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Sunday, April 02, 2006

Assclowns of the Week #33: April Fools Edition

(pic courtesy of Bildung Blog.)

Happy belated April Fool’s Day, all! The more literate among us may recall that T. S. Eliot kicked off “The Waste Land” with the words, “April is the cruelest month.” And who better than yours truly to prove the validity of that statement by kneecapping, crotch-kicking, short hair-pulling and otherwise cheap-shotting the assclowns of the past week?

And who’re the denizens of this much-coveted and august list this weekend, you may ask? Well, I’m glad you asked because in this 33rd edition of ACOTW, we set our sights on George W. Bush (3) for assigning the blame for Iraq’s still unofficial civil war squarely where it belongs: On the dictator who's spent the last two plus years impersonating Charles Manson and washing his undies; Neal Boortz (4), for weighing in on the really hair-raising issues; Howard Kaloogian (2) for attempting to replace a crook by being a liar who couldn’t get a job working as a photographer for The National Enquirer; The United States Army (6), for banning privately bought armor to supplant the armor with which they still haven’t completely supplied our troops and Supreme Court Justice “Fat Tony” Scalia (10) for his creative genuflecting on holy ground.

So lower the trap door of those pants and let’s take a peek at these Assclowns of the week and much, much more!

10) Justice Antonin “Fat Tony” Scalia

“Fongul! I ain’t sayin’ nuttin’! I take da fifth, ya cocksucker!”

“Hot House Grapes” Tony Scalia really did his part to advance judicial impartiality, dignity and temperance as well as striking a mighty blow against Italian-American stereotypes last Sunday. In Boston, right after taking Communion, Fat Tony was asked if he’d received much heat from any wise guys after he’d said that Gitmo detainees had no rights (It may be worth mentioning that an evil cabal of retired admirals and generals has asked that Scalia recuse himself.).

Accounts initially varied as to what hand gesture Tony had actually made but whichever one it was, the sign of the cross wasn’t it (although I wouldn’t be surprised if he crosses himself with his middle finger extended).

Now, this particular bit of foolery reveals at least three things about Captain Orgy and the GOP in general:

1) It exposes the easy hypocrisy by which Scalia conducts his affairs in church and in judicial matters. (One of the most common reasons why Roberts and Alito refused to answer Judiciary Committee questions was, “I may have to rule on that in the future.” Well, the SCOTUS is about to weigh in on detainee rights and apparently prejudice is OK once you clear committee.)

2) It also betrays Scalia’s attitude toward any and all criticism or any news of any criticism after making what were blatantly prejudicial attacks on people whose guilt hasn’t even begun to be proven. If you’re a Republican, especially if you’re in power, there’s only one side to every story.

3) Thirdly, it demonstrates the contempt that Scalia holds for certain laws that conflict with his neocon beliefs.

In the end, Scalia’s little performance in Boston made him come off looking like an Italian mob boss who just came out after a tough day with a grand jury rather than a Christian jurist who’d just come out of Mass.

9) The Boston Archdiocese

Perhaps a more apt title for this Assclowns of the Week edition should be entitled “Shoot the Messenger” since it seems to be a running theme this week. Because when Fat Tony said, “Don’t print that”, he couldn’t have created a greater demand for it if he’d had T-Rex-sized men in pinstriped suits beat up the photographer, smash his camera and expose the film. However, by saying so and making a disrespectful, sacreligious gesture on holy ground, he did create a demand for the picture of him making it. So how does the Boston Archdiocese respond? By firing Peter Smith, the freelance photographer, for selling the picture to the Boston Herald. I never thought that I’d ever be lauding a tabloid bird cage liner like the Herald but I gotta give ‘em kudos for having the balls to publish the photograph above.

So, let’s get the ground rules straight: If you’re a republican and make an assclown of yourself in front of a cathedral, the disrespected church in question will defend you. If you’re a photojournalist who practices his and protects his readers’ first amendment rights by publishing a picture of the incident, you’ll be fired. Any questions?

What can you expect from a misogynistic, hypocritical entity that shuffles pederast priests from parish to parish then responds to the scandal by persecuting gays?

8) The Department of Defense

William Fisher of somehow manages write to write an eye-opening essay on a little-known DoD program known as BISCUIT, or Behavioral Science Consultation Teams, in spite of not getting an iota of information from the DoD itself.

Here’s what the crux of the biscuit boils down to:
“Now, just in case you've been living on Pluto for the past year or so, BISCUITS - Behavioral Science Consultation Teams - consist of military psychiatrists, psychologists, behavioral scientists, and other health care professionals. Their role, it has been charged by former Guantánamo interrogators, is to advise the military on ways of increasing psychological duress on detainees, sometimes using their medical records to find ways of exploiting their fears and phobias, to make them more cooperative and willing to provide information.”

