To my loyal readership,

I apologize for not having posted in several days. I miss the daily interaction and the warm feeling that dispensing advice gives me inside.

Unfortunately, I currently have another warm feeling inside, and that warm feeling is actually internal bleeding caused by a bullet being lodged in my upper abdomen.

While frolicking in the forest this weekend, I was accidentally shot by a drunken hunter. Civil suits are being prepared by my legal advisors while I get myself mentally ready for the delicate surgury required to remove the bullet.

I've been advised to cease working for 6-8 weeks while I recover. I'll return at that time, hopefully with a fresh new insight on life after this latest near-death experience. Be well, friends, and know that I'm thinking of you.

Sincerely,

Deer

Posted by Deer at 03:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Ah, politics. Not my primary area of expertise, but an important piece of ground to cover nonetheless. With things heating up in Iraq, I feel I should post this question I got from a surprisingly frank and open reader.

Hey Deer,

I'm having some publicity issues during this small legal hassle I'm going through. Can you clue me in on some quick and easy ways to improve my public image?

Saddam Hussein

When you get back in court April 4th, you might try what we deer call "the two antler shuffle". Basically, ask to become an American citizen right there on the spot. You'll be denied, but surely the media will do nothing but talk about this for weeks on end.

Another thing you might try is to stop shouting about wanting to kill people and about attacking Americans. Also, attempt to actually answer the questions posed to you instead of yelling at everyone.

Finally, you might change your name to something more hip and trendy. Get the kids on your side by going with something like "S-Huss" or "Hussizzle". If that doesn't work, go with a single-name moniker - just be "Saddam", and you may at the very least get the gays on your side, like with Madonna.

Posted by Deer at 02:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Getting shot is never fun, but there are many things you can do to alleviate the pain - both physical and mental.

Hey Deer,

I just got shot, and I'm lying on the floor bleeding to death. I've got my cell phone, but I don't want to call the cops. The only thing I can think to do is text you. What should I do?

Tony S

Let's assume it's one of the first two options for you. The question then becomes, what to do in the interim? The first thing you want to take care of is the physical pain. Try digging the nail of your forefinger into you thumb a bit. Not enough to draw blood - you probably have enough of that gushing from your gunshot wound. This "nail-dig" technique is a classic distraction, and will also work if you decide to get a tattoo sometime in the future.

Next, while you're lying on the floor dying, you might take a moment to reflect on why you got shot, and how you can avoid getting shot in the future.

Did the person who shot you say anything before they did so? Perhaps some rambling gibberish? Try to figure this out, and determine whether you can learn anything from it.

Another thing you might do to pass the time are crossword puzzles, if you can find any. They're great for keeping the brain active, and they're fun!

Most of all, try to remain calm. Remember - the absolute worst that can happen is you die. Accept that that's probably your fate, and anything better than that is easy!

Posted by Deer at 11:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

The workplace presents an interesting dynamic, and your first day there is essential. A fear of screwing that up is natural.

Hey Deer,

I'm starting a new job on Monday. I want to make a good impression on my new colleagues. Any advice on how to make a great first impression?

-PS

Regardless, maybe you're late for your first day like you were late sending this in, in which case I can still help.

First impressions are everything. It's an old cliche, but undeniably true. You get one chance - keep that at the forefront of your mind as you eat breakfast, as you shower, as you brush your teeth, and as you drive into your new job. Keep pounding it into your head: "If I make a bad impression, everyone will hate me and my life will be miserable."

Once you've parked at your new job, that's when you need to take a deep breath and make sure your palms aren't sweaty. It's possible you could encounter your first new colleague the moment you leave your car. At this moment, take one last look at yourself in the rearview mirror and say it out loud: "Don't mess it up. If you mess it up, you might as well jump off a bridge."

Now that you're relaxed, go ahead and get out of the car, take a look around, and go inside. When you walk in the door to the office, simply yell "Hey, friends!!! Guess who came to work today?!?!? [insert your name here]!!!!!"

At lunch time, go out and buy each woman a dozen white roses, and get all of the men footballs. (Autograph these so they remember your name.) Another good tip is to call in sick tomorrow. Leave them wanting more.

