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January 12, 2005

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BENJY TO BE PUT IN PERMANENT SCHTICK COMA?
Writer and schtick-meister, Benjy Bronk, was late to work - again. The last time he was late Howard toward told him he would be fired if he was ever late again (12/02/04 show). Howard said he was dead serious when he told Benjy that and now he's seriously thinking of firing him. If he didn't there would be no point in making the threat in the first place. Howard said he only warned Benjy about 57 million times that this would happen if he was late again. He likes Benjy, he's a good kid, but Howard can't have this. Gary said what's really funny is that out of everyone; Benjy lives the closest to the station, he's only a five minute walk away. Gary said he woke up early to brush the snow off his car to be here on time and that everyone else makes it here on time. Howard said he didn't really know what to do and wanted Tom Chiusano to step in. Tom said that if Howard wanted to he could fire him, or if he wants to try to keep Benjy around the next step would be to suspend him without pay for a week. Howard said he'll probably suspend Benjy and then make his decision of what to do with him during that time. Howard said that he and Tom had been through this before with other employees and got burned and he's sick of doing it. Tom said it's always good to know that you did everything you could and beyond before firing someone. Artie chimed in to try to "defend" Benjy by saying he's really good at his job. Howard says he knows that and he likes Benjy but it's not about that. It's about showing up to do your job and not taking advantage of other people. Howard said if Benjy is late all the time and there is no consequence for him then everyone would have an excuse to be late. Tom agreed and said that for Howard to keep his credibility he'll have to do something with Benjy. Howard then said that Benjy officially has ruined his birthday with this.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY HOWARD!
That's right, today is Howard's 51st birthday and Howard said he was pretty bummed out by that. He said he's realizing just how much of an adult he is now and is wondering if he should start acting more like one. Robin told him not to and that he should just continue to be himself. Howard said that he hates making a big deal out of birthdays but girls like to. He said that Beth Ostrosky was all excited this morning and said happy birthday but before that Howard hadn't even thought about today being his birthday. Tom gave Howard his first on-air gift of the morning - a gift certificate to the restaurant Beacon that Tom loves. Howard said he appreciated it. Robin kept trying to make Howard say his age and at first he said 43, then mumbled that he was 51. Robin then hounded him to say his real age and the age he just pretended to be. Howard joked that he was starting not to like Robin and wanted to find a way to suspend her too. Robin just laughed at that. Howard was bummed out because he knows how unattractive a 51 year old woman can be and wonders if he's that unattractive to women now. Everyone said that guys are different though and they can still be old and attractive. Howard tried to cheer himself up by saying that 51 is the new 31 anyway.
NEWS IGNORES HOWARD'S STELLAR RATINGS
Howard was #1 in New York City AGAIN after broadcasting in the city for over 20 years, yet the papers are not making a big deal about it. The NY Daily News briefly mentioned it and the NY Post didn't even report on it. What they did report on however is the ongoing Crazy Cabbie saga. According to the newspapers, Cabbie hasn't returned prosecutors' phone calls and he missed a court date. There is now a warrant out for his arrest that will go into affect tomorrow at 5PM if he doesn't check in with the court. Howard didn't like the fact that his name is always attached to Cabbie's in these stories. In one of the reports they say that Cabbie is from "Howard Stern Show fame". Howard said that Cabbie has his own show and should have his own fame from that. The article also blames Cabbie's recent girlfriend troubles for his poor mental state. Howard said you can always trace mental problems back to some girl.
RICHARD GIVES TINY HEAD
Richard Christy gave Howard a Tiny Tim Bobble Head Doll for his birthday. Howard wondered if Richard gave it to him because he thinks Howard looks like him. If so, he's insulted. Richard insisted that this wasn't the case. He said he got it for him because he knows Howard was friendly with Tiny Tim and he was a great guest on the show. He also figures it will be a collector's item. He paid $15 for it and Howard noted that if they're lucky it will be worth $12 next year. Howard said that he might keep it in the studio and Gary told him they have a shelf full of stuff Howard couldn't bring himself to throw away. Howard was trying to figure out whether or not to take Tiny Tim out of the box in the small chance it might actually become a valuable collector's item. Artie suggested that Howard store it next to the Neil Young Lithograph he got Howard for his birthday last year.
