Sand Hill Slave

In modern day courtships, particularly in the Seinfeld school of thought's elite 5%, women are measured by their physical attractiveness and men are measured by their occcupation (loosely translating into earning potential, net worth etc.). Guys are jackasses. They want you to know what they do for a living so that you will take an "initial interest" in them only to find out later that they consider you a "gold digger". This is what you get within that 5% percent. But there is another breed that I have encountered as well. The ass hat who drops the hint cooly that he's a "venture capitalist" in order for him to present to you...

This category of tool is readily prowling chic Peninsula and city haunts like Tamarine, the Redwood Room, XYZ etc.. If you are a VC, good for you..you'll have a great life. But.. when you try to show it off..then you are in trouble. I'll show you no mercy. In my humble opinion, I am fairly approachable, but very hard to get to know...AND I'm finicky. One mistake in a conversation with me and you are out.

The scenario: A guy sidles up and tries to make conversation with me. Kudos for your effort. I will engage kindly unless:

I see a Blackberry in hand
Budweiser in the other
I hear the words "So what do you do for a living" within 30 seconds of meeting me.

This question usually receives a response along the lines of: "I manually masturbate and extract sperm from comatose patients for cryopreservation." (this varies from tool to tool)

Most men tend to stick around...because if they think you are hot AND you happen to be bitchy, they will want to one up you. And for this reason, I don't ask what you do for a living. I actually enjoy the way men bring it up...you idiots TRY sooooo hard....and Slave Girl knows EXACTLY how to coax your ego down from the noctilucent clouds...

Example:

Tool in Question (hereon out referred to as TQ): Man I've had a bad day at work.
Slave Girl: Yeah we get those on occassion. It's not like you are going to get fired so drink up, dude.
TQ: Well I will be if we don't close this deal.
SG: I'm sure you are great at your job. Look at it this way, the weekends coming up and you can totally chill.
TQ: I have no weekends, I have to go into work. Such is the life of VCs.
SG: (Big Chesire Cat smile) Uh.. FECES? Did you just say FECES?
TQ: NO. I said VC.. Venture Capitalist?
SG: OH ok. Same difference.

I love being a woman.

I've posted some excerpts from my blog on Craigslist (hey anything to generate traffic) and people have pinged me through it with comments... some of them have accused me about how I act like I'm so perfect. I'm not.. In fact, some of my screw ups are in the thermosphere of FUBAR (Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition). I'm trying to put a list together (so many to choose from) so at one point...you will get to bash on me...eventually I will have a hatemail section and the best letters will be put up, sans name and company unless specifically requested. Even if you don't like me, I'll still respect your privacy. Btw, looking at the traffic log on here, I've got a nice healthy eastcoast/westcoast VC following...I don't know if they are all admins or partners, but regardless, thanks for the support!

Saturday night I was at a party, and this guy that I cannot stand came up to me and tried to talk to me. I have this strange habit...when I don't like someone, I avoid them at all costs, and if I bump into them somewhere, I pretend I don't remember them. This is the 3rd time that I am feigning a memory lapse.

Him: I can't believe that you don't remember me. I work with XXXXX at XXXX Capital.
Slave Girl: Huh? Oh yeah XXXXX? He's a really great guy. Is he here tonight?
Him: Well here's my card again, we should get together. Since you seem to have the memory of a 90 year old, maybe I could call your cell now, so you don't forget.
Slave Girl: Well it's really not my fault you know...
Him: Why is that?
SG: You are easy to forget and hard to remember.

:-)

I did my research. I cruised the NVCA website. Even remembered a few names from when I was making the rounds on Sand Hill Rd. a few years ago. Even made use of some bullshit Venture Capital directory for this specific purpose. That $450 dollar book sure came into use, huh guys? I left EVCA out of it because it was taking too long to go through the names and the layout of the site is lousy. What else can you expect from Eurotrash? Guys, just keep making our porn and lingerie, and I will have no problem with you..