You read that right, ladies and gents: We’re using, under the antiseptic, respectable heading of Behavioral Science Consultation Teams, detainees’ own fears against them in order to get them to give us bogus information in order to keep from going into coronaries..

Is it any surprise now where those idiots like England, Graner, etc. got the inspiration for using attack dogs on Muslims at Abu Ghraib?

7) TN State Rep. Debra Maggart

Like another vile creature with a similar name, Tennessee state representative Debra Maggart earned her hazel snout by shoving it up the asses of the far, far Christian right. And what did this two-legged fly larva say to earn a coveted spot on this list? By writing an email that said gay couples want to adopt children to molest them. And we have the evidence, she claims!

Hm. A quick search on Google using the key words “gay couples”, “adopt”, “molest” and “abuse” turns up 255,000 results, the top spots dealing with Debra Maggart’s dim view of gay adoption and other alarmist wingnuts and no confirmed stories of gay adoptive parents molesting their children. Alarmist wingnuts such as these homophobes in this 2002 “report.” (As an aside, here’s an excellent 2005 expose by Michael Niman that only partially delineates Republican hypocrisy regarding family values, with two excellent sections entitled “Republican of the Year” and “Gay Bashing Pedophiles”.)

The evidence of this widespread problem is still forthcoming, I guess. With the administration leaning hard on Google, you can’t be too careful, these days…

6) The US Army

No armor, no death benefits, no problem! So what’s the problem?
Army Bans Private Armor, especially that made by Pinnacle.

Which is quite odd, considering that back in July of 2003, or less than four months after the invasion, the DoD had awarded this self-same company a contract for their Phase Two vests. By January 14th, 2006, it had come out that the Department of Defense had suddenly done an about-face and issued a directive denying death benefits to soldiers wearing Pinnacle’s Dragon Skin armor that they’d bought with their own money.

Unfortunately, according to Navy, this isn’t the first time that the Army had acquired supposedly-faulty armor, nor, according to, the only time.
5) The US Senate

If you’re curious as to how “partisan” an issue such as lobbyist reform is, especially in the Senate, and if you’ve ever wondered about the absurdity of foxy lawmakers being charged with guarding the henhouse by being allowed to write their own rules, then look no further than the 90-8 split by which the Legislative Transparency and Accountability Act of 2006 (please don’t snicker, I’m trying to work here) passed this week.

The Senate version of the bill, as with the joke that was the House version, addresses the less important issues while side-stepping the real ones like inconveniently-dropped dog turds.

Now, I reasonably expect the K Street Republicans in Congress to apply a no-stick Bandaid to the 535 car pileup that is lobbyist influence and down-and-dirty campaign finance. After all, when a Republican’s balls itch, their favorite lobbyist will scratch them for them, so politically symbiotic is their relationship.

But color me naïve, it’s discouraging for me, a flame-throwing liberal who’s considering getting a Howard Dean tattoo, to see the Democrats also acknowledge on which side their crackers are caviared.

Let’s take a look at not just what’s in this bill but at what’s not in it:

What’s in it: Lobbyists will be barred from buying gifts and wining and dining lawmakers.

What’s not in it: Language better delineating the ban and forbidding corporate executives, such as Bush’s old buddies like Ken Lay, from picking up the tab.

What’s in it: Senators will need a hall pass from the GOP-controlled Ethics Committee before flying on corporate jets.

What’s not in it: The need to pay charter instead of commercial prices for those private corporate jets.

What’s in it: Bean counters in the Senate could benefit from a tool called “points of order” that could be used to bring an “earmark”, or a pet pork barrel project, up for vote, whereby it would require a 60 or more majority vote to pass.

What’s not in it: Any limits or bans on the number of “earmarks” that can be passed. And so forth and so on.

A worthless Bandaid in place of the tourniquet and full body cast that’s called for only brings out the increasing absurdity and futility of a group of self-interested “lawmakers” who are constitutionally charged with writing and passing laws that could conceivably endanger their re-election chances.

When all is said and done, I guess it should come as no surprise that politicians on both sides of the aisle may think globally but act parochially. I just expected more from a party that can afford to take the high road and could’ve used this issue as an opportunity to further show up a GOP already beset with countless ethics scandals, which would be a better way to regain the majority in both Houses than to continue doing business the same old, corrupt way.

4) Neal Boortz

Because, you know, somebody had to say it!

