dom licks Elijah's throat and kisses Elijah's lips. Dom gnaws the back of Elijah's neck, Dom caresses Elijah's chest and back. Dom sticks his tongue into Elijah's ear.

Elijah sighs and blushes and stretches out on the daybed in the sunroom. Dom says naughty lovely things to Elijah and mouths his bellybutton. Dom's hand is resting gently over Dunnie. Elijah is enthralled, "he knows, thank God," Elijah thought.

Dom undoes the rest of Elijah's button flies and was about to worship Elijah's weeping cock. Dom freezes. Dom sees Dunnie, Dom stares at the sizable lump in Elijah's abdomen. And Elijah guessed wrong, Dom had no idea about Dunnie.

"It's all right Dom, that's our baby," Elijah says to Dom.

Dom can't seem to understand Elijah's words. Dom can't seem to get it through his thick skull that it was possible to get impregnated by repressed homosexual tension alone. Elijah is exasperated, well here's Dunnie, living proof that you can. That Elijah did.

Dom is gibbering that Elijah should have his head fixed. Elijah starts saying Dom should have his mind broadened. Dom accuses Elijah of cracked schizoid insanity. Elijah, upset, tells Dom that he's a male impregnating virus carrying freak. They shout and rant at each other and Dunnie gets very distressed by all of this.

Elijah screams and crumbles into Dom's arms. Elijah swears all the angels out of the sky. Elijah clutches Dom's hands and says "Hospital now, or I tear off your balls!"

Dunnie sends flushes of convulsion inducing pain through Elijah's entire body. Elijah gets admitted to the emergency ward. Elijah gets lots of anesthetic and Dom signs off on the relatives section as "domestic partner". Elijah gets a caesarian. The doctor takes Dunnie out and prepares Dunnie so that Elijah can take him home.

When Elijah wakes up, Dom is in a chair at his bedside. There's a bunch of pink carnations on Elijah's bedside table. But no congratulations cards.

Dom hands Elijah a jar. Elijah studies its contents. Dunnie is a hard black knot with bits of green and grey and white. Dunnie looks as like a fossilized pre-historic creature. Dunnie looks like an over-fried dumpling.

A nurse comes in and coos down at Dunnie. She says Dunnie is a nice sample of an extracted appendix.

Dom and Elijah take Dunnie home and put it on the top of the bookshelf. Dunnie can float in the preserving liquid languorously in the sun there. Dunnie can probably also see the tv screen from that height.

Dom tells Elijah that it was okay that Elijah went a bit funny right before his appendicitis. Dom says he won't hold a grudge, if Elijah will let him tell it as a funny anecdote, 'Elijah thought he was pregnant, but it was only his appendix exploding'. Elijah observes that Dom never ever manages to tell that joke to anyone though.

Sometimes, when Dom's in his bedroom, or the bathroom, or the kitchen or just out of sight, Elijah looks up at Dunnie and smiles at it. Elijah still loves Dunnie. Elijah isn't really surprised that the most his secrecy and Dom's avoidance created was a monstrous little ball of flesh in a jar.

Dom doesn't talk about his attraction to Elijah again. Dom never approached Elijah for sex again either. After Boxing Day, Dom flew back to England.

Elijah only thinks about Dom when he caresses his appendicitis scar, a bite sized crescent on Elijah's abdomen, right over the spot where Dom once planted a rabid love bite.

The End