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Fafblog of Christmas Past

  • 03/01/2003 - 03/31/2003
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  • Posts Most Likely To Succeed

    Fafnews
    How To Get Out Of Iraq: Parts 1 2 3 4
    Fafblog Economy Watch: The Weak Dollar
    Orange Alert!
    Our resolve? Strong!
    The Fafblog Terrorist Voting Guide
    my afternoon with ralph
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    we are now at Gibwatch Theta
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    consumers in toyland!
    drivin with Donald
    Of Course There Won't Be A Draft!: The FAQ
    i say genocide you say po-tah-to
    laundry time
    classroom activities
    no missile left behind
    SOCIAL SECURITY CRISIS!: The FAQ!

    Gibletorials
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    Stand tall, Florida!
    The Passion: a review
    The Giblets Doctrine
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    O Reagan My Reagan
    If you're tired of Coke you are tired of America
    Think Giblets or Think Small
    an address concerning Gibletsianity
    Would You, Could You, In a Box?
    Giblets Is Legend

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    Howard Dean: Unelectable?
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    Ride On, O White Liberal Knight...
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    President Kerry: A Terrifying Future
    Ronald Reagan: In Memoriam
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    Tuesday, March 21, 2006
    The Nation That Knew Too Much

    Millions were outraged to learn last December that the president had authorized a warrantless domestic spy program in direct violation of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act. The news represented a breach of a sacred trust: a violation not only of law, but of one of the most fundamental social contracts in democratic society. This time, the press had gone too far.

    Were it not for the New York Times, the American people would never have been menaced by this rogue information. Oh, terrorists would still be aware the U.S. was trying to wiretap them, but they wouldn’t know it was trying to wiretap them illegally. Now that information has fallen into enemy hands, and it could be used to orchestrate the most dangerous attacks on the American government the United States has ever known: censure, Congressional hearings, or even an independent investigation – all of which could prove devastating in the Global War Against the President’s Approval Ratings. And make no mistake, my friends: that is exactly the war we must fight when we confront the teeming terrorist hordes. For how can America’s troops maintain their fighting spirit when their Commander-in-Chief is polling in the mid-thirties?

    Indeed, just by discussing this we provide aid and comfort to the enemy; the Medium Lobster has committed six counts of treason in this article alone. But at least one senator is finally putting a stop to this horrifying display of free expression. Mike DeWine of Ohio has crafted a bill that will not only make the president’s warrantless wiretapping program legal, but will also prosecute anyone who publishes a story about it. Tragically, Senator DeWine’s bill simply doesn’t go far enough. It’s one thing to ban journalists from talking about the NSA program, but what’s truly needed is a law to prevent the public from thinking about it. Classified information has been leaked to a public that was never meant to know it, and as long as Americans are free to think classified thoughts, they can silently undermine the president in a time of war from deep within seditious skulls. The occupation of America’s frontal lobes by the United States military may be long and costly, but the cause of freedom requires many a sacrifice.

     
    ¶ posted by Medium Lobster at 8:34 PM
    the third anniversary

    This week is the third anniversary of a pretty big event - a twenty-first century milestone that changed America and the world forever. Some people supported it an thousands protested but everybody pretty much agrees nothin's the same now that it's here. That's why Fafblog is focusing this week on one of the defining political moments of our decade: the founding of Fafblog.

    A lot's happened since that fateful spring afternoon when we brought a blog to life with some sewn-together monkey parts in a thunderstorm. Today of course Fafblog is read by billions a senators an popes, wrestles an alligator on CSPAN every day an gets injected into dairy cows to build strong bones an shiny teeth! We brought Howard Dean to life with a magic top hat an sent over that bald stripper for the White House's birthday party an who could forget the day we teamed up with Powerline an all the little blogs down in Whoville to kill Saddam Hussein with Dan Rather's typewriter an save Christmas forever! In the future Fafblog will be beamed one billion posts at a time into a tiny bar code tattooed onto the inside of your brain as part of the new and terrifying world order of the evil robo-apes and our billions of fans will still love every minute of it. But will we have Gone Too Far? No! Cause deep down inside no matter how much money an fame an gold-plated brains we get we're still doin it all the kids. Viva us! Viva Fafblog!