Let's get to it:

Venture Frogs - I hate people that try so HARD to be offbeat and clever. Did these people have to draw names from a hat filled with lame critters scribbled on pieces of paper? What if they drew "lemur"? or "hissing cockroaches" or better yet..."sloth"? They should have used animal crackers.. better selection of names. Elephant. Monkey. Venture Monkey..groovy. They sell one company during the bubble and suddenly they know it ALL. Oh yeah...their little restaurant sucks more than my HEPA filter vacuum cleaner. Even MY cooking is better that.

DoCoMo Capital - I know this the VC arm of the biggest mobile network in Japan, but the StIcKy CaPs In ThE NaMe Is A pRoBlEm. It MaY NoT bE iNteNtiOnAl bUt It StiLl IrRiTaTeS mE. BtW, ThEsE SeNtenCeS TaKe fOrEvEr To TyPe. This gives me a sense of how much time thugs on MySpace waste when crafting a gangsta ode to me. If only they'd stop addressing me as "wassup biatch", then maybe...just maybe I would go to the prom with them.

Village Ventures- Actually there is nothing wrong with this name, but... I think it would be great to compare all the partners' investments and the partner who has the least successful deals to their name should bear the title,"The Village Idiot". Now THAT would be funny.

Housatonic Partners- I'm sure this is one of those names from the Northeast that was coined by a Native American tribal chief who named the river after some god or another, and I'm not supposed to poke fun because it's not PC, but screw it. You people make so much damn money off the casinos, you should just deal. I just have that song from the 80's popping into my head..you know, the one from JJ Fad? The one hit wonder...Supersonic..or rather.. SUPASONIC! Rockin' your world, SUPASONIC! Okay, it's obscure, sue me for watching too much MTV as a child.

Ampersand Ventures- Did you people just stare at your keyboard and look at each symbol on the number row??? What the hell is Ampersand all about? Most people in this country do not know what an ampersand is. What's next? Oh I know. You guys should draw out some sketchy symbol involving the % and the $ sign together, and call yourselves, "The Firm Formerly Known As Ampersand". If Prince can get away with it, then you should too.

Techxas Partners - OK. The genius that came up with this name.... It's hard to believe this ass monkey beat out 100,000 other spermatoza to exist. How can these people hand out business cards??? When they said "Don't mess with Texas" I don't think misspelling it is ok either. Even if you are trying to be clever.

What is it with Texas VC firms and their astonishingly bad penchant for horrible names?? The second one:

G-51 - Is this like the Area- 51 of VC? Taking the investors money but never telling them what exactly goes on? I went to their website and they have this term on there called the "Gap Keeper". They've actually service marked the damn term. So they talk about how they fill gaps for support for start ups and other private equity firms. This implies that you are CLOSING THE GAP NOT KEEPING IT. Fools. You can have the service mark guys... trust me, I don't see anyone at the NVCA annual meeting getting into fists fights over that piece of intellectual property..

The one that stands out above all:

Ticonderoga Capital is probably the WORST name. EVER.

1) You name your firm after a fort that was built by the surrender monkeys and captured by the British (no surprise there), renamed after an Iroquois term meaning "Land between two waters" and your address is on Sand Hill Rd., Approximately 40+ miles away in any direction from bodies of water. Your Wellesley, MA location doesn't represent EITHER. You are not even in the same state. What gives, guys?

2) When you are on the fundraising trail and prospective LPs look at your PPM and have to wonder, "What the devil is this name??" and secretly go google your name. That is not good..

I look at these names and I realize..West Coast VCs are much better at coming up with names than thier East Coast and Texan brethren. Venture Frogs is the exception here.

Now, I'm sure you are a lovely bunch to have tea and crumpets with.....well, probably not because you are all VCs. Sippy cups and twinkies are in order for all you cry babies.

