But it left all the p*ssies…

So curiosity got the best of me and when I returned home from the gym this evening (how do you think I get this six-pack), I flipped on the Travis County Access channel to watch the House in action as they debated HB 3. They just passed Amendment 33 (something about immigration) by Rep. Rafael Anchia. Rep. Jim Dunnam was at the back mic with a parliamentary inquiry about lobbyists trolling the back halls where they don’t belong. He was told that his inquiry would be considered, which means that Speaker Craddick was busy in the back halls taking favors from lobbyists.

Ohhh look! It’s Rep. Patrick Rose! I believe he’s legal now but he still looks like he should be speaking at some college Young Democrats- turned-basically-Republican-because-I’m-in-a-conservative-district meeting. (Oh yeah, THOSE.) Rep. Dan Gattis just said ‘back door’ which makes me laugh because yes I AM THAT IMMATURE.

I’ll keep live blogging after the jump until Law & Order comes on and then perhaps I will live blog that.

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If I close my eyes, I can still hear that opening theme song - you know the one. Da Dah, Da DAH, da Dah da da da da da DAHHH da da da DAAHHHH. Dallas. A place that seemed so far away from McLean. This was also the medley that alerted my parents to run into the family room and turn off the TV because God knows it was too racy for their daughters. We weren’t allowed to watch The Facts of Life either. Which is why I am now a Lifetime Television junkie. All the smut you can handle.

And now the invevitable has happened: ‘Dallas: The Movie.’ Starring John Travolta as JR Ewing and… J. Lo as his wife Sue Ellen. Now Travolta I can handle, despite his scientology freakiness. His turn as Bud in ‘Urban Cowboy’ is evidence enough. But J. Lo? Now that’s just wrong. Unless you’re convinced that ‘Maid in Manhattan’ prepared her for a role as a Dallas alcoholic socialite. There’s a rumor that Brad Pitt will even play Ray Krebbs. I just want to know who’s playing my personal favorite, Bobby Ewing - although, let’s face it, who can replace Patrick Duffy? And his wife? Victoria Principal’s performance as Pamela simply can’t be matched.

I do look forward to these exchanges between Travolta and Lopez:

“You know, Sue Ellen, I do believe you’re going 90 miles an hour toward a nervous breakdown. We’re going to have to do something about your ravings.”

“Go to bed Sue Ellen, there’s nothing uglier than a woman who can’t handle her liquor!”

“Sue Ellen, you’re a drunk, a tramp, and an unfit mother.”

“Which slut are you going to stay with tonight, J.R.?” “Whoever it is has got to be more interesting than the slut I’m looking at right now.”

Ed. Note: Yes, I am keenly aware that there’s something called a special session going on. I remember the days of live-blogging these dog-and-pony shows (not to insult dogs and ponies) and then realizing that nothing had happened. Well now I’ve realized that BEFORE the fact, saving me countless hours of watching a tiny screen on my monitor. Worst. Show. Ever.

The only thing I know about protocol I learned from watching the Goldie Hawn movie of the same name. However, I was pretty sure that there were people in our government whose sole job was to make sure the protocol was correct when foreign dignitaries visit. Now I’m not so sure.

Chinese President Hu Jintao came to Washington on Thursday for a visit to the White House (or he totally would have been at the ITPT/PD party). He got the usual 21-gun salute, a meal of Alaskan halibut shot by Dick Cheney and a photo op with President Bush “who nodded and smiled as if he understood Chinese while Hu spoke.”

It started off badly when the announcer said the band would play the “national anthem of the Republic of China.” That’s Taiwan. Then Dick Cheney put on sunglasses for the ceremony. At least he didn’t put on a parka like he did for the Auschwitz ceremony in 2005. Hu pulled a Dubya and tried to leave from the wrong staircase, and Bush pulled him back by his jacket.

