The Yin Blog

A once in a lifetime event -- twice in a week!

Woo hoo!  Now I'm really going to retire!!!:

SPONSORS LOTTERY INTERNATIONAL

THE DESK OF THE MANAGING DIRECTOR

INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS/PRIZE AWARDS DEPARTMENT
REF NO: TLOT/56424560/005
BATCH NO:51551/AIS7632/Bac
RE: AWARD NOTIFICATION/ FINAL NOTICE

We are pleased to inform you of the result of the GLOBAL SOFTWARE GROUP
SPONSORED LOTTERY which was held on the 17th Of November 2005. Your name
attached to a ticket number 025-146492-750 with serial number 25956-05 drew
the lucky numbers 5-24-28-30-39-41 which consequently won the lottery in the
1st category. You have therefore been approved for a lump sum payout of
US$500,000.00(Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars) in cash credited to the file
reference number: TLOT/333724560/005. This is from a total cash prize of
US$14.000,000.00 (Fourteen Million US Dollars) shared among Twenty Eight
(28) international winners in this grand category.
CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your funds is now deposited in a suspense account with
our paying Bank insured to your name waiting remittance into your bank
account.
Due to the privacy policy guiding this lottery promotional programme, we
advice that you keep your award from public notice until your claims has
been processed and your money remitted to your nominated bank account as
this is this is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming or
unwarranted abuse of this program by the general public.
All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from
25,000 names and E-mail addresses from Asia, Australia, New Zealand, Europe
and North America as part of our international lottery program which we
conduct twice every year. We hope that with part of your prize, you will
part-take next year in our high stakes US$1.3billion International Lottery.
To claim your Prize, please contact your claims agent
******************************

****************************
MR.Phil Owens.
TEL: 0031-621-548-520.
E-mail: xxxxxx
Alternative Email: xxxxxx
Foreign Services Manager, Payment Process and Release Order Department,
**********************************************************
for processing and remittance of your prize funds into your designated bank
account.
Note that all prize funds must be claimed not later than 30th November,
2005. After this date all funds will be returned as unclaimed for the next
sweepstake.
In order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications, please endeavor to
quote your reference and batch numbers in every correspondence with us or
your claims agent.
Furthermore, should there be any change in your address, do inform your
claims agent as soon as possible. Congratulations once again from all
members of our staff and thanks for being part of our promotional program.
Regards,
Mrs. Patricia Walker.
(Lottery Co-ordinator)

Pretty amazing that my wife and I both won lotteries in the same week -- without even remembering that we'd entered them!

I'm retiring!!!

That's it, I'm retiring as a law professor, blogger, etc.!!!  My wife got the following e-mail this morning:

From: "Sweepstakes Online Lottery"
Subject: WINNING NOTIFICATION
Date: Wed, 16 Nov 2005 14:18:08 +0000

 

The National Lottery
P O Box 1010
Liverpool, L70 1NL
UNITED KINGDOM                  
(Customer Services)
Ref: UK/9420X2/68/ALX
Batch: 074/05/ZY369/ALX
Fax: +448701312413
Tel: +447031946186

                                         WINNING NOTIFICATION:

 

We happily announce to you the draw (#1013) of the UK NATIONAL LOTTERY, online Sweepstakes International program held on Wed. September24th 2005. Your e-mail address attached to ticket number: 56475600545188/ALX with Serial number 5368/02/ALX drew the lucky numbers: 01-05-07-41-43-49(bonus no.), which subsequently won you the lottery in the 2nd category i.e match 5 plus bonus.

 

You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of £59,636 ( Fifty nine thousand, six hundred and thirty six  pounds sterling) in cash credited to file KTU/9023118308/03/ALX. This is from a  total cash prize of £894,540.00  shared amongst the first fifteen (15) lucky winners in this category i.e Match 5 plus bonus. All participants for the online version were selected randomly from  World Wide Web sites through computer draw system and extracted from over 100,000 unions, associations, and corporate bodies that are listed online. This promotion takes place weekly.

 

Please note that your lucky winning number falls within our European booklet representative office in Europe as indicated in your play coupon. In view of this, your You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of £59,636.00 ( Fifty nine thousand, six hundred and thirty six  pounds sterling) would be released to you by any of our payment offices in Europe.