A few years ago, I walked into a firm renowned for having attractive women as their admins. The woman who interviewed me was very pretty. I couldn’t really take her seriously because as she went to close the door, I noticed that her skirt was so short that I could have sworn that her tampon string was poking out. Now, I’m mildly obsessive compulsive when it comes to strings on my sweater. I fight the temptation to pull them, lest I do more damage; when they are on other people’s sweaters, it bothers me so much that I ask them if I could cut it. Imagine my dilemma right then! In my universe, all I could see at that moment were tampon strings. The number one rule in Playtex Physics: PANTIES UNDER A MICRO MINI, POR FAVOR!!! Well, Slave Girl really pulled it together. She did not appear strung out. She behaved. Sort of.

Admin: It’s an extremely fast environment around here. We are very busy.

Slave Girl: I understand. So is it mostly scheduling/phones or are you working
on projects or presentations? Do you guys have to use PowerPoint?

Admin: Oh…we don’t use PowerPoint here. We don’t do presentations.

SG: Oh ok, well do you guys have to use spreadsheets in Excel?

Admin: No….I don’t even know how to use Excel.

SG: So the firm uses none of this stuff.

Admin: No, there are people who do that stuff here. Just not me because
I’m really busy supporting my partner and managing my assistant.

SG: Oh, so there is some work overflow; well, what kind of work do you
delegate to your assistant?

Admin: Delegate?? (Ten- cent word, Slave Girl’s bad.)

SG: What kind of work do you hand off to the other assistant?

Admin: Oh…she handles (insert partners name here) scheduling, travel,
and his phones.

SG: Which leaves you to do exactly what..? (SG having a “diarrhea
of the mouth/constipation of the brain” moment)

Admin: I oversee everything, coordinate with his pilot for his jet, making
sure loose ends are tied. (Slave girl bites lip HARD) Have you
managed private jet travel before?

Now, I answered yes, but let me explain what “managing private jet” experience entails:

All planes have a tail number. You call that into the airport FBO; Fixed Base Operator and then you arrange for a rental car or limo to be there; sometimes the FBO will gladly do that for you. That’s it. Done. HOW FUCKING HARD IS THAT? I’ll tell you this, it’s A LOT easier than crawling through Orbitz trying to find a deal….

Admins that need to find deals for their execs that travel, especially at start ups or frugal VC firms, I respect you...it’s not fun. I know it. I’ve been through it. Assistants that say shit like “manage private jet travel” are morons. That whole sense of inflated self aggrandizing makes my eyes roll so far back into my head I can actually see my neocortex.

Jet travel takes all of 5-10mins to arrange and most of that time you are just put on hold. Because VC guy has the luxury of being in flux all the time, the only thing that might change (and change again, and again, and so on..) is what time is “Wheels Up”, which by the way, is the favored term for people who have jets.. because saying something like, “take off time is 7:00am” is too passé. (Yes…I’m sad and forlorn that I do not have a private jet at my disposal)

Back to the interview:

Regarding the partner in question:

SG: Can you tell me about his work style, his personality?

Admin: He’s a really nice guy…works hard, always busy, got along well
with his last admin.

SG: (Muttering under my breath) Yeah and I look like a Victoria Secret
model, have been nominated for a James Beard Award, and do the housework
in a sexy French maid outfit and stilettos.

Admin: I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you…

SG: Oh! I was just thinking aloud…yes, so that’s great to know..what
else should I know about him? What did his assistant find as a
challenge in the job?

Admin: Oh that’s a great question.. let me think about that..(Slave girl can
see the wheel in Admin’s head spinning, but doesn’t see the hamster).
Oh! Yes…well sometimes he changes his mind. Sometimes at the last minute,
especially with travel.

SG: Is his travel schedul complex? Would I have to string together a
number of cities within one itinerary?

Admin: Yes, the travel schedule is extensive.

SG: What about meetings I mean does he oscillate back and forth with everything?
Scratch that. Does he have a hard time making decisions for everything?

Admin: (Pauses) Ummm..yes. I think…no he doesn’t….

SG: (Mutters) LIAR. (Clears throat loudly) Well that’s great to know.
Tell me about the team…

Admin: The girls are great. We work well together and as a team we really
make things happen.

SG: (BIG Smile) I’m sure you must pull a lot strings to get things done.