That George is a prankster. After confirming that she was indeed not a male prostitute, the White House gave press credentials to a Falun Gong activist who had previously heckled Hu’s predecessor in Malta. And 90 seconds into the speech she screamed, “President Hu, your days are numbered!” and “President Bush, stop him from killing!” Bush nodded and smiled as if he understood English while she yelled. It took a full three minutes for the Secret Service to silence her, which is really good considering she was a woman.

But Hu got the last laugh. How? By putting peepee in Bush’s Coke.

Former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay took the stand in his criminal trial this morning saying that “I would never have thought ever that I would be in criminal court defending charges… Usually we get away with this sort of thing.” His defense attorney spoke of Lay’s childhood as the son of a country minister in small-town Missouri, where he dreamed of one day becoming the most hated man in Houston.

Lay is facing six charges of conspiracy and securities fraud but he swears that CFO Andrew Fastow (who bears an uncanny resemblance to Jack Abramoff) is the one to blame. Lay told jurors that he has tried to live his life with ‘high morals and standards’ but admits that living with no morals or standards was ‘a lot more fun.’ Lay also said that he had been looking forward to ‘a more relaxed life’ after Enron and retiring ‘on the backs of his employees.’

[Editor’s Note: My father is a radiologist (now retired) and he would totally disapprove of the following guest post. Good thing he lives in Florida and rarely reads my blog as the pool area does not have wireless. He always hoped that one of his daughters would become a doctor. I bet he never dreamed that one of us would become a blogger.]

By Guest Commentator Capitol P.I .

The Docs’ amendment to HB3 - allowing doctors, dentists and other medical professionals to deduct their costs for “un-reimbursed” care - takes greed to a new level. The amendment is nothing but a disguised tax expenditure to benefit a privileged few at the expense of other taxpayers and funding for our kids’ education. Talk about power-drunk piggies at the trough.

Health care professionals have the highest earnings in the U.S. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the top 11 of 13 occupations in earnings are health care professionals. Anesthesiologists top the list, making a median annual income of over $326,000. The average person in the U.S. earns around $28,760. And given Texas’ regressive taxes, health care professionals, who rank among the wealthiest Texans, are paying only 3% of their income in state and local taxes, while middle class Texans are paying 8% and the poor 11%.

But Texas medical professionals, apparently suffering terribly financially, have decided it would be right and just if they got a special deduction for “un-reimbursed” care. Many others provide charitable services - lawyers, public relations specialists, accountants, non-professionals, etc. - but only the docs get a charitable deduction. How sweet it is.

Docs get such a big, vague deduction I doubt many will pay any business taxes. First, they get to deduct from their tax liability ALL the payments they receive for treating patients in FIVE separate programs: Medicaid, CHIP, Workers’ Comp., the Tri-Care Federal Military Health Plan and Medicare.

They argue that these programs under-pay them but fail to note that their high charges for their privately insured and paying patients help subsidize their other patients. And no evidence has been presented (none is needed when you have power) showing this deduction is the appropriate amount for the varying reimbursement rates for the five different government programs. It is well known, however, that Medicare reimbursements are much higher than Medicaid. But the Docs get a full deduction for both. And no one wants to talk about the huge amount of Medicaid fraud by doctors, documented in numerous studies. It’s nice to be a taker.

In addition, the Docs get to deduct for private patients the difference between the “actual cost” for all their procedures and what they are paid. The Comptroller is supposed to pass rules on how to compute the “actual cost,” although how that will be done for varying regions, specialties and types of medical professionals isn’t explained.

The likelihood the next Comptroller will pass a tough regulation or have the resources or the will to enforce this provision is slight. Many Docs will just create their own high “actual cost” figure and deduct the difference between that and what the insurance company pays them. For example, a Doc could say removing a cyst in 15 minutes costs $1200, then get paid “only” $600 by the insurance company and deduct $600 from their tax liability. Happy days for Docs are here again.