[Follow up note: There seem to be many Tiny Tim Bobble Head Dolls available on the internet for between $10 and $20]
BATTLE OF THE PERVERTS
In their on going battle for the King Perv, Sal the Stockbroker and Richard Christy discussed their various masturbation rituals on the air today. As he had mentioned before, Christy doesn't pleasure himself during the week and instead sets aside his Friday's nights for it. He makes a date
with himself and usually eats a good meal, has a couple of glasses of wine, and then goes to town on his computer. He usually has many things going on his computer screen at once, like videos and various pictures to look at. On special days he'll also put a video on his TV screen so he can have wall to wall porn. Richard then pleasures himself multiple times, once doing it seven times in one night. Not to be out-perved, Sal the Stockbroker revealed how he used to go on internet chat rooms with his web cam and try to get into Lesbian Chat Rooms. Of course, they banned him because he was a guy, so Sal would put on a wig and lipstick and go on pretending to be a girl. Once he did it while his wife was asleep in the same room, she woke up in the middle of it and saw him in the wig. Scrambling, Sal claimed that he was just trying to surprise her with a new costume. To secure his position as King Perv, Richard told everyone about a friend he had growing up that would pleasure his dog in front of him all the time. The same guy also pleasured himself in the bathroom while Richard was taking a bath and would host slumber parties with a lot of guys and then pleasure himself in front of them. Howard seemed put off by both of them and just went to break after all of that.
THE RETURN OF HOT WOMEN
After a long dry spell, devoid of hot women, Penthouse Pet of the Year Martina Warren and the runner up for Pet of the Year Natalia Cruze came on the show today to
promote their new DVD "Penthouse - 2005 Pet of the Year Playoff". Howard talked mostly to Natalia first and she had a wild story. Originally from Canada she said she was raped more than once between the ages of 15 and 17. Because all three of the guys who raped her were
white, Natalia now only dates black guys. She says she just gets disgusted when a white guy starts touching her in a sexual way and she can't help it. Artie said that just because a few Canadian white guys treated her so badly she shouldn't rule out being with an American white guy. She said that she might be willing to have sex with a white guy if the guy was really cute, like Matthew McConaughey, and she might make an exception for Howard. Howard took that as meaning he wasn't cute - she just giggled.
NATALIA - THE GREATEST GIRLFRIEND IN THE WORLD
Of course Natalia is also into chicks (of any race). She told Howard about her first experience with a girl. She was dating a black guy while in high school and he told her that she was always talking about being with a girl so she should shut up and just do it. Howard asked her to slow down so he could take notes on this. Natalia took her boyfriend up on it and invited one of her friends from school over. Her boyfriend went out of alcohol and porn and then they sat around drinking and watching the porn. Natalia started tickling her friend, which led to a tickle fight and then kissing. They took off each other's clothes and then went to town. Her boyfriend sat in a chair and watched the action for about an hour, before joining them. Howard said the guy made the right move by waiting for awhile to
join in and Natalia agreed. Afterwards her boyfriend made them cookies and kool aid. The three of them got together a few more times after that but then the other girl started hitting on Natalia's boyfriend so they put an end to it. Most recently, Natalia had sex with Martina Warren and 2 other girls in the new Penthouse Video they were promoting. Howard said he couldn't wait to see it.
MARTINA GETS UP TO BAT
Howard told Martina Warren she was going to have a hard time following up Natalia's great stories, but Martina held her own as she has very weird parents. Although they are married and still live together her father has always cheated on her mom to the point where he openly has girlfriends now. Her parents don't sleep with each other anymore though. Martina said that once,
when she was 9, she and her mother went looking for her father at a motel and walked in on him having sex with one of his girlfriends. Howard couldn't believe that her mom puts up with this and Martina said she couldn't either. But her mom likes the money her dad brings in so she sticks around. Howard said he wanted to interview her dad because he seems like he has a great story to tell. Martina also revealed that she has breast
implants (Natalia's boobs are natural) and she paid for them herself when she was 17. Unfortunately for us, Martina does not bring other girls home for her boyfriends, but she will do photo shoots with other girls in her house.
