Alice and Bob Jokes


( Back to: Theory, Physics, University of Bristol, [My Home])

Justification

I've been to a fair few lectures on Quantum Computing or QIP in general, and have noticed that there's apretty poor standard of jokes about the subject. Most are based on 'superposition' being applied to anything that moves about/ is blurry/ is uncertain/ doesn't work. This is frankly unacceptable, and at a recent conference in Dublin (QUIPROCONE 2002) four of us got together to do something about it...

Alice and Bob...


    Alice and Bob go into this bar. The barman looks at them, and says to Alice, "Are you two together?"

    Alice replies, "Together? We're inseperable!"


    Alice and Bob go into this bar. Alice goes and sits at the table, while Bob goes up to ther barman and says, "Hello mon, a pint of de bitter, mon." The barman says, "Are you Jamaican or something?" Bob replies, "Aye, fur de purposes of de joke, mon."

    The barman asks, "What about your girlfriend? Does she want a drink?" So bob says, "Well mon, every time I buys a pint of bitter, she has a pint of lager, and everytime I get a lager she get a pint of bitter, so no, mon, she can get her own." "Fine" says the barman.

    Anyway, the barman looks over and sees Alice talking to Caroline Corr of the Irish band 'The Corrs.' There's also a strange patch of insects moving around behind Caroline's head and going "CHIK-CHIK-CHIK," but neither of the women seem to have noticed.

    This noise gets louder and louder, until Caroline eventually cups her hand to her ear, and listens intently to the insects. She then leans over, and whispers in Alice's ear. Alice gets up, rushes to the bar and orders a pint of bitter. The barman turns to Bob, and says, "I thought every time you buy a pint of bitter, she has a pint of lager, and everytime you get a lager she gets a pint of bitter. What's going on?"

"Ah, mon, you see", says Bob, "De Corr hear ants."


    Alice and Bob go into this bar. Alice goes and sits at the table, while Bob goes up to ther barman and says, "Hello, a pint of bitter, please."

    The barman asks, "What about your girlfriend? Does she want a drink?" So Bob says, "Well, every time I buys a pint of bitter, she has a pint of lager, and everytime I get a lager she get a pint of bitter, so no, she can get her own." "Fine" says the barman.

    Anyway, the barman looks over and sees Alice snogging Jim Corr of the Irish band 'The Corrs.' The two of them are really going at it, and the barman is quite disgusted.

    The barman thinks to himself, "That's a bit much for this time of day. Anyway, isn't that Alice Corr, his sister?" Meanwhile, Alice has broken free of Jim, rushes to the bar and orders a pint of bitter.

    The barman turns to Bob and says "Are you OK with all this? I mean, I thought every time you buy a pint of bitter, she has a pint of lager, and everytime you get a lager she gets a pint of bitter. Besides, your girlfriend also seems to be snogging her own brother."

"Oh, it's fine" says Bob, "she's completly Non - Corr Related."


    Alice and Bob go into this bar. It's late at night, and they're both a bit worse for wear. Alice orders a drink, and Bob slumps face first onto the bar. "A pint of bitter for my boyfriend here, and a lager for myself," says Alice, "And don't tell me how much it is, just put it on our tab."

    So the barman pours drink after drink, Bob and Alice get more and more drunk, and even the barman hasn't got a clue how much they've had or how much they've spent.

    At the end of the night the barman rings up the tab, and says, "That's 54 pounds, 51 pence, but I've no idea how many beers that was, or how much each cost."

    Bob lifts his head from the puddle of stale beer it's resting in, gazes vaguely at the barman and pronounes, "That's 23 drinks at 237 pence each," before dropping his head back on the bar.

The barman stares at Bob and says, "Wow! That was really quick! Are you Shor?"


    Alice and Bob go into this bar. Alice goes and sits at the table, while Bob goes up to ther barman and says, "Chiao!, a pint-a of lager, please."

    The barman says, "Are you Italian or something?" Bob replies, "Si, si, for-a the purposes of-a de joke, Senor." The barman asks, "What about your girlfriend? Does she want a drink?" So Bob says, "Well-a, every time I-a buy a pint of-a bitter, she-a has a pint of lager, and everytime I-a get a lager she-a get a bitter, so no, she-a can get-a her own." "Fine" says the barman.

    Anyway, the barman looks over and sees Alice snogging Mick Hucknall of the band 'Simply Red.' The two of them are all over each other, and the barman looks on horrified. Eventually, Alice breaks free, rushes to the bar and orders a pint of lager.

    The barman turns to Bob and says " I thought every time you get a bitter she gets a pint of lager. Besides, your girlfriend is snogging that ginger singer from Simply Red."

Bob turns to him, shrugs, and says, "She's-a Mick's Date."


    Alice and Bob walk into this bar.

Or did they?


    Bob walks into this bar. He goes up to the barman and says, "A pint of Bitter please, and can I use your phone?" Bob picks up the phone. "Hi, I'm in the pub. I'm having a bitter. Yeh. Bye." The barman asks him what that was all about. "Well," says Bob, "You know about the whole bitter/lager thing from the last few jokes, and Me and Alice have just got a new job. She's down in London, and I'm have to stay up here in Workington. I wish I was in London, there's clubs and theatres and loads to do, while I'm stuck in Workington with a bunch of jam eaters."

