Weekly World News

April 26, 2006

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•	GREAT QUICKSAND LAKE
•	JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES TO USE BULLHORNS ON PEOPLE THAT DON'T ANSWER THEIR DOORS
•	GOVERNMENT HAS CONTEST TO FIND NEW NAME FOR U.S.A.
•	Exclusive Sneak Peek At New Tv Reality Show: REDNECK EYE FOR THE YANKEE GUY!

GOVERNMENT HAS CONTEST TO FIND NEW NAME FOR U.S.A.

Freedomland? Loveitorleaveitville? See winning name!

BUSH THRILLED TO BE READING AT 6TH GRADE LEVEL AND IT'S ABOUT TIME!
"The President is absolutely thrilled at his latest achievement," said Edward Thurut. "And he wants the American people to know just how far he's progressed the past year.

TOP 5 SECRETS U.S. GOVERNMENT DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW!
here are the top five secrets our own U.S. government does not want the American public to know.

PARALLEL UNIVERSE DISCOVERED
. . . Where Bill Clinton Is A Celibate Priest!
REV. CLINTON considers his body a chaste and holy temple -- in this universe.

AIR FORCE FIGHTS OFF UFOS!
'If only we had ammo instead of blanks!'

CONGRESSIONAL BILL WOULD MAKE WEEKLY WORLD NEWS REQUIRED READING FOR EVERY AMERICAN!
eekly World News is already one of the most popular publications in the country, but if a new bill passes Congress, this newspaper will not only become more popular, it will become legally required reading for every American!

IT'S COMING: THE GREATEST DEPRESSION EVER!
No electricity, no food, no money . . . People will be reduced to prehistoric predators . . . survival of the fittest!

PRES. BUSH CONVERTING �WEST WING� TO �ARREST WING�
PRESIDENT BUSH can�t function without these people. This way, even if they�re in prison, Bush will be able to pick their brains.

LITTLE MERCURY
A NEW SAN FRANCISCO TREAT! San Fran's newest ethnic neighborhood will feature trendy shops selling jet-propelled boots and heat-reflecting clothing as well as restaurants using Mercurial cooking techniques.

NEW TRAFFIC SAFETY PLAN: BUMPER-TO-BUMPER -- ALL THE TIME!
LOS ANGELES, Calif. -- Citing the fact that nearly no serious accidents occur in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

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