Some people wear their hearts on their sleeves. Neal Boortz wears on his sleeve his bile duct and he proved it once again by saying on his radio show that Georgia Rep. Cynthia McKinney looked “like a ghetto slut” and “like Tina Turner peeing on an electric fence.”

Thank God “Mighty Whitey’s” steel trap toy machine grappling hook of a mind can focus on the real issues, like Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney’s hairdo. Because, decent, respectable, rich, white America cannot long be expected to suffer the ongoing freedom of a black woman who’d assaulted a proper white bread white Caucasian white man.

Fucking A, Neal, we need to put this dangerous amazon in police custody for not hurting anyone so Congress can get back to its real job of protecting our war president for getting thousands killed on 9/11, several thousands more in Iraq (not including tens of thousands more Iraqi civilian casualties), 1300 more during and after Katrina and likewise circling the wagons around Tom DeLay, Dennis Hastert, Bob Ney and a half a dozen cellblocks worth of other Republican scumbags.

But fear not: They do have hearts and minds, after all, Constant Reader, for Neal "apologizes" for calling Cynthia McKinney's hair "an explosion in a Brillo factory." This is my response to Neal's "apology" (which doesn't address his obvious racism, which is the real reason for the outrage):


How about some of the other stupid-ass things you've said in the past, such as the wealthy of NYC having the right to be warned about terrorist attacks on the subways and how 'that's the way it should be'?

No wonder your wife left you and goes under an assumed name.

In your ersatz 'apology', you tried to make amends simply for having a drifting focus, that you shouldn't have focused on McKinney's hair. Of course, the REAL issue regarding your statements last night is indeed your erroneous focus but on her race. Comparing her to a 'ghetto slut' and likening her to 'Tina Turner peeing on an electric fence' was based on nothing more or less than your rampant racism. As far as your 'apology' goes, it was entirely apropos for April Fool's Day and only makes your admission of guilt all the more suspect.

You are a bald-headed, misogynistic fool, a self-styled libertarian (a Republican who wants to smoke pot) who nonetheless allies himself with the Far Racist Right for the invulnerability it affords you. You're a fool, Boortz, a fat, lonely fool who somehow beat out some pretty stiff competition and finished high on my weekly list of the Top Ten Republican Assclowns. Come check it out sometime if you can get a staffer to read it to you (I use big words sometimes).”

3) “President” George Bush

Meet Saddam Hussein, who, according to “Wrong Way” George, is responsible for more deaths and civil unrest since his ouster three years ago than in the first thirty-five years of his reign as dictator of Iraq.

On Wednesday, George blamed the civil war that’s all but at a full boil on the former Iraqi ruler who’s been incarcerated in Baghdad for nearly two and a half years. This surreal pronouncement, in its complete disconnect from reality, for the obvious facts, only further illustrates the neocons’ pathological inability to take blame for anything.

So let’s just forget that the civil unrest, let’s charitably call it, was caused by our leaving a power vacuum in Iraq by ousting Saddam, leaving the nation to politically and socially implode on itself like an old Vegas casino slated for demolition. Pay no attention to the 30,000-100,000 corpses behind the administration’s lead curtain (that would be the civilians, including children, that we’ve murdered either due to incompetence, neglect, or had willfully murdered). And please, completely disregard that our jailing, torturing, beating to death Iraqis in violation of the Geneva Convention, our replacing the needlessly dead civilians with corrupt contractors right out of The Sopranos who aren’t doing shit to rebuild a country that we’ve bombed back into the Bronze Age and that we’re doing a worse and worse job of training the native security forces to take over the day to day security so that we can leave, which is never for the remainder of this administration, says Dear Leader.

And, uh, the al Qaida terrorists who are running all over Iraq like birthday party crashers at a Chuck E. Cheese? Put them on Saddam’s tab, too, since he suddenly found love for them sometime between his dental exam at his capture and him washing out his skivvies.

And somewhere between Arkansas and New York, a former president breathes a sigh of relief.

2) Howard Kaloogian

“I’m George W. Bush and I appear to have approved this Photoshopped scam.”

Howard Kaloogian, vying for Duke Cunningham’s vacated congressional seat in CA-50, makes the penultimate spot for two things: Trying to pass off a picture of an Istanbul intersection as an example of how peaceful Baghdad is and then defending the fraudulent photography by 1) blaming the staffer and 2) by blaming the Army for not wanting him to expose that part of Iraq’s capital to terrorist attention.

