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Finding Wisdom in Steve Guttenberg's Bible
LOS ANGELES ( Steve Guttenberg stands in a loud corner of NBC's summer press tour party waving a cup filled with seltzer (so he says) and explains to anybody who cares why the time is right for his movie-of-the-week update on "The Poseidon Adventure."

"You know, every year, somebody's doing 'Hamlet,'" he shouts. "Every year, Christopher Plummer's pulling out 'King Lear.' Every year you see somebody doing some classic, and you know what? This year, it's 'Poseidon.'"

Guttenberg continues, "I'm doing 'Lear,' actually, tonight. On the bar."

For reasons known best to The Guttenberg and perhaps to NBC publicists, the "Diner" star doesn't have much interest in doing publicity for "The Poseidon Adventure." He responds to requests for straight answers with lecherous justifications ("Come on, I'm looking at all the beautiful women here.") and out-of-context quotes from "Napoleon Dynamite" ("Are you drinking 1% milk cause you think you're fat? You're not fat. You could drink whole milk if you wanted to.").

Fans of the ocean liner remake shouldn't take it personally, though. Guttenberg isn't any more eager to chat about his upcoming guest run on UPN's "Veronica Mars."

"Rob Thomas called me and he said, 'I read that you don't want to do television.' I said, 'Oh, that's not true. 'Veronica Mars,' that's a great show,'" he says. "He said how about coming on and doing a season with us?' I said, 'Do I get M&Ms in my trailer?' He said, 'Yes.' I said, 'Ice cold Evian?' He said, 'Yes.' I said, 'A smoothie at 4 p.m.?' He said, 'Yes.' 'And Starbucks at 5:30 p.m.?' 'Yes.' And the most important question, 'Can the journalists that I'm speaking to now have a date with Kristen Bell?' and the answer's 'Yes.'"

Surrounded by a small circle of perplexed reporters, Guttenberg continued to declaim on a variety of subjects, both philosophical and professional -- think "Three Reporters and a Baby." In the interest of enlightening the masses, about whom Guttenberg has much to say, it's our duty to present The Collected Steve Guttenberg.

He puts it best: "My belief is that it's up to you to really understand me. At one point, you'll write something brilliant and somebody will peruse that article and go 'Guttenberg's brilliant.'"

Note: While Guttenberg's wisdom may produce laughter, its reproduction in this space isn't meant to imply that the "Zeus and Roxanne" thespian was stoned, inebriated or otherwise out of his gourd at the NBC party. The Gutt starred in several "Police Academy" movies, so his status as a funny guy need never be questioned.

The World According to Gutt:

  • Guttenberg on the most difficult part of shooting "The Poseidon Adventure":
    The toughest part, I would say, is that in my trailer, I had V-8. I had Snapple. I had Aquafina. And I had Evian. And the hardest part, most of the time, is what do I do? Do I want the Aquafina? Do I want Snapple?

  • Guttenberg on accidents on the "Poseidon" set:
    There was a time when my chair wasn't near the catering table. My chair was near the camera, where I don't like to be. And I stamped my foot in a fire ant mountain and there were fire ants and I got bit ... You've gotta eat them before they eat you.

  • Guttenberg on knowing his place on the "Poseidon" shoot:
    I was sharing a trailer with Rutger Hauer and he had first dibs on everything. The refrigerator, the bed, the makeup table. I didn't get to do anything. I didn't get to sit in it either. I sat on the floor.

  • Guttenberg on the amount of "Poseidon" green screen work:
    I actually filmed it here [at the bar]. We're actually filming a crowd scene now. [He starts waving his arms and bellowing.] Hold on! Don't let go of me! You can make it! Cut.

  • Guttenberg on rumors that his "Veronica Mars" character is based on billionaire Mark Cuban:
    I do know Mark Cuban. I love his cigars. I know they're illegal in the United States, but I love them. I always walk into a cigar place and say, 'Do you have some Cubans?' And they never do, that's illegal, but you go to the back and you get a Cuban. And I put a little mark on mine. So I know it's Cuban.

  • Guttenberg on a much-desired "Three Men and a Little Lady" sequel:
    It's actually called 'Steve and a 16-year-old' and it'll only work in Kentucky.

  • Guttenberg on improvising:
    I'm not a guy who takes scripts, man. I don't like to be told what to do. I walk in, I say my stuff and I leave. It's my life.

  • Guttenberg on keeping the common touch:
    I think about the little people. Not often. I spend most of my time with the people who work with me -- the woman who brushes my teeth, the man who puts on my shoes, my bedwarmers -- I have four or five women who sleep in my bed from 7 until 9 and then at 9:05 I ask them to leave and I go right in bed and it's snuggly.

  • Guttenberg on his relationship with the little people:
    My belief is this: There are the poor, there are the very poor and there are the rich movie stars. I like being the rich movie star.

  • Guttenberg on the reasons we haven't seen much of him lately:
    I'm not a worker, really. I'm more of a playboy. Here's the deal: You make a lot of money so you don't have to work. You don't make a lot of money so you can work.

  • Guttenberg on other reasons he may be been hidden from the public eye:
    I don't not work because I'm rich. I don't work because I live In Czechoslovakia. It's just such a tough commute. It's the commute that kills you. To get here for a 6 a.m. call from Czechoslovakia, I have get up at around 3. I have to go to sleep at around 6. It's the traffic over the Bermuda Triangle that's really bad. Other than that it's pretty smooth. I take side streets.
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