The importance of being Broder
Sat May 27, 2006 at 08:48:31 PM PDT
Mr. Russert, Mr. Healy, and Mr. Klein were standing near the door, eating their cocktail frankfurters, which were most delicious.
"Excellent article on those Clinton people," said Mr. Russert.
"They are not our kind of people," said Mr. Healy.
"Certainly not," said Mr. Russert.
"I believe that man Clinton has sex," said Mr. Healy, "I believe he ejaculate."
"Oh," said Mr. Klein.
"And you put it on the front page of the New York Times," said Mr. Russert.
"I did just that," said Mr. Healy.
"Oh, oh," said Mr. Klein.
"You will never find a Republican ejaculating," said Mr. Russert.
"Not on the front pages of the New York Times," said Mr. Healy.
"I am all atwitter," said Mr. Klein.
"Should we even be talking about this," asked Mr. Russert.
"It is making me most flushed," said Mr. Klein.
"Let us ask Dean Broder," said Mr. Healy.
The three men walked over to the great Dean Broder who smelled his cocktail frankfurters with great delicacy but never actually ate one. Some said it was because he himself looked like a frankfurter and he would be eating himself, which in such circles as he found himself in, was frowned upon - unless of course done by Dean Broder.
"Mr. Healy has put Mr. Clinton's ejaculations on the front page," said Mr. Russert.
"It has made me all atwitter," said Mr. Klein.
"Do not talk to me about these things," said Dean Broder, "unless of course you must."
"It is not something I chose to do," said Mr. Healy. "I was forced to do this."
"Newsmen are never forced to talk about such things," said Dean Broder, "unless of course such things are mentioned in reputable newspapers."
"I saw it in the Globe," said Mr. Healy.
"I read it in the Times," said Mr. Russert.
"There you are, it was in the Times," said Dean Broder. "We must talk about it. But please, not too loudly."
"Mr. Clinton ejaculates, and he spends only fourteen days with his wife," said Mr. Healy.
"I am hot and bothered," said Mr. Klein.
"We should not talk about this," said Dean Broder, "but of course we are forced to by the very fact that Mr. Clinton ejaculates."
"And I read it in the Times," said Mr. Russert.
"A most important source," said Dean Broder.
"Oh I am hot and bothered," said Mr. Klein.
"Ah, here is Mr. Easterbrook and Mr. Weisberg," said Mr. Russert. "Have you heard that Mr. Clinton ejaculates and he spends only fourteen days a month with his wife."
"We would not be talking about such things," said Dean Broder, "except of course that it appeared in the Times."
"I have no doubt," said Mr. Weisberg, "of these indiscretions."
"You know something more?" asked Mr. Healy.
"I know what Mrs. Clinton listens to on her ipod," said Mr. Weisberg.
"I can tell a brilliant deduction is coming," said Mr. Russert.
"She listens to the Beatles," said Mr. Weisberg.
"Oh my," said Mr. Russert.
"Oh my," said Mr. Healy.
"And she listens to the Rolling Stones as well," said Mr. Weisberg.
"Oh my," said Mr. Russert.
"Oh my," said Mr. Healy.
"She is a cold and calculating bitch," said Mr. Weisberg.
"A brilliant analysis," said Dean Broder.
"Cold, calculating bitches get me so hot and bothered," said Mr. Klein.
"Please control yourself," said Dean Broder.
"Did you read my analysis of Mr. Gore's movie?" asked Mr. Easterbrook.
"Did you say he was a phony?" asked Dean Broder.
"Of course," said Mr. Easterbrook.
"Brillaint," said Dean Broder.
"Brilliant," said Mr. Russert.
"Brilliant," said Mr. Healy.
"I would say brilliant but I am all hot and bothered," said Mr. Klein, "and I fear that soon I will be all sticky wet."
"This is why I pay Mr. Easterbrook so much money," said Mr. Weisberg. "His next article is about how Mr. Gore eats snails."
"Brilliant," said Dean Broder.
"Brilliant," said Mr. Russert.
"It's not good to eat snails?" asked Mr. Klein.
"Your mind is in the gutter Mr. Klein," said Dean Broder. "If Mr. Easterbrook says as much it must be so."
"Quite right," said Mr. Weisberg.
"Of course you must know," said Mr. Easterbrook, "that snails combat global warming. It is scientific fact. And Mr. Gore eats them, meaning he is a moral flop and a complete phony."
"Exactly right," said Mr. Russert. "I will have him on my show and confront him on this snail thing. Exactly what shall I say."
"Tell him he doesn't know who he is if he eats snails," said Dean Broder, "Obviously."
"Snails are close to the ground," Mr. Easterbrook explained. "The ozone layer is up in the sky. Ipso facto, snails were put on earth by God in order to combat global warming."
"Such brilliance," said Mr. Weisberg. "I am so glad he works for my magazine."
"I have a question," said Mr. Klein.
"You will find petroleum jelly in the bathroom," said Mr. Russert.
"No," said Mr. Klein. "but thank you. I was wondering, does Mr. Gore ejaculate."
"I think we will find out in my next story in the New York Times," said Mr. Healy.
Tags: Broder, Russert, Healy, cocktail frankfurters (all tags)