JAMES WOODS KICKS OF THE BIRTHDAY HOUR WITH NON-STOP TALK
Actor James Woods surprised Howard by calling in to wish him a happy birthday. Howard is a big fan of James' and said that he loves that no matter how old James gets he still dates really young chicks. Howard said that James is responsible for one of the best quotes of all time. Someone once asked James why he keeps dating such young women and James replied that nobody buys a dog, everyone buys puppies. James said that was an off the cuff remark that a lot of people took offense too, but it's true! James also talked about how he saw and tried to turn in several of the 9/11 suicide bombers about six weeks before 9/11 but the FAA refused to investigate them. James was on a cross country flight and saw a few Arab dudes acting suspicious. He noticed that they didn't have any luggage and seemed more interested in casing the plane than anything else. He told that to a flight attendant who agreed and then told the same thing to the co-pilot. The co-pilot filed a report with the FAA but the FAA refused to investigate it because they felt it was racial profiling. Two of the guys James saw that day did indeed take part in the 9/11 attacks and James then worked with the FBI to identify them. James also told Howard about how he almost died from a heart attack recently. The doctors discovered that his arteries were 90% blocked and he had to have surgery. He blamed smoking for the problem and has now quit smoking. Howard kept trying to ask James other questions and tell him about how Danny Sugarman just died of lung cancer but James kept talking a mile a minute. Howard kept yelling "James! James!" but James kept talking like he couldn't even hear him. Artie said he ran into James once back in 1996. James was at a party with Nicolette Sheridan and Artie said her ass looked so hot in the blue pants she was wearing they actually followed her around the party staring at it. Artie and his buddy thought Woods was the absolute man for being with her. James agreed and said that Sheridan's ass belongs in the Smithsonian. He also said that Howard is way off base when he says Sheridan hit the wall and said she's just as hot now as she ever was.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT: THE REAL GEORGE TAKEI CALLS IN
After James' call, Howard took a surprise call from none other than Mr. Sulu himself, George Takei! Takei wished Howard a happy birthday and said that he had been waiting for a special occasion like this to call in. Howard asked Takei what he was up to so George told about how he is working on a task force set up by Congress to help implement a new TV rating system. Howard had no idea why Takei would be doing something like that and asked him if he was a scientist or something? Takei said he wasn't and never fully explained why he was chosen for this panel or exactly what he does on it. Artie joked that after this commission he's going to go run a Star Trek hayride. Takei congratulated Howard multiple times on his move to SIRIUS and said he's really happy that Howard is fighting back against the FCC. Takei said that is what this country is all about. Howard asked George if he felt bad for the stars of William Shatner's new show, "Boston Legal," for having to work with Shatner. George started to say that he hoped Shatner had learned from his past mistakes but Howard cut him off to say that, reportedly, people on the set are already complaining about Shatner's antics. Takei guessed that Bill is just being Bill then and nothing has changed. Takei said he doesn't hate Shatner, and he admires him as an actor, but he just didn't like working with him. Before Takei got off the phone he corrected the way Howard and everyone else pronounced his name. He said his name is pronounced "Tah-Kay" and not "Tah-Kye". He said the latter pronunciation meant expensive in Japanese. He also complained that journalists are not pronouncing the "T" in "Tsunami" and that also bothers him. Howard had to get off the phone though because there was another surprise caller on the phone.
REBECCA GOES FROM FULL HOUSE TO MY SLIDERS
Howard picked up the next line and heard a woman singing Happy Birthday to him. Howard couldn't place who it was right away, despite the clue she gave him by saying she is his west-coast girlfriend. It turned out to be Rebecca Romijn Stamos and after she wished him a happy birthday Howard started grilling her about why she was with actor Jerry O'Connell. Rebecca said she is dating him but denied the reports that she moved in with him. She also denied the reports that Jerry had been calling his ex-girlfriend trying to get her back. Howard wanted to know how she could leave a John Stamos for a Jerry O'Connell but Rebecca said that was not the case. She said she dated a few people before Jerry and now is with him in a serious relationship. She said that Jerry is great and Howard should stop down playing him. Howard kept telling her that she shouldn't get bogged down in a serious relationship and that she should be playing the field more. Rebecca said she didn't' want to play the field and was really happy in her relationship. Howard said that he thinks dating Rebecca is a great career move for Jerry but not so much for Rebecca. Rebecca sounded like she was getting upset by Howard's line of questioning and offered to put Jerry on the phone. Howard asked Jerry if Rebecca was the best sex he ever had but Jerry wouldn't answer. Howard then told him that he better keep Rebecca entertained because she gets bored easily. He told Jerry that if he plays his cards right he could probably get Rebecca to do chicks in front of him. Howard then started to go down a list of chicks Jerry supposedly has been with which included Sarah Michelle Gellar. Howard asked Jerry if Rebecca was a 10 in bed and Jerry joked that they're waiting for marriage to have sex. Howard asked if Jerry would marry Rebecca and he kind of made it sound like he would?if she wanted to.
