Threadbared

Someone Get Me Some Special K. STAT!

 

Oh, God.  Is that an inch?  It is. I have just piched an inch.  I can't believe this is happening to me.  What the hell am I going to do now?  My life is over.  Over, I tell you!  I mean I always knew I could get fat.  After all, big sissy is a bit of a chunko.  But I never thought it would be so soon.  And the timing couldn't be worse.  Just when I was getting Susie Dillworth to notice me.  I mean, I can wear long pants to day care, but let's face it: eventually I'll need a diaper change and...OH!  Just imagine Susie's face when she sees this giant lard knee.  I'm finished.  Ruined.  I'll be stuck over in the zoo puzzle section with the rest of the losers who can't get a date.  This is absolutely the worst day of my life.  What I don't get is how it happened.  I mean, sure, I may have had one or two extra teddy grahams this month.  But is that enough to distort my body in such a grotesque manner? 

OK.  Let's think about this.  Think.  What did I do last month? 

Playdates?  No. 

Activity walker?  No. 

Pushing that lawnmower that makes bubbles?  No. 

Oh, yes.  I remember....

Crap! 

Damn Aunt Margaret and her freakin' handcrafted, cozy, cellulite encouraging gifts.

All We Need Is EVOL

Merry Christmas From Your Friends At Threadbared.

In a true Christmas Miracle, Ken and Barbie have reunited to bring you this special holiday message.

More Class Superlatives

 

Most likely to end their friendship after a sleepover during which they got into Susie’s mother’s peach schnapps, Susie got a little handsy and they both got uncomfortable tingly in the pants feelings.

100 LBS. Yeah, She Wishes!

I don't know how well these flour sack get-ups went over in the 70s, but I know a fabulous little place in Midtown where anything labeled Queen's Pride XXX will sell like toast emblazoned with the Virgin Mary.

This Has Christmas Gift Written All Over It.

   

Sometimes he’s happy, sometimes he’s blue.

Sometimes he’s smiling and playing with a curly-headed tot.

Sometimes he’s crying and hanging from a hook on a door.

It’s Multiple Personality Pajama Case Clown!™

Whichever way you turn him he’s useful.

Or frightening.

Really, the choice is yours!

Dating 101

 

Dating Rule # 1:  Never, under any circumstances, date a man whose thighs are smaller than yours were in four year old kindergarten. 

Dating Rule #2:  A big head does not indicate the same thing that big hands and big feet indicate.  All a big head means is that he resembles a life size lollipop and he’s more likely to topple over during a stiff breeze.

An Important Announcement From Your Friends At Threadbared.

Maybe you think things have been sliding around here on Threadbared these last couple of months. We don't post as regularly as we used to, we're farming out the work to the kind Threadbared readers willing to help our lazy butts and be funny for us.

People, we have been busy. 

And, no, we haven't been busy learning how to identify the difference between knit and crochet. That's probably never gonna happen.

But what IS gonna happen is this:

THREADBARED IS GOING TO BE A BOOK.

Holy shite, yes. We can hardly believe it ourselves. In fact, when we heard our book proposal had sold we looked just like this.

It all started back in June when the site was chosen as a Yahoo Pick of The Day. We had a stampede of traffic and were thrilled but what was really exciting was that the stars were aligned, the moon was in the seventh house of Jupiter or some such nonsense and a literary agent out in California read the Yahoo Picks and discovered our humble website. She contacted us to ask if we wanted to try and find a book deal for Threadbared, to which we responded, "HECK YES WE DO!"

We wrote a proposal with our agent and in August the book was sold to Three Rivers Press. Three Rivers Press publishes The Onion books and James Lileks so you know we're in damn fine company.

"Threadbared: Insert Hilarious Subtitle That We Haven't Yet Thought Of" will be published by Three Rivers Press in Fall of 2006. Some of our favorite material from the site will be used in the book but the majority is all new, baby. That's right. All new. Pages and pages of new material. Yep, that's a whole bunch of stuff. That we are currently writing. Just for you. Are you starting to understand why we've been so slack with the site over the past few months?

Our materials are due to the publisher frighteningly soon so posting will be sporadic over this next month. We'll have more details as things progress and will be sure to let yall know about all of it. When we started this site eight months ago we never dreamed any of this would happen. It's been exciting as hell and we owe a big thank you to all of our readers for encouraging us, sharing the site with their friends and always chiming in with their own comments that are usually funnier than our original posts. Not to be all sappy and crying into our bourbon but yeah, we love you guys and we thank you for your support.