Things have changed with Texas Docs’ attitudes. In 1997, when then-Gov. George Bush proposed a business tax, doctors didn’t propose a deduction for “unreimbursed” care. They knew it would be asking for way too much. But today, drunk on power and with a Governor with a weak hand who desperately needs a business tax bill, doctors couldn’t restrain themselves.

I’ve always wondered about the value and legitimacy of endorsements in local elections from police or firefighter organizations. Candidates love to tout those endorsements, but do they garner additional votes as a result? How do these organizations decide who to endorse, and is it ever more than a handful of members who make the actual decision? In my mind, the process is similar to school children hocking $1 candy bars for band or some other club; first kid/candidate to knock on the door gets the sale/endorsement.

(Knock at the door of the Austin Association of Professional Firefighters)

“Hi, I’m Jennifer Kim. I’m selling candy bars/running for city council? Would you like to buy one/endorse me?”

“Aren’t you adorable? Sure, we’ll buy one/endorse you.”

(One week later…Knock at the door.)

“Hi, I’m Margot Clarke. I’m selling candy bars/running for city council? Would you like to buy one/endorse me?”

“Oh, I’m sorry. We already bought one from/endorsed the last little girl that was here.”

One sure-fire way to not gain the endorsement of a police organization: make a joke about killing cops. Attorney Will Kautz is one of four candidates for McCracken county district judge in Paducah, KY (the Alexandria of western Kentucky and a breezy, 45 minute drive from the soon to be historic Birthplace of TJ Shroat). During a taped (whoops) hearing for a client charged with marijuana trafficking, Kautz joked with the judge that the police had added marijuana to the amount originally charged.

Judge Dixon responded: “The police are really going to love you now.”

Kautz: “Oh you know, they’re going to love my rap song too and my new jingle.”

Dixon laughs and asks, “It’s a rap jingle?”

Kautz then says, “Kill a cop, shoot a cop, vote for Will Kautz.” He immediately adds, “Naw, I’m kidding.”

The recording of that exchange was later played on several local stations. I’ve only lived in Texas for nine years, so I don’t claim to have a nuanced understanding of the Texas voter. However, I can say with some confidence that joking about killing police just doesn’t play in Kentucky. It’s not a good way to win voters. Especially when reporters covering the story interview the widows of dead cops for their reactions. “What did you think of Mr. Kautz joke about killing cops? Funny to you, or not so much?” They didn’t seem to care for it? Wow, man bites dog.

Kautz’s law firm specializes in personal injury law and DUI cases. He has over twenty years of experience representing the drunk and the clumsy of western Kentucky and southern Illinois. Judging by the website, he’s the type of lawyer who advertises on the back of phone books and during 2 AM Home Improvement reruns. (“Oh, you do know Betty Blackwell?”) His firm has the endorsement of NASCAR driver and noted drunk, Tony Stewart, so maybe he would have won. Now? Probably not. He’ll need to do a lot of gay bashing to get back into the race.

Kautz, of course, issued a public apology for the comment. He has yet to apologize to the hip-hop community. To me, that is the most galling aspect of this story. His beat box was highly derivative to the Fat Boys, circa 1986. No real new direction. Kill a cop, shoot a cop, vote for Will Kautz? That shit don’t even rhyme.

*UPDATE* - Due to popular demand (and by ‘popular,’ I mean a couple requests), it’s time to start captioning these photos. I’ll start. Photo #9, me at the beginning of the night. Photo #36, me at the end of the night. That’s my drunk smile, usually signaling that it’s about time for Wendy’s drive-thru.

I fell in love at the Pink Party with each and every one of you. (But not in a dirty Charlie sort of way.) And if you came up and told me your alter ego identity, your secret is safe with me as I was, you know, blitzed. I vaguely recall meeting Zenshine, Lurker and UT Guy (thanks for the roses). One day, I’m going to become a real grown up like DMWP and Lurkette and drink martinis by the pound so I don’t wake up with these wretched wine headaches.

