February, 2005

This Issue


Wal-Mart: More Evil Than Ever

BENTONVILLE, AR - Two new members of Wal-Mart's board of directors have promised to make the company, "more evil than ever." Chief Financial Officer Tsathoggua and Chief Marketing Officer Joseph Curwen were appointed to fill unexpected vacancies this week in an emergency meeting of Wal-Mart stockholders. "Wal-Mart has always been the foremost pioneer of corporate villainy," said Curwen in today's press conference, "and we mean to uphold that standard while helping the company continue its march toward inhuman cosmic evil."

While pointing out that the new board of directors is just getting started, Curwen was willing to share two new initiatives. "First, we plan to put more re-animate Americans to work in our storefronts. These hard-working former citizens, combined with Tsathoggua's formless spawn, should be able to significantly cut costs while maintaining or even surpassing Wal-Mart's standards of customer service." Asked if this plan was not simply another way for Wal-Mart to cut jobs for the living while giving more work to the dead, Curwen replied through clenched teeth, "They're not dead. They're re-animate Americans." Continuing to glare angrily at the crowd, he added, "These are honest, hard-working Americans who never take breaks or join unions. You could learn a lot from them."

The second new initiative, which Curwen credited to Tsathoggua, involved directing vendors to obtain more of their alien technology from Chinese factories, and less from the Mi-Go. This should enable the company to offer brain canisters and nerve whips at half the price of any other retailer. "This will not only improve our retail profit margin, but reduce our operational costs." Curwen declined to elaborate on this last statement.

Despite general optimism over Curwen's appointment, some analysts have expressed concerns over Tsathoggua's lethargy and bulk, saying that, even if he managed to fit into the board room, the Great Old One would sleep through important meetings and not contribute to long-term growth. While Tsathoggua's only response was to squint his eyes and belch, Curwen dismisses such claims. "This is a non-issue. Tsathoggua's management expertise is legend, and Wal-Mart, like most corporations, has been accommodating hairy toad-beasts in its offices and meeting rooms for a long time."

Curwen and Tsathoggua took positions which opened after a spate of high-level terminations. As the scandal at the Happy Horns hunting lodge in south Texas emerges, rumors abound that the executives in question were caught dancing horribly by the light of the gibbous moon. Meanwhile, Officer Jim Jackson, who made the initial arrests, suggests that something else was going on. "Well, I'm not at liberty as they say, but I can tell you we was less worried about the moon or the dancing than about their partners." When asked what kind of partners he was referring to, Jackson added, "I reckon if you give some thought to how old they was, and which side of the border they was from, and what they did after the dancing, it might help you understand why these fellas are in so much trouble."

Tanith E. Howard