Happy Birthday, Dad!
OFFTOPIC RAMBLING: As if there weren't enough outside factors conspiring against my production of timely SmackDown! content, A&E has been replaying Season 1 of "Murder One" on Thursday nights. THIS was *easily* the best show on television back in....what, 1995?...when it first aired. Unfortunately, the only people who watched it were TV critics, myself and Dave Scherer, so it bit the dust after two seasons. The block of 24 episodes closed out tonight, so I should at least start an hour earlier...well, in theory, anyway.
FLAMEBAIT QUOTE: "That's the problem with women's lib...equal pay? All for it! Equal opportunity? Absolutely! SHUT UP." Graham Kerr (paraphrased), 1971
PROMISE OF THINGS TO COME: Lest you think my life revolves *completely* around television (and don't think that it *doesn't* - at least with no 'Net at home), and because it's in the standard personality profile of ALL recappers that they fancy themselves amateur music critics, I promise that I'll soon reveal my "Best of 2000" release list Real Soon Now. Any last-second freebies out there? (You'd be surprised how often this DOESN'T work...still...)
CONTINUING SAGA: No, you read right - my apartment's network is STILL down, thank you very much. Fourteen days and rising! Pacific Bell is sending over some new techs tomorrow because I LIVE to fill my Fridays with telecom maintenance as opposed to, you know, pretending to go out and have a life.
AND FINALLY: You haven't LIVED until you've heard Ted Koppel say "Hip Hop: Is there DUTY behind the BOOTY?" on Nightline. You might want to tape it tomorrow night just in case he does it again.
Damn, my life DOES revolve around television. God bless America!
Anybody who complains about too-long openers needs to consider I haven't done this in a LOOOOOOOONG time (letters don't count, silly)
The Rock Says Layeth the Smacketh Down If Ya Smell IF YA SUHMELLLLL What The Rock What The Rock Is Cooking Smell It U P N UPN Thursday!
TV-PG-DLV One World Leader WWF Smackdown UPN Attitude - WWF!
Straight to the close captioned logo and opening credits
PYRO BRIGHT - SMACKDOWN! TONIGHT! Coming to you on tape from the *historic* Freedom Hall in where? Tom Jackson: "Louisville." 7.9.2K (taped 5.9) and en espanol donde sea disponible - HEY! We got some GRAPHICS tonight! Booya! TONIGHT: Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Rikishi vs. Chris Benoit! Eddie Guerrero vs. Road Dogg with IC gold on the line! Triple H vs. T&A in a Handicap match! The Acolytes vs. the Dudley Boyz in a Bar Room Brawl! All this and STONE COLD!
Your host is MICHAEL KING COLE - Jerry Lawler isn't here due to an injury he suffered Monday - but wait, that's the King's music playing right now!
Coming out, carrying a crown, smiling and waving - this is TAZZZZZ. Let Us Take You Back to RAW where Lawler was taken down from behind by a leather strap - Tazz choked the very life out of him, and it looks like we have a new colour commentator tonight. He's a thug! He'll show him ANYBODY can do THIS job...
CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO v. X-PAC DOESN'T JOB IN SINGLES MATCHES - Tazz asks that he be referred to as "King Tazz" and starts out by comparing Mideon to Cole's wife - I think. I couldn't really hear his commentary buried in the crowd response to Jericho. Tazz keeps talking, and punctuating his comments with random laughter to accentuate what a funny guy he is - and if you don't believe him, just listen. Tazz is reminding me of the ICP on commentary - that's not a *good* comparison, by the way. Will Jericho *finally* get a clean win over this guy? Tazz (as JR): "Jericho, a 27-time All American over there at Fred River Community College..." Lockup, waistlock by Jericho, reversal, Jericho puts him through the ropes to the outside. Stone Cold tonight! X-Pac back in - lockup, side headlock by Jericho - gutshot by X-pac, right, into the ropes, shoulderblock by Jericho. Off the ropes, up and over leapfrog by X-Pac, chop by Jericho. Arm wringer - right by X-Pac. Off the ropes, dueling hiptosses, flippy flippy by Jericho, clothesline by Jericho. Spinning heel kick puts X-Pac down. Springing to the top rope - springboard dropkick puts X-Pac on the floor! Baseball slide misses, X-Pac puts him into the barricade, back elbow stops the followup charge, but X-Pac manages a spinning heel kick. Tazz: "I'm surprised they pay you to do this - you suck. You know, my back is startin' to hurt just carryin' your..." Both men back in the ring - X-Pac on him with clubbing blows to the back of the head and neck. Jericho punching back. Into the ropes, reversal, sleeper by X-Pac. X-Pac grinding it in with his right hand. Jericho elbowing out - into the ropes - Jericho with a sleeper! X-Pac counters with a death suplex. Referee "Blind" Chad Patton puts on the count - both men up at 4 - X-pac with a right, Jericho punches back. X-Pac ducks a clothesline and hits his trademark kick trifecta. Broncobuster coming up - finds the mark. X-Pac poses on the second rope above Jericho - Jericho pops up and powerbombs him down. Jericho with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, X-Pac tries a clothesline, but X-Pac ducks it and Jericho manages a KO right. X-Pac back up, whip is reversed, Jericho with a flying jalapeno. Bulldog! Cover, leg is hooked - 2. Chop. Elbows. X-Pac tries a clothesline, but it's ducked. Jericho's enzuigiri misses. Gutshot by X-Pac, X Factor attempt countered with a powerbomb - Lionsault coming up - no, hit the knees! X-Pac flips over with a cover - 1, 2, Jericho manages to roll a shoulder, because he's too late wtih the bridge - but there it is - dueling backslide attempts...X-Pac's trick knee acts up and Jericho crumples. X-Pac hits the backslide and puts the feet on the ropes for good measure. 1, 2, 3. X-Pac never jobs in singles matches - but never mind that, *obviously* the MAN is trying to hold Jericho DOWN. Right? (5:03)
Kurt Angle visits the commish - he has a problem with last Monday's booking of a triple threat match. Somehow, Foley interprets his "subliminal" language as a request to wrestle the Undertaker - which he grants. Oof, we're gonna see Kurt job in three minutes again to this guy? Let's hope not!