Sniff.

Okay, ENOUGH OF THAT!  Details on the book will come as we get them but in the meantime, be on the lookout for other fun items from the Threadbared Empire.  Mary & Kimberly's future plans for the Threadbared name include:

Threadbared: The Musical!

Threadbared Polyphonic Ringtones™, easily downloadable for your mobile phone

Threadbared Toliet Paper™ - "Wipe Your Ass With Vintage Sass!"

Threadbared Automobile Accessories™ (previously marketed on this site in August)

and our personal favorite....

Threadbared On Ice!

Yep, things are looking pretty good.

Threadbared Goes All Thankful On Your Ass

Sorry for the absence of amusement here at Threadbared.  Birthday cakes and turkey legs have kept us away (actually birthday banana pudding).  But as we all pause on this day to try to squeeze a tiny morsel of gratitude out of our cold dead hearts while we simultaneously fill our tum tums with enough food to kill a Skeletwin, Threadbared.com would like to present just a few of the things that we are thankful for:

Like.....

Lovely holiday costumes, especially ones that represent the timeless and touching story of the first Thanksgiving.  You know, the one with the Indians and the cowboys?  Wasn't it cowboys with the maize and the turkey and everything?  And for some reason we thought they were those cowboys that dressed in black and white, not the ones in brown skull caps.  Oh well, whatever.  We all know Thanksgiving is mainly about the bird.  The bird and having to eat Aunt Sassy's jello mold.

We are also infinitely thankful for...

Art directors who thought that this was the perfect look for the front of their pattern book.  Because really, without these deranged fashion forward friends of ours, where would we girls be?  Mary would probably be a contestant on Martha's Apprentice (you may not know this, but Mary throws one heck of a party) and Kimberly would most likely be using the internet to spend herself into financial oblivion instead of using it to try to be witty.  So, you see we have to be thankful for outfits like these.  Life is full of irony, is it not?

So, what else are we thankful for?

Two words: tea cozies.  So unbashedly useless yet charming, tea cozies represent the tendency of Americans in the 60s and 70s to clothe pretty much anything in yarn.  And what's better than a tea cozy in all its overstated glory?  Why, a tea cozy with giant fuzzy insects sewn onto the top of it, of course!  Also, ones emblazoned with the words "TEA TINE" aren't too shabby either.

And speaking of clothing anything that moves and most things that don't in yarn, we are thankful for this:

TOTALLY BITCHIN HAT!!!  We love this hat so much that we might not marry it, but we'd certainly make-out with it a little in our parents' basement.  One warning, however.  The top pretty much begs to be hooked by a pair of large talons. If you're under 100 lbs. you're in danger of being carried away by large birds of prey.  And that is no fun at all.  If you don't believe us, ask the nearest field mouse.

And last but not least....

Corcheted Alfs.  'Nough said.

And right after last (which would actually make the last one next to last and the right after last one actually last), but certainly not least (actually not least at all, but more like most), we here at Threadbared are thankful for our fun, hilarious, crafty, and loyal readers.

                                                       Happy Thanksgiving!!! 

Now get in the kitchen and help your mother with that Turkey.  She can't do it all by herself.  While you're in there see if she still has any crocheted potholders.

Friends Always Thought Roberta Was Awfully Gassy For A Girl

So anyway, here's the room where you'll be staying.  We put fresh towels in the bathroom.  Just let us know if you need any....what? 

This closet?  Oh no, you can't put your stuff in this closet. 

Why?  Well, because this closet is full.  Full to the brim.

What's in this closet? Uhh...honey?  Do you want to field this one? 

No?  Hmmm, well I can tell you what's not in there! What's not in there are the papers proving that Roberta here was actually born a boy.  What's also not in here is the diary her mother kept in which she confided her anxieties about her son born so, uh, underdeveloped that they chose to surgically make him a girl.  No Sirrie Bob.  The GI Joes that Roberta stole from the neighbor boy after she burned her Barbies in the fireplace?  Also, not in this closet.  Our entire wardrobe of matching clothing that reflects the fact that Roberta not only wants to be with me, but in a very real way also wants to be me?  SO not in this closet. 

Still, don't look in there, k?