Posted by Deer at 10:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

This one honestly just makes me angry. There's one thing I'm not, and that's stupid.

Hey Deer,

Everyone thinks I'm Danny Glover, but I'm not! I'm not I'm not I'm not!

Help!

DANIEL Glover

Your stance about taking free vacations to play with Al Jazeera seals the deal for me.

Everyone knows that Danny Glover hates free vacations, just like you. It's a ridiculous stance - take the free vacation and go play reporter in a dangerous area for your blog. Who wouldn't want to do that? Not only do you get to travel, but someone else pays for and you put yourself in danger - it's like a dream.

It's time for you to come clean, "Daniel". Admit you're 1/2 of the Lethal Weapon franchise and get on with your life.

(I just sent you an email about Lethal Weapon 5 btw. Seriously, when is it coming out? I may be a deer, but I love a good action-comedy just like anyone else.)

Posted by Deer at 07:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Many people think the choices of adulthood are more difficult than those made in our youth. I tend to agree, yet I can't turn my deer-back on a child in need.

Hey Deer,

I've got 20 bucks left from my allowance and want to get a DVD. Should I get Harry Potter or Jarhead? I'm an 11-year old girl btw.

xoxo

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is setting all kinds of records in terms of DVD sales, so chances are most of your friends have it or will be getting it soon. Miss out and risk having everyone hate you.

Jarhead, on the other hand, is rated R and has extra features like a sweaty Jake Gyllenhaal working out shirtless in the sun. As an 11-year old girl, this may interest you. Even if it doesn't, you should start learning about boys, because the little bastards are going to be trying to get in your pants any day now. Do you have breasts yet?

My advice is to buy Harry Potter and use your parents' credit card to buy Jarhead online.

As to the quality of the films, I've seen both and can tell you without hesitation they are both exactly as good as each other.

(Another question I've gotten a lot of this week is who would win in a fight - Potter or Jake? The answer is obvious - Harry Potter knows magic.

Little known fact - Jake Gyllenhaal is impervious to magic. That said, in next year's Harry Potter 7, Harry learns an anti-impervious-to-magic spell. Therefore, a Harry Potter from parts 1-6 loses to Jake, while Harry Potter 7.0 can lay the smack down on Jake Gyllenhaal.)

Posted by Deer at 09:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

The internet has become invaluable in our society. Work, school, entertainment - it's woven its way into every aspect of our lives.

But how safe is it?

Hey Deer,

I noticed that DJ Amber has her favorite websites listed at Technorati. That's a pretty neat idea, but i'm [sic] wondering if I should do something like that. I don't know how much I want the world to know about me.

Jake Gyllenhaal Smith

Looking over the list you included, I don't see too much here that's a problem, except that all 47 of them are George Clooney blogs, except for these two you included called "I love George Clooney" and "I hate that bitch Krista Allen". These actually look like they're written by you - you may not want to flaunt your own work in this way. It can make you appear arrogant.

I noticed one other strange pick on there, and that's the "Pretending to be straight when you're gay" blog you've put as your number one. It's not the content that bothers me, but more that the site is full of grammar errors. You don't want to make people think you lack proper education.

I'll be posting my own list up at Technorati soon. I love the feature, and think it's important that everyone know I love to read about socks.

Posted by Deer at 12:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

While I love my readership to death, there are other priorities in my life. I preach honesty, and the honest truth is there were more important things going on today than being here.

Hey Deer,

Why the hell haven't you posted any advice today?

Pissed at Deer

I also got an invitation up to Microsoft headquarters. A personal invitation from Bill Gates, no less. He showed me the wonders behind the curtains of Origami, and then he let me bite his face.

I bit it until he screamed, and then we played X-Box 360. It was quite the day. Bill is a big fan of Monsoon 7 or the Bill Raffer 5 or Ben Folderhead or whatever that band is.

I have to say I was shocked at what came next: Bill served deer...and I ate it. That's right, I'm now a cannibal.

My advice for today then? No matter what he offers, don't go to Bill Gates' house and allow him to manipulate you into eating a member of your own species.