Commentators shill "The Hughleys" - with Tazz reading Lawler's part. "We got castles in the same neighbourhood!"
EDGE & CHRISTIAN hit the ring, flush with the heady feeling of a victory over the Rock Monday. "Now, we could come oot here and brag about our Monday night win over the Rock and Undertaker - or as we like to call them, the Rockertaker. But we're not the bragging types. So instead of giving you fine people a brand new pose, we're going to give you all a history lesson. We're going to teach America all about the great city of Louisville. Now, as we all know, Louisville is in Kentucky." "Edge, um, uh, I'm sorry to interrupt you there, but speaking of Kentucky, I believe it was Lexington, Kentucky on Monday night when we so totally beat the Rock and Undertaker - and I covered the Rock for the three count! Can we take a look at that footage please?" Several angles of the pinfall. "Christian, that's great, but we're not oot here to gloat - we're here to educate. Now, a great innovation was introduced to Louisville in 1996, when soap was used for the very first time!" Now, you might not think that's funny...but if you listen to Tazz go into hysterics IMMEDIATELY afterwards, it *instantly* becomes five - no, TEN times funnier! (That's not even sarcasm, folks!) "And, uh, speaking of soap, remember that time we got a totally clean win over the Undertaker and Rock on RAW, and I got the cover? Huh? Let's look at that footage again in slow motion!" Cole busts out "stop the pain" as we watch it again in slow motion. Crowd: "Rock E!" "Christian, that's great - but this isn't about us - this is about Louisville! Ha, you're right, this IS about us - show 'em the footage from a NEW angle!" Tazz is ready to die laughing. "These guys aren't a trip - they're the whole vacation!" "Aw, dude, this totally rules - one more time!" IF YA SMELLLLLL oh I guess the Rock has had enough. Tazz lets us know he hates the Rock - point for Tazz. Tazz points out that if tried to wear that shirt in Red Hook, he'd get punked AND mugged AND some words he can't say on a TV-PG rated show. "Rock E!" Tazz: "Yeah, he's been standing there for ten minutes now - yeah HE'S electrifyin'." "Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to Louisville! Now you two jabrones come out here running your mouths, showing your footage, well let the Rock get right to the point. Christian, did you beat the Rock on Monday night 1, 2, 3? Yes, you did. Did you do it by yourself? No you didn't - not by a long shot. So let the Rock get right to the point - he wants you - AND you - tonight." "Rock... Rock..." Crowd: "Rock E!" "Rock, I understand you may still be a little woozy from that double chair shot - the Conchairto - on Monday night, but that's never gonna happen." "Yeah, there's no way we're going to ruin our 'undefeated against the Rock in Kentucky' streak, but...but wait. Christian - Christian, do you smell something? Rock, Rock, can you...smell it? That's us - totally reeking of awesomeness!" They share a high five as the Rock...breaks into a grin? "Hahahaha - let the Rock understand this - did you just say you reek of awesomeness? Is that your new...catchphrase? Itdoesn'tmatterifthat'syournewcatchphrase!! Let the Rock give you a more accurate description - a more accurate catchphrase that fits the both of you. You two SOOO totally, absolutely, unconditionally, positively reek of Grade-A Kentucky Derby horse(beep)!" "Rock E!" "Okay, Rock...you want your handicap match? Fine! But only under one condition. Instead of us tagging in and out, it's both of us in the ring at the same time." "No problem." "'ey - wait a minute - just a second. The only way *we'll* get in the ring with you, is if we're in the ring at the same time...AND your World Wrestling Federation heavyweight championship is on the line." "You two in the ring at the same time with the Rock? No problem. The Rock's WWF title on the line? No problem. But you two jabrones come out here running your mouths, talkin' about the past. Well the Rock wants to talk about the future. Let the Rock take out his magical, invisible crystal ball. He sees Edge...he sees Christian...good news, you're still WWF tag team champions - but hold on, it's a little foggy...(shakes it)...ah there it is, clear as crystal. It's a picture of the Rock whipping both your monkey(beep) all over Louisville! IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL what the Rock is cookin'!"
Meanwhile, we see that the Helmsleys have been watching from their dressing room. Stephanie accuses Rock of just copying Triple H, who has a handicap of his own tonight - when he'll stand up for his wife by taking on BOTH members of T&A! What a copycat! "Don't you worry, baby - he'll never even be HALF the man you are." Big hug. Aie! Get me outta here!
