Thursday, March 17, 2005

Feeling so low

So he really pisses me off. Yesterday was horrendous. One of the worst fights we had. I think what upset me most was the fact that things had been going so well, I really thought we were making that turn where I could see myself spending my life with him. After yesterday I have no desire to even be married to him. I wonder sometimes if he is not bipolar. The guy that wrote my beautiful birthday card is not the same man I was with yesterday.
I just don't get how you can think someone is so wonderful and then speak to nastily to them. It just reinforces the fact that I don't ever want to believe the nice words because the mean words then come out too. He can be oh so cruel.
I try to remember that when someone is mean or nasty, especially with words, it says SO more about them than the words they are spouting.
However those words sting so. I don't even think it was the words themselves, because they were said in anger, but that fact that he would say them to me. I don't deserve to be spoken to in such a manner.
I have been trying SO very hard to be extra kind, considerate and then he tosses out that I am being a diva. I don't have the best self confidence in the world, but I doubt you could find one person that has ever met me that would apply to word diva to ME.
It is an ongoing thing where I feel that no matter what I do it is never good enough or right. I told him I didn't like the way he was painting that one spot. I didn't say "You asshole, you totally suck and really screwed up". He lost it on me.
From now on I just want to be the bitch he seems to think I am. I opened up with him, I shared with him and I get cut and salt tossed at me. And he wonders why I don't open up. It hurts too freaking much. I know Eleanor said "No one can treat you poorly without your permission" (forgive the parapharsing if I don't have the quote exact). She is right...and I do let it happen for the mere fact that I feel I have other recourse. I can't leave. If I didn't have a son, I probably would have been gone and stayed gone. But at this point, I feel trapped. Not a good place to be. Do I regret moving here? Not so the town/people etc. But miss the family OH SO MUCH.

This pattern of his has been an ongoing thing. He gets that pole up his butt and there is no even rationalizing with him. He comes across as so very arrogant and self serving. Like what was the point of telling me I just had a cigarette 30 mins ago? He knew I was stressed that day, I made a point to let him know from the get it wouldn't be a surprise. I didn't expect him to read my mind or feeelings. I told him out flatly,b ut that still wasn't good enough. But he told me about the smoking then tosses out that I shouldn't let him know I am trying to quit if don't really mean. For pete sake. I never said, "I am quitting soon". All I did was get a book out of the library to start the process of doing it sometime in the future.
In one breath he tells me it is so wonderful that i doing all the community stuff I do, then in the next breath it is that I am thinking I am all that for doing it all. So what is it dude? I can't seem to win. If I sit around doing nothing, I am a lazy bitch. If I do these community things, I am all full of myself.
I think that he takes pleasure in tossing out insults to son and I. I just don't get it. I know there some psychological piece that says it is because he doesn't think highly of himself, so he puts others down. I have been tryign to help him with that.....I make a point to tell him things that make him realize his worth. What the hell did they do to this man when he was growing up? When the pychic old lady came up and told him he was 'unhappy" I knew she was right....the rest of the family laughed like "oh not way, that lady is nuts!". But I knew exactly what she was picking up on.

for now