And g-damn if some legislators didn’t show up. Actually, the first to show was Chairman Jim Pitts, who was there at 6PM. After realizing it didn’t start until 7PM, he made a quick redfaced exit and, to my knowledge, did not reappear. The Great Carter Casteel waltzed in to applause and The Eyes of Texas. Rep. Aaron Peña was there as was Rep. Ryan Guillen, Rep. Yvonne Gonzalez Toureilles and Rep. Armando “Mando” Martinez. Later, Rep. Lois Kolkhorst (Madam Speaker?) and Rep. Dan Branch strolled in. When I was talking with Branch, I told him that the first time he was mentioned on my blog, we called him the best-looking legislator. Awkward silence followed (this often happens to me) and he went off to do lemon drops with Pink Dome.

JCBT decided to reveal himself (but not in a dirty Charlie sort of way) and he was able to meet his female fan club. I thought they were going to rip his clothes off in a David Cassidy or Leif Garrett kind of way. By the end of the night, he was getting marriage proposals and one starstruck girl said she could do “dirty dirty things to him.” However, pursuant to his ITPT contract, JCBT has taken a vow of celibacy in order to channel all his energies into his writing. Sorry, ladies. There were some ITPT staffers who did not show up at the party (Fled, Denton), and they will be dealt with accordingly.

It would be remiss of me to not thank the party sponsors and I hate being remiss. Hats off to Capitol Crowd, Stanford Campaigns, Don’t Mess W/ Pink (who’s that?), Grits for Breakfast, Larry Stallings for Texas HD 122, Karl-Thomas Musselman from BOR, Brett Stroud of Waddell & Reed (who’s that?), Eddie Rodriguez from TheRedState.com and some guy called Anonymous. And of course, Pink Dome, who made it all happen.
And now, without further ado, the incriminating photos (with more after the jump)…
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In anticipation of the ITPT/PD orgy tonight, I thought I would give some advice to one of those lucky guys who manages to bag a woman wearing a quilted vest adorned with cats. It’s some advice from Dr. Victoria Zdrok, an online women’s sexuality correspondent. That may be lower than a blogger. But she’s hot, and you should always listen to hot chicks.It’s called ‘10 Irritating Things Men Do In Bed.’ Only 10? I guess she stopped at 10 because math is hard.

1- Leaving your socks or shoes on

“Forget what you learned from watching porn.” I’m not sure I’ve learned anything else. This is probably a good idea though because you might get dirt in her bed or on one her 37 pillows, and that will kill the mood for her. She’s allowed to leave her shoes on if they’re nice.

2- Answering your cell phone

According to a BBDO Worldwide survey, 15% of Americans have answered a call during sex. I think that all 15% are women. Granted, a guy would take a phone call in the middle of surgery if he thought it would lead to sex, but if he’s already having sex he won’t answer.

3- Engaging in small talk

“The only thing you should be talking about is how much she turns you on and how great it feels to be inside her.” And that’s not even necessary. You’ve already gotten into her pants so there’s really no reason to talk to her ever again.

4- Watching anything other than her

Sex with the tv on? “A study by an Italian sexologist has found that couples who have a TV set in their bedroom have sex only half as often as those who don’t.” They instead watch a lot of Bravo and do crossword puzzles. Remember, sex is all about focusing on her. Ok, everything is about focusing on her, but today’s lesson is sex.

5- Drooling on her (or spitting globs of saliva on her face)

Women like to be drooled over, but not on. And call me old fashioned, but when did spitting in a woman’s face during sex become taboo? I think feminism has finally gone too far.

6- Collapsing two seconds after your climax

Or faking your own death after your climax. Chicks want to cuddle. Chicks probably want to cuddle more than they want to have sex. Men do have a physiological excuse for falling asleep afterwards. I don’t think ‘If you don’t have sex with me, I’ll die’ is based in physiology however. Instead put on some loud ass dance music, drink a red bull or have sex where you’re unlikely to fall asleep. Like while reading ITPT.