AnthonyLA at Daily Kos was the first to break this scam. Katymine, also on DKos, lifted another comically altered photo of Kaloogian, this one “posing” with George Bush (which, I suppose, is the best alternative, since it implies GOP support at the highest level without the toxic fallout of actually being seen with President 33%). So what’s the responsible thing to do? Blame the staffer. No, no, here’s the real reason why we’d lied: “If we posted something that was easily identifiable, it could be a target.” Because ABC, CBS, NBC, MSNBC, Fox, CNN and other outlets, since March 2003, has never broadcast video or photographic images of Baghdad.

Now, kudos go to Kaloogian for valiantly doing his part to battle and confound terrorism and protect Baghdad from its perfidy with his keyboard and six tons of coffee. But, really, if the terrorists mistakenly bomb Istanbul in the unlikely event that they ever forget where Baghdad is, then we fully expect you to assign responsibility where it belongs: On the heads of Jill Carroll, Bill Clinton, George Soros and liberal blogs.

Now, a quick look through Kaloogian’s official website turns up these other pictures purported to be of peaceful, safe downtown Baghdad:

Kaloogian’s photographic subterfuge and his rationale for it does, however, shed some light on why the US government safeguards Al Gore by posting in every federal building this decoy picture:

1) Right Wingnuts

I’m willing to believe the worst about Republicans and their surrogates. For instance, if one were to say that neocons routinely crash the wakes of people they don’t even know just to steal their wedding rings and other jewelry, cop a feel on the way out, fence the booty and put the money in the pockets of heroin dealers so they can get addicted to smack the children of their Democratic opponents and then use their inexplicable family troubles in their attack campaign ads…

…I’d say, “No fucking duh. Tell me something I don’t already know, Edward R. Murrow.”

But the attacks on Jill Carroll, just released early Thursday morning, surprised even me. Here’s a link to a Think Progress page that offers, sadly, only a partial list of right wingnut shit-for-brains who’d begun smearing Jill within minutes of her release, which easily, despite stiff competition, earned them the top spot this week.

Now, I’ll be a good l’il librul and just barely mention the chutzpah and hypocrisy of liberal blogs suddenly rallying to Jill’s aid and, to paraphrase Dr. Johnson in his letter to Lord Chesterfield, “encumbering (her) with help” now that she’s safely back in Boston. I’ll almost gloss over the fact that the majors of the left b’sphere has, over the past 72 hours, given Jill more attention, bandwidth and support than in the three months of her ordeal combined. So, Aravosis, Amato, Kos, Duncan and especially that verbose, worthless bag of Chlamydia that goes by the name of Jane Hamsher, I’m giving you all a break this week. No, this isn’t a leftover April Fool’s prank. I’m cutting you some slack because your despicable hypocrisy designed to take down the right while masquerading as concern and admiration for Jill Carroll pales in comparison with the far right’s attacks on her to which we’re taking exception.

Because, according to JPod and his ilk, Hanoi Jill is an Iraqi sympathizer and doesn’t look sufficiently victimized to be a universal object of admiration, love and compassion. Would asking for a few ligature marks, cuts and/or bruises be too much to ask for? And you clowns call yourselves “The Revenge Brigade”?

And after all, how can she be a sympathetic figure after the love, admiration and compassion that she displayed for the Iraqi people in her non-biased and balanced reporting on them? Because, despite what Dear Leader says, we’re not there to liberate them, bring them democracy, into the 21st century or to actually help them in any way, shape or form. For God’s sake, people, Iraq is within proximity of the nations that sponsored the terrorists who’d attacked us on 9/11.

And what the fuck, the wingnuts are far-rightly demanding, is up with that propaganda video? How dare that mild-mannered reporter with glasses cave in so quickly just because she was surrounded by men with machine guns who told her that her freedom was conditional on making said video?

Let’s play Monday morning hostage for a minute: If I was Jill Carroll, I would’ve pulled off that veil, all those clothes, revealed my spandex Supergirl costume and kicked their hairy, swarthy asses for truthiness, no justice, oil, defense profits and the American Way. That is, er, if I was, you know, actually in the line of fire. But this damned trick knee keeps me and my kids from enlisting.

This is essentially the wingnut position in a nutshell and these Dana Rohrabacher Koolaid burps echoing from one side to the other of the right b’sphere and the airways are the indignant and blustery expression of guilt and embarrassment. Jill Carroll, prior to her January 7th kidnapping, was an obscure journalist out of many who could afford to be ignored.

But after 1/7… well, then people began reading her Christian Science Monitor articles more closely and when she became part of the story instead of merely a reporter of it, people began listening to her words of humanity. And the longer the administration and State Dept. dragged its fat, red white and blue ass, the longer they left her to twist in the wind, the more that they were shown up by Hamas, of all people, by openly calling for her release, the more Jill unwittingly and unknowingly chagrined our government.

