March 21, 2006
#(*%*$%^*#%
and can someone tell me how to fix my blog?
today was a very exhausting day.
i did not expect to spend the whole morning learning how certain goats must be grouped together and other goats should be grouped together for the maximum benefit of the heards. who knew that animals could be so complicated?
i did not.
however, i stuck it out, the head goatherd teaching me the best way to accomplish my task. and after our lesson, i wearily went back to my post, to attempt to do even more. to include at least a little more of what i had learned. and, overall i'd say i did... well. not terrible but certainly not top notch. i feel like i'm busting my ass and i'm just not topping out at full capacity.
confidence though, i have. i am confident that i will reach that top mark. i will be the best goatherd i can be.
it will be my biggest accomplishment.
morning gray ignites a twisted mess of foreign shapes and sounds,
i wish the ceiling was the ground.
i'll send you flowers made of silent tiny pieces of the sun
to help me make up for this one.
while you send me tidal waves of love when you're alone,
and i can't remember what you do.
to find a way to turn the signal back to heaven sounding blue
and bring me faithful back to you.
if she don't hold me right,
she's never going to get me there.
ind she don't hold me right,
she's never going to get me there, not tonight.
if we break off gently in slow motion,
spinning outward into space.
my hand, always firm and gently at the wheel,
while you sweetly hold my face.
and i need you to give it meaning,
i need you to share the view.
or it becomes a time for me to love myself,
like every other thing i do.
if she don't hold me right,
she's never going to get me there.
if she don't hold me right,
she's never going to get me there, not tonight.
i've been meaning to write about my job, and i will at some point soon, however, it will not be now because i just don't feel all that motivated writing about goats. yes, goats. you wouldn't believe me if i told you, so i'll wait.
instead, i want to speak about the oddity that is coming home from work and being alone. it is indeed odd, as i am never truly alone. and yet, i came home, to only rhoda and george and she was not here and it was... strange.
i entered and felt very small. carrying in groceries that i had chosen myself, a strange occurance indeed. but after i had put away the groceries, and fed the babies, and taken off the clothing i wore to the job i had today, i felt overwhelmingly alone. (please note here that the first word i typed was lonely, and how i changed it because i really don't feel lonely at all) and... that doesn't happen often.
when it does though, it comes hard and fast and it's very difficult to communicate those feelings of separate(ness). of alone(ness). those feelings you get when you realize that you are by yourself and can choose to take off your pants and dance around your (humble) abode without offending the one you love most with your horrid dancing and singing or not. those feelings that tell you, after you put away all of the groceries, it's okay to realize that you weren't hungry for any of that food in the first place and really just wanted some ice cold water. or not. you know what i am talking about. don't you?
those feelings.
liberating, but moreso frightening because they are always new and always different, and they tend to creep up on you pretty fast. but it makes you thankful. it makes you thankful of what you have. and it creates a sense of awe once you realize that the ball is in your own court.
even better? knowing that it has been your ball all along.
frightening isn't necessarily a bad thing, and neither is being or feeling liberated. (unless you live in iraq.)
p.s.
i love you and i love what we have together. even when we have to do things without each other. it just shows to me how dynamic our relationship is and just how many things are possible when we are together. thank you for putting a smile on my face, just by thinking about your smile. that's what love is all about isn't it?
you'd probably be more believable if you stopped saying the same thing over and over again. you spend all this time thinking up ways to reinvent yourself that really, the only thing you are accomplishing is showing how much you are exactly the same. now, don't get me wrong. i'm not saying i'm better than you. but i'm not trying to convince myself that i've changed. in fact, i'm pretty much exactly the same. oh things have changed. circumstances, life, priorities. all of the important things, but me? yeah, i'm pretty much the same. still happy. still fulfilled. still feeling no need to impress upon the world that i'm a "better" person. a "good" person. honestly, i just don't care that much about what anyone thinks of me. of what anyone might assume about me. i go out of my way to lead my life so that people don't have to assume things about me. i'm honest with myself and i'm honest with those i interact with. and i've found that for me personally, it works. that simple act alone has been powerful enough to pave this path that has become my life. it's become a cycle. the more i am myself, the more i like myself. the more i enjoy my life, the more enjoyable my life becomes. the richer the experiences i have daily, the richer my days have become. and i will say, that it's about damn time. we (you know, my better half no one seemed to think was worth anything) waited for so long and endured a bunch of shit to get where we are now. but, i can't complain. it makes what we have now much much sweeter. things are constant, predictable and yet, so so so suprising when i think about. but back to that cycle...
i get up in the morning, get ready for work, make my commute, work an average of 10 hours a day, make my commute home, meet up with ash at some point, eat dinner, watch television/read the internets/work online, then go to bed where i fall asleep wrapped up in the most comfortable snuggle i've ever had, only to wake up early the next day and do it all over again. once upon a time, that lifestyle bored me so much so that i constantly searched for something different. these days i wouldn't change it for the world. i wouldn't change anything in my life for the world. the good and the bad. i can be honest enough with myself that things aren't perfect with my life. yeah i've made mistakes, yes there are things beyond my control that i'd love to see change, blah blah blah. i don't really make those things a priority. i try to focus on the good. i don't exploit my misery. heh. maybe i have changed. don't be jealous. and stop making me laugh. it makes me feel badly for you.
so, in my spare time, (which is a joke as i don't have spare time these days) i've been working here. you might have noticed? (you probably didn't... it's okay, i'm not offended) anyway, it's a work in progress, like so many things going on right now, so for the next few days/weeks/months there will probably be many missing/broken/invisible links to other pages that may or may not be worth reading. i've been writing however, and i'll probably post some of that here, although the dates will be current. (or estimated) so, that's it. i'm getting this place working again and then i'll be able to get ash's working too.