     
    ¶ posted by Fafnir at 5:47 PM
    Tuesday, March 14, 2006
    Friday Pie-Blogging: Tuesday Is For Your Own Good Edition

    Today we’re gonna do somethin different. Insteada today’s regular pie, we’re gonna have you try some of this delicious special medical pie!

    Of course this is pie! It’s just special liquid medicinal pie recommended by nine outta ten doctors an pharmacists. They’re standin right over there along with representatives from the pie industry. They’re smilin an wavin an they totally think you oughtta drink this pie before you start gettin some adverse pie withdrawal symptoms like fever or spontaneous eyeball tumors. The tenth doctor and/or pharmacist was tied in a burlap sack an beaten with a stick til he apologized for giving you the impression that this pie was not the highest possible quality pie.

    This pie may cause headaches, nausea, dizziness, drowsiness, gout, emphysema, epilepsy, narcolepsy, pancreatitis, cirrhosis of the liver, cirrhosis of the brain, brain worms, space madness, and complete spontaneous explodification of the everything. May. It may also cure cancer, give you x-ray vision and super-strength, and get you into exclusive parties with top celebrities like George Clooney and Jesus.

    In the future all pie will be taken in pill form with a dose of 24-hour time-released ice cream. The cost of new experimental pie skyrockets while underground labs keep cranking out dangerously delicious new pastries for the cream junkies to shoot up. A concerned Congress resolves that dessert has become alarmingly fun and appoints a new pastry czar to deal with the crisis. He sits in his office and nervously eyes a large apple pie with a fluffy light crust in a clear plastic bag labeled This is a Class C pie. Is it good? Is it bad? Is it delicious? He eats it and finds out.

     
    ¶ posted by Fafnir at 8:13 PM
    and so Nothing Week comes to an end

    So we just finished up our first extra-special theme week here on Fafblog, Nothing Week! Let's see what the critics are sayin.

    "Stupid and lame!" – Giblets

    "A symphony of nothing, written in the language of pure squat! Genius!" – John Cage

    "Stupid and boring!" – Giblets

    "As I am drawn into the depths of the horror of Nothing Week I must reject the evidence of my senses and recognize the Something Week within, lest I fail the highest test of faith - oh no, it's God and he's coming to eat me!" - Soren Kierkegaard

    "Stupid and boring and stupid and lame and stupid!" – Giblets

    Sounds like a hit! We'll have to do it again sometime. Meanwhile we just got borin ol Something Week comin up. Oh well!

     
    ¶ posted by Fafnir at 4:33 PM
    Friday, March 03, 2006
    Giblets Versus the News

  • A Zogby poll released this week shows that 72% of U.S. troops in Iraq want America to pull out of the war within a year or less, bringing Giblets to only one conclusion: America's troops are undermining America's troops! The only solution is for the army to detain itself for providing aid and comfort to the enemy.
  • A group of congressmen is asking the GAO how much it costs the federal government to prosecute users of medical marijuana. Well Giblets will tell you how much it costs: as much as necessary to put these doddering dope fiends behind bars where they belong! Medical marijuana is a gateway medicine, people! One minute you're smokin' up for your migraines and the next you're shootin' up for cancer! Just last week Giblets saw an eighty-year-old glaucoma patient knock over a liquor store to pay for another quick fix. Someone must stop the madness!
  • If anything, this pre-Katrina video clip proves that George Bush knows how to handle a hurricane. Oh sure, some other presidents might be saying things or thinking things or "planning" for "flood response" and "emergency evacuations." But George Bush knows you can't cut and run in front of the hurricane without emboldening future hurricanes.
  • The Patriot Act was renewed by an overwhelming majority in the Senate this week, and it's about damn time! If Congress didn't renew it, George Bush would just have to keep using it illegally, meaning the ten senators who voted against the act are guilty of plotting to trick the president into breaking his own oath of office. Russ Feingold, Giblets finds you guilty of treason! Treason as hopefully redefined by the Patriot Act.

      ¶ posted by Giblets at 3:08 PM
  • Thursday, March 02, 2006
    This War Needs A Birthday Party

    Well I hope you’re happy America. After months a lookin at Iraq an goin “maybe we shouldn’t invade, there might be a civil war” an “hey the Sunnis and the Shiites really don’t get along, they might have a civil war” an “they really seem to be shooting and killing each other a lot, is this a civil war?”, now there’s a civil war! And all because of you. Oh I’ve heard all the excuses – “the war has failed because of poor planning, the war has failed because of sectarian divisions, the war was based on a fundamentally misbegotten premise” – but those are all just the kinda excuses you tell yourself to feel better. There’s only one reason the war’s falling apart, and it’s pretty obvious: because you hurt its feelings.

