December 1, 2005 (Mad Kane on the Radio; Randy Cunningham Limericks; Ode to Bob Woodward -- Audio Version Is Here)
Lots of political poetry today, but first some news: I'll be on the Cityscape radio show on WFUV, 90.7 FM in New York City on Saturday, December 3rd. It airs at 7:30 A.M. and is also streamed on the Net. And for late risers (like me) it'll be archived at WFUV. (I'll update this entry when the show's been posted there.) The topic's freelancing and the workplace, and my contribution to the fray is reading one of my work related humor pieces,Working Stiffed.
A Congressman Known As Rep. Randy By Madeleine Begun Kane
A Congressman known as Rep. Randy
Found that yacht living's fun and quite dandy.
But the yacht was a loaner.
Mitch Wade was the owner.
Huge bribes from rich pals are quite handy.
A Generous Man Named Mitch Wade By Madeleine Begun Kane
A generous man named Mitch Wade,
For Rep. Randy's home way overpaid.
Though the Rep. nicknamed "Duke"
Claimed at first, it's a fluke,
Duke confessed he the law did evade.
I wrote "Ode To Bob Woodward" and "The GOP Liars Are At It Again" a couple of weeks ago, but somehow forgot to post them.
Ode Bob Woodward By Madeleine Begun Kane
Bob Woodward had an ax to grind
When Plamegate he critiqued.
We've finally learned that Woodward
Was the first to get that leak.
He failed to tell his audience
His viewpoint might be skewed
By personal involvement
When he anti-Fitz talk spewed.
His attitude on conflict rules?
To him they don't apply.
This former journo hero
Has left ethics high and dry.
The GOP Liars Are At It Again, By Madeleine Begun Kane
The GOP liars are at it again,
Besmirching Joe Wilson's good name. They're claiming his loose lips at parties and fetes
Blew the cover of Valerie Plame.
Yet Another Ode To Ann Coulter By Madeleine Begun Kane
Ann Coulter lacks powers of reason,
Claiming Murtha-type Dems commit treason.
So free speech rights don't flow
To George Dub action foes?
Coulter's comments with evil are seasoned.
An Unscrupulous Fellow Named Jack By Madeleine Begun Kane
An unscrupulous fellow named Jack
Has deep ties with Republican hacks.
Now that Mike's telling tales,
And Jack Abramoff's nailed,
We shall soon have a jailed wingnut stack.
This seems like a good time to mention my holiday humor page which features, among other things,
humorous contracts about holiday office parties, gift giving and New Year's Resolutions.
A Rep From Ohio Named Jean By Madeleine Begun Kane
A Rep from Ohio named Jean
Called John Murtha a coward. How mean!
The Dems were quite riled
At her unprovoked bile.
She beat Hackett? How sad and obscene!
A Rep From Ohio Quite Dour By Madeleine Begun Kane
A Rep from Ohio quite dour
Had the nerve to call Murtha a coward.
She was forced to back off it.
Her seat she should forfeit.
I can't wait till Ms. Schmidt's disempowered.
I've also written a limerick about wack-job Pat Robertson who, when Dover, Pennsylvania voters removed “intelligent design" aficionados from their school board,
proclaimed that God might forsake Dover because of their vote:
Pat Robertson Does Dover By Madeleine Begun Kane
The Dover folks showed their defiance,
When they nixed ID preaching with science.
Then Pat Robertson freaked:
God won't save you, he shrieked.
If you're stricken, just skip prayer reliance.
And speaking of holidays, do you have any exciting Thanksgiving plans? I expect this Thursday will be very similar to last year's Thanksgiving festivities.
November 7, 2005 (Yet Another White House Leak: Ethics Class Humor -- Audio Version Is Here)
Now that Harriet Miers' office has announced mandatoryethicsclasses for all White House EOP staffers, I guess we're supposed to forget about Libby's indictment and Karl Rove's ethical transgressions.
Of course, these classes are nothing more than window dressing designed to dupe us into thinking Bush gives a damn about ethics.
How do I know this? A top secret White House source leaked this Harriet Miers memo to me, in a MadKane.com exclusive:
From: Harriet_Miers@Whitehouse.gov
To: All EOP Staffers
Subject: Ethics Classes
Date: November 3, 2005
Dear Staffers To the Smartest Man in the Whole World:
As you've probably heard, we've had a teensy glitch in the classified document leaks department: A certain fellow, who shall remain nameless, has been naughty lately, and the press is all over us.
Now we'd usually just ignore this sort of thing, but our cool Prez's poll numbers are in the pits. So we clearly have to send out a "we care about ethics" message, to get the {scatological expletive deleted} media off our Great Leader's back.
