CBS

Monday, October 24, 2005, 4:36am

Halloween is just around the corner, and you know what that means: Girls dressed in slutty costumes all across the city... It’s like Christmas in October! It’s a longstanding Barney tradition to ring in November 1 snacking on something tasty I picked up the night before. Employing my patented system of changing costumes throughout the evening for maximal anonymity, I’ve always been able to score multiple phone numbers from various tartlets at any given Halloween party. That said, sometimes the system encounters a minor snafu…

Example: Last Halloween, I distinctly remember… almost nothing. I woke up with four new numbers saved in my phone, all from various chiquitas decked out in their holiday sluttiest, but due to my post-Halloween hangover, I couldn’t connect the numbers to their respective skimpy costumes. Tip: Always remember at least one detail about a girl from the night before if you’re calling in hopes of a repeat performance. That’s just good manners. Luckily, based on the times I saved their numbers into my phone and a few hazy memories of the four different costumes I donned throughout the party, I was able to reconstruct the night’s events with my own fairly impressive critical thinking skills and the following logic matrix.

I dressed as a Viking, a Ninja, Teddy Roosevelt and of course my old standby, Gandhi, although not necessarily in that order. I picked up one of four chicks in each costume: a Slutty Nun, Slutty Cinderella, a Slutty Slut and a Slutty some kind of creature with ears and a tail, I was pretty drunk by that point. To work the puzzle like I worked that party, X out a box when you’ve ruled it out based on the following clues. For example, Clue #1 says I didn’t wake up in my Ninja costume, so the Ninja / 2:21AM box is already crossed out. Hint: Some clues will allow you to X out more than one box. Are you up to the challenge?

Booze Clues – Or At Least What I Remember:
1. I didn’t wake up in my Ninja costume, but I know I ended the night with some tail.
2. The Slutty Slut was gone by November 1st, so she missed Gandhi... she too would go hungry.
3. Both Cinderella and the Nun were intrigued by my sword. I was still seeing throwing stars as I changed into Viking.
4. When I first entered the party, I spoke softly to hotties and showed them my “big stick.” Politically appropriate, yo. I was dressed as Teddy Roosevelt.
5. I got Cinderella’s number early. I was afraid her melons would turn into pumpkins at midnight

 Slutty Cinderella Slutty Slut Slutty Ears/Tail Slutty Nun 9:42 PM 10:56 PM 12:03 AM 2:21 AM Viking Roosevelt Ninja Gandhi 9:42 PM 10:56 PM 12:03 AM 2:21 AM

Were you able to keep up with my night?