"Divas: Postcard from the Caribbean," "Tables Ladders & Chairs" and "WrestleMania 2000: the DVD" ad
Chris Jericho is saved from ...something or other...by Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Beef Ravioli
Check out the Have a Nice Day Cafe' - Cole speculates that this is the site of our Bar Room Brawl.
Going inside, we see that the Acolytes are already there. Bradshaw says he gave them directions. They've been doing some drinking and Faarooq worries that he'll be drunk as hell by the time they show up. Bradshaw: "Look, they stupid but they ain't cowards - they'll be here."
Let Us Take You Back to RAW where Kaientai's interference went awry - oh my! The Dudleyz won Monday's table match.
RIKASHMONEY v. CHRIS BENOIT - TONIGHT: Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Tazz says Benoit is the only guy he has respect for - when he slammed that door on his arm, he opened his eyes and brought him back to the street. Holy crap, between this and picking up the "who ran over Stone Cold" angle, I'm in continuity HEAVEN! GOD DAMN I LOVE THE WWF Gutshot, right, right, right, right, kick, kick, kick, kick, Rikishi says "enough" and shoves him away. Shoo fly! Benoit back on him - kick, right, right, kick, chop, chop, 'kishi shoves him away again. Big right from the big man. Right hand. Into the ropes, clothesline. Scoop...and a slam. Off the ropes - drumstick drop! Running clothesline in the corner - Benoit has nowhere to go. Benoit flumps down - and Rikishi perks up. Geez, it's only been a minute - we're going to the stinkface already? Benoit with the very technical "slide out under the bottom rope to the floor." Rikishi outside to follow. Block, right. Whip is reversed, gutshot by Benoit, and Rikishi is put into the STEEL steps. Stomp, stomp, put back in the ring. Crowd works up a "Raw Kee Shee" chant. Benoit with an elbow. DEATH SUPLEX!! Benoit says that's it and goes up top. Swandive headbutt...HITS! Benoit covers and hooks the leg - 1, 2, no! Benoit complains of a slow count from referee "Blind" Teddy Long, but that usually doesn't work. Elbow. Into the corner sternum first, gutshot, NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX!! for 2. (Or, if you're Cole, "German suplex" - Tazz is quick to correct him - Tazz now rules) Benoit going up top again - but Rikishi meets him and knocks him off the turnbuckle. Oh no! His fringy thing has fallen off! Rikishi with a BELLY-to-belly suplex...for 2. "Was that the right suplex, belly-to-belly?" "Yeah, you called it right - oh, you gettin' smart-alecky on me." Benoit put into the ropes, head down, sunset flip attempt - but Rikishi drops the fat ass...for ONLY 2!! Rikishi poised - Benoit runs into a Samoan Drop. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, kickout!! Benoit staggers to the corner - Rikishi warms it up and backs it up with a phat ass splash. We see WALL BUCHANAN running out - aw shit - one punch puts him back on the floor. Long occupies himself with Buchanan as Benoit runs into a superkick. Rikishi up for the Banzai Drop - now apparently known as the Rump Shaker - but GOODFATHER is out now, and on the apron. Rikishi over to meet *him* with a big right hand, right, right, and Goodfather hits the floor. Benoit, recovered, clubs him from behind a few times - GERMAN SUPLEX - bridging for the 1, 2, 3. Benoit wins! THEY'RE HOLDING THE CANADIANS BACK, I SAY!! (4:28) The RTC guys quickly swarm Riksihi with a doubleteam stompin' post-match and all is right with the world for about ten seconds...then TOO COOL come out, knocking over Benoit on their way down, hit the ring and wipe out Goodfather and Buchanan...until Benoit hits the ring, gets a blind shot on each, and turns the tide in favour of the RTC. Tazz says "stompin' a mudhole in him" five or six times, then punctuates it with "and walkin' it dry! AHHHAHAHAHA"
Here's A Special Video Look at the suddenly deteriorating relationship between Chyna and Eddie...thanks to a surprising finish to Monday's Triple Threat IC title match.
Commentators wonder whether Guerrero maybe DID mean to pin Chyna on Monday after all. Tazz: "9th Wonder my butt!" Cole says the unblinking eye of the WWF camera caught a private moment 'twixt the unhappy couple earlier today...