Here's what we're gonna do. I'll be holding ethics classes during the next two weeks, and you all have to come. Boooooooring!!! -- yes, I know. But I promise my class'll be really, really short. And needless to say, there won't be a test. Of course there will a gazillion page questionnaire.
Just kidding! HAHAHA!
As an extra inducement, I'll devote 95% of each session to a talk I like to call "Get The Government To Pay You Tons Of Money For Real Estate With Almost No Money Down." Which is a whole lot more interesting than ethics ... or constitutional law ... if ya know what I mean.
After all, a little birdie tells me many of you will be hiring criminal lawyers real soon ... and those guys are PRICEY!!! So the time to sock some cash away is NOW -- Big Time!
Please check the attached schedule to see which slot you've got, and be there or be square!
PS Here's a sneak preview of next week's briefing: Do not leak this memo!
Some Say That Reid's Act Was A Stunt By Madeleine Begun Kane
Some say that Reid's act was a stunt,
Just a rude and unfair Frist affront.
But by closing the Senate,
Reid followed a tenet:
For truth, Dems must stay on the hunt.
Now that Harriet Miers is back doing whatever it is she does best (writing Bush mash notes and covering his tracks?) Bush has a new nominee to replace Justice Sandra Day O'Connor. And I'm afraid he's just the sort of extremist judge we feared a weakened Bush would come up with - 3rd Circuit JudgeSamuelAlito. And that means it's time for some limericks:
There Once Was A Judge Named Alito By Madeleine Begun Kane
There once was a judge named Alito,
Who's often called Judge Sam Scalito.
He's fond of state powers.
At labor he glowers.
The Dems must Alito's name veto.
An Anti-Choice Judge Who's Named Sam By Madeleine Begun Kane
An anti-choice judge who's named Sam
Tells the poor and the weak they should scram.
If he takes Sandra's place,
All our rights he'll erase,
And the wingnuts will have a grand slam.
Alito's A Yale Law School Grad By Madeleine Begun Kane
Alito's a Yale Law School grad,
Whose rulings are right-wingnut rad.
He disdains civil rights.
For the big guns, he fights.
On the bench he is far worse than bad.
An Anti-Choice Judge Named Alito By Madeleine Begun Kane
An anti-choice judge named Alito,
Whose votes show a pro-corp'rate credo,
Often rules on the fringes,
In far right-wing binges.
Let's replace his court robes with tuxedos.
Ms. Miller Has Written Her Tale By Madeleine Begun Kane
Ms. Miller has written her tale,
And as tales go, it's rather a whale.
Her memory's convenient,
On Libby she's lenient.
What a shame that she got out of jail!
There Once Was A Writer Named Miller By Madeleine Begun Kane
There once was a writer named Miller,
Whose war mong'ring stories were killers.
The New York Times backed her,
Despite her detractors,
And now it's no longer a pillar.
There Once Was A News Gal Named Judy By Madeleine Begun Kane
There once was a news gal named Judy,
Who failed in her journalist duty.
The facts she ignored.
She misled us to war,
Turning tax bucks to war profits booty.
A Journo Named Judy Was Jailed By Madeleine Begun Kane
A journo named Judy was jailed,
For refusing to share secret tales.
Judy finally talked,
Having previously balked.
But on key points her memory "failed."
October 12, 2005 (Harriet's Song: Bush Is The Sunshine Of Her Life -- Audio Version Is Here)
As his relationship with Condi Rice proves, Bush likes working with musical women. So it's not surprising that Harriet Miers has expressed her schoolgirl crush on Bush in song:
You are the best Prez in the land.
That’s why I always shall be loyal.
You are the smartest living man.
I just can't wait to join the Court.
I feel reborn each time you're winning,
Cause I’ve loved you for a million years.
And if I thought your reign was ending,
I’d find myself buried in briefs and tears.
You are the best Prez we have had.
That’s why I'm blessed to be your friend.
Your twins have such a way cool dad.
I just can't wait to join the Court.
You surely know I'll do your bidding.
And I will come to your rescue.
Cause when I've joined those Sup Court heathens,
I'll make sure the law matches all your views.
You make me feel like a young girl.
That's why I'll always stand your ground.
You are the best Prez in the world.
And I can't wait to join your Court.
October 6, 2005 (Mired In Harriet Miers; Plamegate / Traitorgate Indictments Afoot? -- Audio Version Is Here)
By nominating Harriet Miers to the U.S. Supreme Court, George Bush makes it clear that he's failed to learn the lesson of Katrina: Don't name unqualified cronies to important posts.