7- Mentioning the sexual skills of other women

“Don’t ever, ever talk about other women while making love.” Don’t ever, ever talk about other women while doing anything, but saying “You don’t f*ck as well as my second wife” won’t earn you any brownie points. If you have to talk, talk about her. You can ask her what her name is or something equally charming.

8- Turning sex into stand-up comedy

This is especially true if you’re a prop comic. “Being silly or laughing can hamper her arousal and trivialize the sexual experience for her.” She is allowed to laugh at your penis though so don’t have sex after swimming.

9- Using infantile pet names for body parts

“Call a clit a clit, and a vagina is a vagina, not a wee-wee.” Now I’m confused. I always thought a penis was a wee-wee, and a vagina was a hoo-hoo. And I have no idea what a clit is or where it’s found. She doesn’t want to feel like a little girl playing doctor. She wants to feel like a big girl having sex with a doctor. No stirrups though. You also shouldn’t give names to your penis like ‘Jr’ or ‘Prince Coozie.’

10- Forgetting about your physiological differences

A vagina is not a trampoline.

Even if you forget everything on the list, there is one thing you should never forget when it comes to women. It’s not a lie if you believe it.

Ed. Note: Lawrence experienced a rare case of comment envy yesterday, and has expressed interest in writing a dating/single guy’s column so he can get the traffic of Tickled Pink. Trust me, you don’t want this.

Day Two: Who are lobbyists?

A good lobbyist is tough to find and is a true professional. Like an engineer, a teacher or a pilot they know what they’re doing and they can navigate the complex world that is the Legislature. This doesn’t mean there aren’t bad apples – and we’re going to talk about this – it just means there’s another side to the standard-issue story.

The Old School

What is the old school? I’ll take some flack here, but it’s the truth. Old school lobbyists are the guys who came up through the ranks 20 or 30 years ago and work the legislature today the way it was when they were young – so, when today’s generation of lobbyists were barely in grade school. And what was going on then? Margarita machines were in the hallways of the capitol. The Ethics Commission wasn’t even a glimmer in Ann Richards’ eye. Communication of all varieties and at all levels, was not what it is today. The “district” may as well have been another state. The Internet was a research project at the Defense Department and TV did not have the ubiquitous presence it has today. ITPT was known as “the gnus.”

Here in Texas the boilerplate names are Mike Toomey, “ Neal T.,” Rusty Kelly and Bill Messer. I intend no disrespect of these men whatsoever. These guys, pros though they are, should not be considered “average” Texas lobbyists; Texas Monthly and the major dailies do a terrible job of relaying this to their respective audiences. They are older gentlemen and either work for or have started large organizations. Other names would include Nick Krajl and Dick Brown (though they are mostly solo operators) and one of the funniest people on the planet, Kent Hance, the only person on Earth to have beaten George W. Bush in an election contest. If you’ve met Hance once, you know this, too!

Now, I am not saying these guys don’t get things done. They clearly do. But my guess is that because they are indeed so high profile and so wired into the big money in Texas that they hit a “chits” threshold with the Membership that most – here again, “average” - lobbyists don’t hit. I also suspect their clients aren’t exactly aware of this. I mean, just how many times can one guy keep coming back to the same Membership for this and that legislative provision? Chits management to the max: it’s something I’d like to know about.

The New School

As I see it, conservative rhetoric over the years has done at least one good thing in the lobby world. (Though it has also brought a K Street mentality to Texas that is abysmal.) It has instilled a sense of performance and service in some (not all) younger lobbyists. The younger crowd I think has a much more keen understanding that you don’t get something for nothing and this attitude reflects back upon expectations of the client, which then changes the nature of “the ask” to the Legislature (for the better).