Our European agents will immediately commence the process to facilitate the release of your funds as soon as you contact them. For security reasons, you are advised to keep yourwinning information confidential till your claims is processed and your money remitted to you in whatever manner you deem fit to claim your prize.This is part of our precautionary measure to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program.Please be  warned.

 

To file for your claim, please contact our fiduciary agent:

 

Mrs Jessica Morris.
Email: xxxxxxx

 

1, Winning E-mail address
2, Batch Number
3, Refference Number
4, Ticket Number
5, Serial Number

 

For further clarification/verification of your claims, Please call on any of our official numbers as stated in notification e-mail.
You can go to our online result site to confirm the value of your  winnings and also get a prize breakdown:-http://www.national-lottery.co.uk/player/p/results
/results.do

 

Goodluck from me and members of staff of the UK NATIONAL LOTTERY.

 

Yours faithfully,
Richard K. Lloyd.
Online coordinator for UK NATIONAL LOTTERY
Sweepstakes International Program

Okay, that's it.  Look for me on the sandy beaches of San Diego. . . .

Althouse on televising S Ct arguments

Prof. Althouse takes on Justice Scalia's opposition to televising Supreme Court arguments:

I suspect that what Scalia is concerned about is not some much those "real people" with legal problems, but the image of the justices. If we could see them pushing with questions and interrupting decent lawyers, maybe regular people would find them narcissistic, pompous, rude, or just plain strange. They'd be ridiculed.

As I suggested a year ago, though, televising appellate arguments should move more toward the direction of entertainment:

[A]n oral argument lasting 20 minutes to an hour would make a perfect "sporting" event. (Hey, if ESPN televises the World Series of Poker, why not?) You have the competitors -- the fearsome appellate litigators, about whom we can film those mini-featurettes that NBC deluged us with during the Olympics. Even better if they have a history of arguing against each other. [Cue cheesy Survivor "Eye of the Tiger" music. . . .]

You could have law professors, appellate litigators, law clerks, or even A3G herself offering color commentary. For example, when an advocate devotes too much time on a loser argument instead of conceding and moving on to a stronger point, the color person could chime in with something along the lines of, "When you're being paid $450 an hour, you can't make rookie mistakes like that! Punt and move on!"

Demented airport toy story

Check out Prof. Solove's demented airport security toy story.  I wonder if this is going into his FBI file. . . .

Bush sells Louisiana to France!

Details here:

“This is a bold step forward for America,” said Bush. “And   America will be stronger and better as a result. I stand here today in unity   with French Prime Minister Jack Shiraq, who was so kind to accept my offer of   Louisiana in exchange for 25 million dollars cash.”

The state, ravaged by Hurricane Katrina, will cost hundreds of billions of   dollars to rebuild.

“Jack understands full well that this one’s a ‘fixer upper,’”   said Bush. “He and the French people are quite prepared to pump out all   that water, and make Louisiana a decent place to live again. And they’ve   got a lot of work to do. But Jack’s assured me, if it’s not right,   they’re going to fix it.”

Not only does it get us $25 million in cash, but now President Bush can say he's cut $200 billion off the federal budget, since we won't have to rebuild New Orleans.  Can you say more tax cuts?

UPDATE: Speaking of President Bush, Prof. Bainbridge is running a poll on what's wrong with the man.

Con Law humor

This is more than a week old, but my colleague Jill Gualding just brought it to my attention.  It's a NYT op-ed, so I had to search for a link to a different newspaper that reran the column.  Here's the link, and here's an excerpt:

A lawyer who has been cross- examined dozens of times by the Supreme Court will not be caught off guard by senators posing as legal scholars.

The only hope for Democrats is to try the tactics used by interrogation pros like Israeli airport screeners and U.S. customs agents. These pros know that a smart criminal will have a good cover story for, say, what he was doing in London and why he's going to New York.

But if he's asked something unexpected - how he liked the London weather, whether he's planning to visit Times Square - he has to change mental gears. He's apt to exhibit telltale signs of stress, like gazing upward and to his right as he answers.

I'm not suggesting that anything the Democrats ask could stop Roberts from being confirmed. But they might at least keep TV viewers awake by trying questions like these:

If Roe vs. Wade were a tree, what kind of tree would it be?

There are many more silly questions, and the whole thing is worth reading.  (But it's not worth $3.95, which is what the NYT will charge you to access its archives!)

