U.S. MILITARY TO ATTACK INSURGENTS WITH PARIS HILTON ALBUM


Hollywood — Several days after Paris Hilton announced that she will release a music album, the Pentagon has decided to buy 50,000 copies of her upcoming album to use against insurgents in the volatile Anbar province in western Iraq.

“Anbar is an insurgent hotbed stretching from west of Baghdad to the Syrian border,” said General Paul Raichen. “We’re already sending in 1,500 additional American troops from a reserve force in Kuwait. But we need more help in defeating the enemy. We believe Paris Hilton’s upcoming album can do a lot of damage against these militants.”

This is not the first time the U.S. military has used music to defeat or capture the enemy. In 1989, American armed forces in Panama tried to capture General Manuel Antonio Noriega. The troops surrounded the Vatican embassy where Noriega had taken refuge. U.S. troops started blasting Eddie Murphy’s 1985 song “Party All the Time” for a full four minutes before Noriega quickly surrendered.

“Music is a very powerful instrument,” said General Raichen. “Not only will we set up speakers in the insurgent hotbeds with Paris’ music blasting, but we will also airdrop CDs in the hopes that the insurgents will be curious enough to play the album and blow themselves up in their homes before killing any innocent people.”

Hilton says her upcoming album will be a mix of reggae, pop and hip-hop, with the first single being a reggae song called “Stars Are Blind.”

“The whole album has so much different music on it. I like all music,” said Hilton. “I’m happy the U.S. military has shown so much interest in my album. They’ve already asked me if I’m working on a follow-up. The answer is yes. I’m doing something without instruments. Something like that Bobby McFerrin dude who did ‘Don’t Worry Be Happy.’ Actually, it’s exactly the same thing, except I’m calling it, ‘That’s Hot!.’”

General Raichen says the initial plans called for U.S. warplanes to airdrop Kevin Federline’s upcoming album “Playing with Fire” on the insurgents.

“We wanted to strike the militants with the Federline album, but then things got complicated,” said Gen. Raichen. “The United Nations had the album tested, and they quickly determined that Federline’s music falls under the Geneva Protocol of 1925, and is now considered a biological weapon and a chemical weapon. We were prohibited from using it on the insurgents.”