Admin: Definitely. (BIG grin from Slave Girl) If you were hired, the team
would report to both of us.

SG: I thought the admins report to their execs? Who do we report to?

Admin: You report to me. But, not very often as I will be busy handling my
partner…(Slave Girl wants to reach out and slap her.. but thinks
about tampon string and calms down immediately)

SG: I don’t report to my boss?

Admin: Well yes, him too.

SG: You are the de facto office manager as well?

Admin: Uhhh…

SG: Aaahhh fuck it. You’re a moron.

Ok, I didn’t say that last part (would that have been the greatest?!). But really, let me get this straight. You support one guy, there is a second assistant involved that basically handles everything, you sit around managing private jet travel and tying up loose ends but not your goddamn tampon. You are about as useful as a chocolate tea pot. You’re a fucking idiot. No wait. Actually, you are brilliant. You are the Paris Hilton of venture capital support. You sit around looking pretty and don’t do much and get paid well for it. All I’m stuck with is a great vocabulary. I need to make an appointment with my shrink.

Denouement: to my complete astonishment, I was not hired.

The hot topic with many of my marriage minded friends is Evolutionary Psychology..pretty much why men/women have evolved to behave the way we do. In the past 20 years psychologists have presented so many studies that show us that we've got nothing to do except 2 things. A) Create as many opportunities as possible to reproduce. B) Get it on, baby.

Our genes don't give a damn about or happiness...all other intellectual pursuits are pretty much designed to score us more opportunities. My friend SG got really angry with me during a heated discussion over a martini too many with a few men on the subject. She went postal on me accusing me of being an advocate for polygyny, which believe me, is not the case (although I can actually make a superior argument on how it could benefit the modern middle class....another time, gang). I merely stated a fact: Men and women are not genetically designed for monogamy. She flipped. I countered with theories as well as harsh facts (that I don't even like). I made myself a promise to lend her my book, the Moral Animal by Robert Wright.

I've read it two times and just finished it for a third time (some books are worth reading over and over). Wright breaks down why we are the way we are.. stripping away the emotion and getting to the roots of our genetic behaviour and the resulting social ecosystems that have formed. From a "propagating the species perspective", it's always fascinating to me to see how males in various species compete for the most desirable females. What they are armed with, the signals they send out...one of my favorite little tidbits is about how female infidelity affects sperm density...the number of sperm in a man's ejaculate is not dependent on how long it's been since he has had sex; it's based on the amount of time the female has been out of his sight..so it seems that his genes are assuming that she's had the opportunity to play around (whether this has happened or not). His genes are telling him to "rally the troops" for an invasion, defending the home turf... what a clever weapon for evolutionary combat...this stuff is fascinating...it's a fantastic read and even a layperson ;-) can understand and enjoy it.

By the way, at the end of that conversation, every guy wanted my number...what a clever way for me to attract the males of my species...

If the VC world is regarded as an old boys club, then the VC assistant clique is the equivalent of the alpha bitches in high school: the “in” clique.

Usually the assistants will interview you first and you might have to go through a few rounds, climbing up the ladder…here are some tips for getting past the bitches, including myself…(well, an interview with me would be slightly different…more on that another time)

Find out whom you are interviewing with in advance; if it is with several admins, TONE DOWN YOUR MAKEUP. Don’t strut in like a model out of a MAC Viva Glam ad. Trust me, if you are very attractive, most admins usually do not like “the blatantly hot chick” especially, if said group is older. If you walk into a room where all the women wear pink turtlenecks with green cardigans over them, and you are dressed in a chic suit from Theory, you might as well get up, do an about face and march your Laboutin-clad feet out of there. If you have a strong command of the English language and you are the queen of Scrabble, no need to apply those skills…. fifty-cent words will not do. Being hot AND smart doesn’t score you points here….