Earlier Today, the unblinking eye of the WWF camera caught a private moment 'twixt the unhappy couple earlier today. "Chyna, Mami, this is ridiculous." "No, it's not ridiculous, Eddie. I'd like an explanation. All the phone calls - 'I luv you, Mamacita.' The puppy - the flowers - all a big fat lie, right?" "What are you talking about, Mami?" "What am I talking about, Eddie? I'm talking about the footage that I saw from RAW last Monday night when you were smiling when I hugged you, Eddie - I saw it!" "Okay - that smile - that smile was because you'd forgiven me. I mean, that's all it was...I promise!" "I don't believe you, Eddie. Let me tell you something! You are the first person I've ever let into my heart - you know that?" "No." "I would have given you that title - I would have given you ANYTHING." "No." "I wanted to build my future with you, Eddie." "No." "And all YOU wanted to do was build your career." "No!" "Yes, Eddie - you used me - you used me to get to the top and you stepped on me in the process." "NO!" "Congratulations - and you know what? You broke my heart...I thought that you loved me...but you only love that title around your waist." "No. How can you stand there and talk to me like this? After everything that I've done for you - I've given up my friends, my family, my own personal WANTS...in my life...for YOU! And you...come to me with this? And talk to me like this? Ha - I don't think so! Okay? This is what it's all about, is it, huh? you think this means something to me, don't you? Don't you? You think I want this? You know what - (throwing it against the wall) HAVE YOUR BELT! Okay? (hurls a chair) I don't NEED it!" "You're scaring me! Stop it!" "Scare what? What are you talking about? Huh? I mean, I put up with you, with - everything! TV! Yeah - Jay Leno - you were on there three times! (tosses plant) When was *I* ever mentioned? ME! Huh? When?" "I'm sorry..." "Third Rock from the Sun, where's Eddie? Nowhere to be found!" "I'm sorry..." "Your magazine, I wasn't even in one page!" "...sorry..." " ...and you can STAND there and say that me - Eddie - is neglecting you LOOKIT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU! You know what I wanna know, I wanna know one thing, Chyna - huh? - are you gonna be behind me like I was with you? Huh? Are you gonna be behind me tonight when I take on your good friend Road Dogg? Are you gonna be behind me when I take on the Rock on down the line in my career? You know what, 'cause if not - here's the door! Here's the door right now! Yeah, I thought so, you know what - take your attitude - take your lack of trust - and get outta my life!" He leaves Chyna in a sobbing heap in a corner. (Warning: sensitive readers may wish to avoid the rest of this paragraph and move on past the next ad break) (Warning: possibly offensive editorialisation follows - skip to the next paragraph if you get offended easily) (Warning: this is the final warning) Bitch got what she deserved!
Yes we ARE in Louisville and yes Star Jones IS a lawyer. Right to Censor and Too Cool take on tag team action later tonight!
Earlier Today, and also Moments Ago - Eddie acted circles around Chyna there, I'm sorry to say
Back to the Have a Nice Day Cafe' we go...
And inside...Faarooq again suggests taking off lest he get too drunk. "I'll be damned." "Ah hell." Here come the Dudleyz...and they've brought a table. How nice of them! "Hey, somebody order a table for two?" Instead of having a pre-match drink, the fracas breaks out, and it's ON!
ACOLYTES v. THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ in a Bar Room Brawl - bust out the sugar glass, it's Hollywood special effects time, baby! Did someone say breakway stools? At least we know the steel chairs don't give. Bradshaw puts D-Von through a cardboard wall. Buh-Buh Ray ends up going through his own table. Some indy worker - I mean "drunk guy" walks up to Faarooq to congratulate him - and HE gets popped. Yeah - FAAROOQ IS THE MAN SO HIT YER KNEES AND START PRAYIN' - Bradshaw: "Beer's on me, I knocked out the bartender!" Hmm, that was (about 1:00) - what a waste of our time.
Our commentators have some more enlightened debate - until JERRY LAWLER appears in the front row behind them and garrotes Tazz with a leather strap. True to form, Tazz also ends up tangled in the cord of his headset. Tazz and Lawler go at it until the standard complement of REFS & OFFICIALS manage the pullapart. Cole: "This rivalry didn't end at SummerSlam - they're just getting started!" Hmmm...
Chyna shills Stacker 2 - see, she'll be single soon, and...
As Lawler's music plays, the King takes a bow. Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago...just in case you missed it. Lawler tries on Tazz' glasses while he's there.
THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie Ono) v. T&A (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model) in a handicap match - Let Us Take You Back to RAW where Test rekindled the smouldering embers of an issue that ... hmm, my metaphor just slipped away there. Stephanie with a mocking halloo for Test, who starts out. Albert, on the apron, manages to catch Hunter's eye (no, not like that), allowing Test to get in first right, right, right, right, right, right, kick, kick, kick, right, referee "Blind" Mike Chioda manages to get Test to PLEASE take it out of the corner. Into the ropes, reversal, H clotheslines him down. Right, right, right, right, into the opposite corner, reversed, H ducks a clothesline attempt and hits the hangman's neckbreaker. Test tags out. H ducks a clothesline, right, right, right, head to the buckle, right, into the opposite corner - nope, Albert plays immovable object and puts H back in the original corner - big boot, right, right, kick, right, right, right, into the opposite corner, got him in the double choke, but H thwarts the Albertbomb attempt with an eye gouge. Backstage, Kurt Angle is watching the Magic Window. H ducks a right, hits a right of his own, right, off the ropes, but Albert catches him in a press - into an over-the-shoulder Falcon Arrow! Test wants the tag...and gets it. Big right hand. Right. Right. Right, right, kick, kick, kick, standing on the neck. Test and Chioda have a little scuffle, which ends when Chioda points to the WWF patch on his zebra shirt. Test stalks back over - oops, ran into a gutshot. Right, right, right, Test ducks the next one and hits the full nelson atomic drop. Test pointing to Stephanie - hey, I think he called her a slut - well, I never! Cover, leg is hooked - 2. Right hand by Test. Right, right, Test backs up and pulls in Chioda for a close discussion of the appalling customer service some telecoms give you these days, while behind Chioda's back, Albert works over Helmsley. Big face rake by Albert. Test stands him back up, but H blocks the punch and hits one of his own - back elbow for Albert - right for Test, back elbow for Albert, right for Test, right, Albert pulls H down by the hair. That's