(2005-12-29) — The National Security Agency (NSA), accused in recent weeks of violating privacy by eavesdropping on American phone calls and emails, monitoring phone network traffic and placing ‘cookies‘ on personal computers of website visitors, today denied a new report in The New York Times alleging that the spy agency monitors major U.S. news organizations.

Experts say the allegation, if true, would likely have a chilling effect on the American news coverage.

“If reporters knew that agents of the federal government were literally reading their printed words or listening to their broadcast reports, it would be a blow to freedom of expression,” said an unnamed spokesman for the Society of Professional Journalists. “It’s a gross violation of the relative privacy reporters have enjoyed thanks to dwindling circulation and audience-share figures.”

An NSA spokesman simply said, “Does anyone still read The New York Times?”

(2005-12-29) — The 6th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals today ruled that the First Amendment allows, but does not require, major news organizations like to The New York Times to report on newsworthy events.

The decision follows the Times failure to report a December 20th ruling in which the 6th Circuit permitted the display of the 10 Commandments in a legal-historical setting in a county courthouse. In that ruling, ACLU v. Mercer County, the court mocked the American Civil Liberties Union, calling its reliance on the so-called separation of church and state “tiresome” and “extra-constitutional.”

The Times, and most other major news organizations, posted no stories about the 10 Commandments ruling on their “news” websites.

In its unanimous Mercer County ruling (PDF), the three-judge panel wrote, “The First Amendment does not demand a wall of separation between church and state … Our Nation’s history is replete with governmental acknowledgment and in some cases, accommodation of religion.”

The professional journalists argued that although a reasonable person might consider the Mercer County ruling newsworthy, “We don’t have to report on events which conflict with, or contradict, our beliefs or predominant worldview.”

An unnamed spokesman for The New York Times said, “Clearly the 6th Circuit’s decision to uphold a 10 Commandment display is out of step with the mainstream of our readers, and therefore, does not constitute ‘news’ to us. Today’s ruling affirming our right to withhold information would ordinarily be news, but we could not report it without referring to the 10 Commandments public-display victory, so we’re going to exercise our right to squelch that one as well.”

The spokesman said the Times would consider publishing information about the ACLU v. Mercer County case “only if it came from an unnamed source and contained highly-classified information, or if the Supreme Court overturns it on appeal.”

(2005-12-28) — The White House, after revealing yesterday that President George Bush is currently reading a biography of former President Teddy Roosevelt, entitled When Trumpets Call, today released the list of books the president gave as Christmas gifts to top Democrats.

While pundits endeavored to draw conclusions about Mr. Bush’s motivation for reading a book about Roosevelt’s post-presidential years, the White House said all of the president’s literary gift selections are simply random picks from The New York Times bestseller lists, with no personal or political implications.

– Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-NY… “Dean and Me: A Love Story,” by Jerry Lewis
– Democrat National Committee Chairman Howard Dean… “Forever Odd,” by Dean Koontz
– Sen. Edward ‘Ted’ Kennedy, D-MA… “Character is Destiny,” by John McCain
– California’s Rep. Nancy Pelosi and Sen. Barbara Boxer… “The Sisters Grimm,” by Michael Buckley
– Former President Jimmy Carter… “Our Endangered Values: America’s Moral Crisis,” by Jimmy Carter
– Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid… “The Year of Magical Thinking,” by Joan Didion
– Rep. John Murtha, D-PA, and ‘Protest Mom’ Cindy Sheehan… “S is for Silence,” by Sue Grafton
– Former President Bill Clinton… “Predator,” by Patricia Cornwell
– Sen. John Kerry, D-MA… “Flush,” by Carl Hiaasen
– Former Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle… “A Feast for Crows,” by George R.R. Martin
– Former CBS News Anchor Dan Rather… “Mary, Mary,” by James Patterson

(2005-12-23) — NBC Universal today moved to take control of its MSNBC-TV joint venture with Microsoft, bumping its stake from 50 percent to 82 percent with plans to assume 100 percent ownership in two years.

The move shocked MSNBC’s viewer, who expressed concerns about how it might affect favorite shows on the 24-hour news network.

“I’m hoping that NBC just sees this as a great investment and won’t make any programming or talent changes,” the unnamed MSNBC viewer said. “I’d hate to think that I wouldn’t be able to watch old what’s-his-name on that one show.”

A spokesman for Microsoft said it would phase out of the television news venture in order to focus on its core business of providing free security patches for its popular Windows software.

(2005-12-23) — Former Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle, in an op-ed piece in today’s Washington Post, wrote that Democrats in Congress never authorized NSA surveillance of terrorist communications with U.S. residents, and he would not have approved a document the Bush administration has used as its justification for the wiretaps — the U.S. Constitution.