 

A really quick summary of the hearings thus far

Prof. Althouse and the SCOTUS blog are doing a fine job of covering the Roberts hearings, but this NYT column by David Brooks really gives you a sense of them quickly:

Jeff Sessions This may be a good moment to remind my colleagues on the other side of the aisle that in this country unelected judges don't write the laws. We have unelected lobbyists to do that. Under our system, judges merely interpret the law and decide presidential elections.

Specter Senator Sessions, let me interrupt you right there. We're not here to argue among ourselves and ignore the nominee. We're here to deliver 30-minute speeches disguised as questions and ignore the nominee. So let me turn to Senator Bid - -

Coburn And when I think of the flaws in the reconciliation process! And the gerrymandering! Oh, the suffering! Oh, the humanity! Waaaahhhh ... waaaahhhh. (Senator Coburn collapses and is taken back to his office on a stretcher.)

Specter As I was saying, Senator Biden, you have the floor.

Joseph Biden Jr. Thank you, Mr. Chairman. I thought this might be a good moment to give the committee a complete history of my heroic sponsorship of the Violence Against Women Act, but before I do that I'd like to interrupt myself by mentioning that I ride the train every day, often speaking with regular Americans, but before I do that I'd like to interrupt my interruption of myself by asking the chairman to restrain the nominee. During my first round of questioning, the nominee continually interrupted my questions by trying to give answers. I could barely keep up my train of thought on stare decisis.

Edward Kennedy Starry De Cysis? Didn't she do a fan dance down at that old burlesque house in Providence?

GWB through history

Tax law prof Daniel Shaviro has a funny post titled "What if George W. Bush had been President earlier in U.S. history?"  Some highlights:

1861 - Union wins Civil War in 3 months, but that's because Bush is the Confederate President.

1941 - Bush responds to Pearl Harbor attack by invading Mexico.

1990 - Bush avoids the Iraq quagmire of 2003 by failing to retake Kuwait (Saddam's army was stronger back then).

Cutting, but quite funny.

Seen on an political billboard around here. . . .

"Crooks for School Board."

I'm not making it up.  That's like a pleading I saw when I was clerking where the plaintiff's attorney of record was named Moneymaker.  Or if Lucy "Xena" Lawless were to become a police officer or a judge.

Saddam Hussein's trial defense strategy

"Saddam" likes my suggestion for his legal defense: "If you can't find the poison gas, Saddam gets a free pass."  He also answers questions about who he thinks are peers worthy to sit in judgment of him. 

Truth in advertising for the military?

Check out this blogger's description of some targeted employment advertising:

“Be a Fireman!” “Be a Truckdriver!” “Learn to Fly!” etc. “Secure employment, Top Pay, Great Benefits”…

The punchline:

But when you go to apply for the jobs you find yourself at the military recruiting office.

Well, I guess it's better than the old standby of going to exotic places, meeting interesting people, and killing them.

Howard Dean redux

I'm a little late on this, but in light of Howard Dean's resurgence in the news ("The GOP is the party of white Christians"), I thought I'd link to this hilarious takeoff on "the Scream."  It still cracks me up to watch it.

Dissolution announcement

Remember how the old AT&T was everything, and then it broke apart into AT&T, SBC, PacBell, BellSouth, etc., but then the Baby Bells started cannibalizing one another, and now SBC is looking to merge with AT&T?  (It's kind of like the liquid metal guy from "Terminator 2"; just keeps getting back together again.)

The merger of L3, ALOTT5MA, and this blog has done the reverse.  We were separate, we joined, and now we're separate again.  Ah, but it was a good time.  We even managed to effect a hostile takeover of Prof. Althouse's blog.  (See here too!)

Things to make adventure movies better

If you haven't read the Evil Overlord List, it's worth wasting some time.  I remember getting it via e-mail several years ago, but the list has expanded to have 100 things that the author would do differently as an Evil Overlord, such as "I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation."

And then there's the Hero's List, which includes as a bonus, 50 things that Starfleet Captains should promise to do.

Have these spammers no shame?

First it was a "U.S. soldier" who offered me a deal to steal a bunch of Saddam Hussein's money, now it's one of his dead son's mistresses:

This mail will definitely be coming to you as a surprise, but i must crave your indulgence to introduce myself to you.

I am Miss Marah sadija, former mistress to the son (Qusay) of the Iraqi former leader, Saddam Hussein. I am an Ethiopian, by birth and i am presently in a refugee camp in Zimbabwe,where the living conditions are unbearable. I do not wish to take your time with a lenghty mail, but i have to put this proposal to you so that you can assist me.