What you can do: Ask the assistants questions about their work. Keep them talking. There are plenty of admins I've met that are catty, insecure, and dumb. Some of them are so dense, they’ve created their own event horizon. I’ve met a few fantastic ones running the gamut in age that were intelligent, poised, and polished; you ladies are worth your weight in gold. It’s the really self important ones that love to hear the sound of their own voices who want to make me go Jet Li on their asses. Talking about how busy they are “managing” the partner(s) they support. The more they talk about it in vague terms, the higher the bullshit meter reads. That’s not to say that admins aren’t busy. But hey, if you have to emphasize every 5 minutes that you are “constantly busy” then chances are, YOU AREN’T.

1) did NFL analyst Jamie Williams in his interview look like he was pulled out of Roscoe's Chicken 'n' Waffles to fill in for someone on the post game analysis for the Denver Broncos beating today? His hair looked like it hadn't seen an afro pick in days! You need to REPRESENT yo peeps! Where was the Soul Glo?? The man looked so unkept he looked like he up and swallowed Buckwheat from "Our Gang".

(I need to find a screenshot of this somewhere on the web.)

2) Did Dennis O'Donell's outfit make him look like the kind of guy that would set Gotti and his boys after me....?

3) is "Meat Head Jesus" an appropriate moniker for the way Jake Plummer looks.

4) Was there an alarming number of mullets on the field? Major mullet-tude.

I'm a woman. Of course I notice these things. I watched the game too...really, I did.

Circling back to the example of being thought of as "intellectually déclassé", I cannot tell you how many times VCs I’ve dealt with have made snide comments when they see me at a bookstore in Palo Alto with an interesing title in hand or reading a book of “substance” at lunch . The most over-used comment I’ve heard is,” Oh, I thought all you admins read is Cosmopolitan.” Now, I’m not exactly the paragon of intellectual firepower..but how insulting is that comment?!?

Next time one of you idiots sneers at me when I’m reading something that seems up to “your standards”, I will drop kick your ass and stomp on your head like a late harvest grape. Bring it on!!

I was at a girlfriend's place earlier this week working on my blog, and posting to various others. She doesn't have WiFi. She was sponging off of someone above/next to/ or below her. I started to think (?!?) about how so many people sponge off of other people's networks. Their IP address is the one being recorded, right? So forget about me posting anonymously for a second (I know that's what YOU were thinking). I'm more interested in the creeps who mooch off of other people's WiFi and surf for kiddie porn...this would mean that they could never get caught, right? They are in their apt... they score signal strength from someone else's network. How do they get caught?? It kind of spooks me...(CBS really needs to lay off those crime shows..)

I read some article about Google wanting to roll out WiFi for all of San Francisco (hey guys, the rest of the Bay area would be nice too, you know). Does that mean some pervert can access this stuff without being detected? Or if there was a way to track what people access/download? If that be the case, aren't there privacy issues? I believe that the privacy issue came up with Gmail too..

Viva la femme General Partners! Managing Directors! The doyennes of the deal. There are so few of them out there.. They managed to gain entrée into a club where the membership requirement is having a member. I’ve heard from various assistants in the industry that a few of these females are on the terse side. Understandable. They’ve had to be twice as smart to be taken just as seriously. Fortunately for women, this is not very difficult. So, good for them.

I met an assistant once who bitched about a female on the investment team at her firm. She also supported a guy who is living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum. I asked her about the woman’s behavior. Funny thing. The woman may not have been very warm with her, but la femme partner never condescended to her, unlike the male associate there, so she didn’t realize how patronizing this guy was. That type of guy might be superficially nice to you, but he has already deemed you, the assistant, intellectually déclassé; therefore, you are not regarded as a threat to their masculine pretense (stay tuned for a classic example of this). Enter a female VC, and there’s a change…for one thing, the partners are usually smart enough not to make any sort of sexist joke or reference around HER. On the other hand, in regards to some of the guys I’ve heard about or come across, I’ll never underestimate the predictability of their idiocy.(Dresdner Kleinwort Wasserstein Securities, take note your jokes are costing you big bucks right now).