“Average” lobbyists, if not the largest in number, are certainly the most ubiquitous in town, don’t make a million dollars, are generally about 35 to 45, many are solo operators who take all the risks to run a business that the mythical mom and pop do, and they work very hard on legislation that the overwhelming majority of the public, and indeed other capitol insiders, could care less about. Not everyone works for AT&T. Not every lobbyist advocates for “evil” interests. Not everyone works on hot button issues like abortion or guns or liquor.

“Average” lobbyists are Machree Gibson, Eric Wright, Janis Carter, Eric Woomer, Anthony Haley and Randy Cain (whose successes will likely make them top-flight lobbyists shortly). I’ve worked with each of these folks in some capacity over the years so please don’t read this as a plug. These folks have logged a lot of time in state government and the capitol in particular and they rack up incredible hours for their clients. You don’t read about them in the paper. Any of them would make excellent public officials (and a few of them have had very substantial roles in government). They are upstanding and wouldn’t consider encountering an ethical obstacle. And there are many more like them.

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I will be getting my drink on at Six tonight. And by “six,” I mean the “bar,” because I will be drinking long before 6. Although the party starts at 7. If you’re there at 6, you’ll be sitting next to me and looking like an alcoholic. As for the storms, I take comfort in the fact that when I was young(er), teacher told me that thunder is only the sound of angels bowling in heaven. Personally, I think God’s just trying to ruin my party. But don’t worry - PinkDome has secured the entire INSIDE bar for us as well as the roof, in case any of you wearing foil hats are interested in conducting physics experiments. (In an interesting aside, my physics teacher at MHS was hit by lightning… TWICE.)

Be there or be talked about. At length.

Dewhurst: I saw you at the Pink Party.

Craddick: Yeah?

Dewhurst: You were crying.

Craddick: You weren’t supposed to see that, now you probably think I’m a big p*ssy.

Dewhurst: No, it was really sweet.

I heard this from a source much, much smarter than me who deals with serious issues and their political ramifications. (But did I tell you I saw the BABY PANDA at the National Zoo? Must post about it later. I LOVE PANDAS.) Apparently a procedural rule will be introduced in the House tomorrow that would dictate overall procedure and regulate amendments and costs related to school finance. If lawmakers vote for the bill, to be introduced most likely by Beverly Woolley, it’s a vote for restricting HB 1 to tax issues and not school funding. I believe this has been Perry’s plan (HERE IS YOUR PLAN) all along and now it’s Craddick’s.

In other words, no amendments for teacher pay raises or health insurance or new textbooks and other non-essentials. I mean, I guess the real question is, is our legislators learning?

(Note: I tried posting this on Tuesday, but along with Lawrence Collins’ post, it got lost in the ether. This version has been altered slightly to account for highly irrelevant new developments.)

I’m a huge fan of Google News and their approach, but sometimes, they make my eyes bleed. Here’s a headline that greeted me at 6:00 AM Tuesday morning:

Cruise: I will eat the placenta

Top o’ the morning to ya! Is that a blanket threat, or is it just directed to me? I didn’t click on the story, nor will I link to it (which might increase its relevance). I did click on the related stories link. Here’s a sampling of other takes on the story (now on the third page of of results):

“Tom Cruise’s placenta plans.” Placenta plans sounds almost whimsical. Almost.

“Tom to eat Katie’s placenta.” So he’s not on the loose, consuming just any afterbirth he comes across? Stand down, hospital security.

“Cruise to eat nutritious placenta.” Obviously written by a PR hack hired by the Midwifery Guild. Did you know midwifery is pronounced (mid whiff er ee)? Also, finding a practitioner of midwifery in Leavenworth KS is difficult, according to a friend of mine.

“Tom’s Placenta Snack.” Hooray, Placenta Roll-Ups!

“Cruise to eat the placenta?” An earlier headline, from a more hopeful time, before we confirmed that the worst was true.