While i was still in contact with Qusay,he made a deposit in my name to a security firm in London, which has an affiliate branch in Spain. This deposit was made in my name and the secret code and necessary documents are presently in the possession of an attorney presently in London. This deposit was made in the form of a consigment and the content is a considerable amount of money in United state dollars which i cannot disclose to you for security purposes, until you have confirmed your willingness to assist me.

I would be pleased and grateful to you if you could assist me incollecting [sic] this consignment on my behalf from the security firm in London, which i will be offering you a percentage for your efforts. The attorney in London, will arrange an authority to release and pay in your name which you will tender to the security firm coupled with all necessary documents that will back up your claims in collecting this consignment on my behalf.

I have to stop here now as your response will determine our subsequent corresspondence. [sic]

Please feel free to dis-regard this proposal if it is not in line with your principles. Allah bless you
marah  sadijah

Speaking of supporting our troops. . . .

I received the following e-mail today:

FROM: Sgt. John Mark Fitte
Important Message
To President / Managing Director

Good day,

My name is John Mark Fitte, I am an American soldier, I am serving in the military of the 1st Armored Division in Iraq, As you know we are being attacked by insurgents everyday and car bombs.We managed to move funds belonging to Saddam Hussien's family. The total amount is US$25 Million dollars in cash, mostly 100 dollar bills. We want to move this money to you, so that you may invest it for us and keep our share for banking.

We will take 50%, my partner and I. You take the other 50%. no strings attached, just help us move it out of Iraq, Iraq is a warzone.

We plan on using diplomatic courier and shipping the money out in one large silver box, using diplomatic immunity.

If you are interested I will send you the full details, my job is to find a good partner that we can trust and that will assist us.

Can I trust you? When you receive this letter, kindly send me an e-mail signifying your interest including your most confidential telephone/fax numbers for quick communication also your contact details. This business is risk free. The box can be shipped out in 48hrs.

Respectfully,

Sgt. John M. Fitte

Hmm, since Saddam seems to know who I am (I'm, er, pleased to be permalinked on his blog), I think I'll pass on this opportunity to take his money.

UPDATE (2/6): Saddam Hussein thinks he knows who's behind this scam!

Finally, the Oscars Get It Right

A priceless political cartoon about Bush and Blair, courtesy of The Times (UK):

Funny case names

In doing some research for an article I'm working on, I came across a case named United States v. Dolt, 27 F.3d 235 (6th Cir. 1994).  That reminds me of a pretty well-known mail fraud case,  Schmuck v. United States, 489 U.S. 705 (1989).

The (Star Wars) Emperor's Court: the estate of Greedo vs. Han Solo

Frequent commenter Law Monkey sent me a link to this hilarious website, containing a scan of a comic book depicting a "People's Court"-like case brought by Greedo's mom against Han Solo.  For those without the requisite nerdiness rating, Greedo is the green bounty hunter who tracks Solo (Harrison Ford) down in Star Wars, attempting to capture him for the bounty placed by Jabba the Hutt.  In the original version, Solo shoots Greedo first, but in the "Special Edition," Greedo fires first -- at POINT BLANK RANGE and MISSES -- and then Solo shoots him.

No kidding?

I'm not sure I agree that these ridiculous labels are the fault of "trial lawyers" (as the news story reports the spin by the contest's founders) so much as of people who are asking for their genes to be removed from the gene pool, but these labels are hilarious:

DETROIT - The sign on the toilet brush says it best: "Do not use for personal hygiene." That admonition was the winner of an anti-lawsuit group's contest for the wackiest consumer warning label of the year.

* * *

The $500 first prize went to Ed Gyetvai, of Oldcastle, Ontario, who submitted the toilet-brush label. A $250 second prize went to Matt Johnson, of Naperville, Ill., for a label on a children's scooter that said, "This product moves when used."

A $100 third prize went to Ann Marie Taylor, of Camden, S.C., who submitted a warning from a digital thermometer that said, "Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally."

L3's prediction for Kevin and me

Scott (the liberal one) at Life, Law, and Libido has predictions for a number of bloggers, including Kevin and me:

2) Kevin Jon Heller, of The Yin Blog fame, resolves to kick Kevin J. Heller's (of Tech Law Advisor fame) ass until he drops out of the blogosphere. Tung, still recovering from major gambling losses during his ill-advised wagering on Cal and Iowa to meet in the NCAA basketball championship, resolves to promote the battle as a prize fight so he can quit his job and enter next season's The Apprentice.

