Everybody’s doing it, so why can’t I?

JANUARY:

— Tropical Storm Zeta breaks all previous records for storm longevity.

— In the aftermath of the Sago mine disaster, the Bush Administration, determined to prevent such terrible news in the future, outlaws media coverage of mine collapses and other disasters.

FEBRUARY:

— Tropical Storm Zeta breaks all previous records for storm longevity.

— Louisiana State government finally decides to move New Orleans five miles north after too many children on Katrina Disaster Tours die from ingesting poisoned watermelons.

— A loud “Smack” is heard, as partisan political bloggers nationwide slap their foreheads in unison, finally realizing that, no matter how sensational they find their own posts, they have absolutely nothing new to say.

MARCH:

— Tropical Storm Zeta breaks all previous records for storm longevity.

— On an abandoned ranch somewhere in the American southwest, Dick Cheney and Tony Blair finally succeed in feeding enough bottled souls of innocent victims into their Unspeakable Machine to open a portal into the Realms of the Shapeless Toad Gods. From this point on, Cheney appears in public with a noticable and mysterious limp.

— HAARP grid maintenance workers finish installing and positioning this year’s weather-control devices.

APRIL:

— Tropical Storm Zeta breaks all previous records for storm longevity. In mid-April, Zeta is upgraded to a Hurricane.

— Hugo Chavez, president of Venezuela, dies of “heart failure” while attending an economic forum. His successor blames the United States and cuts off all OPEC oil exports thereto. Gas prices in the U.S. soar higher than in previous years.

— When it is revealed that the NSA has been secretly spying on members of the media and government on special order from the President, the nation will issue a collective shrug and flip back to “American Idol.”

MAY:

— Hurricane Zeta breaks all previous records for storm longevity, becoming the first ever named storm to survive into the next hurricane season. It is the second of three storms to make landfall this month.

— Hurricane Beryl crashes into the Carolinas, costing hundreds of lives and causing seven billion dollars in damage. Rising gas prices exacerbate the situation in the Carolinas, making it impossible for many low-income families to flee.

— Hurricane Alberto crashes into the Carolinas two days after Beryl, creating the worst refugee problem the nation has ever seen. Ironically, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announces on the same day the establishment of “Natural Disaster Resource Centers,” ex-military bases converted into massive dormitories for the purpose of housing victims of natural disasters.

JUNE:

— Primed and ready for the Second Coming, Jesus Christ returns to Earth, looks around a bit, and leaves, deciding to give it a few more years.

— Hurricanes Chris, Debby, Ernesto, Florence, Gordon, Helene, Isaac, Joyce, Kirk, Leslie and Michael. Debby, Florence, Gordon and Joyce make landfall in the United States, with the obvious results. Leslie wipes out a substantial portion of the Panama Canal, crippling the shipping industry and severely damaging the economy of Central and South America.

JULY:

— After months of negotiation, the Disney Corporation finalizes their purchase of Old New Orleans and begins demolishing what is left of the city, beginning by hiring private security firm Blackwater to “evict” the residents of what have become known as “Katrinatowns.” Katrinatown residents are forcibly moved to Natural Disaster Resource Centers in Oklahoma and Texas.

— The Food and Drug Administration officially bans non-genetically altered seeds, claiming that, due to climate change and soil pollution, non-GM foods are becoming “unfit for human consumption.”

— Hurricanes.

AUGUST:

— George W. Bush says something asinine somewhere.

— Hurricane victims in three NDRCs riot after Blackwater employees shoot three young men dead for “looting.” Attorney General Gonzales orders the NDRCs locked-down and curfewed.

— Disparaging the “growing Liberalism” of Pope Benedict XVI’s Vatican, members of the Roman Catholic community in the southern hemisphere announce the formation of the “Reformed Catholic Rite.” The Vatican declares the RCR anathema and moves to excommunicate its participants, who number in the tens of millions.

SEPTEMBER:

— Ultradimensional beings who claim to be from Zeta Reticuli convince New Age “channeler” Sheri McGee of Sedona, Arizona that the current “Earth Changes” affecting the planet signal an upcoming Galactic Alignment which presages universal enlightenment, and command her to write a book to this effect. After making this announcement, said beings sit back and laugh and laugh and laugh.

OCTOBER:

— Absolutely nothing happens in October. It’s freaky!

NOVEMBER:

— Democrats win a majority of midterm elections nationwide and begin planting the seeds for a neoliberal takeover of the neoconservative movement, vowing to stop torturing Iraqi prisoners and instead begin exporting more American labor to Latin American maquiladoras. Corporate lobbyists everywhere begin donating to column D instead of column R. Sen. Hillary Clinton visits China for the opening of the first Wal-Mart Beijing, lauding the Chinese devotion to Free Trade and their remarkable leaps forward in the fields of human rights and environmentalism.

— Polar Bears in the Arctic begin evolving rapidly in response to the dangers of immediate climate change. They grow opposable digits, move into Canada and Siberia and begin dealing crystal meth.

DECEMBER:

— Bill O’Reilly saves Christmas! Yay!

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And there you have it: 2006, exactly as it’s going to happen. Trust me!