Oddly enough, right-wingers seem to be complaining more bitterly about Miers' lack of qualifications than left-wingers. Though something tells me that Miers' thin resume wouldn't bother the right nearly so much, if she were a surefire right-wing zealot. Don't believe me? Just think Clarence "Pubic Hair" Thomas.
And now it's time for some poems:
Bush Named The Unqualified Miers By Madeleine Begun Kane
Okay, I'm trying very hard not to get overly excited or optimistic about this. But rumors are flying that
indictments are about to be handed down in Plamegate a/k/a Rovegate a/k/a Traitorgate. And while this Plame investigation Reuters story doesn't go that far, it certainly indicates that the winding down of the investigation is heating up.
They Thomas DeLay Did Indict By Madeleine Begun Kane
They Thomas DeLay did indict,
And that filled me with joy and delight.
They've replaced him with Blunt,
In an antigay punt,
So corruption still has a green light.
During the past week, I've read a slew of
posts and
columns about
ournewly"de-swaggerfied" (shouldn't that be a word?)
President.
Here's how I'd sum up Bush (and Rove's) post-Katrina angst:
It's Another Bush Crisis By Madeleine Begun Kane
It's another Bush crisis,
And day after day,
Dub's stooges are spinning,
While Bush says, "let's pray."
He is not on vacation.
He's handling affairs.
We know that from photos
That show Dubya cares.
Bush's numbers are tumbling.
It's clear that he's failed.
But Karl is determined
To Dub un-derail.
So we'll keep hearing speeches
That try to shirk blame,
And win back the voters,
Who fell for Dub's game.
But for once it ain't working.
The scam's falling flat.
Most voters have noticed
That Dub's a spoiled brat.
September 28, 2005 (Tom DeLay Indictment Haiku; Tom DeLay Song Parody Revisited)
I sure hope this haiku isn't premature:
DeLay's indictment.
Long awaited by lib'rals.
The delay'sover.
In any event, revisiting my Ode To Tom DeLay song parody, which I wrote last March, seems appropriate. Here's how it begins:
Ode To Tom DeLay (Sing to "To All The Girls I've Loved Before")
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A Rep whose name is Tom DeLay,
He breaks the rules most ev'ry day.
He don't respect the law,
Thinks ethics are a bore.
'Tis time to show him crime don't pay.
Tom practices dishonesty.
Ignores the law with joy and glee.
Misused the FBI,
Golf junkets on the sly,
How 'bout we stop his crim'nal spree...
But Friday's email brought me a reminder of my oversight -- a letter from former Governor Howard Dean, urging people to
speak out against Roberts. Dean's letter says in part:
... Some people even say that it's useless for us to speak out against him. They say we're wasting our time.
But how will we win any battle if we don't stand up for what we believe and speak the truth? More importantly, how will Americans know what to expect from a Democratic Congress and Democratic president if we don't fight for our values at every opportunity?
And now, my nearly forgotten poem:
Why Bother? By Madeleine Begun Kane
Judge John Roberts' confirmation
Is a certainty, it's true.
We're powerless to stop it.
Yes, no matter what we do.
But to those who say it's futile,
Making fun of things I rue,
I say it feels essential,
And that you should do it too.
Reid said that there are "too many unanswered questions about the nominee to justify a vote confirming him to this enormously important lifetime position." But while Roberts was certainly unforthcoming throughout his hearings, we actually know something about nominee Roberts that, in and of itself, justifies both a "no" vote and a filibuster. I'm referring to
Roberts' serious ethical breach in failing to recuse himself from the three judge panel hearing the Hamdan v. Rumsfeld appeal, while interviewing for a Supreme Court nomination.
The United States is a party to that case, which concerns the constitutionality of Gitmo military tribunals. So it was a conflict of interest for Judge Roberts to interview for a presidential appointment while that appeal was pending before him. As TalkLeft points out,judicial ethics and 28 U.S.C. § 455 mandated recusal. And that brings me to my Mr. Propriety limerick:
Mr. Propriety? By Madeleine Begun Kane
Judge Roberts is a fan of propriety,
And maintaining his impartiality.
Yet on Hamdan he ruled.
Does he take us for fools?
His action's the height of hypocrisy.
When I heard that President Bush was still refusing to raise taxes
or change his death-to-the-death-tax position, I figured Bush was planning to fund the Gulf Coast region's astronomical recovery costs with Monopoly money. But apparently, Bush has an even better idea:
slash domestic programs that have already been cut to the bone. And that, of course, brings me to today's limerick:
Rebuilder-in-Chief By Madeleine Begun Kane
George Bush said he'll Gulf Coast rebuild
In a speech that was platitude filled.
And he'll do it with cash
From fine programs he'll slash.
And for that, we're supposed to be thrilled?