what happens when you mess with the rotation! Chioda takes great umbrage and Albert tells him what he thinks about that. Test with a right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp - standing on the neck. Tag to Albert. Stomp, stomp, into the ropes, head down, H manages a DDT. Hey, if the one guy beats the two guys, what does that say about logic? H covers...Test breaks it up at 2. Test on him - right, right, right, right. Albert over to help him whip H into the opposite corner. Do si do whip is sidestepped and Albert eats turnbuckle as H clotheslines Test! Albert tries again, H ducks the clothesline and hits the high knee. Kick for Test, right, right, right, right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, standing on the knee - do you, too, see patterns coalesce before your very eyes? Albert with an uppercut. Into the ropes, head down, H with a facebuster. All three men in the ring and down. H to his feet - Albert getting up - H ready to come off the ropes with some move probably involving a knee, but Stratus pulls the ankle and trips him up instead. H gets up, turns around, and grabs himself two handfuls of blonde hair and pulls upward. With Stratus on the apron and H's back to the action, it might not be a surprise that she gets saved when Albert hits the running splash, smooshing H's breastplate into the top turnbuckle. Albert's gettin' smart - he didn't announce his arrival on the way like he normally does! There's the Albert whip into Test's big boot. Trish and Chioda engaged in a lively debate on the merits of President Clinton's estate tax repeal veto, and Stephanie's finally had enough of the referee missing out on the doubleteam taking place behind him - SHE'S over and yanking on an ankle - and there's a slap! But Test is outside and *he's* got a handful of hair. Will he put a move on her of a different kind? He wants to powerbomb her on the floor (!) but KING KURT ANGLE is quickly out to make a save, putting Test into the STEEL steps. As he goes to check on Stephanie, Albert grabs HIM and pulls him onto the apron - but Angle drops down and gives Albert a hot shot - and he just *happens* to rebound into a Triple H gutshot...and Pedigree. Chioda, having managed to keep his back to EVERYTHING but H and Albert, drops down to count the 1, 2, 3. (5:31) Well, it took two to beat two, so I guess I can't complain. Stephanie is appropriately grateful to Angle, who makes "yo, I feel you" hand motions while backing up the ramp. Stephanie tells her husband what just happened...he doesn't look ready to offer his thanks.
Backstage, Road Dogg tries to offer some support to Chyna, who is STILL running the water works. "Road Dogg, I just want you to understand. Eddie's right, I need to be more supportive - I need to be in his corner. I just want you to understand..." Here's where Eddie comes out, sees what's going on, and kicks a garage door. "Aw, man! I knew it! What the heck is goin' on?" Dogg: "Eddie, we're just friends! We been friends a long time, relax!" "Hey listen - just mind your own business, okay? I'm not talking to you - I'm talking to her! And here's the deal - are you in your FRIEND'S corner, or are you in mine?" "I'm in yours!" "Well then let's go. And, by the way, we're NEXT, so I'll take care of you in the ring!"
Moments Ago, Kurt Angle snuck out and saved Stephanie. Cole wants to know what his angle is...of course, he's not clever enough to say it THAT way...
In the dressing room, Stephanie reminds her husband that Kurt is their friend and beams about how he totally helped her (and him) out just now. "I don't need Kurt Angle's help. I do not need it today - nor will I ever need anything from Kurt Angle, I had that match totally in control." "Oh yeah? Well where were you when Test had me and almost powerbombed me." "Don't even go there, Steph. Don't be ridiculous, just don't even go there."
WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: ROAD DOGG (with RC Edge presents Unforgiven!) v. EDDIE GUERRERO (with That Slut Chyna) - Dogg tells Eddie that in his familia, Chyna's like his sister, so unless he's scared of men, he best "vaminos, loco." Dogg goes to part the ring ropes for Chyna on her way out, and Guerrero decides to attack him there. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, right, right, right, stomp, referee "Blind" Jack Doan gets him out of the corner - briefly. Back on him with a right. European uppercut. Into the ropes, Dogg ducks the back elbow and hits one of his own. Flying forearm, breakdancing, elbowdrop...for 2. Into the ropes, reversed, Dogg ducks the clothesline - left, left, left, juke, jive, Guerrero dropkicks the knee before he can throw that right. Clever of him! Stomp. Guerrero drops an elbow on the knee. Outside, and back in with the trademark rolling senton on the knee. Guerrero tosses Dogg outside, then shoves Doan. As they have a mostly one-way conversation about the WWF patch on Doan's shirt, Chyna has the opportunity to put some blows in on Road Dogg...but doesn't take advantage of it. Guerrero goes to the apron, then outside, with a...well, maybe an axehandle, I dunno. Maybe just a mistake and he forgot to do something while he was landing, wink wink. Stomp, stomp, Guerrero turns to Chyna...who grins. Another stomp for the Dogg. Rolled back in, stomp, Guerrero grabs the leg and rams the knee hard into the canvas. Got the leg again - and now wrenching it back in a deathlock. Guerrero leans backwards *again* while keeping on the toehold. Guerrero breaks it for no apparent reason. Into the ropes, but a hobbling Road Dogg reverses it and catches Guerrero in a sleeper! Guerrero turns into it and falls backwards with the death suplex. Both men slow to get up - Dogg with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, right, right, into the ropes, backdrop, clothesline, Dogg's on fire, pumphandle...but Guerrero elbows him in the mush. Guerrero tries a clothesline but Dogg ducks it - back to the left, left, left, juke, jive, right HITS this time, off the ropes...but Chyna half-heartedly grabs his ankle to stop him from the wiggly wiggly knee. Chyna with the "hey what else can I do" look for Dogg - he wants more, but shouldn't be turning his back like that. Eddie up from behind - Dogg with a back elbow to shove him away. Gutshot, small package - 1, 2, Chyna reaches through the ropes and rolls it the other way - 1, 2, 3! Guerrero retains. (4:21) She apologises to Road Dogg, but I don't think he's ready to buy it - well, he keeps up the conversation long enough for Guerrero to come up from behind and waffle him with the title belt. Guerrero stomping away until Chyna pulls him off. "That's enough." Guerrero begs off and motions to the ropes. As Chyna goes to leave, Guerrero grabs the belt and whacks Dogg one more time for good measure. Back to the stomping - Chyna turns around and begs him to stop. Eddie *shoves her away.* Eddie's cool. Chyna must be wondering why she left Chris Jericho.