“Tom Cruise To Eat His Baby’s Placenta And umbilical cord…” Okay, that’s quite enough. I stopped reading, lest I learn that Cruise-larvae are pupating inside Katie Holmes’ hollowed out body cavity. Had I continued reading, I’m sure I would have seen these headlines:

“Mission Impossible 3 a Hoax; ‘Movie’ Actually an Elaborate Intervention on Behalf of Society”

“Tastes Like Chicken”

“Cruise to Fire Publicist: I think I can find a worse one”

“Cruise, Jackson to Eat Each Other”

“Shroat to Eat Own Vomit”

I’m certainly no Tom Cruise fan, but I think he’s a malleable actor who’s capable of good work when matched with a skilled director. And I try very hard to ignore celebrity news. Help a brother out, Tom. This stuff isn’t helping your ticket sales either. You’ve moved into the category of people so out of touch with the rest of society, that they fundamentally have no idea how others perceive them. That’s rarified air occupied by the likes of Michael Jackson, Barry Bonds and the Bush family, so while your acting career may be over now, you can still be president.

Since Eileen has accused me of posting fluff during my editorial tenure, let’s file this one under unfair-gratuitous-potshot-at-the-liberal-Jew-run- main-stream-media, for continuing to hand over car keys to an obviously drunk reading public. I’m beginning to see the appeal of illiteracy. As it turned out, Cruise made the placenta eating comment in obvious jest during an interview. Dozens of media outlets reported it out of context. He still needs to overhaul his PR organization. Katie Holmes has since pooped out their kid, who is already on the road to a lifetime of drug addiction, relationship problems and tearful recriminations.

I think I’m starting to bleed from my ears too.

The third court of appeals has ruled that Tom DeLay was wrongfully indicted on conspiracy charges, which isn’t the first time that Tom has gotten himself off. (Rimshot.)

DeLay’s attorney Dick DeGuerin says the ruling proves that, once and for all, the third court of appeals is politically motivated. “I said from the first day I saw the indictment that Ronnie Earle was charging a crime that didn’t exist,” DeGuerin said. “And the 3rd Court of Appeals unanimously agreed with me.” Big surprise. Chief Justice Kenneth Law graduated from Baylor, where students learn that Republicans are saved and Democrats are lost. Indictments for the money laundering and conspiracy to commit money laundering (not only did you launder money but you also conspired to do JUST THAT) connected to the 2002 fundraising activities still stand.

So what of DeLay’s co-conspirators John Colyandro and Jim Ellis? Along with DeLay, the two have been accused of infusing $190,000 in illegal corporate money during the ‘02 elections. Did I mention that Colyandro takes my yoga class? I hear flexibility comes in handy in prison.

Oh just say it. I’m a natural. And that’s just ONE of the babies. Yes, I’m wearing a Baby Björn. Yes, the nephew is reaching out to the person taking the photo, imploring him/her to remove him from the arms of the crazy childless aunt. (Awww, is it because you don’t have babies?) Yes, I’m tilting my head in a casual way and giggling as if I do this all the time. Look at me! I’m easygoing and lighthearted and I’m carrying a baby! Give me a chardonnay and no one. gets. hurt.

Day 1 - Jack Abramoff

Another special session of the legislature has begun and, with this one, we find that Jack Abramoff is now a household name. His cousin in political crime, John Colyandro, still sways elections – only now in the sense that he sinks whomever his name sticks to (HD 48 in Austin). Thanks in part to these two men, Austin is a-flutter with talk of ethics legislation. Jack Abramoff has brought lobbyists to the forefront of public discourse, but mostly for the wrong reasons. Jack Abramoff is not your average lobbyist, especially in Texas. And there aren’t very many people like him.

A New Perspective on Lobbying

Over the next few days, I want to defend and bitch about lobbyists at the same time. In defense of lobbying, you will read some down-right hokey stuff that illuminates the positive side of advocacy. Like good lawyers, I want lobbyists (and other types of legislative consultants) to be seen as real professionals who operate as insiders and provide good strategy and tactics for their clients, not as sleaze balls with bad haircuts and questionable morals.