I spent the better part of Tuesday listening to the Judge John RobertsU.S. Supreme Court confirmation hearings.
Unfortunately, I don't know much more about the judge's positions now, than I did before the Judiciary Committee started questioning him. But on the other hand, Judge Roberts' performance did inspire two limericks:
Though Judge Roberts Is Getting A Hearing By Madeleine Begun Kane
Though Judge Roberts is getting a hearing,
To measure his outlook and bearing,
He's determined to hide
Views that Dems can't abide.
His convictions he simply ain't sharing.
Judge John Roberts Is Smooth And Quite Smart By Madeleine Begun Kane
Judge John Roberts is smooth and quite smart.
Unlike Bork, he's not testy or tart.
But we still do not know
What he'll do about Roe.
He's declined to his viewpoint impart.
Throughout the evening. I dragged sundry bloggers (and the occasional blogger spouse) to the back of Julia's yard for -- hey, get your mind out of the gutter -- mini-interviews with them. Here's the first of two audio batches. (I'll post the second batch Wednesday.)
Before I get to my limericks. I want to congratulate my good pal Skippy for getting his Skippy Challengementioned on CNN. What's the Skippy Challenge? It's a Katrina relief drive in which Skippy
urges political bloggers to donate to the Red Cross (or any other charity) any dollar amount plus 1 cent "to let everyone know that the donations came from blogtopia." I just contributed $200.01 to the Red Cross and I hope you'll make a donation too.
And now it's time for my FEMA limericks:
The FEMA Head Michael D. Brown By Madeleine Begun Kane
The FEMA head Michael D. Brown
Helped cause thousands to suffer and drown.
Now he's dodging the blame.
Who's at fault? Val'rie Plame?
Let's throw Dubya and Brown out of town.
Bush Is Fond Of Political Hacks By Madeleine Begun Kane
Bush is fond of political hacks.
He don't care what credentials they lack.
When they crim'nally flop,
He congrats them nonstop.
While Rove launches a fall guy attack.
Some Say That George Bush Should Brown Fire By Madeleine Begun Kane
Some say that George Bush should Brown fire,
For his failures at FEMA quite dire.
But that's not how it works
When your Prez is a jerk.
I'll bet Dubya gives Brown a post higher.
A Broadcasting Preacher Named Pat By Madeleine Begun Kane
A broadcasting preacher named Pat,
Who quite frequently talks through his hat,
Seems to think it's God's will
That we Prez Chavez kill.
Then we'll take all his oil, and that's that.
There Once Was A Man Named Pat Boone By Madeleine Begun Kane
There once was a man named Pat Boone,
A quite wholesome non-rocker who crooned.
Now he's spouting hot air,
Slamming folks anti-guerre.
Are all fellows named Pat crazy loons?
Reader Dub By Madeleine Begun Kane
Who cares what Dubya claims to read:
The history of salt?
Plus tomes on flu and Alex II
What nonsense! Oy Gevalt!
Bush Vacation Haiku By Madeleine Begun Kane
Bush on vacation.
So can you tell the diff'rence?
DC less toxic.
Will Cindy Sheehan's Crawford encampment prove to be a tipping point? Will her Texas standoff with George Bush inspire an antiwar activism growth spurt? The answer to both questions is a definite maybe. But whatever happens, we owe Cindy Sheehan a debt of gratitude, and I owe her this Ode:
Ode To Cindy Sheehan By Madeleine Begun Kane
The mother of a soldier dead
Has Dubya running scared.
Her very name fills Bush with dread.
Face Sheehan? Dub don't dare.
She's camped outside Dub's pseudo-ranch,
In Crawford's daunting heat.
Her mission's clear: She will not leave
Till she and Dubya meet.
An inspiration to us all,
This gal has guts to spare.
She speaks out for the troops that fall,
While Bush hides in his lair.
She needs to find a reason why
Her son's alive no more.
Like many, she just doesn't buy
Dub's reasons for this war.
Sorry for my long silence! My mother-in-law was hit by a cab shortly after my last post, so my online time has been very limited. (She's out of danger now, but has a broken pelvis, cracked ribs, etc.)
George Dubya sure loves to vacation,
And his workout time Dub rarely rations.
He likes recesses too,
For the power imbued
To name refuse to wreck our fine nation.
Novak Sacked? By Madeleine Begun Kane
The pundit who blew Val Plame's cover,
And who's far from a Democrat lover
Lost his cool on TV.
First he curses, then flees.
Now his CNN gig may be over.
Lame Duckitude Revisited By Madeleine Begun Kane
They say that George Dub's a lame duck,
That he's finally run out of luck.
But he keeps signing laws
That are chock full of flaws.
Lame Duck Dubya's still running amuck.
