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Which of my hot winter sporting events would you most like to see at the next Winter Olympic Games, to be held in Mypants, 2010?
Help me choose.
 Hot Tubbing
 Figure Rating
 Ice Pole-Dancing
 Igloo Construction

Thursday, February 23, 2006, 4:37pm


Apparently, not many people have been watching the Winter Olympics taking place right now in Torino, Italia. At first I found this disturbing: Whatever happened to patriotism, international camaraderie, or appreciation for unprecedented feats of athleticism? I flipped on the flat-screen, looking for answers and dramatic Alpine shots of hard-bodied snow bunnies slathering one another in full-bodied olive oil.

What I found, however, was a collection of unidentifiable humanoids shuffling around in unflattering space suits, masking their mugs in goofy helmets and competing in events that seem designed to paralyze the presumably-attractive participant from the gazongas down. If these world-class athletes are truly engaging in athletic feats of international camaraderie, as I certainly would be were I bunking down in Olympic Village, then no sign of it whatsoever is making it to air. Hmm, I wonder why ratings are down?

Below are a few proposals that will no doubt increase viewership, improve morale, and add some much-needed heat to these Olympic games.

HOT TUBBING: Like snowboarding, this phenomenon has grown from a pastime to a full-fledged Olympic-caliber event. Today's great hot tubbers are getting naked, getting relaxed and getting it on with the focused energy of professional athletes, as they attempt to pass the torch underwater and avoid embarrassing bubbles.

BOOBSLED: What, besides anything, would be more exciting than watching a four-man bobsled team sliding down the track? How about a topless, eight-milkshake toboggan team that makes every jostle and carom a cause for celebration? I've got a really tasteless chapstick joke that could go right here… (HINT: they're topless, it's cold, and they're moving fast).

FIGURE RATING: A sport to determine, once and for all, which nation produces the world's hottest women. An international team of judges using sophisticated computer equipment will award points for technical and aesthetic merit. Unlike Figure Skating, participants MUST be biologically female, fully-developed, and over the age of 18 by the time of the games, or at least within spitting distance if they're like, super hot.

ICE POLE-DANCING: This bastard cousin of figure skating would be re-energized with an infusion of techniques from fine burlesque, introducing a pole in lieu of the "male" "dancer." Extra points awarded to dancers who pull off the difficult "nipple lutz" or, I guess, pull anything off.

IGLOO CONSTRUCTION: How do they make those things?

BIATHALON: Just a shout-out to the one Olympic sport that needs no augmentation. I could watch the bi's athaloning all night long. I do propose, however, widening its scope to include the bi-curious-athletes as they tend to be hotter, pound for pound.
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