Hmm, interesting idea.  I better go read some of Trump's books so that I can defend myself in the boardroom if I'm asked how many employees he has (15,000, per Jenn Massey) or what his company's revenues were.  I guess I shouldn't mention that the one thing I do know is that his casinos filed for bankruptcy protection. . . .

You Think Your In-Box Is Bad?

That's nothing compared to Bill Gates -- who receives more than 4,000,000 spam e-mails a day, only 10 of which make it into his in-box.  Then again, most of us don't have an entire department dedicated to filtering out our junk mail...

Election 2004 meets "The Apprentice"

How I'd preferred to have gotten the election results:

It's the fourth year of the ultimate job interview, and Team Democrat and Team Republican were assigned the task of trolling for votes.  Team Republican chose George Bush as its Project Manager, and Team Democrat chose John Kerry.

Donald Trump: George [Ross, his senior advisor], how did Team Democrat do?

George Ross: Mr. Trump, Team Democrat did quite well, getting 55 million votes nationwide and 252 electoral votes, including our home state of New York's.

Trump: Impressive.  Carolyn, how did Team Republican do?

Carolyn Kuepcher: Mr. Trump, Team Republican also did well, getting over 58 million votes and 284 electoral votes.

Trump: Wow, more than 3 million votes difference.  Okay, Team Republican, you win, and your reward is you get to remake the Supreme Court over the next four years.  Bush, because you were the winning project manager, you are immune from the boardroom if your team loses in 2006.  Team Democrat, I'll see you back in the Boardroom, where someone is going to get fired.

Later that day. . . .

Trump: Kerry, you were the project manager.  What happened?  Why did you lose?

John Kerry: Well, Donald, thank you, and I'd like to take this opportunity to remind you that I volunteered for service in Vietnam, earning three Purple Hearts and many other awards.  The other project manager, on the other hand, --

Trump: Never mind that.  John Edwards, was Kerry a good project manager?

John Edwards: Mr. Trump, John Kerry was a terrific project manager.

Trump: Why weren't you the project manager?

Edwards: Mr. Trump, ah wanted to be the project manager, but the team selected John, and ah am a team player, so ah supported that decision.

Trump: Dan [Rather], don't you have some responsibility for this loss?

Dan Rather: I don't even know why you dragged me in here to put me on this team.  I'm a journalist.

Carolyn: (snorts) That kind of evasiveness is not going to get you hired here.   Your broadcast on "60 Minutes" about the so-called Killian memo was a transparent attempt to help Team Democrat.

Rather: I stand by the story.  No one has disputed the substance of the story, and there hasn't been any concrete proof that the memos were forged.

Carolyn: You just don't get it.

Trump: Howard [Dean], was Kerry a good project manager?

Howard Dean: I have to say, Mr. Trump, he was not.  He was indecisive.  First he was for the war in Iraq, then he was against it, then he was for the threat of it, but then he was against the conduct.  We would have won this challenge if I had been the project manager.

Kerry: Donald, if I may . . . you may not know, but I served in Vietnam, which Howard did not.  No one can fault him for having a bad back, but I think if you ask him, he would tell you that my service was more honorable.

Trump: Teresa [Heinz Kerry], did you think Kerry was a good project manager?

Teresa Heinz Kerry: Shove it.

Trump: Okay, Kerry, you can bring two or three with you into the boardroom.

Kerry: I'll bring three.  Dan, the Massachusetts Supreme Court, and Hilary Clinton.

Trump: Okay, the rest of you, go on back to the penthouse suite.

Soon thereafter. . . .

Trump: John Kerry, why is the Massachusetts Supreme Court here?

Kerry: Well Donald, I'm not sure what the Massachusetts Supreme Court was doing during the Vietnam War, for which I volunteered, and I faced deadly fire every day, but the day the court decided the Goodrich decision was seared into my memory, and it was an opinion that I supported before I was against it, because I favor civil unions but I oppose gay marriage, because gay marriage is against my Catholic beliefs.

Trump: But I thought you said you don't impose your beliefs on your constituents.

Kerry: That is why I voted against the Defense of Marriage Act.