Ok, ok, there are SOME men that can truly respect that female (the stable, secure ones), but many, being Silverback- like alphas themselves, do not like an alpha woman in their midst. Jane Goodall really ought to swing by and check out the habitat here in the valley sometime...to be fair, there are guys like this in all fields; medicine, politics, technology, the boardroom and of course, the bedroom…(alphas like to be in control EVERYWHERE) but it's especially prevelant in finance…the career pantheon of the alpha asstard. Remember that generalization that the terms “respectful/nice” and “investment banker” are mutually exclusive? It’s so accurate that it has become a commonplace joke in finance. Portfolio managers. Traders. Oh yeah, and IP lawyers. Actually, make that all lawyers. Shit. This list could go on.

In addition to Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton, another ubiquitous pair on the celebrity scene has worn out their welcome. I am referring to the Uggs in this photo above. I hereby call for a moratorium on Uggs (full disclosure: I owned a pair- one can only parade around town in Manolos so much), due to the fact that nothing kills a man's libido faster than a pair of boots that make your legs look like like an Inuit strumpet. To my credit (if I may say so for myself), I did not tuck my jeans into my Uggs or pair the with skirts out in public. An unfortunate trend this is.. and it's almost as bad as the denim shorts and cowboys boots of the early 1990s. Felonius Footwear!

Much to my dismay, there are various hybrids that have spun out of this ridiculous footwear trend....

Egregious example Number 1: The "Houston, we have a fucking problem" moon boots by Marc Jacobs

Egregious Example Number 2: Boots that appear to made out of the fur of dead muppets:

These boots are from the "Cheap and Chic by Moschino". More like "Creep and Freak" if you ask me...
Can you believe these were at Saks Fifth Avenue for $450???

In addition, those purple boots remind me of a cartoon of of the 80's that I've seen on Nickelodeon at Night:

Clearly this cartoon had to be the inspiration for those obnoxious boots... I'm also not sure about that rather hirsute creature which I can only refer to as..the poor man's Chewbacca in Speedos.

This is at your discretion, but here’s my guideline: it’s only sexual harassment if you find them unattractive…. so, a question to ask yourself:

“Is my time worth the cheap Elsa Peretti line of trinkets from Tiffany’s that he will purchase for me?”

If you answered with a resounding, “WHAT-THE-HELL-AM-I-THINKING-NO-WAY-I’LL-STICK-TO-MY
-VIBRATOR-THANK-YOU-VERY-MUCH!” well, your Royal Hotness, I’ve got a course of action that works well:

Step up to the plate: When your boss is at his desk, pick up the picture of his kids and remark how adorable/cute they are. Here comes the ball: He says, ”Yes they are great, you don’t have any right? You are young, enjoy it.” Swing hard, baby: You reply, ”Yeah, but I’m getting’ there. I need to get started on that too…” then look at him, and smile sweetly, and follow through, ”In fact, with or without a man, I plan to within the next few years”. The ball has left the park. Nicely done. Your kitty is now kryptonite. It has a gigantic “VERBOTEN” stamp on it.

On the other hand, if your self esteem is more along the lines of "I am cheaper than Top Ramen" and you tell yourself unconvincingly, "he might help me pay off my Bloomingdales card”, not to fear, silly strumpet, Sand Hill Slave will not forsake you. Just allow me to offer a suggestion that will help? Tell him you’d like to be blindfolded, giggle and say you like your sex slightly unvanilla…it’ll spare you any visuals. (Come on, unless the guy is Richard Gere from the "Pretty Woman" days....really, do I need to go into this?)

Of course, if you have already done this and at present day, your husband happens to be a partner at a "prestigious firm" (or a "not so prestigious firm", please disregard the paragraph above and be assured that your husband is not..…that “kind of guy”. Yeah.

(Don't you dare "cluck" your tongue at me..like that HASN'T EVER happened...)

Just like men I’ve bedded, not all VC firms are created equal. Some firms have generous package, while others like to say that they compensate by having a “great environment”. Sorry guys, but for the gal that’s going to be professionally monogamous to you, I got some bad news. Size does matter. A great environment and average pay is like dating a guy that has a nice personality and a small dick. Yes, yes, we try to ignore it, telling ourselves “it’s the whole package,” but at the end of the day, we are all turned on by a nice big…..bonus.

