For years I have recommended child training books. Since I never thought a message had to cover the complete scope of the subject or that it had to be perfect in truth for me to benefit from it, I have taken the tack to recommend a book based upon the good I saw in it. There are some books, however, that I don’t believe possess enough redeeming value to even mention so I don’t. They tend toward giving the reader lots of ‘tricks’ that are void of true principles for a myriad of situations that may arise in the course of family life. Much of the advice encourages the parents’ exercise of outward control and manipulation to gain the child’s outward compliance, obedience, and ongoing cooperation. Then there are some messages that possess mixed spirits (of the Spirit of the Lord and of a spirit of legalism) but have enough truth to benefit from their reading. I think there is very little that is perfect in grace and Spirit, and it seems to me that mature believers can exercise discernment, and practice ignoring what isn’t useful while accepting what’s good. But it came to my attention that some thought that I was unaware of the legalistic leanings in a couple of the books I recommended, and suggested that I ought to dig further into their ideologies. I’ve been completely aware of the peculiar leanings of messages I read, but decided to leave it up to the reader to draw their own conclusions. Nevertheless, I will note caution where needed in this little child training ‘book review’ discussion, as most of the books tend to focus on only one aspect of child training and so the reader is left with an incomplete picture.

When Jim and I first began to homeschool (1984, the same year we were both born again), the only books that seemed to be available on child training from a Christian perspective possessed more of a psychology emphasis, the very thing we wanted to get away from, having raised our children with secular psychology techniques. I felt that Christian psychology differed little and believed that God’s way was different, because His Spirit had already been teaching me so. As I became aware of more homeschool resources I came across a couple of books that dealt with the subject of child training—What the Bible Says About Child Training by Richard Fugate and Hints on Child Training by H. Clay Trumbull. The latter appealed to my heart but I didn’t know how to ‘do it.’ I then pursued the ideas in Fugate’s book as there seemed to be clear definitions and practical application I could understand.

My children had never been spanked so we began a process of learning how to recognize signs of disobedience and followed through with spanking sessions. Eventually we learned how to spank correctly in love instead of in anger! However, there were times when I felt that maybe we were not spanking our children enough, because Fugate’s message had to do with this single aspect of child training more than any other. I learned that this was his specialty in what was a very broad subject, and that taken alone a parent could very easily operate in complete legalism. I believed this wasn’t Fugate’s intention, and learned a valuable lesson that when searching out a new subject for the first time I needed to read from a broad range of authors, all the while being submitted to the teaching of the Holy Spirit who alone could bring course corrections to my life.

I came to realize that the Lord had given me His wisdom and I was practicing and growing in my ability to hear the instruction of the Holy Spirit’s direction and guidance in dealing with my children. I was learning how to train them in outward behavior and eventually in the character of their hearts as well. The more I yielded my own heart to the Lord, the more I was able to see clearly into their hearts; an area to which I was blind before. I discovered that the more I trained them, the less I needed to spank them. I not only had outwardly obedient children but inwardly yielded hearts.

In time, I recognized that parents who are not yet mature in the Spirit of the Lord are more apt to latch onto teachings that give them a tangible model for external control over their children. A certain amount of this is necessary but requires the correct spirit which is often dangerously absent in carnal Christians. In my own case, I continued to spank when necessary, but went beyond these limitations to an emphasis on the heart aspect of child training. I had no help in the form of any book for this, only the wisdom of the Holy Spirit; as He dealt with my heart, likewise I dealt with my children’s hearts.

I never read another child training book nor became aware of new books until 1996 when I was given a copy of To Train up a Child by the Pearls. This, I found to be a gem of a little book for early child training in obedience, and parent training in consistency! I had applied similar principles in my children’s early years and had experienced good results. And I agreed with their premise that an investment of true training required less corporal discipline. However, it too presented only one aspect of the child training picture, falling short of dealing with heart issues. And I couldn’t agree with some of their suggestions that I believed would mature children in law and control rather than in grace and love. This I knew would provide a mixed message for the reader, but I still felt their book was worthwhile recommending to others, and trusted the Lord to lead them.

I believe that true success in child training will be reflected in a child whose heart is teachable, open to his parents and the Lord all the way into adulthood. When we sow seeds of godly training now, we will avoid the fruit of rebellion later. The Key to Your Child’s Heart by Gary Smalley is especially helpful to learn how to recognize a closed heart, how to prevent closing your child’s heart and how to reopen it. A true godly loving spirit in the home is the tool for bringing this about, coupled with a lot of wisdom, understanding and grace. The first half of the book is excellent toward helping in this area, while the last half of the message presents a way for parents to gain a measure of discipline and cooperation with teenagers who are exposed to peers on a daily basis, such as in a school setting. Smalley’s suggestions include making contracts with your teenager. Many homeschoolers, like Jim and me, will never need to take such measures in their family, because they are providing a solid foundation in biblical values and strong family relationships. But this message may help those who have recently pulled older children out of school and are trying to heal their relationships and turn things around.

I know the Lord will eventually lead me to write more about child training but in the meantime I want to be able to recommend books to other moms that possess a more powerful and complete message of heart discipleship, one that I could wholeheartedly endorse. Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp is foundational to understanding the parents’ discipling responsibilities. I like Tripp’s spirit and believe his message to be well worth the reading.

We carry only a couple of child training books at this time that are probably the most practical for outlining a grace-based approach to child training using biblical principles. Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes...In You and Your Kids! and Are You Good and Angry? by dual authors Turansky and Miller. These are my favorites and I know they will help you in training your children up for the Lord. We wholeheartedly recommend them because the principles of godly relationships are foundational to their philosophy. They give specific examples and instruction for how to deal with child training situations, but they do so within the context of biblical principles. Instead of a spirit of control and manipulation, God’s Spirit of love and grace are the threads woven throughout their messages. They get down to business with heart-related issues which means that parents have to become submitted to the Lord. So it really begins with the parents where it should, whereas so many child training books never even address the parent’s responsibility to be walking in truth and love, exercising an unfeigned faith. Instead they just give lots of advice on how to gain control over a child’s behavior. I’ve found that very few messages present the level of maturity in the area of godly family relationships that Turansky/Miller’s books do. This alone makes them more complete in their emphasis than most and well worth the reading.

In closing, the message I want you to take from this little ‘book review’ is that it takes maturity in the Lord to go beyond mere corporal discipline and methods of external control over our children. True parenting success will include only a small amount of child discipline in the form of correction with the rod while the greater focus and effort will be applied toward training the child’s character and discipling his heart to the Lord. Grace-based discipleship requires God’s love and lots of wisdom to be operating in us. Neither can be manufactured but can be demonstrated only by parents who are submitted to Holy Spirit heart surgery of their own. God will give us creative means to secure the attention of our children’s hearts toward His discipline, but only if we let Him.

© Copyright 2003, Marilyn Howshall