A GOOD GIRLFRIEND BUT A BAD WIFE
Jerry O'Connell put Rebecca Romijn Stamos back on the phone and Howard told her how Jerry said he'd marry her. Rebecca said that she and Jerry weren't anywhere close to marriage. Howard said that was good because Rebecca wasn't a good wife. He said what he meant was that she was a free spirit and very into herself and doesn't give her man the type of attention he needs. Robin wondered why, just because you're married, you have to give your husband tons of attention. Howard said that a guy needs a girl to be subservient to him now and then, especially in marriage. Both Robin and Rebecca seemed to take offense to that. He asked Rebecca who was better in bed - Jerry or John Stamos? Rebecca wouldn't answer. Howard then said he bet Rebecca had sex with Jerry on their first date but Rebecca denied that. Howard said that he knows he wouldn't last two minutes in bed with Rebecca and he certainly knows he couldn't last in a relationship with her. He said that her life is a whirlwind and she is just too much to handle. She'd be great for a night but there is no way he could keep up with her any longer than that. Howard tried to get Rebecca to make out with Beth for his birthday but Rebecca said she wasn't into girls. She said she might consider it if she was in NY, but she's not so she can't.
MOM REFUSES TO DISCUSS HOWARD'S BEGINNING
Howard parents called in to wish him a happy birthday. Howard's dad, Ben Stern, said that on the day Howard was born it was snowing like crazy outside. Ben recalled that, when Howard was born, he waited in the hospital's waiting room for 27 hours for news of Howard's birth. Howard's mom thought he had left and gone to work but Ben said that everyone forgot he was there. Eventually a doctor told him he had a son and he was so excited he opened up a window and announced the news to the world. Howard joked that that was the last time his dad was proud of him. Mr. Stern said he rushed right up to the delivery room to make sure that Howard's mom didn't name him Harvey like she wanted too. Howard thanked his dad profusely for that. Howard's mom, Ray Stern, then got on the phone to wish her son a happy birthday. Howard complained that his mom never breast fed him. Howard then asked his mom to go into intimate details about the night he was conceived but she refused to say anything other than he was a planned pregnancy. Howard started doing an imitation of his dad telling his mom to get ready for a baby. Howard wanted to know what position his parents were in when they were conceived but Mrs. Stern wouldn't say. Howard said he conceived all his kids in the doggy style position. Howard then reminded his mom that she thought his penis was very small when he was born, but Mrs. Stern said she didn't remember saying that. Howard started hounding her about it and she said that she didn't call in to talk about his penis and that it was time for her to get off the phone.
A DUCK, TWO A'S AND FUDGIE THE WHALE
Gilbert Gottfried (the voice of the AFLAC duck), sat in on the news and spent the majority of his time making racial jokes and doing Woody Allen impressions. Howard goofed on Gilbert because he used to go to Al Goldstein's house all the time for a free brunch and now that Goldstein is broke Gilbert only gave him $20. Gilbert laughed and said he didn't even give him that much. He said he's never given to charity in his life. Gilbert told a story about how he was on the Tonight Show recently and got locked in the dressing room bathroom. He started banging on the door and even tried to break a window to get out. He eventually smashed a hole in the door big enough for him to crawl out through. During the news Howard let Double A come in to give him a birthday present. Howard said that Double A had been waiting around all day to do this. Double A gave Howard a bottle of vodka, some Now and Laters and a clock with a picture of Howard and Beth Ostrosky on it. Gilbert started making fun of Double A's voice, saying he sounded like the Ratso from "Midnight Cowboy." At the end of the show the entire KROCK sales staff came in with a cake for Howard. Tom Chiusano said he bought Howard a "Fudgie the Whale" cake in honor of Fred who loves those Carvel cakes. Gary said it was sad because this is Howard's last birthday ever at KROCK.

Contributions by: Jason Kaplan
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