Trump: Okay, but does Goodrich have to do with why you lost as project manager.

Kerry: Well Donald, I'd like to speak to that.  I think that if you ask voters in those battleground states in which there were ballot initiatives to ban gay marriage, you would find that many people were misled into believing they had to cast a vote for the President as well.

Massachusetts Supreme Court: It's ridiculous we're even in here.

Rather: I agree.

Trump: Dan, I'd love to fire you, especially because your network was too cheap to pick up The Apprentice.  Massachusetts Supreme Court, I'd like to fire you too because I bet you'd love to issue some ruling that hurts my business interests.  But John, you're fired.

Note to My Conservative Readers

I saw TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE this weekend. Not only can I not get the theme song( "America! F--K yeah! Gonna save the mother f--king day now!") out of my head, I absolutely loved Michael Moore infiltrating Mount Rushmore and blowing Team America's HQ up -- along with himself. Priceless. And I didn't exactly shed tears when the Sean Penn, Tim Robbins, Janeane Garafolo, and Helen Hunt puppets got wasted by our intrepid heroes.

See, I do have a sense of humor about the left.

Beavis and Butthead on Al Qaqaa

Prof. Muller has a hilarious post positing the reactions of Beavis and Butthead to the Al Qaqaa mess:

Butthead: "Dude. They vanished from al Qaqaa."

Beavis: "Heh-heh. Al Qaqaa. Heh-heh."

Butthead: "Cool."

Beavis: "Al Qaqaa. Al Qaqaa! Heh-heh."

Butthead: "The New York Times just said 'al Qaqaa.'"

Beavis: "Maybe they took the stuff over to al Peepee. Get it? Al Peepee. Heh-heh."

Butthead: "That's stupid, Beavis."

See, law profs do have senses of humor.

Here's a litigation reform you won't see proposed by either party

If the blogosphere were a library, then the Slithery D would be a kind of right-wing David Foster Wallace: the sheer energy of his ideas, however insane, is unmistakably compelling -- er, readable. Consider this litigation reform proposal that dueling replace the tort system:

Pros:

1. Lower pecuniary costs than litigation.

2. Greater emotional satisfaction for the successful party.

3. Probably fewer baseless disputes.

4. No possibility of jury bias.

5. Fun for spectators.

6. New research opportunities for legal scholars.

7. Stronger disincentive effects on bad behavior.

Cons:

1. Cowards and weaklings less likely to take up valid grievances, and may be picked on with baseless challenges to force settlement.

2. Outcomes slightly less correlated with the merits than in litigation.

Clearly, the benefits strongly outweigh the costs, and some form of dueling should be tried immediately.

Hmm, I'm not sure if Slithery D is looking for a clerkship, but it sounds like Judge Wayne Alley (WD Okla.) might be up his alley (ha ha), considering that said judge once wrote in an order, "This case makes me lament the demise of dueling." (source -- scroll down to foonote 4)

As I was reading this post, I found myself wondering about the choice of weapons, but Slithery D has even thought though that angle (chainsaws and flamethrowers), as well as the question of hired guns. I know that Slithery D is a fan of "Halo," but it seems like he's played too much "Doom" and "Quake" (or perhaps not, since nailguns weren't mentioned in his post. . . .)

So Much for Jurassic Park IV: The Prequel

Is nothing sacred? Not even the mighty T-Rex, star of stage and screen, can avoid metrosexuality these days:

The earliest known relative of the mighty Tyrannosaurus rex had primitive feathers, probably to help it keep warm. Researchers at the Chinese Academy of Sciences in Beijing found the remains of the early tyrannosauroid which roamed the earth between 139 and 128 million years ago, in western Liaoning, China, an area rich in fossil remains.

"This provides the first direct fossil evidence that tyrannosauroids had protofeathers," Xing Xu, one of the scientists, said in a report in the science journal Nature.

Poetic justice

An oldie but goodie, Jerry v. Larry:

Falwell took exception to Flynt's harsh ad,
Sued him for being an unrepentant cad.
The ad falsely claimed a night of drunken incest.
Had Jerry say, "Sex with mom was the best!"

Jerry was incensed, wanted Larry found liable.
But the court held, "Defamation? Not triable."
So Jerry thought hard, tried a new approach,
Claimed he felt sad, as low as a 'roach.

