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Klerck

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Klerck

Kevin Ealy (more popularly known as Kevin Klerck or simply Klerck) (1982March 8, 2005), was an Internet persona who was active as a troll on several popular websites, most notably Slashdot, Shacknews and Squabble.org. Some credit his page widening techniques as the primary reason Slashdot implemented the lameness filter, which checks pending comments for repetitive text or malicious formatting before allowing them to appear on a website. Most notably, his petition to "Rename The Two Towers to Something Less Offensive," regarding Peter Jackson's film The Two Towers, garnered international media attention.

Ealy was eventually banned from Shacknews as a result of his antics. Some users found him to be very entertaining and uniquely funny; others felt he was harmful to the various communities he inhabited. A defunct account on the website, Epinions, may show he was once a reviewer on that website. He also made a few shock site images.

Contents

The Two Towers petition

The text of the petition reads:

"Those of us who have seen The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring know what an amazing director Peter Jackson is. When I learned that there apparently was to be a sequel, I was overjoyed. However, Peter Jackson has decided to tastelessly name the sequel "The Two Towers". The title is clearly meant to refer to the attacks on the World Trade Center. In this post-September 11 world, it is unforgiveable that this should be allowed to happen. The idea is both offensive and morally repugnant. Hopefully, when Peter Jackson and, more importantly, New Line Cinema see the number of signatures on this petition, the title will be changed to something a little more sensitive."

The online petition sparked widespread controversy and voluminous flaming throughout the blogosphere as fans of the Tolkien novels created their own petitions attacking Klerck's. Eventually, a campaign to sink Klerck's petition succeeded in signing up thousands of (possibly forged) names, and petitionsonline.com removed it from their website.

Death

On March 8th, 2005, he allegedly was found dead in the bathroom of his boyfriend's apartment, the day he posted a suicide note on his LiveJournal. To paraphase his journal entry, he stated he had a little bit of depression but he was mostly bored with life. From what he stated in his last chat sessions, he wanted to use a shotgun to kill himself instead of carbon monoxide as he once said he would use. He stated he wanted to make do with what he already had. However, whether he is actually dead or not has been thrown into question.

Kevin's trolls and suicide were memorialized as the subject of Episode 8 in Season 2 of the l0de radio hour.

A log of his alleged last IRC conversation is located at http://trolldb.com/klerck_finalchat.txt. Kevin's final words were:

[12:39:07] <klerck__> oh hell I can't find a pen
[12:40:17] <klerck__> http://www.livejournal.com/users/klerck/ posted
[12:40:24] <klerck__> bye

LiveJournal has since suspended his journal so the suicide note is no longer accessible via the above URL.

"Suicide" Note

I'm afraid I must now kill myself for real

Good bye to my internet friends forever!

But seriously folks, I really am killing myself now. I'm doing the cheesiest thing imaginable by posting my suicide letter in my LJ, but the irony of it is too hilarious to ignore and it's not out of a desire for attention, I mean good god, I'm killing myself, I don't need the attention. No, it's just so that the note will be easily found and read by all that it applies to.

I'm not going to post a long explanation about why I'm doing this. All I have to say is that this is what I feel is best. I know there will be people that will miss me, and I know there will probably be people that will be glad I'm gone. Of course, I'm sure there are also going to be a few people out there that believe this is a hoax, but let me assure you: I'm not trolling here. This is quite real!

The only thing I'm going to do is name names here and say my final words to the people that I have final words to say to. Some of these final words are going to be good byes and others bridge burnings.

Mom: I love you more than anyone else in the world. I know there are many times I haven't exactly shown that at all, but I want you to know it's true, and I think you do know that, but I just have to say it. You'll find a way to get on without me.

Dad: I know we have never really been close. At least now openly close, but just like mom, I love you dearly.

Grandma: I love you very much as well. You're going to have to be there for mom after this. I'm sorry to burden you.

Sue, Bobby, Michael: We've also never really been all that close, but we've grown a bit closer in the last year. Far closer than we were in previous years. Even though I don't think I've ever said it to you, I do love you guys.

Cody: Cody, you're the person that's making this the hardest for me. I'm not sure how this will affect you. I just want you to know that I love you very much. More than any other guy I've ever loved. That includes both Jeramie and Ira. I know I've talked about them a lot, and it's probably made you a bit doubtful about my love, but please rest assured that I loved you until the very end. PS, I'm sorry about the mess. It's not cool at all, I know.

Michael Francisco: Michael, you've done a lot for me. Please know that it doesn't go unappreciated. You can be a great guy, but other times you can be so heartless without even realizing it. Although sometimes I think you do. I love you very much as well.

Branden Loizides: This one's a bridge burning. Even though I said I forgave you for a lot of the shit you pulled, I never really did, and I guess now I never really will. One act in particular is one I never would have forgiven, and I think you know exactly what I'm referring to. You should be ashamed, and I hope you never forget about it.

Ira: Another "fuck you". You hurt me like nobody else ever has, and it's one of the factors in what I'm doing now. I hope you're happy.

John Williams and Howie: I wish you both the best. John, even though I hardly know you, I know that you're an amazing guy. I hope the very best for you. Howie, I didn't get a chance to talk to you after what happened to you, but unlike me, you've got a lot to live for. There's a bright future ahead of a bright guy here. Don't throw it away, please. And finally for both of you, I love you both very deeply. I feel kind of ridiculous saying that because I hardly know both of you, but it's true. It's a platonic love of course, but it's love nonetheless. Good luck guys.

And finally, my internet friends: Some of you saw throught he facade I put on online a long time ago. You knew there was a lot more to me than I let on, and I appreciate how some of you stuck with me no matter whether I was being sincere or a trolling jackass. And then some of you are just dumbasses who don't shit about anything to do with me. Everyone knows which part they belong under here; I think I've made that clear enough over the years. So to the people that will miss me online, good bye, but to the rest: fuck you.

And that about wraps it up. I'm sorry it had to be this way, but this is it, this is what I feel like I must do.

Don't feel too bad about it, though. It's not entirely out of depression or anything like that. A lot of it is simply boredom. I know that sounds stupid, but I'm bored of life. I want to know what comes next.

Bye.

Current Mood: suicidal <-- LAFF Current Music: i dunno, something gothic for sure

See also

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