    Like right after the invasion when the rioting started up, you coulda been all supportive an said “Hey war, it’s alright, somebody just stole 380 tons of high-grade explosives from me last week too!” That coulda made the war feel a lot more positive about itself. Or when the Abu Ghraib scandals broke you coulda looked on the bright side an gone “Hey, you’re lookin less torturey than you used to!” Or when the civil war started you coulda said “Y’know what, you look pretty good in a civil war, this could be a whole new you.”

    Instead all the war ever hears is “this is a bad war, let’s get away from this war, I wish this war was never born!” And how do you think that makes the war feel? It feels sad and unloved. It looks up at older wars like the Revolutionary War and World War II and That Time We Blew Up Grenada and thinks “How come they love those wars more than me?” It loses concentration in school. It starts hangin out with bad influences like Vietnam. It’s not even keepin in shape anymore. I saw the war walkin down the street the other day an it was thirty pounds overweight, stinkin of booze and covered with torture camps and death squads.

    Last week Musab al Zarqawi was about to give up violence forever and spend the day makin cookies for his local interfaith bake sale when an antiwar diary on DailyKos.com broke his heart an convinced im to kick off a wave of bloody sectarian violence instead. For shame, America. For shame.

    Last year the war had a birthday an nobody even gave it cake. The war just sat in an empty little room with the editorial staff a The Weekly Standard singin “Happy Birthday to me” real quietlike an tryin to hold back the tears. Well I’m not gonna let that happen this year! This year we’re gonna be there with party hats an ice cream an everything so the war can get it’s self esteem back an feel like it can grow up to be anything it wants to be! Come and bring a present! This year the war would like a new bicycle, a gift certificate or an exit strategy.

     
    ¶ posted by Fafnir at 6:05 PM
    Monday, February 27, 2006
    Seven Species Of Conifer Giblets Can Never Forgive

    1. The Rocky Mountain Douglas-fir for its obtuse conversation
    2. The Bigcone Douglas-fir for its long association with the Rocky Mountain Douglas-fir
    3. The Alpine Spruce for its disappointing performance in the men’s decathlon
    4. The Bristlecone Pine for lying in wait to ambush Giblets for four thousand years
    5. The Western Prickly Juniper for double-crossing Giblets, stranding him in Bangkok and handing over the emerald spider to Alfonse LaFarge and his cabal of undead ninja assassins
    6. The Tamarack Larch for its small round seed cones, three-sided blue-green deciduous needles and ability to thrive in severe climactic conditions
    7. The Giant Redwood for teaching Giblets to dream before falling over and crushing his house

     
    ¶ posted by Giblets at 10:38 PM
    stranded!

    “Okay, first things first,” says me. “As chairman of the island inventory subcommittee I move that we check on our supplies.”
    “Motion seconded,” says Giblets. “One desert island, check!”
    “One palm tree, check!” says me.
    “One coconut, check!” says Giblets.
    “Well that’s everything,” says me. “Any new business?”
    Giblets raises his hand. “As chairman of the survival subcommittee Giblets moves that we eat the coconut,” says Giblets.
    “Now Giblets we been over this before,” says me. “As chairman of the entertainment subcommittee the coconut’s made a lotta worthwhile contributions.”
    “The coconut has been useless!” says Giblets. “Its entertainment initiatives have been poor to middling at best. Sand checkers was a vast disappointment, sand hockey was a disaster, and the sand television project was distinctly underwhelming!”
    “The coconut also found us that book,” says me. “And books can take us on journeys of the imagination!”
    “That book was Principles of Macroeconomics, and its journey of the imagination was boring and lame!” says Giblets.
    “I’m Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke,” says Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke, “and together we can travel to the magical world of aggregate choice!”
    “Yknow Giblets its real easy to criticize but it’s not so easy to do somethin about it,” says me. “What would you do to improve on the entertainment record of the coconut administration?”
    “Well for starters we could eat the coconut,” says Giblets. “Then we could juggle the two halves of the empty coconut.”
    “Well that’s just ridiculous,” says me. “The coconut is the only one of us who even knows how to juggle.”
    “Giblets finds the coconut’s claims on the juggling issue highly suspect,” says Giblets. “Giblets says we put coconut-eating to a vote!”
    “Well alright then,” says me. The vote goes one for and one against. The coconut abstains.
    “Stupid coconut!” says Giblets. “It’s never on Giblets’s side!”
    Giblets sighs and chews on the palm tree. The coconut just sits there.
    “So what kinda hallucinatory food are you seein right now?” says me.
    “Right now you appear to be an amiable talking ham,” says Giblets.
    “You look like several cans of vegetarian chili sorta stacked in the shape of you,” says me.
    “See that doesn’t really work as well,” says Giblets.
    “Yeah I know,” says me.