On the bitch side of the equation, you can expect me to bust on some long-held beliefs and truisms about lobbying at the capitol. I’ve talked about some of this on this blog before: lobbyists don’t trade on their skill set – which is substantial. They trade on the perception of their relationships – most of which, I respectfully suggest, don’t exist. I’ll get to this latter point and some other goodies tomorrow.

I’ll try to provide a survey of the key categories of lobbying and what it means to different people and different times. For the most part, the major dailies don’t cover this stuff and I want to lay it out there like I see it for people to comment on and, yes, complain about. It’s somewhat surprising that other lobbyists – particularly ones with more swat and tenure than me - haven’t stepped-up in a public way to talk about Abramoff and what he has done to the profession and the public’s perception of the law-making process. But, lobbyists are like trial lawyers: they don’t do a damn thing to convince anyone that much of what they do is legitimate, so most people persist in thinking they’re a questionable lot of individuals and, ergo, the politics against them continue to be successful. And it’s a shame.

What is the lobby world?

To the lobby world: If you are lobbying, you likely have some bona fide expertise that enables you to monitor the Legislature for a paying client. You probably know some key people in key positions who, in certain moments, would be willing to help you with a small part of accomplishing your client’s larger goal. You do not have the influence that your friends outside of the capitol think you have. You are very likely making (mostly modest) contributions to those you feel are in a position to influence matters for your client and you hope it has some impact down the road. Also, you might be in the process of convincing individuals in your client’s operation to make contributions to the officials of your choice. You probably also take a lot of members and staff to lunch or dinner or drinks on your client’s dime… and probably a few too many times than is actually necessary. You definitely spend a lot of time telling your friends and family that lobbying is not what everyone thinks it is…and that, anyway, you’re not one of the unethical ones.

To the public: The Legislature is serious business. In dollar terms alone, we’re talking about $140 billion in appropriations for public services. And any serious business requires serious professionals. School finance formulas. Medicaid. Tranportation funding. Regulatory bodies. Criminal justice. Public safety. Parliamentary fine points. Campaigns. Bad food. All these things come together in long nights. Most lobbyists are part of the equation of public policy making because they have acquired three things in combination with one another: 1) knowledge of particular policy measures, 2) knowledge of the legislative process, 3) a very targeted (not broad) set of relationships that were genuinely made.

To those concerned about money: Money is a problem in politics but we’ve somehow come to accept that a modest $250 (or anything in this range) contribution from anyone – lobbyist, son, family, constituent, friend – has a massive and disproportionate impact on policy making. It doesn’t. And we should stop talking about it like it does. Where lobbyists are concerned, money is EXPECTED by officials in the process but it does not GUARANTEE one-for-one influence on the process. Lobbyists actually take risk when contributing, particularly the solo operators. Take Stan Schlueter for example. Big time lobbyist. Old hand around the capitol. He’s got a $50,000 contract with Phillip Morris. He also recently gave Perry $5,000 (under what auspices, who knows) but it certainly didn’t get him very far on the tobacco tax. I believe the Governor calls Stan’s client’s product “poison.”

Systematic coordination of media, corporate money and campaigns that flood out challengers in non-competitive districts (that have been gerrymandered by Ds and Rs) is the problem. Money from individual lobbyists is a distant third in the ranking of what influences political considerations at the capitol. Few write of how tough it is to move something through the capitol if your name doesn’t begin with “Honorable.” Some simple examples come to mind. How long did it take AT&T (then SBC) to pass a telephone bill? How long will it take a Republican triumvirate to pass school finance? It takes strategy, know-how, patience, and getting your ass kicked way more times than most people could possibly imagine or would be willing to tolerate to pass a bill, or even a provision, through the Legislature.

Tomorrow we’ll talk about the people who make some of this stuff happen.