How to Procrastinate: Tip No. 6—Jersey City Goes to 11

Did you know Jersey City is a "Sexy City"?

Apparently no one else did, either. A recent poll done by some annoying deodorant company found that Jersey City is the 11th Sexiest City in the nation. This is such powerful branding information that WFMU is going to change its tag line to “Freeform Station of the Nation, in the 11th Sexiest City in the Nation.”

What constitutes “Sexy”? Apparently these deodorant  scientists used some special metrics to figure it out, but over here in the Department of Procrastination Studies we need to see for ourselves.

A note on scientific methods: Station Manager Ken sent me this article (you have to do a minor log-in to read it, but I read it so you don't have to) two weeks ago, and I want to be clear that it’s not that I put off writing about it until now. I was doing research. OK, last Friday night I did some research.  I could have just made some crap up while I was watching the umpteenth rebroadcast of “160-Lb. Tumor” on the Discovery Health Channel, but I did not. I chose to do participant observation, an ethnographic method in which I have extensive training. As this site says, "Think Jane Goodall studying chimps."

Since I had only been out in Jersey City one night in my entire life, I needed expert advice. I don’t know why—this is science, so I’m reluctant to offer a hypothesis without some evidence to manipulate to support it—but the wfmu dj’s were useless informants. They don’t know from Sexy. I have a cousin who lives a few blocks from the station, and she is  super-Sexy (imagine an unplaticized Irish Cher), so I asked her to be my guide/driver. It was cold and I didn't want to walk.

Evidence collected 2/18/05:

The evening started out with the needle on the Sexy Meter bouncing into the red. I was at wfmu to stuff envelopes* for the marathon. When I walked in, volunteers Taso, Ryan, Bill and Charlie were sitting around the table under the supervision of Volunteer Coordinator Scott, looking like the Fab 5, but not so gay. But so Sexy!

Sexy Swagster Megan was also there and interrupted her game of computer Scrabble (the computer spelled “boner,” which I took to be a good sign) to help me plan my itinerary. Turns out Megan does know from Sexy. Scott began frothing like a mad dog when he started talking about bars where the “cute fake people hang out,” so I stopped listening to him, and excluded his data from the experiment.

Cousin Cher and I went to the Hyatt first.
Not Sexy, unless Empty is the new Sexy. But it was early.

Next stop was LITM, which stands for “love is the message” (down, Scott, down!). The meter went into the red as soon as we walked in and saw two extremely cute girls making out at the front of the bar. I think lesbian love is a better message. The bartender might have flirted with me, but I was too busy getting the gossip on my extended family to pay attention.

Having worked up an appetite from doing all this science, we went to the Hard Grove Cafe for steak sandwiches. I was ready to call the research over, but then we hit Sexy pay-dirt. Cousin Cher was waiting for the Ladies Room, and it was a long wait. Finally the door opened, and it was not a Lady but one of the Hombres who worked in the kitchen. Then the door shut. After a few minutes a Lady did come out and oh-so casually returned to her table. Cousin Cher and I analyzed the evidence and concluded that there was something Mucho Sexy going on in there. Something that might have even been Sex.

Since I had to get back to Brooklyn to get a few hours sleep before returning to board op for Greasy Kid Stuff Saturday morning, we decided our rigorously scientific experiment had run its course.

Scientific conclusion: Next to the envelope-stuffing table at wfmu, the Ladies Room at the Hard Grove is the Sexiest Place in the 11th Most Sexy City in the Nation.

*Brownie points for me!

Next time: porn? Maybe not, my mom's in town.

 

Comments

[listener joe]

Hey Now

Check out the Waterbug Hotel in Sexy City N.J. Thursdays at #7 Erie St, upstairs from the Keyhole Bar. Hosted by a real live L.I.T.M barback.Oh and there are so many sexies in the room. 11p.-1a.m.

Joe