“When I was in Congress, the Constitution never came up for a vote,” Mr. Daschle wrote, “and if it had, Article II never would have made it out of committee.”

The former Democrat Senator noted that during his term of office, his party “would not have granted the militaristic title ‘Commander-in-Chief’ to the president, because it makes it sound like he’s in charge of the armed forces and has responsibility to defend the country against all enemies foreign and domestic.”

(2005-12-23) — New stem-cell research promises “miraculous cures” for humans afflicted with a genetic predisposition to unethical behavior, according to Hwang Woo-suk, South Korea’s top scientist, who yesterday resigned his university job after admitting that he faked data in another study which had raised hopes of new cures for hard-to-treat diseases.

A panel investigating Mr. Hwang’s stem cell cloning study discovered that he had produced 11 lines of apparently-cloned stem cells through a technique that bypassed the cloning process, and simply placed two sets of cells in separate test tubes, with one set labeled as “cloned cells.”

Undeterred by the loss of his job, his credibility, and most likely his $5 million per year in government funding, Mr. Hwang announced today that he is just months away from a cure for a condition in the human heart that causes the kind of deception that destroyed his career.

“Clearly, I’m a victim of this genetic flaw,” said Mr. Hwang. “Rather than wallow in self pity, I will dedicate myself to giving hope to the millions of people born each year with what I call Spurious Inclination Neuropathy. We must place our faith and trust in stem cell research to relieve the untold suffering caused by this congenital defect.”

Mr. Hwang said he would immediately write a paper for the journal Science, outlining his latest breakthrough, then return to the laboratory to assemble the data that best supports his conclusions.

(2005-12-22) — Just hours after the U.S. Senate voted to extend the Patriot Act for six months, al Qaeda released a statement declaring that it would extend its global terror war for the same period.

Al Qaeda’s governing body approved the extension to the Martyr Act, which had been slated to expire December 31, despite controversial provisions which some in the international terror community say pose a threat to civil rights, or at least open the door to potential abuses.

“We have to strike that delicate balance of achieving our strategic goals without limiting the liberty that our people value so much,” said an unnamed aide to al Qaeda chief Osama bin Laden. “We’ll use this extension time to retool the Martyr Act in a way that addresses personal privacy concerns, without eviscerating our effectiveness.”

Critics of the Martyr Act contend that al Qaeda agents should have to show more evidence that a potential target is a threat to the establishment of a global Islamic Caliphate before they execute a suicide bombing, videotaped beheading or detonation of weapons of mass destruction.

“You have to have checks and balances,” the al Qaeda source said. “Otherwise, you have all of these independent cells out there terrorizing people with no cohesive vision. Someone in the chain of command has to have the authority to run a sanity check.”

The spokesman said six months should be enough time for “the hawks and the bleeding hearts to reach a reasonable compromise.”

(2005-12-21) — After failing to block a Democrat filibuster of a Senate defense bill which carried a provision to allow oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist said he would employ a rare parliamentary maneuver to finally achieve passage for the ANWR measure.

“Today, we’ll introduce a bill to grant pre-emptive immunity from prosecution for treason to The New York Times and any government official who leaked classified information to the Times about the NSA anti-terrorist eavesdropping program,” said Sen. Frist. “The immunity bill will carry the ANWR drilling measure as an amendment. With support from the full Democrat caucus and our progressive Republican friends, it’s a slam dunk.”

Dr. Frist said Democrats will be so eager to approve the measure, “they won’t even read the amendments.”

“If this doesn’t work,” he added, “I’ll put the ANWR rider on our motion to adjourn for the year. Either of those options will be more effective than attaching it to a defense spending bill. What was I thinking?”

(2005-12-21) — Congressional Republicans hailed the revival of “the Reagan revolution for smaller government” today as they seemed assured of mustering the votes needed to slash the projected growth of the federal budget deficit by one half of one percent per year in each of the next five years.

Democrats immediately attacked the $39.7 billion in reductions to scheduled spending increases, and called Republican sponsors of the bill “heartless, draconian thugs.”

But Acting House Majority Leader Roy Blunt, R-MO, said his party would “win this one for the Gipper” — a reference to former President Ronald Reagan.

“These massive cuts in previously-planned spending growth represent the equivalent of two large cups of espresso per day per federal government employee,” said a triumphant Rep. Blunt. “Republican candidates will now be able to campaign proudly in 2006 under the banner of the party that virtually reduced government spending — or at least we can run as the party that restrained the planned expansion of government spending, which, from the perspective of future hindsight, will appear to be actual budget-cutting despite the real increases in federal expenditures.”

Republican Chairman Ken Mehlman, in anticipation of the budget victory, said the party has already ordered millions of bumper stickers which read…

“Vote Republican: America Can’t Do No Better”