    "That seems a bit unfair," replies the barman, "Why should she get all the fun? You should share things, you know, you drive down to London every week, and she could drive up here. That'd be OK, there'd be no difference, would there?"

"No, no no," says Bob, shaking his head, "We don't commute."


    Alice and Bob go into this bar. Alice sits down at a table while Bob gets in the drinks. Bob puts the drinks on the table, saying," A bitter for me, and a bitter for you."

Alice looks up sharply at him and says, "You've been seeing that 'Eve' bitch again, haven't you!"


    Alice and Bob go into this bar. It's late at night and they're drunk. They get a drink each and go off into their corner. They start gettinging a bit frisky, and kissing and canoodleing. The barman isn't too happy, but seeing as they're such good customers, he lets it slide. Before too long, though, they're both naked, and getting down to it.

    The barman covers his eyes, trying not to look. As he sneaks a glimpse through his fingers, he sees something wierd - he can't make out what they're doing. He looks again, but is still confused. He turns to the drunk propping up the bar next to him, and asks, "What's going on? He seems to be screwing her over the table AND getting a blowjob at the same time. That doesn't make any sense. Looks brilliant though, doesn't it?"

"Yeh," sighs the drunk whistfully, "It's a super position."


    Alice and Bob go into this bar. Alice is dressed all in leather, with knee-high boots, a corset, and a whip, and she's also covered head to toe in tatoos. Bob is getting in the drinks, when he notices the barman and one of the regulars poring over a puzzle. He asks what the guy is doing. "Well, says the regular, "it's a puzzle. I'm trying to arrange all these dominos in a square, so all the ones are next to each other, all the two are next to each other, and so on. It's really hard though, I've been trying for weeks."

    So Bob leans over, hmms for a bit then turns to Alice, and peers closely at the tatoos on her left arm, scratches his head, looks at her right arm, and peers at the back of her neck. He turns back to the puzzle, and quck as a flash, arranges all the pieces perfectly in a square.

    The barman and the regular are amazed. They turn to Bob and ask, "How on earth did you do that so quickly? And what's all that business with Alice?"

"Ah," says Bob, "She's a domino matrix."


    Alice and Bob walk into a bar, Bob says "Can I have a J.D., a G. 'n' T. and a packet of M & Ms please?" The barman says, "sorry mate, we don't serve those letters here" "What do you mean?" asks Bob.

The barman replies "Well mate, this is an h-bar."


    Alice and Bob walk into a bar. Alice goes and sits at the table, while Bob goes up to ther barman and says, "Hello, a pint of bitter, please." The barman asks, "What about your girlfriend? Does she want a drink?" So Bob says, "Well, every time I buys a pint of bitter, she has a pint of lager, and everytime I get a lager she get a pint of bitter, so no, she can get her own." "Fine" says the barman, giving Bob his drink. As Bob goes to sit down

    Alice comes up to the bar and orders a pint of lager. "Thought so" says the barman, giving Alice her lager. 5 mins later Bob is back at the bar ordering another bitter and sure enough as he sits down Alice gets up and orders a pint of lager.

    As Bob goes up for his 6th pint of bitter the barman asks "Look, I know you have this thing about you buying a pint of bitter and her getting a lager but are you sure she can keep up, she's looking quite drunk?" "Listen" says Bob, "That's the way it works, just keep serving her." 3 pints later Alice falls over as she's on her way to the bar, she's now so drunk she can hardly speak. "Sorry, what was that?" says the barman "A pnnt llggggggggrrrrrr" slurs Alice. The barman has no idea what she's saying. "Look, I can't understand you" he says, "But as you've got this bitter/lager thing going with Bob, I guess you want a pint of lager" and he pours her a pint. When Bob goes up for his next pint of bitter the barman is determined to make a stand. "Look Bob, I really thing she's had enough. Look at her, she can't stand up and I couldn't even understand what she was asking for last time she came up here." "You're sure you couldn't understand her?" "Completley. I only gave her a lager because you came up for a bitter before her" "Oh well, that's fine then, give her a glass of water next time." "You sure that's ok, I mean what about your bitter/lager thing?"

"Well", says Bob, "that doesn't apply when she's totally incoherent."


    Bob walks into a bar. "Hello" says the barman "who's this you've got with you Bob?" "This is my son Charlie, Alice has just teleported him over from her alternate universe for the first time" "Oh," says the barman, "What's this alternative universe like then?" "Oh its just like this one, except it doesn't have religion" "How bizarre" says the barman, "and what a coincidence that we have our annual religious beer festival out the back, why don't you go and have a look?"

    So Bob and his son Charlie have a few pints and go out into the garden. "What's that dad?" asks Charlie, pointing to a man dressed in a purple cloak holding a large gold stick and necking a bottle of red liquid. "Thassa Bishop tryin ta break the record for downing-a-bottle-of-port" says Bob, who's sluring his words into each other by now. "And what's that dad?" he says pointing to an indian man sitting upside down with his legs crossed holding a bottle of whisky. "Thassa very-drunk-Iman, son" says Bob in the same fast slurred speech "And what's that dad?" he says pointing to a man dressed in black, with a black hat and a pointy beard who is running from one end of the garden to the other and back, having a shot of whisky at each end.

Bob Replies, "That's a Rabi off-his-face-son"


Compiled Sept '02

David Leigh, Gavin Morlet, Denzil Rodrigues, Jamie Walker