"That lowlife Larry, he meant to do this.
To ruin cruelly my preaching bliss.
Beyond his vilest dreams, he has succeeded.
So the harm to my ego can be deleted
Only if the Supreme Court grants me redress
For intentional infliction of emotional distress."

The Court for months solemnly reflected,
Then handed down an opinion, in a word: "Rejected.
You have to demonstrate actual malice."
Jerry's best claim sank with this legal ballast.

Larry was left free to make ribald parody
Proving that good taste was but a rarity.

- a summary of Hustler Magazine, Inc. v. Falwell, 485 U.S. 46 (1988)

Federal appellate arguments as sporting events

Article III Groupie's excellent idea about using reality TV models to reform the law clerk hiring process has reminded me of an idea I've had for a while. There's been a debate about whether federal courts should televise their proceedings. The obvious rejoinder is to point to the debacle known as the O.J. Simpson trial, but that was at the trial level. At the appellate level, there's no worry about nine-month long proceedings, no grandstanding for the jury, etc.

Think about it: an oral argument lasting 20 minutes to an hour would make a perfect "sporting" event. (Hey, if ESPN televises the World Series of Poker, why not?) You have the competitors -- the fearsome appellate litigators, about whom we can film those mini-featurettes that NBC deluged us with during the Olympics. Even better if they have a history of arguing against each other. [Cue cheesy Survivor "Eye of the Tiger" music. . . .]

You could have law professors, appellate litigators, law clerks, or even A3G herself offering color commentary. For example, when an advocate devotes too much time on a loser argument instead of conceding and moving on to a stronger point, the color person could chime in with something along the lines of, "When you're being paid $450 an hour, you can't make rookie mistakes like that! Punt and move on!"

Of course, most contests require referees -- and here the process is set up perfectly: the judges are the referees. I'm thinking that the presiding judge could serve as a sort of an umpire -- we could even give the presiding judge a yellow flag like the ones the football refs carry to signal penalties. When an oral advocate commits a foul, the presiding judge could toss the flag at the lawyer and call a penalty. The penalties would result in loss of argument time. Here are some I have in mind:

Personal Foul -- Unnecessary Roughness: Personal attacks on opposing counsel cost five minutes of argument time.

Illegal Procedure: Reliance upon facts outside the appellate record cost two minutes of argument time.

Delay of Argument: Too many "uhs," "ums," fumbling through the record to respond to a question, or other attempts to evade tough questions cost two minutes of argument time.

Encroachment: Straying from the lectern and coming too close to the appellate bench -- a big No-No, loss of ten minutes of argument time.

Illegal Shift: Shifting one's legal position from the brief to a new one at the oral argument costs ten minutes of argument time.

Illegal Holding: Misstating the holding of controlling authority costs five minutes of argument time; of persuasive authority, two minutes.

Of course, there would be no instant replay, but I'm sure the TV crew would show replays of the offending behavior.

What would make for even better TV would be if the advocate -- or better yet, the client -- would come storming from the pews to protest a penalty. (I'm mixing baseball and football here, but bear with me.) Maybe the advocate or client would toss a sheaf of papers, briefs, etc. toward the bench. Or throw some chairs Bobby Knight-style. A really enterprising client would bring in some dirt to dump on the courtroom floor and kick it all over (especially toward opposing counsel). Naturally, the presiding judge would be able to eject the client or advocate -- and to have the Court Security Officers (i.e., the bailiffs) haul the client or advocate out. There would even be a clubhouse for the person to retire to (only we call them MDC or MCC).

The biggest barrier to implementing this proposal, of course, is getting federal circuit judges to agree. On the one hand, they get more ways to control and torment attorneys, which would seem to be a desirable thing. On the other hand, they may fear that, like referees, they'll be seen as bland and nondescript. Fear not! The most colorful referees stand out, such as American League baseball umpire Ron Luciano (who used to point his finger at baserunners and "shoot them" as he called them out).

Meanwhile, the benefits to Americans would be more interest in and appreciation of the workings of our federal courts.

(Note: in case any future Senate Judiciary Committee staff members find some cache of this post in the year 2020 or something, I'm just kidding.)

This Is Just Gross

Is there no limit to human ingenuity?

Company Making Fake Urine for Research

LENEXA, Kan. - Synthetic urine, which sounds like something more likely to generate snickers than sales, is turning into a small success for a Kansas company.

Dyna-Tek Industries, a company bought by Kevin Dyches and his wife, Sandra, five years ago, has developed synthetic urine for the research industry.

