Pepper's Passion

Damn, it’s late. I had no idea it was so late until I turned the TV on and saw The Knife Collector’s Show.  The Knife Collector’s Show, for those of you who HAVEN’T seen it, is  - simply put - one of the finest shows on TV today. It’s part of the Shop at Home or Home Shopping Network or something. It’s a very simple concept: two lunkhead guys try to sell you knives, all night long (the show airs in my neighborhood from 2 AM to 4 AM). They set knives up on turntables and hawk ‘em like there’s no tomorrow. And that’s their job. Over and over, set up knives, cut some paper, whirl some “katanas” around and move the damn stock. But - as with all things in life - it’s the WAY they do it that makes it art.

These guys don’t just come out and show you a knife, tell you the price and flash a phone number on the screen. Oh no. That’s for chumps. They PACKAGE their knives in elaborate sets. Most feature ten to as many as THIRTY knives with some unifying theme: they’re “tactical folders”, they have Kraton handles, they’re military-style, etc. I’m still not sure who needs thirty “tactical folders” but if YOU do and hate to spend more than $3.33 each, then call right now and pay only $99.95 for the whole “Kit & Kaboodle” (that’s the name of the set). BUT WAIT - THERE’S MORE! Howsabout thirty nylon sheathes with Velcro closures and belt-loops? Howsabout this three-sword Samurai-inspired set, thrown in for good measure?

Howsabout Mr. Charm yelling a variation of the following at you OVER AND OVER again:  WE ONLY HAVE 150 OF THESE SETS RIGHT NOW SO CALL THE NUMBER ON THE SCREEN AND GET IN ON THIS AMAZING DEAL!!!  The guys on The Knife Collector’s Show especially like the big knives (insert own joke here). They bring out the sheath, some huge piece of leather, and ooh and ahh like kids with Pokemon cards. My favorite set so far is “Pepper’s Passion”. Pepper is the hot blonde chick on the show. You don’t see her face very often but her midriff is always bared and makes it into more than a few shots whenever she tries to duplicate what the two guys do in their presentations.

She was in the background just now, picking up a big Bowie knife, trying to STAB it down in the middle of one of the turntables on which they display the knives. The turntables are ALWAYS moving, rotating clockwise to show the knives off to best effect, and Pepper was trying to STAB this huge Bowie into the center. She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t STAB hard enough to get the knife tip into the wood. She tried it three times, to off-camera encouragement, but the Bowie would stick for a minute then topple over, scattering smaller knives as it went. I was fearful one of the knives would FLY off the turntable and strike Pepper - but the camera cut away fast before she could truly hurt herself.

People are ALWAYS getting cut and stabbed on The Knife Collector’s Show. Last night, the weasely guy (Shawn) set up all these folding knives on the turntable, pulling the blades out to a 90-degree angle and setting the handles down with the blade sticking straight up. It’s a pretty interesting site, all the knives going around in endless circles. But then Shawn stabbed himself in the arm accidentally when he reached across the turntable. He recoiled instantly, yelled “Oww!”, then quickly added, “That hurt!”. Then he could be seen rubbing his elbow. “That was a good one!” he added, before throwing in the “ballistic nylon” sheath. Some day someone will get seriously INJURED.

Occasionally, the guys on The Knife Collector’s Show get real testy with each other. Tonight, the fat guy with the real low Southern-accented “aw shucks” voice (O'Dell) jumped in on Shawn who got a little miffed, even mentioned it on the air. After O'Dell did his schtick about how the Samurai set comes with a light layer of a rust-preventative called “Cosmoline” on it’s carbon steel blades, Shawn - dripping contempt - said, “Actually, I told them that already. But thanks for helping me out, BUD. You just jump in there any old time you like.”

The Knife Collector’s Show goes out live, from somewhere below the Mason-Dixon line, I believe. I'm not positive but I’m betting they’re in Tennessee. I imagine them in a TV studio buried deep in a mountainside, protected against all threats by an army of expert swordsmen. They see to it The Knife Collector’s Show stays on the air despite any threats.  But no one would ever dream of doing away with The Knife Collector’s Show. Let’s face it, guys like knives: they’re phallic and they’re WEAPONS! Sometimes, I try to picture the dude that’s awake somewhere at 3 AM, buying THIRTY knives with a MasterCard - then I get REAL scared.

I’m going to go put a layer of Cosmoline on my carbon steel blades, then hit the hay. It’s easy these days: I just close my eyes and try to count all those tactical folders as they rotate on the turntable, circling around and around and around and around and around....  (Thanks to funkycarter.com for the clip!)

Comments

[ignatz]

The knife collectors show is sadly off the air ( http://www.astreetproductions.com/weblog/archives/2004/01/28/so-long-tom-odell/ , but Tom O'Dell's genius lives on at the "Cutlery Corner": http://www.cutlerycorner.net/

[listener jon]

The knife collectors show was one of the greatest late night tv extravaganzas of all time. There is a videotape of the "Plea for Insanity" show where Tom O'Dell offers deals that only could be created by a man insane.

My old sketch comedy group even wrote a parody of the show called "Knives" featuring a puma pommel bowie. The sketch was funny, but not as funny as the actual show.

[Felix]

Is the show still on?