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Andrew Has 1894 Friends
"What do you want to be when you Grow Up: NBA BALLA/ENTRAPENOUR." -- a quote from the MySpace profile of Los Angeles Lakers first-round draft pick Andrew Bynum (07-01)
Paul Winchell Heard Voices
April Winchell: "My mother stood by my father for 12 years, throughout his drug abuse, his infidelities, his paranoia, his psychotic episodes, his physical abuse and his institutionalizations." (07-02)
The Tail End of the Blogosphere
"The only thing wrong with a woman turning 30 is pretty much everything," according to Drunken Stepfather, a philosopher for our times. "Thanks Cameron Diaz for your Oatmeal stomach." (07-03)
Rated H for Horrifying
The crowning touch on Unfortunate Genetic Mishap Skin, part of a collection of disturbing Sims skins, is the Fargo hat. (07-04)
Driving on the Intercourse
From this point forward, the deer-in-the-headlights look should be renamed the contortionist Japanese couple in the compact car photographed by surprise while having sex look. (07-05)
Tom Cruise is Losin' It
Female teens born in 1989 should be on the alert: Every time Tom Cruise takes a bride, she's 11 years younger than the last. (07-06)
The Journal of Ama Liar
"I believe this has gone quite far enough, so I shall now explain myself. My cat was not set on fire. None of the money donated will be spent."
(07-07)
Stories to Make You Harding
Tonya Harding may be gone from the public eye, but the broad shouldered figure skating ruffian remains in our hearts. "There are 1461 fantasy stories and messages, and they're all about Tonya Harding." (07-08)
She's a Living Doll
The Angels with Attitude beauty contest does not penalize children for "things that are a normal part of being a child" such as bruises, missing teeth, and giant doll's eyes completely devoid of human emotion. (07-09)
This Hurricane Blows
Chris Pirillo covers Hurricane Dennis: "There seems to be a lot of water on the screen. ... I'm sitting in a hotel room in Vancouver, B.C., which is far enough away from the storm that we should be safe, completely safe." (07-10)
A Book That Follows You Around
A review of I Know You Really Love Me: "I hate what this book has done to peoples' impression of stalkers. You people honestly think its easy to stalk someone?" (07-11)
This Woman Motivates People
One of the claims made by World Trade Center survivor, motivational speaker, and presidential religious counselor Dr. Reverend Kaz: "Jesus gave her a rock." (07-12)
There's More to Fear, I'm Afraid
For the British, the only thing to fear is ... getting blown apart by 10 pounds of black-market military grade plastic explosive as you travel to work. And fear itself. (07-13)
The Suite Life of Bob Freeman
Bob Freeman has a strong opinion on the Disney Channel. And he's not afraid to use it. "It used to be a quality channel that my grandmother paid extra for." (07-14)
Gruel Site of the Day
"Gruel can actually be quite tasty," according to Mr. Breakfast. "In Korea today, gruel is often considered a delicacy." (07-15)
John Kerry is Very Swift
I hope that some Americans will rethink their opinion of Sen. John Kerry after reading him get a Nigerian scam artist so frustrated he declares "the holy ghost has spoken to me to desist from you." (07-16)
Hit Me With Those Laser Beams
The good news: Your penis is no longer incompetent because it can't ejaculate during sexual intercourse with a partner. The bad news: It's a retard. (07-17)
The Fortress of Perturbitude
Maddox: "The title to this article was inappropriate given this tragic event, so I changed it: 'Christopher Reeve is was an asshole'" (07-18)
When Keyboards Attack
The proposed fight between Rev. Mykeru and Lord Spatula will be conducted when they've both recovered from carpal tunnel syndrome. (07-19)
You Blew Me Up You Bastard
As a public service, this site stores photos of future suicide bombing victims, looking angry at the people who killed them, for use by the terror-stricken media. (07-20)
One Time Too Many
I'm ready to go back in time with serious firepower to prevent Huey Lewis and the News from recording "Back in Time," the song I can't shake for hours whenever this subject crosses my mind. (07-21)
Cover Your Eyes
Looking at this collection of the Worstest Album Covers, if there isn't a Japanese perversion devoted to broad-shouldered black sister bands and gay bodybuilders, there ought to be. (07-22)
Another Unsatisfied Customer
EBay buyer of Bikini Bandits DVD: "Only one of the girls had reasonably large breasts, not huge breasts. I would like to return you the DVD, in order to get my £11.50."
(07-23)
For Sale: Stuffed Bears
Great prank for crapweasel relatives who never have enough knick-knacks: Put one of the Porn Star Bears somewhere in their home without telling them. (07-24)
World's Ugliest Dog
I don't know much about Chinese Crested Hairless dogs, but the existence of Sam shows that dog breeders are among the most twisted people on the planet. (07-25)
The Missionary Position
The xFamily site describes the Children of God, a religious cult that grew members through flirty fishing, sending its female devotees out to spread the word of God (and their legs). (07-26)
Press Bar, Get Self-Esteem
McGill University is studying whether you can build someone's self-esteem by making them click on strangers who are happier than they could ever hope to be. (07-27)
For Whom the Truck Tows
Mark Evanier: "There are legal ways to earn money that people ought to be ashamed to do and that probably should not be legal. I sure hope I never sink that low to make a buck." The job? Tow truck driver. (07-28)
Visit Anytime, Aunt Flo!
The GladRags Keeper menstrual cup is the only feminine needs product that can be reused for 10 years, saving $800 over anything that Cathy Rigby can come up with. (07-29)
Signs from God
A Louisiana sign found by the Church Sign Generator: "Don't dishonor your father by sleeping with your mother." (07-30)
Hey Kids: Conservatives!
The Liberality for All comic book pits right-thinking superheroes against the greatest supervillains the world has ever faced: President Chelsea Clinton and Vice President Michael Moore! (07-31)
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