And now, the WWF Boot of the Week - brought to you by LUGZ! From Earlier Tonight (aka Moments Ago), Chyna reversed a small package on behalf of Eddie Guerrero, leading to a pin. In thanks, Guerrero wiped the mat with Road Dogg post-match.
Here's an exciting exterior shot of the dazzling Freedom Hall...and their famous non-blooming rosebush. Tonight, SmackDown! is brought to you by Stacker 2, RC Edge (mit superstar postern!), and Bally Total Fitness - fitness for girls with NIPPLES
TOO COOL (with Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight) v. RIGHT TO CENSOR (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) - Stone Cold to come! Conspicuous by his absence is Steven Richards...who must apparently still be brainwashing Val Venis somewhere. Pier Four Brawl to start, but referee "Blind" Tim White gets it to Goodfather & Sexay. Head to the buckle by Goodfather, right, off the ropes, back elbow, Goodfather off the ropes, his elbow drop misses. Sexay right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, but Sexay springs off the second rope with a crossbody for 1. Bit of a dance, whip is reversed and Goodfather hits a short clothesline. Tag to Buchanan. Right, into the ropes, Sexay slides under, gutshot, tag both men drive his head to the mat - double pattycake elbowdrop. Cole welcomes STS Television in Russia to the SmackDown! worldwide network - call me crazy, but I have a sneaky suspicion Cole gets overdubbed in Russian over there, rendering his welcome moot (anybody in Russia reading this?). Hotty does a bit too much struttin', and by the time he gets back to Buchanan, HE takes charge with a rigth, right, right, left, into the opposite corner, Hotty up and down...onto Buchanan's shoulder. Hotty wriggles free - right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Hotty slides under, gutshot, swinging neckbreaker, remove the lid, moonwalk, right, into the ropes is reversed - Goodfather puts a foot in the back, Buchanan with one in the front - there's a suplex. Buchanan off the ropes with a superfluous scissor legdrop. Tag to Goodfather. Into the ropes, double back elbow. Sexay cheerleading - rhythmic clap starts up. Goodfather with a bodyslam, but Hotty slips the Vaderbomb attempt and makes the HOT TAG! Sexay with a right, right, right, into the ropes, Goodfather catches the boot, Sexay with an enzuigiri. Buchanan comes in, Sexay ducks a clothesline and dropkicks him. Hotty in - both members of Too Cool run at Goodfather and clothesline him to the outside. Buchanan's double clothesline is ducked, double gutshot, a bit of "hey, c'mon, move into position," off the ropes, two heads down so Buchanan kicks Hotty, punches Sexay and takes him to the corner, but Sexay avoids the splash while Hotty comes off the rope with the bulldog, and it must be time for the...nope, Goodfather intercepts him in mid-Worm and hits with the no-longer-a-Pimp Drop. He covers, but Sexay has the goggles on - and there's the Still-a-Hip Hop Drop. Buchanan comes over and lowers the boom with a scissors kick. Goodfather covers, but White is STILL more interested in keeping Buchanan out of the ring. Now RIKASHMONEY, MANDY & VICTORIA are out, and behind White's back Rikishi manges to drop the big leg unnoticed. White *finally* turns around, sees Sexay covering Goodfather, and counts the fall. (4:04) NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE!! Still to come (in case dancing bores you), Undertaker takes on Kurt Angle, and the Rock puts it on the line against Edge AND Christian!
Meanwhile, the Acolytes and the Dudley Boyz have made up and are now forming a mutual admiration society. Both Acolytes have adopted the "fashion statement" of empty glasses frames. In the midst of a laughfest and champagne splash fight, who should show up but Kaientai. "Akurite!" I think that's Acolytes. I have no IDEA what his next word is supposed to be. "Good fight! Good fight!" "We buy you..." (together) "SAKE!" Faarooq and Buh-Buh Ray each break a bottle over a Japanese guy, knocking them out. Hugs all around!
TONIGHT: Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold!
NEXT: Undertaker vs. Kurt Angle! Say...isn't a graphic so much COOLER than a shot of guys WALKING...at least in an old school way?