Posted by Deer at 09:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

He conquered Brokeback Mountain, and is undecided about his next project. It's refreshing to see an actor who's confident enough to come out of the closet and say he's not sure what to do.

Hey Deer,

What's my next move, mate?

Heath Ledger

While I also know you're focused on your family at the moment, it's vitally important you take advantage of this window of opportunity, and that doesn't mean you should go on Will & Grace with Jake Gyllenhaal.

Producers and directors will want to get you back in front of the camera right away, while the public has you on the forefront of their mind. The obvious project would be a big summer movie that will net a large paycheck, but I tend to think you've learned something from playing a cowboy who partakes in forbidden love of some kind.

Therefore, I suggest you make another Brokeback type venture into a theme of love that must not speak its name. Namely, a venture into my sister, who is also obviously a deer. Her name is Mary, and she's a lovely young doe - immensely talented. She's starred in six short films, three of which have played at major festivals.

The film will be a sex tape, which I will sell over the internet. I shall call it 'Heath Ledger and A Deer Make Love" and we can split the profits 70-30 in favor of me.

While initially you may be thinking this sounds a bit outrageous, I can tell you that "Matt Dillon and A Deer Make Love" hits the market early next month, and I already have preorders for 150,000 copies. Not only will this be a big boost to your wallet, but to think that having sex with an animal on the internet could do anything but make you more marketable is crazy.

I look forward to your response.

Posted by Deer at 01:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Well, yesterday's Jessica Alba query has flooded the inbox with literally hundreds of questions that are some variation of the same.

Since the Academy Awards are Sunday, I'll get started with Best Actress Nominee for Walk the Line, Reese Witherspoon.

Hey Deer,

The Alba thing made me THINK. Hypothetical - Reese Witherspoon; same question. Sex once or making out for 30 days?

RP (name withheld by request)

Regardless, a well worded and intentioned question deserves an equal answer. Fortunately, this is much easier than yesterday.

With Reese Witherspoon, you obviously have sex with her. You'll probably get about four hours of activity in, although you'll likely want to leave after one. Let's not forget, Reese has had seven babies and is also unbearably pretentious. (Or at least she looks that way. Everything I've heard about her says she's delightful to be around.)

Another little known fact about Reese Witherspoon are her hooves. yes, Reese has hooves as opposed to feet. Now, while this might be tolerable for one sexual encounter, 30 straight days of giving hoof massages will leave you mentally altered in ways you can't imagine. Believe me on that - I am a deer, after all.

There's your answer, Ryan. Best of luck trying to have sex with your wife.

Posted by Deer at 12:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

This is one of the toughest questions I've ever received and I've probably drafted 14 different responses, none of which I'm sure is correct.

Hey Deer,

Through a friend of a friend, I ended up meeting Jessica Alba. I'm a pretty good looking and funny guy and we really hit it off, so she made me an offer:

I can either have sex with her once, or I can make out with her every day for 1 month.

What the hell do I do???? ("Making out" was defined as getting to third base btw.)

Alba'd

PS - She said this is purely physical and that I shouldn't think I can make her fall in love with me by taking the 30-day option. She said she'd dedicated to her regular-guy boyfriend.

Let's take scenario #1 first - the chance the sex will last longer than 23 seconds is .001%. That said, you've still had sex with Jessica Alba, and those 15-23 seconds will go down as the greatest 15-23 seconds you could possibly have in all of your years. You basically can sit back and say to yourself, "Wow...I did one great thing in my life. One great thing. And that's enough for any man."

With the second choice, you're giving yourself daily, intimate physical contact with Jessica Alba for an entire month. The sessions will obviously last longer, as well. However, the frustration you feel with not being able to have intercourse will obviously be unbearable. (Plus, while she won't fall in love with you, you're going to be in love with her halfway into Day 2's session.)

My real advice is a pretty unrealistic choice, and that's to kill yourself. With option one, you're giving yourself a high you'll never achieve again ever. Option two, and it's what you can't have but are teased with on a daily basis that's going to be your undoing.

While all this Alba-ness is certainly inviting, you're going to destroy your mind and go completely insane either way. In fact, the simple fact that she made this offer has probably already driven you mad. (Don't think she doesn't know this, too.)

