Saturday - December 3, 2005

The Last Few Hours Before She Left

05:34:21 :: Rants

The first thing I did in the morning when I woke up was calling Mom. She sounded different. She was trying to say something to me, but I couldn’t understand what she was talking about. I sensed something bad.

Then I went to Dad’s room to pee and told him about Mom. He then told me that he wanted to say something to me. On December 1, a night before she left, a friend of Dad called him and told him that God wanted to bring my mother Home. Dad prepared me if that would happen anytime soon. Later we found, two more people were being told by God about the same thing about Mom when they were praying. Deborah, a church prayer team, was given a verse by God on that night:

Psalm 116
15 Precious in the sight of the Lord
is the death of His saints.

Mom is surely with The Father now.

Few minutes later, Mom called again but she asked a nurse to talk to me. The nurse asked me to hurry to come to the hospital because Mom wanted us to be there soon. Unfortunately, Tante Dessy, Tante Patricia and Oom Hendra were having breakfast at Nikko’s Hotel and we got nobody to drive us there. I then with Dad rushed to the hospital by cab.

In the cab, Dad told me that he still wanted to fulfill his mission to spread The Word of God in China. Then I cried. I told him if Mom left us, he’d be the only parent and immediate family in the world. It’s not that I want him to choose me over God, but I reminded him that I am his child and since the day I was born, God has given me to him and Mom to take care of. So I begged him to at least be with me until someday I get married. He cried and promised me that he’d be there on my wedding, then he will follow his mission God has put in his heart.

We were so tensed at the hospital because they locked the main door at the ward. Finally it was opened and we ran to Mom’s room # 824. She was there, looked very different from previous night when we saw her. I knew instantly that that very day, she was going to go. I hold her hand and started to sing and pray. I hold my tears for I know it would be easier for her to be free from her pain if she knew that we let her go. I kept telling her how much I love her and if she wanted to leave, then she should leave. She should not worry about us and Dad will be taken care of me until the day one of us dies.

I saw her legs and they were awful. They were like huge red plastic bags with a lot of water inside of it. I was shocked, but didn’t say a word.

She tried to communicate with me, she wanted someone to brush her teeth. I told the nurse and she said she couldn’t because all her mouth inflammed. She still insisted, then they brush her teeth and vaccumed the water with a tool. Not long after that, I saw a very heartbreaking view. Her gum came out and her eyeballs going up and now. Seemed like she couldn’t open her eyes. Then she couldn’t breathe. A lot of people came and helped her breathing with a machine. One of the doctors asked if we let them send her to the ICCU as it would be the last thing they could do to keep her alive and it was costly. I told them that I trusted that they were doing the best they could and just do anything to keep her at ease and lessen her pain.

Then they brought her to the ICCU and they didn’t let us being in the room. They were trying to help her for 2 hours.

When I went down alone to smoke in the parking lot, I met Mom. Yes, I met her. I believe it was her spirit. She didn’t say anything and it only happend for few seconds. Then I knew that her spirit already left her body.

I went upstairs again and held Dad’s hand. I told him everything.

Less than an hour, they called Dad and I to the ICCU. They were doing their last effort. Dad and I prayed and sang together again. I reassured Mom that everything will be fine with us and that we all will meet again soon in Heaven. Then I kissed her, Dad kissed her. Then at 11:45 she left. I felt numb, but still didn’t cry even when I told everyone that Mom had gone.

Then Oom Hadi came few minutes later and I told him that Mom’s gone. We hugged and we cried together.

I rushed to go home to pick up Mom’s stuff that I wanted to put inside the coffin. I picked up one of her night gown for her to wear, another gray formal dress and a set of casual clothings I bought for her from Singapore that she wore on her last birthday. I also brought her glasses, her Bible and a picture of us when I was 3.

We went back to the hospital to pay the bill. Then I paid also for Mom’s shoes, gloves, socks and her make-up. I told the lady not to put a dark red color lipstick because Mom didn’t like it. She did a great job and Mom really looked like a bride, with a pink rose she hold on her hand.

It took us 2 hours from Gleneagles to Cikini Hospital’s moratorium where her body takes place until Sunday. Our Pastor, Pak Yosh, and Heinz were already there. Then we had a meeting about the services we’re going to have, the coffin etc. I chose the best coffin for Mom. It’s a beautiful white coffin. Oom and Tante went to reproduced Mom’s picture to be placed on the table in front of her coffin.

Tante Cathrin came and she kept crying. Then her friends also came, Mom’s cousin, Oom Chandra and all. I didn’t anything since I woke up and I just had my first and only meal of the day at 22:00. It was a McD’s beefburger.

Maya and Dudung came a bit late at night. Then I asked Dad to go home because he was exhausted. Yudi came later and my friends were there for me until I wanted to go home at 23:00. Maya and Dudung sent me home.

Whenever I asked Dad how he was yesterday, he kept saying that he’s not sad but he felt like it was just a dream and he felt blank. Tante Maria told me that I was the only reason Mom to live and that she loves me more than anything in this world. She told Tante Maria how proud she was with me and how much I love her. She hoped that she could be there for me at least until my wedding day because she wanted to make sure that I’d be well taken care of even until she’s gone.

This morning I went to my parents’ room and laid down on Mom’s bed. I kept kissing her pillow and crying. I miss her so much.

I can’t wait to meet Mom again. Kissing her in the dead body doesn’t feel the same ….. Deborah told me that what I think best for me isn’t best for Mom and God. And if I cried, that means I am selfish and crying for myself. She’s in Heaven now where the floor is made of gold and the gate of pearls. I was comforted, but I still couldn’t believe that my mother will no longer hug me in flesh now.


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  1. Hi, sorry to hear of your loss, I haven’t lost my mother yet but it’s only a matter of time. Thank you for sharing your story and some of your feelings. In the years after I lost my father, my life changed in subtle and unexpected ways, it was quite an adventure.

    Take care. Robmcj.

    PS, this week I posted the real scar story, but it’s a hospital story so you might prefer not to read it right now.

    Comment by robmcj — Saturday - December 3, 2005 @ 09:09:37

  2. Turut berduka cita ya Connie for you and your Dad.
    She’s with Jesus, and Jesus is with you and your Dad,
    and with those who believe in Him.

    Comment by Ouli — Saturday - December 3, 2005 @ 14:27:45

  3. Life and Death

    You live your own one life and find your own way. You have to be true to YOU and find your own peace within your heart and soul…

    Trackback by Capital Region People — Saturday - December 3, 2005 @ 20:12:02

  4. I am sorry for your loss. Thank-you for sharing your grief. God loves you and has a plan for your life.

    Comment by Dave Lucas — Saturday - December 3, 2005 @ 20:13:59

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