And despite Jill Carroll publicly denouncing that propaganda video, it isn’t enough for these George W. Romero republicans. Because, you see, shooting the messenger, even an accidental messenger like Jill Carroll, is far easier than addressing the sticky, embarrassing and criminal issues still facing us in our collective gang-rape of Iraq.

And the fact that a murderous gang of kidnappers and thugs showed more mercy and humanity toward Jill than our own government rankles in the back of their reptilian minds.

Dishonorable Mention: The BBC tells the story of Josh Key, a soldier who’d deserted the Army after seeing harrowing acts of inhumanity in Iraq. Want a sample? Try this on for size: “Among the incidents, he described soldiers kicking the severed head of an Iraqi like a football in Ramadi.” But according to Dubya, it’s Saddam’s fault for civil unrest in Iraq, not acts such as this. (Tip o’ the tinfoil hat to Strange Detractor at Professor Booty for the link.)

The unfortunately named Ace of Spades has a really ridiculous post of about Rep. Cynthia McKinney, who had a dustup recently while she was wrongly stopped by a Capitol cop when she didn’t go through the metal detector at the Capitol Building (congresspeople don’t have to). The radical right, including some idiot named Allahpundit on Malkin’s blog are creaming their Brooks Brothers’ pants over McKinney’s arrest warrant. See ya’ll next week!

Btw, it seems that I've hit the big time. I'm finally getting noticed by the wingnuts.


At Sunday, April 02, 2006 10:04:24 PM, Firestarter5 said...

Assclowns for April Fools. Absolute brilliance.

At Monday, April 03, 2006 1:27:51 AM, col. mustard said...


Brilliant! I, for one, am sold on this Kaloogian cat: he's got the looks, he's got the message, and he's got the pictures to prove it.

Nicely done.

At Monday, April 03, 2006 7:40:22 AM, rimone said...

having no idea where to begin, i'll only say you're on fire, JP--another excellent post.

At Monday, April 03, 2006 10:26:21 AM, spaghetti happens said...

Good on ya for your smackdown of our favorite Republican nitwits, but am I going to have to go back and measure everybody's column-inch-count to see who on the left cared most about Jill Carroll? I mean, what a bunch of gratuitous bitch-slapping of people on our side who are doing the right thing, especially Jane Hamsher.

That part I didn't really get.

At Monday, April 03, 2006 10:28:19 AM, Sam said...

Poor Jill - I wonder how many guns were trained on her so that she recanted?

At Monday, April 03, 2006 7:13:19 PM, jurassicpork said...


Apparently, you weren't paying very close attention when Jill was in the custody of the Revenge Brigade. It may behoove you to do some research between her capture on January 7th until the 30th of March, when she was released, and count the number of times the major liberal blogs that I've "gratutitously bitch-slapp(ed)" had actually posted something about her. Then count the number of times I'd mentioned her after the third video.

You'll note two very different numbers, a fact picked up by a great number of other smaller blogs.

And the worthless, gutter-sniping cunts at Firedoglake, may their gaux feminist souls forever rot in hell, are especially deserving of a bitchslapping (again), because their response to my criticism for their inaction during Jill's hostage ordeal, silently banning me as if I didn't exist and then banning me again from the new site, is something that's more despicable than any treatment that I've ever gotten from right-wingers.

I stand by my words 110% and will have nothing but contempt for Hamsher and her estrogen brigade. The facts speak for themselves. They're rallying around Jill now as a convenient vehicle for gutter-sniping the assholes on the right for gutter-sniping Jill. Which is well-deserved, I think, but where the fuck were the major blogs, especially Firedoglake, when Jill's life was actually in danger and when applying pressure on the State Dept. and the WH could've gotten her released that much sooner instead of leaving it to Hamas and Jill's twin brother.

Sam: What the fuck is that crack supposed to mean? I'd like for you to explain that.

At Monday, April 03, 2006 7:15:15 PM, jurassicpork said...

Twin sister, I'd meant to say.

At Monday, April 03, 2006 8:56:01 PM, Gratis said...

So, Aravosis, Amato, Kos, Duncan and especially that verbose, worthless bag of Chlamydia that goes by the name of Jane Hamsher, I’m giving you all a break this week. No, this isn’t a leftover April Fool’s prank. I’m cutting you some slack because your despicable hypocrisy designed to take down the right while masquerading as concern and admiration for Jill Carroll pales in comparison with the far right’s attacks on her to which we’re taking exception.

You know, I enjoyed the entire piece, but this one really spoke to my heart. Well, done, JP.


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