     
    ¶ posted by Fafnir at 9:13 PM
    we now return to our regular programming

    Annnnnnnd we're back! Back with the best readers ever! No no, we mean it, you guys really are the greatest. It's not just the life-saving and crazily generous donations talking. It is genuine love.

     
    ¶ posted by Fafnir at 6:48 PM
    Thursday, February 23, 2006
    Fafblogathon 2006: ain’t too proud to beg

    As part of our ongoing mission to bring the best possible product to you the consumer, we here at Fafblog have spent the last several months poor, sick, and uninsured. Why? So that when we eventually write about it (“Single Payer Health Care Pie,” March 14; “Can’t Afford the Internet Pie” March 21; “Homeless and Destitute Pie,” April 23) we will have conducted the exhaustive research that our loyal readers demand.

    So all this week we’ll be beggin our readers for money. Our initial goal is ten billion dollars, which should be just enough to pay for Little Jimmy’s new set a crutches an his organ transplant. You don’t wanna hurt Little Jimmy, do you, readers? He has to get up every mornin with his impoverished dust bowl era family an drag his iron lung down to the farm to pick bandwidth for the blog. You don’t have to donate to Little Jimmy, but if you don’t it means you have no soul.

    This is also your chance to support the unique kinda programmin you only find on Fafblog, like our award-winning historical drama Muskets of the Civil War or our heartland travelogue series Travels With Giblets! Call now and support Fafblog with a pledge of ten dollars or more and you’ll get this free picture of a complimentary tote bag! If you are not donating please do not download the tote bag. It is an honor system tote bag.


     
    ¶ posted by Fafnir at 5:19 PM
    Wednesday, February 22, 2006
    Friday Pie-Blogging: Imaginary Wednesday Edition

    You’re lost in the desert an you’re outta water an there’s jackals after you but it’ll all be worth it once you get over that next sand dune and reach the delicious desert pie on the other side. You’ve been headin towards it for a coupla hours now an it doesn’t really seem to be gettin any closer but that’s probably cause it’s one a those movin pies you heard about, like NASA’s orbital pielab or the rare South American walking pie. Maybe you just gotta run a little faster. Maybe you can sneak up on it or lure it into a clever pie trap. Maybe this is the deadly pie madness your colorful native guide warned you about.

    “The desert pie, she plays tricks on the mind!” said your colorful native guide. “The heat and the sand and the wind bake a pie made of crazy which no man can capture – or resist! Turn back while you can, señor!” But if you stayed outta the desert you’d never find the lost Aztec treasure-pie of Quetzalcoatl, ritually sprinkled with gold dust and fed to the ancient Incan pastry-kings to bless them with immortality and long life and death by gold poisoning. And with this ancient crayon treasure map your friend the leprechaun just gave you you oughtta find the ancient temple in no time! Right after you get yourself some a this pie. You can almost taste it now, and it tastes like victory – hot, dry, sandy victory. “Go back, laddie! It ain’t worth it!” says the leprechaun. Oh, what do leprechauns know about pie anyway! Now all you need is some ice cream from that magical flyin camel over there an you’ll be sittin pretty.

     
    ¶ posted by Fafnir at 7:16 PM
    I'm Fafnir! Are you Fafnir? No? Look closer. There! You were Fafnir all along.

    Here is Giblets. "Giblets demands satisfaction!" says Giblets. Giblets is a very demanding Giblets.

    The Medium Lobster is a higher being with superior knowledge from beyond space and time. To your limited perception, he appears to be just another medium lobster. To your limited perception.

    Stay away from this fish. It has too much moxie.Why not visit the Fafshop! It's the whole world's only source for Fafshop.

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