Chyna's all cheered up and shilling Stacker 2 again
The Rock wants you to just bring it - your vote, that is. wwfvote.com sez: the tally is up to 50,000. Another look at the graphic of the SmackDown! challenge - hey, didja notice that Jesse Ventura's takes up about half the screen while Bush and Gore get little teeny head shots? That ain't exactly subtle symbolism there...
THE GHOST RIDER v. KING KURT ANGLE...again - I'll be damned, those steps have somehow mysteriously levitated over to the barricade and stood on end! How DOES that happen? Lockup, Undertaker shoves him down. Lockup, repeat. Third try, Angle to a waistlock, Undertaker with a back elbow, soupbone, into the corner hard, followup clothesline. Scooping him up on his shoulder - powerslam - 2 from referee "Blind" Jim Korderas. Backstage, Triple H is watching on a monitor - and loving it. 'Taker off the ropes with a soupbone. Arm wringer...did 'Taker just say it was time for school? 'Taker climbing to the top...hey, it's "the walkin' the top rope and coming off with a clubbing forearm" spot! Off the ropes...Angle manages a drop toehold. Angle ducks the clothesline and grabs the waistlock...as Undertaker frees himself, Angle puts a forearm on the back. Gutshot, DDT. Cover, leg is hooked, 1, 2, shoulder up. Right, right, right, right, off the ropes, big boot by the Undertaker stops that. Elbowdrop gets 2. "Ang Gull Sux!" Soupbone. Off the ropes, Angle ducks, Undertaker puts him up on his shoulder...but Angle falls backwards, clamps on the waistlock and busts out a German suplex! Clothesline by Angle - leg is hooked...for 2. A small, yet determined group of fans is chanting "Let's Go Angle." Angle with a kick, a right, right, elbow to the back of the head, and going outside to drive an elbow in the heart. Another elbow from the outside. Angle is back in - kick, kick, kick, right, head to the buckle, right, right, right, kick, kick, kick. Back in Triple H's dressing room, we know see Stephanie looking on - and silently rooting on Angle. 'Taker with a soupbone, Angle with a right, soupbone, right, soupbone, right, soupbone, soupbone, into the ropes, head down, kick by Angle, kick, into the ropes, 'Taker ducks the clothesline, but hits his own flying version. Setting him up for the Last Ride...but CHRIS BENOIT is out, pulling Angle backwards into a press (DQ 3:50) and now both men are laying into the Undertaker. 'Taker tries to fight back the doubleteam, but he's one and they're two, and surprisingly, the numbers have it. So here comes...THE NEW MAN? Yup, it's Triple H with a knockdown for Angle, another right, right, and Angle goes to the outside. H follows and they fight up the ramp. In the ring, Benoit is still taking it to Undertaker...but he's fighting back. Off the ropes, big boot. It's *Benoit* taking the Last Ride. Now play his music! By the way...neither man was named #1 Contender tonight. Amazing we didn't see Kane come out...not that I wanted to see him! Here's your replay - Triple H comes out and removes Kurt Angle from the equation...leaving Undertaker to demolish Benoit. Coming up next: a special message from Stone Cold Steve Austin!
Hey, how about a look at WWF New York? It could possibly be the only place in Lower Manhattan to get RAW if Time-Warner doesn't act fast!
Moments Ago - hey, I just SAW this replay.
Back in the dressing room, Stephanie asks her husband what's up - why would he attack Angle after he helped them out earlier tonight. "Kurt Angle helped us out, huh? You know what, I don't believe a DAMN thing Kurt Angle says, and I will do what I wanna do - I did what I wanted to do tonight, and I will do it again and again and again, because I don't like Kurt Angle and I don't believe a word he says." "You know what...you don't have to believe what Kurt Angle says and you don't have to like him, but the fact of the matter is tonight, Kurt let his actions speak louder than his words - and, and he saved me from Test. And, you know, what's gonna happen the next time I'm in harm's way? You know - who's gonna be there - when, when you're busy doing something else, you know? Maybe next time I'll just get hurt - maybe THAT'LL make you happy."
Commentators engage in lively discourse regarding what we just heard.
From his home in Tejas...hey, who's the bald dude with his back to the camera. Is it Goldberg? Jesse Ventura? Daniel Benzali? No no, silly rabbit, it's STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN. The crowd's cry goes up. "I've been out of action for over nine months, so in case anybody's forgot...(turns around)...my name is Stone Cold Steve Austin." Reaction shot. "Unlike most people, Stone Cold Steve Austin don't forget - and I damn sure don't forgive. So I think it's real special that the next WWF pay-per-view is entitled Unforgiven. What I'm gonna do is give the son of a (beep) that ran me over - the son of a (beep) that tried to end my career until then to step forward. And if that yella (beep) makes me wait, then what I'm gonna do is roll into Unforgiven and interrogate every WWF superstar on the roster until I find out who did this to me. And when I do...I hope God has some mercy on your soul, because you can say your little prayers 24-7 and it ain't gonna save your ass from Steve Austin. And that's the bottom line....(crowd: "'cause Stone Cold said so!") 'cause Stone Cold said so." Stone Cold at Unforgiven? I think we can all read between the lines here: the WWF is DESPERATE
Meanwhile, Edge and Christian are WALKING! After they win the title tonight, Christian suggests they go for the intercontinental title yet, so that they can be "totally immersed in goldage." Stumbling upon an RC Edge machine, Edge exclaims "Are you kidding me? A soda with MY name on it? Now more than ever, SODAS RULE!" But in mid-high five, Rock appears and punks 'em out from behind with a steel chair and a rubber boot...with his foot in it, even! Rock runs Edge into his namesake soda machine. I guess it's only you and I remembering back to when they stood at a soda machine just like this one and wondered aloud when the Christian soda was coming out. Anyway, Rock walks off, having given *himself* something of an edge...in the main event...coming up NEXT!
wwf.com - expect the unexpected
Moments Ago, Rock beat up the tag team champions.
WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: IF YA SMELLLLLL v. EDGE & CHRISTIAN in a handicap match - Champ enters first because he wants the fans to forget Austin as quickly as possible. For a change of pace, the cameraman doesn't sweep the arena as the challengers come out...but wait, it's only Christian coming out. Fortunately for us, he's got a mic. "You know something, Rock, you think you're so smart. You jump us from behind in the back and you take out Edge with a steel chair. Well I got a little news for ya, pal. By orders of Commissioner Foley, there will be a Handicap match for the World Wrestling Federation championship tonight. So I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce you to my NEW tag team partner." Oh, hey, I was *wondering* when/if we'd see WELL IT'S KANE tonight. Christian puts up the hand for the high five on Kane's way down...Kane walks right past him and hits the ring - and promptly falls to a right, right, right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, Kane holds on and hits a short clothesline. Right hand by Kane. Kick, right, right, right, right, Rock with a gutshot, kick, kick, Kane with a knee, elbow, hard into the corner, Rock puts up a boot. Rock ducks a clothesline and catches Kane with a Samoan Drop...for 2. Rock off the ropes...into a big boot. Christian seems content to stay on the outside. Clubbing blow by Kane. Head to the buckle. Blatant choke. Right hand. Rock with a right. Kane with a right. Rock with a right, right, right, Kane with a choke, but Rock gets out with (are you ready?) three rights. Rock off the ropes...Rock Bottom attempt is met with a back elbow to the back of the head. Uppercut puts Rock on the outside. Kane goes out as well. Right hand - Rock over the barricade - Kane following. Clubbing forearm, again, whip into the barricade. Right hand and Rock goes back over. Lawler wonders aloud who Kane's speech coach is since Kane's elocution seems so improved. Rock comes back with a bell to the temple (complete with sound effect) - fortunately, referee "Blind" (and apprently also "Deaf") Earl Hebner is over with Christian discussing how it was a mistake for the producers of "Star Trek: the Next Generation" to create the character of Commander Sela (hey Scaia). Christian clotheslines Rock, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, right, right. Hebner asks them to please try to keep it in the ring, failing to add "hey, what's the bell doing next to Kane's carcass out here?" Christian puts Rock back in the ring and follows. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, blatant choke for 4. Right hand, Rock comes back with a right, right, right, right, into the ropes, right misses (I don't know WHY - it's so UNPREDICTABLE) and Christian connects with a spinning heel kick...for 2. Right, right, right, kick, into the opposite corner is reversed, but Christian puts up the elbow. Christian going up top...but he didn't think it through too well as Rock boots him in the gut as he lands - and there's the DDT. Rock covers and hooks the leg - and gets 2. Rock blocks a right and swings a right. Right. Right. Is there an echo in here? Christian put into the ropes - there's the (sorta) belly-to-belly suplex/throw. Kane back up to the apron - Rock over with (yes!) a right, right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT! Kane falls back to the floor following the devastating "I just spit in my hand" punch. Back around to Christian, who lands a punch. Into the ropes is reversed, spinebuster by the Rock. Rock seems ready to hit the most electrifying move in sports entertainment - and I don't mean a right! Unfortunately, Kane is back in before Rock can finish the move...got him in a choke! CHOKESLAM!! Kane covers...1, 2, Christian breaks it up! Kane with the "now wait a minute" point - but Christian quickly kicks him in the nuts to take his mind off that. Does Kane still have feeling there? I heard that was the only charred place on his body. Christian with the Slop Drop! But Kane breaks up THAT cover. Kane tosses Christian to the outside. Christian pulls on the ankles, trips him up and pulls him outside. Kane with the forearm to the back. There's another one. Crowd: "Rock E!" Head to the apron and Christian sprawls on the floor. Kane moves to the announce table, removing the top and doing a little light cleaning. Just as he completely clears the table of objects, we see EDGE coming down, holding his head. There's a forearm shot to Kane's head, right, right, right, Kane with a right, Edge with a right, Kane with a forearm to the back, forearm. Meanwhile, inside the ring Christian has HIS title belt...and waits for Rock to get up so he can paste him. Unfortunately, Rock catches him in mid-swing and delivers the Rock Bottom. Hebner back in - 1, 2, 3! (6:25) Kane, just figuring out he lost his chance, hits the ring and stomps on Rock. Big right hand, right, clothesline takes him to the outside, shove for Hebner as well. Got Rock in the choke - by God, SOMEBODY'S going through that commentary table. Kane sets the ringposts on fire - and points at the Rock. Rock's *out* - and if the credits are up, that must mean...so are we.