Posted by Deer at 01:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Being a part of a blog network has its plusses and minuses.

While it's nice to have colleagues to confer with, those relationships are not always completely productive.

Hey Deer,

I was trying to figure out who would win between the 1992 Olympic Dream Team and Hamburgers, and they came out tied. Can you help, because I don't think this is corrrect.

The Cavalier

There's no logic behind comparing these two things. Just what are they trying to "win" at exactly? Basketball? I tried to show him this, but this was the response I got.

Hey Deer,

I hope somebody fucking shoots and eats you. I'll bet you don't have the deerballs to put that on your site, huh? Why don't you go bait for more Tammy Nyp or Nyp Tammy or whatever traffic ass-hole. Later,

The Cavalier

UPDATE: One more email I just received before I even put this post up!

Hey Deer,

You suck.

The Cavalier

Posted by Deer at 12:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Celebrities are notorious for having extreme demands, and it seems young singer John Mayer is no exception.

Hey Deer,

Everyone is making fun of me for my request for Krazy Glue in my dressing room. What's the deal?

JM

In fact, this morning I was listening to that one song you sing called "Uplifting Laid-Back Feel-Good Song #3" and just had to sit back and say "wow, I feel great." Then I shed a few happy tears - the kind you get when you just laugh about how nice life is.

Later on, I'll probably listen "Uplifting Laid-Back Feel-Good Song #7", to be followed by "Uplifting Laid-Back Feel-Good Song #14". This is all very easy, as I programmed my iPod with a "John Mayer Uplifting Laid-Back Feel-Good Songs Mix" just this weekend.

As for your problem, what everyone seems to be missing is that your need for two tubes of Krazy Glue is due to the four toothbrushes you ask for. Without the glue, how can you attach all the brushes to each other?

That must be the reason, yes? What other possible need could you have for four new toothbrushes on each and every stop of your tour, unless you're sticking them all together to use them at once?

Posted by Deer at 10:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I try to always stay on top of the latest in technology, and it looks like the coming weeks will be big ones for a certain all-powerful corporation.

Hey Deer,

I'm about to launch a revolutionary new device called Origami. Everyone has found out about it early. Now what do I do?

Bill G

1) You could delay the launch and tell everyone it was a big joke. To do this, you'll need to take up the fine art of paper-folding, and say that all of this talk was simply you trying to spread your love of cranes made from college ruled notebook paper to the employees.

You'll also need to destroy all existing Origamis that have leaked to the market. This would include the case that I hijacked last weekend by dashing in front of that semi outside Microsoft headquarters. You may have the ones that are left for +/- $8 million. The others are gone already, and each and every one was delicious.

Actually, that's your only real option. You can find an excellent selection of Mead brand paper products at Staples.

One other tip - you may explain more explicity what exactly Origami is if you decide to go through with the launch, because the ad campaign that has leaked out is awful confusing. I'm a college educated deer, and I'm not even sure exactly what it is.

Posted by Deer at 11:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

There are many essential needs for both human and animal survival. One of these is the Blackberry, and today is an important day for anybody that uses them.

Hey Deer,

If they go ahead and shut down Blackberry, I'm going to have to look for an alternative. Can you point me in the right direction?

Crisis-Boy

PS Can I bang my Blackberry? I'm in love with it.

My schedule has been crazy since adding the blog to my daily radio show, and I don't know how I'll get by without the delicious and nutritious energy that Blackberries give me.

I've actually been out with my new girlfriend picking away and stockpiling as many as I can before the ruling comes down, which will hopefully be very soon.

In the case that the Blackberry becomes unavailable, there's really no other actual berry that will do an equal job of both fueling your body and tantalizing your taste buds.

That being the case, now is a great time to open your eyes to new things. Personally, I'm going to go with bananas. While they've never been a favorite, they're widely available and unlikely to be shut down by the government anytime soon.

Also, I don't think I need to say this, but please don't engage your favorite fruits and berries in sexual intercourse.

UPDATE: The Blackberry lives on! No injunction! (It's okay to have sex with it just this once. Be discreet about it however, or you'll surely be emailing questions about another issue altogether.)

Posted by Deer at 11:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)