A reader sent me this article and asked for my thoughts on it:

One of the women in this article was referred to as the "Pamela Anderson of trading". Usually, when people refer to a certain individual as a celebrity look alike, more often than not (uhh..like 99% of the time) the person resembles the unattractive version of said celebrity. And I wonder...did these guys mean to say she looked like Pam with or without the makeup? If these guys think this woman looks like Pammy without makeup, shit...I'd sue too. I'd sue for two billion.

One the other hand, if you go into work looking like you belong in a Wicked Pictures production, comments like that come with the territory and women know it going in; the reality is...we KNOW men are pigs. They are unabashed in their junkie-like need for arousing visual imagery.

I've dealt with partners who never looked at my face when we crossed paths...perhaps their eyes hovered around my lovely collarbone but I really doubt they were "connoisseurs of the slender neckline" variety. Cleaning out a partner's office I've found porn of all sorts that will forever make me think twice when one utters the words,"I'm tied up with the phone right now". The one that takes the cake is the guy who had a porn rag hole-punched and inserted into an old board book for a portfolio company (Did he hole-punch it in the office? How long did it take?). If I had a dime for every time I've found porn on a partner's computer, I'd have my own billion dollar fund to run. And partners that have flirted with me? By the barrel. Am I smokin' hot? Sure, if you are into Jeanine Garafolo. And yes...you got it...the uglier version.

For the VC firm that tells me in an interview, “We are a great firm that prides ourselves in being like a family; taking care of our employees. All the assistants are happy here. We work hard and we play hard…we really believe everyone should have a life outside the office. We watch everyone and award our employees accordingly by giving out end of the year discretionary bonuses based on fund performance and individual performance. (Usually it’s some variation of this).

Shall I decipher this little "We drink the Kool-Aid" monologue?

“We'd like to work you hard. Very hard. We will slave drive you. We will never remember the times that you went out of your way for us, but we will remember the time you scheduled our boondoggle golf game the day of a freak rainstorm. Sure, you scheduled it three weeks before, but we thought you took care of the "weather issue". YOU work hard so WE can play hard. We are the passive aggressive ass clowns who will not have a conversation with you about your performance right away so you can improve. We are the smacktards that will wait until near the end of the year to have that conversation about your performance so that you KNOW that you are getting screwed.”

Of course, if you are a shitty assistant, you certainly don’t deserve your bonus. On the other hand, if you’ve worked hard and you don’t get a few things right (no one is perfect), some firms take advantage of that word “discretionary”…especially with the “fund performance” proviso…because lets face it, when they use that excuse, you are getting screwed on your bonus, but I can guarantee the partners aren’t taking a huge cut. The “discretionary bonus” you see as the end of the year “payoff” might very well turn out to be that end of the year “fuck off”.

You can always tell who in the industry has been fucked over based on the fact that they are seeking a new firm at the beginning of the year.

You go on Craigslist. In capital letters you see the headline,” EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT TO HIGH PROFILE MANAGING PARTNER- 85K++”, and you click on the ad. And it’s often a description like this:

Support the Managing Partner of a prestigious venture capital firm. Take charge of a highly complex schedule; coordinate private jets, manage multiple homes, liaise with global dignitaries and celebrities. Beautiful offices, excellent benefits, discretionary bonus.

Requirements- Qualified candidates must have 4-7 years experience working in a fast paced, deadline driven environment; some network administration experience is a plus; financial services strongly preferred.

Sound like a dream job? Let’s translate:

Ability to quickly shift/juggle priorities= HE changes his mind more than his underwear and doesn’t tell you until the last minute.

Manage a highly complex schedule= even if HE has his outlook calendar in front of him, HE tends to never look at it, fucks up the scheduling and doesn’t tell you until the last minute.