One of their first customers is the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (news - web sites), which made a big purchase this summer and has hinted it could be a major buyer long into the future. Other research institutions and laboratories are also looking into Dyna-Tek's product, called Surine.

In other news, BALCO stock went through the roof today...

Think the Judge was Surprised?

Here's something you don't see every day:

Criminals Thank Judge for Jail Time

LONDON (Reuters) - Two criminals showed their polite side on Friday when they thanked the judge after he sent them to jail for six years each for converting hundreds of blank-firing guns into lethal weapons.

As Judge David Paget sentenced Stephen Herbert, 47, and Gary Beard, 46, one of them called out with a smile: "Thank you judge, that's lovely." The other was heard to mutter: "We got away with that one." Their crimes could have attracted maximum penalties of 10 years.

Such nice people, the British.

The Governator vs. the Gubernator

Earlier in response to my post about the Governator's speech at the RNC, Prof. Bainbridge commented that I'd been out of California for too long, as Arnold's "proper" title was the Gubernator, not the Governator. Prof. Bainbridge was sufficiently motivated to poll his readers, the majority of whom agreed with me.

I'm of course hesitant to disagree on matters with Prof. Bainbridge, but I have to say, the Gubernator is just not an impressive sounding title. I mean, it sounds like he's the king of the goobers or something. And apparently there was a character on a TV show called Goober Pyle (related to Gomer Pyle).

Whereas the Governator sounds like he's ready to mow down the opposition. As in, I'm going to Governate you!

Not Arthur Anderson!

(Warning: cheap joke at the expense of a former Big 5 accounting firm ahead)

I realize the Florida Democrats might still be upset at Theresa LePore, the Palm Beach Country elections chief who created the infamous "butterfly ballot" used in the 2000 election. But doesn't it seem that you should be able to get someone not named Arthur Anderson to run against LePore?!?

(Yes, I realize that the other one is Arthur Andersen or even just Andersen but still . . . .)

Who's Next -- Dana Carvey?

Okay, this whole celebrity-turned-governor thing is getting out of control. Jesse "the Body" Ventura, Schwarzenegger... and now Joe Piscopo?

Wicked political humor

A friend of mine passes along this link to a pretty funny animated political satire that skewers Bush and Kerry.

WARNING: At least PG-13 for language and a bondage scene reminiscent of "Deliverance" and "Pulp Fiction." Possibly not work-safe.

In the Spirit of Fairness and Equality...

What's far more surprising is that I'm fairly normal, too...

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	Low
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Low
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Posted by Kevin Jon Heller on July 19, 2004 at 11:16 PM in Humor | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBack June 29, 2004 No self-promotion by Yahoo. . . . Yahoo! just sent me an e-mail to my Yahoo! e-mail account. Yahoo! classified its own e-mail as spam and placed it in the Bulk Mail. Posted by Tung Yin on June 29, 2004 at 11:48 AM in Humor | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack May 31, 2004 From the "Your 15 Minutes of Fame Are Soooooo Over" Dept. Is this serious? William Hung, of "American Idol" infamy, "sang" the national anthem at the ballgame between the Toronto Blue Jays and Texas Rangers yesterday? And the Blue Jays actually wanted him to sing on opening night?!? Then again, this is the Toronto Blue Jays we're talking about. Maybe this is just a Canadian attempt to get back at the United States . . . . Oh well, I suppose it couldn't have been worse than many of these renditions, including the Roseanne Barr "crotch grab" performance in San Diego. Posted by Tung Yin on May 31, 2004 at 11:10 AM in Humor, Pop Culture, Reality TV, Sports | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBack May 25, 2004 The "Dear Saddam" column? "Saddam Hussein" answers my question about whether the former Baath general now running Fallujah is a turncoat or a mole. Plus, he gives me advice on raising a child! Posted by Tung Yin on May 25, 2004 at 10:43 AM in Humor | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack April 10, 2004 From the Dept. of Redundancies Dept. Still busy with the little one, but I thought I'd share this little bit of silliness from the Iowa Dept. of Public Health's Official Worksheet to Establish Legal Certificate of Live Birth: Notice that the form must be signed by the mother of the infant. Why, then, does the form ask for the signatory's "relation to child"?!? Posted by Tung Yin on April 10, 2004 at 09:57 PM in Humor, Iowa | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBack