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WedMay242006

You Don't Bring Me Apples, Anymore ...

barbarofence2.jpgOK, we’ll admit it; we wrote a letter to Barbaro. Dear Babs: Get well soon, you big, crazy ungulate mammal. Sorry you got hurt, and also for breeding you with legs like chopsticks. Our bad. Well, see ya. Yeah, like you haven’t written. Sure. Have you seen New Bolton Center, the hospital in Kennett Square, Pa., where the horse is recovering after breaking its leg at the Preakness? It’s like the outside of Buckingham Palace the day after Priness Di was killed. Gifts, cards, flowers … we’re not sure what’s going on, but it’s something. Barbaro is even getting e-mail.

Of course, if you’d like to ask Barbaro himself how he’s doing, you can go to this chat page. Although when we went there, he was a little vague. Meanwhile, we have this, from the AP story:

Louis Lazar, a neighbor of trainer Michael Matz, arrived from a few miles down the road on his motorcycle to pay tribute. A cross-country horse rider and fox hunter, Lazar said watching Barbaro break down was especially moving to horse lovers.

So Lazar is a horse lover, but not so much a fox lover, we assume.

Fans Support Barbaro With Flowers, Apples [MSNBC]
Send Barbaro Your Good Wishes [Penn Veterinary Medicine]
Chat With Barbaro [NBC.10]

Permalink icon

Pray for Mojo!

by Nick Kramer on 05/24/06 02:52 PM

What the fuck is wrong with these people? Do they know greyhound adoption agencies are a much more noble cause if you want to save a gaming animal?

by Nick Kramer on 05/24/06 02:55 PM

I'll go ahead and set the over/under on glue jokes at 17. Takers?

by Rick Paulas on 05/24/06 02:55 PM

Good Christ. It's an effing HORSE.

by jake(ymon) on 05/24/06 02:56 PM

I hate Payton Manning and thus, I hate all things affiliated with the Colts. Barbaro was once a colt, so I wish death upon him.

by Roger Klotz on 05/24/06 02:56 PM

I don't think i've ever seen people so eager to get a horse to start fucking.

by SRL on 05/24/06 02:58 PM

I hate to be a jerk, but anyone who writes an e-mail to a horse is a blithering idiot. Forget the fact that horses can't read for a minute... the only reason why the beast is still alive is its value to the owners as a stallion. Winners of the Kentucky Derby for a live foal can bring in up to $500,000. Yes-- that's 500k. If you let the horse breed for 5-6 days a week, that adds up to several million dollars/year. People are sending e-mails and prayers to so that a breeder can make millions off a horse? It's madness. No wonder Hunter S. Thompson said the Kentucky Derby is decadent and depraved.

by SlickBomb on 05/24/06 03:00 PM

Dear Barbaro,

RUN! YOU STUPID FUCKING HORSE! RUN!!!!

Sincerely,
Skeets

by J.E. Skeets on 05/24/06 03:02 PM

Horse racing is a sport/culture/lifestyle that I will never understand and only pretend to be really interested in for five weeks every year.

by RyHud on 05/24/06 03:03 PM

1 million people getting killed in Darfur, but people are e-mailing a horse. Maybe we should get George Clooney and Rick Sutcliffe's daughter to Pennsylvania, they're trying to solve this thing.

by Badclown on 05/24/06 03:03 PM

So much snark directed at an athlete no dumber than your average NHL player. And way smarter than your average Seahawk fan.

by Keith Talent on 05/24/06 03:06 PM

Dear Barbaro,
You're a horse. And we all know that you can't read, give up this sham.

by Mike Diesel on 05/24/06 03:06 PM

HOORAY FOR SKEETS!!!

by Captain Caveman on 05/24/06 03:09 PM

Dear Barbaro,

Oh God, I'm so wet. I want you to come and stick that big thoroughbred horse cock so far up in me. Barbaro, you fucking animal! Do me from behind! Ride me, you stallion!

Hornily,
Mare in heat

by RectumDamnNearKilledEm on 05/24/06 03:09 PM

Stupid, idiot, moron, retarded 10 year old girls. WTF is wrong with you? Why can't you just spend $50 to get some juice freak with the head the size of a melon to sign your glove like a normal person?

by colinsmith on 05/24/06 03:10 PM

OK. so that Barbaro chat is insane. Below I have posted some of my "chat". At one point it started "sending" the question in the middle of my typing, so I ended up with unfinished words and questions. I think I confused Barbaro. It later devolved into a discussion about God in Spanish.

Q - How's your leg Barbaro?
A - I am functioning within normal parameters

Q - Do you like carrots?
A - How old are you? I like to talk about movies and music.

Q - Why didn't you answer my quest
A - :-) The ALICE chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about Why. Try being more or less specific.
Where can I find a boyfriend?

Q - ion?
A - Why does the sun rise?

Q - what the fuck is going on?
A - That's not something I get asked all the time.


by Centenary Gent on 05/24/06 03:10 PM

I was at the Preakness on Saturday. However instead of wishing Barbaro good health, I just want to say thanks to the hot chicks that got up on friend's shoulders and flashed the rest of us. You don't get the respect you truely deserve.

by Denis Lemieux on 05/24/06 03:12 PM

OMG, they are actually posting EVERY MESSAGE!!!

http://www.vet.upenn.edu/barbaro/messageboard.php

by RectumDamnNearKilledEm on 05/24/06 03:12 PM

The best news is that right after surgery and the anesthesia wore off, Barbaro was biting at people and showing interest in mares.

That horse knows his priorities!

And I was going to do a glue joke, but Paulas pretty much beat me to it.

by Juancho on 05/24/06 03:15 PM

skeets and badclown both managed to steal the ideas straight from my mind.

by Unsilent Majority on 05/24/06 03:16 PM

Okay, which one of you put up this message:

You're with me, glue.
Chris Berman, 60; Bristol, CT, USA
posted on 2006-05-24 15:16:53


And to think, people were saying that this joke was getting old!

by Hustler of Culture on 05/24/06 03:19 PM

Q - You're with me leather?
A - Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am with me leather.

by Mike Diesel on 05/24/06 03:20 PM

I just read that message board and have lost the will to live. Can anyone suggest a spectacular form of public suicide I may employ to register my dissatisfaction with humanity. Self-immolation is out. I don't want to copy that monk who set himself ablaze to protest 'Nam.

by Sarcastro on 05/24/06 03:24 PM

Best post at the message board:

You're with me, glue.
Chris Berman, 60; Bristol, CT, USA
posted on 2006-05-24 15:16:53

by Dweeze on 05/24/06 03:26 PM

Fact: If Barbaro's leg can't hold up, they humanely have the horse put down by letting Mongo punch it to death.

by Big Daddy Drew on 05/24/06 03:26 PM

Wow, they are posting every message - including this one

"You're with me, glue.
Chris Berman, 60; Bristol, CT, USA
posted on 2006-05-24 15:16:53"

Someone want to take credit?

by BowdenBowdenBowden on 05/24/06 03:28 PM

Not to get to specific, but since his only real value now is his special horsey sauce and said sauce is worth possibly millions, would it not behoove the owner to start yanking on that pole morning and night in case this ubernag can't lay pipe the old fashioned way?

If there is any problems, they can just whip out an old equistrian magazine centerfold to keep him motivated. Pretty much works for preteen boys....

Just sayin'....

by BeverageDude on 05/24/06 03:29 PM

Q - How is it that you're able to talk?
A - That is a good epistemological question.

Barbaro cracks my shit up.

by Captain Caveman on 05/24/06 03:45 PM

I have no problem with people showing the horse some love, even as demented and scary as it could be. I mean if poeple didn't show big dumb animals with skinny legs any love, how else could Berman taking any leather with him?

by Lance Uppercut on 05/24/06 03:48 PM

Bowden -- that was me.

by RectumDamnNearKilledEm on 05/24/06 03:49 PM

It's a shame that they only show the most recent posts -- and amazing that so many idiots are writing that this is even a problem.

by RectumDamnNearKilledEm on 05/24/06 04:00 PM

Barbaro, you can't read. Everyone else, he is only alive because his owner is going to get filthy rich when Barbaro produces colts. Idiots.

Shane, 19; Peoria, IL, USA
posted on 2006-05-24 16:00:45


by SRL on 05/24/06 04:03 PM

Dear Mr. Barbaro,

i am an official in the Nigerian Government, recently i came into a rather large sums of money, $20 bazillion dollars, i only need your bank account, social security number and credit card information to process your payment

by Clashed on 05/24/06 04:04 PM

Drew, face it- Barbaro is just pawn in game of life.

by Juancho on 05/24/06 04:05 PM

The only thing funnier than people writing to Barbaro is people writing to Barbaro and telling him to go out there and win that Triple Crown. (Whoever did the Bayless one, nice.)

by RectumDamnNearKilledEm on 05/24/06 04:07 PM

This was mine:

Get up. WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.
Jack Bauer, 35; Los Angeles, CA, USA, soon to be China
posted on 2006-05-24 16:18:41

meh.

by BilldaCat on 05/24/06 04:19 PM

It's good to see Americans are worried about the pressing issues of the day.

by Planet B on 05/24/06 04:19 PM

BeverageDude, it was established yesterday that artificial insemination is illegal in racing. So his value as a stud is only if he can perform the deed in person (or "in horse" I suppose, becuase despite the fact that pepole clearly think he can read, he is not in fact a person). No AV action for Barbaro, I'm afraid.

by major disaster on 05/24/06 04:24 PM

I think this one takes it:

Get up. WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.

Jack Bauer, 35; Los Angeles, CA, USA, soon to be China
posted on 2006-05-24 16:18:41

by RectumDamnNearKilledEm on 05/24/06 04:27 PM

Well played, Juancho. I'll send you a candy gram.

by Big Daddy Drew on 05/24/06 04:28 PM

Is it worng that I love that message board so much. Here are some recent favorite posts:

Barbaro, I'm 3 & love horses. My heart broke when I saw you hurting. I want to put my arms around you until you feel better. Take good care of yourself & I will be thinking of you! Love & hugs, Sonja Fortier Ramona, California
Sonja Fortier, 3; Ramona, CA, USA
posted on 2006-05-24 16:35:10

Wow, and I thought my three-year old was advanced language-wise for his age. I'm impressed Sonja. Very impressed.

Barbaro, I can't wait to see you in the sequel to Animal House!!! You're an incredible actor!
Movie Fan, 28; Washington, DC, USA
posted on 2006-05-24 16:37:45

No, no, no. It's Barney Rubble - what an actor!

Dear Barbaro, I'm so sorry your owners were so greedy they had you run the race of a lifetime at such a young age. I am sure you will be great in your new life of luxury as a daddy.. but you could have been even greater.
Sherri Morningstar, 57; Indianapolis, IN, USA
posted on 2006-05-24 16:38:52

Yeah, they should have waited a couple of years until he was TOO OLD TO RUN IN THE TRIPLE CROWN!

Barbaro, Just hang in there;it will be all right.I know...I can run again and so will you. You have made me,our great-grandpa Hail-To-Reason, and great-great-grandpa Round Table, very proud. your cousin, KING TRITON.
King Triton, TB bay horse, 16; Las Vegas, NV,
posted on 2006-05-24 16:40:01

You would think King Triton, being another horse, would know it's too soon for Barbaro to be reading email.

We speak your name, Barbaro. We speak your name.
Oprah Winfrey, 52; Chicago, IL, USA
posted on 2006-05-24 16:42:16

I bet that's actually James Frey posing as Oprah.

And our winner is:

I watched you on the Today Show and I diagnose you as recovering nicely.
Bill Frist, 56; Washington, DC, USA
posted on 2006-05-24 16:45:42

by Dweeze on 05/24/06 04:49 PM

Wrong, even.

by Dweeze on 05/24/06 04:49 PM

OK, I can kind of understand little kids posting messages to Barbaro...but the majority of those well-wishing comments are from adults. Sigh...this country makes me very sad sometimes.

by PeteJayhawk on 05/24/06 04:56 PM

Brutal, looks like they've cleaned it up. No more glue references.

by pudge44 on 05/24/06 04:59 PM

Honestly, I'm moved by the outpouring of support for a former Giants TE.

What?

by Fennis on 05/24/06 05:00 PM

Thanks for the education Major Disaster.

I can now endeavor to delete a most horrifying image from my cerebral cortex.

I am sure Barbaro prefers good ol' doggie style with a mare hottie any day.

In fact don't we all.

by BeverageDude on 05/24/06 05:02 PM

I like this one:

Barbaro, I pray to you every day. Please cure my mom's cancer. I know she's not as smart or powerful as you, but if you could help her, I sure would appreciate it.
Tim, 32; Lawrence, KS, USA
posted on 2006-05-24 17:06:40

by Paper Cut on 05/24/06 05:10 PM

Dont listen to the negative one's Barbaro..Remember, Your rubber, they are glue....it bounces off them and...oh wait, you ARE about to be glue. Disregard.
TT, 20; Clearwater, FL, America
posted on 2006-05-24 17:13:31

That was me....meh, not my finest work

by TexansTragedy on 05/24/06 05:14 PM

I can't stay away from there:

Yo B-keep on healin', dawg! Fracture-don't hate the playa, hate the game! Holla at a playa if ya see him in the street! B.Y., Stumanji
Stu S, 38; Bristol, MA, united states
posted on 2006-05-24 17:16:01

by Dweeze on 05/24/06 05:18 PM

Dweeze, no if it's wrong, then this afternoon I don't want to be right. It is just too damn much fun. Some more gems, saved from the censor(s) (which in itself is just unbelievable):


Barbaro, You'll be here with me soon. Its very hot here, and we get our legs rebroken ever day. I hate humans, they are such hypcrites.
Secretariat; Horse Hell, AK, USA
posted on 2006-05-24 16:50:20

Everybody can stop writing, cause I could care less. I am the living embodiment of pure agony. Thank you for treating my species like a toy. Our existence is hell on earth.
Barbaro, 3; Kendall Square, PA, USA
posted on 2006-05-24 16:59:31

by RectumDamnNearKilledEm on 05/24/06 05:21 PM

They're getting to them pretty quick now. I just saw one that said "Finally I get a pony." signed JonBenet Ramsey. Evil, just pure evil.

by Paper Cut on 05/24/06 05:28 PM

GET WELL SOON. THINKING GOOD THOUGHTS FOR YOU.KISSES.Daisy, a boxer farm dog.
Daisy-belle, 4; louisa, VA, usa
posted on 2006-05-24 17:29:28

WE LOVE YOU BARBARO!!!!! GET WELL SOON!!!!! LOVE, YOUR TWO FELINE FRIENDS, JAMES & DAVID KAVEE PS - LET US KNOW IF YOU NEED ANY CARROTS. WE HATE THEM! J&D, YOUR FELINE FANS!
James & David Kavee, 2; New York, NY, USA
posted on 2006-05-24 17:28:54

Barbaro - You are a champion and a hero. My Mom and I will watch your recovery and pray for you everyday. I hope you have nothing but open fields, fresh air and green grass the rest of your life. Love Caesar (dog)
Caesar Bailey, 1; St. Paul, MN,
posted on 2006-05-24 17:05:58

Dogs and cats love it when you give them last names. It makes them feel so much more special than the pets who just have first names. On the other hand, it makes signing up online for things more time consuming.

Barbaro, You probably will never know or understand the magnitude of the impact you've left on this country. Suffice to say, millions are counting on your recovery. Don't let us down!
Mary Jane Riggs; Muncie, IN, USA
posted on 2006-05-24 17:30:35

That's nice. Put all the pressure on him.

Barbaro, please do not tire yourself out replying to so many loving emails. You deserve each and every one. Remember to sit when your front hooves are on the keyboard so that your weight is not all on your hind legs. Judy
Judy, 47; Trenton, NJ, U.S.
posted on 2006-05-24 17:26:37

You know, I don't think this one is a joke.

by Dweeze on 05/24/06 05:34 PM

A Haiku:
Run Barbaro, Run
You're going to win! Oh Snap!
You're now adhesive

Maya A., 29; wilmington, DE,
posted on 2006-05-24 17:37:46

Hey, this IS fun!

by Luckless Pedestrian on 05/24/06 05:39 PM

Holy crap, Skeets, I 'bout peed my pants ...

by Jen P on 05/24/06 05:43 PM

Man, I tried to be nice, and they still deleted it.

Get well soon! I'd give you a hug, but being a mean-tempered beast, you'd just rear up and kick me. Or bite me. Anyway, I hope you get to start rearing and biting soon, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
CC, 27; Brooklyn, NY, USA
posted on 2006-05-24 17:41:20

by Captain Caveman on 05/24/06 05:46 PM

Some of you people are cruel. There are kids on this site.

Barbaro- Let er rip, I can handle the load!
Linda Lovelace, 97; Styxville, TX, USA

In the Derby you reflected God's glory, and took me back to 1973... I'm grateful the Jacksons gave you a chance to fight. God bless your recovery. Some day we will welcome you to the Bluegrass. I will visit you, and whisper to you about GREATNESS.
Bob Bain, 42; Lexington, KY, USA

Bob Bain, I saw that comment! Barbaro does not reflect my glory! He's a goshdarn horse! Two demerits for you pal.
Jesus Christ, 33; Bethlehem, PA, USA

...just kidding. That's awesome.

by Captain Caveman on 05/24/06 06:01 PM

Caveman, now you see what I mean about Assfact -- er, Gasface. That's some funny shit.

by RectumDamnNearKilledEm on 05/24/06 06:11 PM

Barbaro - Milking a broken leg for sympathy? You got some balls. Asshole.

Funny Cide, 6; Saratoga, NY, USA

by Big Daddy Drew on 05/24/06 06:11 PM

Okay, last one... I swear.

GET WELL BARBARO I MADE A KILLING ON YOU IN THE DERBY
Pete Rose, 65; Las Vegas, NV, USA

p.s. Luckless -- that haiku is right up there with Skeets's post.

by Captain Caveman on 05/24/06 06:20 PM

This is the best run of comments I have ever read since coming to Deadspin...I laughed so hard I spit up my linguine w/clams!

by Jacques Bauer on 05/24/06 06:30 PM

All right, I lied. THIS is the last one, and I'm only sharing it because I slipped it through the censors:

Barbaro is quite simply the greatest horse that has ever blessed Western Civilization. To watch him run was like a Beethoven symphony. THROW IT DOWN BIG MAN!!!!
Bill Walton, 59; LA, CA, USA
posted on 2006-05-24 18:33:09

...and I'm spent. I haven't worked this hard since Leinart got photographed outside Paris's house.

by Captain Caveman on 05/24/06 06:45 PM

This one's great:

Hey censors, how come when Dave P writes, "Hope you get a chance to retire to a great pasture with plenty of sunshine and "ladies"!" that's okay, but "shock the puss" is not? You and your horse suck.
Pissed, 28; DC, USA
posted on 2006-05-24 18:19:43

by Basshole on 05/24/06 06:52 PM

Theres some good messages on there. People are fucking retards

by Roger Klotz on 05/24/06 06:59 PM

Thank you for making us so concerned with your leg. However, each year this type of injury happens to around 375 horses. You are getting the spa treatment because your owner is rich, and the other 374 are being consumed by retarded kids.
Dan, 20; Chicago, IL, USA
posted on 2006-05-24 20:15:21

However...it looks like I'm the only realist that has posted within the past few minutes...

Get well soon big fellow, we hear that there are plenty of young ladies waiting to get their hands on you!
John and Carla Chicklinski, 50; Cocoa, FL, USA
posted on 2006-05-24 20:11:06

Beastiality is the cure...I have said this the whole time.

by Go Cubs Go on 05/24/06 08:19 PM

You told...no one?
Capt. Harris from The Police Academy, 55; Los Angeles, CA, USA
posted on 2006-05-24 20:24:21

by That Bootleg Guy on 05/24/06 08:25 PM

MY horse could talk AND surf...

Wilbur Post, 87 (yes I'm alive), Somewhere in the Midwest, USA
posted on 2006-05-24 21:11:24

by Jacques Bauer on 05/24/06 09:12 PM

Man, this is awesome. Thanks so much to you all! I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.

By the way, I agree with those of you who feel that WAY too much attention is being paid to this horse. It's a FUCKING horse. Jesus. No wonder our society is all fucked up.

by metschick79 on 05/24/06 10:08 PM

Barbaro, what the FUCK was that?

Danyelle Sargeant, 27, Bristol, CT, USA

by Bronto on 05/25/06 12:06 AM

Well looks like the censors are not at work again

Sell him for hamburger meat. Amen.
Kookookachoo, 304; DE,
posted on 2006-05-25 00:54:14

Are you people for real?? Do you vote?? If so, this explains so much about the state of this country.
Ron Mexico;
posted on 2006-05-25 00:47:15

Off to the glue factory for you, Barbie!
;
posted on 2006-05-25 00:33:48

by Headhunting Canuck on 05/25/06 01:33 AM

One more:

Barbaro - Wah wah wah. Quit your bitching. I'd give anything to have been glue. Fuck you and the jockey you rode in under.

Ferdinand, Deceased, Somewhere in a petrified dog turd in Japan.

by Big Daddy Drew on 05/25/06 09:03 AM

I hope you're all happy. I laughed so hard at your comments people in my office told me they thought I was crazy.

by SlickBomb on 05/25/06 09:35 AM

Dear Barbaro,

You are hung like a horse.

by filthyfowl on 05/25/06 01:25 PM

I like this site as much as the next guy, but what's weirder? People writing sincere, sympathetic emails to a horse that can't read them or people writing coarse, sarcastic inside jokes to a horse that can't read them and then bragging about it here. It's all so meta.

by Lt. Exley on 05/25/06 04:46 PM

All I want is for this horse to get well or be food.

Chief Wiggums

by Headhunting Canuck on 06/17/06 07:59 PM

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