Global Dignitaries- What kind of bullshit is this? It’s not like His Royal Highness Carl Gustaf XIV of Sweden is gonna roll in five deep to hang with the peeps of Sand Hill Road. Well, I take that back. There is a very good possibility that HRH Carl G9 could kick back with Bono the VC at the Village Pub.  

Fast paced, deadline driven environment = you know this guy is an asshole of the highest order who tells you to do something for him and gets pissed when HE suddenly finds out that the universe does not revolve around him.  Of course, HIS requests were all made at the last minute.

Some network administration- This ass monkey is stupid enough to open .scr and .vbs files thus sending a myriad of viruses through his computer that render it inoperable. Of course HE will do it at the end of the day, just when you are about to leave…at the last minute.

Discretionary bonus – please see next post. Worthy of it’s own entry.

You work long and hard hours. The pay is shitty, but hey, you have stock options! Maybe they might amount to something IF they’ve given you a significant amount.  IF they go public. IF you stay through that pesky little thing called a “vesting period”. But that’s not only a pretty rare train to catch and hitch your caboose to, there’s also too many “IF’s”. It might be worth it for the executive team, but for an Executive Assistant? Please. It’s like my boyfriend’s idea of giving me a diamond. He puts a lump of coal in my hand, tells me to squeeze real tight and be PATIENT.

FUCK THAT.

Back in junior high, I used to baby sit kids for money. Somehow, I’ve managed to make it my job and baby sit the brattiest child of them all- the venture capitalist!

Men like to say that they will “put up with a lot of shit” if a woman is hot. Well guess what? Women will put up with an asshat of a man as long as they are compensated handsomely for it. So, ladies if you want a salary rather than a career like I foolishly did, go for the Armani of assistant positions - become a venture capital assistant!

Why VC?

On Salary.com the median salary in SF for an Executive Assistant is $49,360. Now I should thank my 34C’s, because I make almost 2x that (Thank you XXXXXX Capital for the double bubbles) 2x? That’s just the base salary; let’s not forget the profit sharing opportunities such as phantom stock and bonuses, etc. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not a high salary compared to other professions in the valley. Making close to 100k for playing phone jockey and moving appointments around is not really hard. Dealing with a VC’s childish behavior and ambivalence…that’s what we really get paid for.

Some assistants like to refer to themselves as “life style managers”. For all the assistants that say this: I really want to take the straw from my Vanilla Bean Frappuccino and poke you in the eye with it.

It’s glorified babysitting. Need a comparison?

Toddler                                                                                         VC
Makes a mess of his diaper/                             Makes a mess of his schedule/
babysitter cleans up                                             assistant cleans up

Spits out warm milk from sippy                       Spits out the 2000 Silver Oak
cup because it tastes bad                                    because it tastes bad

Scratches ass, sniffs, grabs the                       Scratches ass, sniffs,
unsuspecting babysitter's hand                       thinks no one is looking
soon after                                                               and shakes hands with an
                                                                                  unsuspecting entrepreneur
                                                                                  soon after

Toddler= son                                                         VC= son of a bitch

I feel very bad for assistants that work with an executive who is a prick that doesn’t pay up. Hey, you’re a bastard and you are cheap? What the fuck??? Most generous VCs are like call girl clients; some are nice..lucky you. But most are jackasses that behave in the most annoying ways. But..... look at it this way, at least you are getting paid considerably more to put up with it. That keeps me from choking some of them. I am sad, sad, salary whore. I admit it. But I am also convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that the VC industry is flypaper for freaks.

For those assistants who are toiling away at bullshit companies for a less than great salary, and claiming to “support 20 people” (20 people...liars..I’ll deal with you later), I’ll show you how to break into the ranks of VC support; there are many stupid pitfalls to navigate – the ads, the recruiters that put them there, the interview process and of course, life at the firm. Why am I doing this? Because I’ve been on both sides; start ups and VC and I just need a space to rant about everyone and everything that annoys me, including myself. If you are a VC that takes me too seriously, YOU are bigger douche bag than everyone already thinks you are.