EXT. CITY APARTMENT DAY

The doorbell rings.

                                  DRACULA
                        Coming.

As Dracula reaches for the knob, the door is kicked in his face.

                                  VAN HELSING
                        I hope you're okay, cause I'm going
                        to kill the shit out of you.

Van Helsing runs toward Dracula, jumps, and kicks, but since he has no martial arts training he just looks foolish. Dracula grabs hold of Van Helsing and the two appear to be hugging, but really it's an intense struggle. The two are punching each other's back and sides until they keel over, with Van Helsing resting on top of Dracula.

                                  VAN HELSING
                        I hope you like your steak rare,
                        cause it's about to get bloody.

Dracula punches Van Helsing in the face.

                                  VAN HELSING
                        Fuck you Dracula!

Van Helsing drives a stake into Dracula's chest, gets up, and wipes sweat from his brow. He surveys the room and robs Dracula. Van Helsing heads for the door, and looks over at Dracula, noting the quality of his pants.

                                  VAN HELSING
                        Nice pants.



INT. VINTAGE CLOTHING STORE DAY

Two employees stand behind a counter, Jason and Chris,              discussing the appearance of customers.

                                  JASON
                 (Indicating a blonde woman.)
                        Would you hit that?

                                  CHRIS
                        Only with a brick.

Van Helsing approaches the counter carrying Dracula's pants.

                                  VAN HELSING
                        How much can I get for these pants?

                                  CHRIS
                        You didn't get those off a dead
                        guy, did you?

                                  VAN HELSING
                        No, undead.

                                  CHRIS
                        Great, I'll give you ten bucks.

                                  VAN HELSING
                        No deal.

                                  CHRIS
                        Twelve?

                                  VAN HELSING
                        Done.

The two exchange pants for money. Van Helsing begins to leave the store.

                                  JASON
                        Hey, you almost forgot to enter our
                        raffle.
                            (Points at fish bowl full
                             of business cards.)

                                  VAN HELSING
                        Oh, man, that was a close one. How
                        could I forget something so
                        important?

                                  CHRIS
                        Well, you're lucky we noticed, or
                        otherwise we'd all be in big
                        trouble.

All nod in agreement. Van Helsing exits.



EXT. ALLEYWAY DAY

The Wolfman and a Mummy meet in the alleyway to discuss their scheme.

                                  WOLFMAN
                        I saw the whole thing, boss. Van
                        Helsing sold Dracula's pants to a
                        vintage clothing store.

                                  MUMMY
                        Excellent. Soon, the moon shall be
                        full and you will bite me. Then, I
                        shall have your powers and, with
                        Dracula's pants, will become the
                        most powerful thing ever! Then
                        you'll get your money.

                                  WOLFMAN
                        I'll buy a fast car and use it to
                        get lots of chicks.

                                  MUMMY
                            (Sarcastically)
                        Yeah, I'm sure that'll help.



INT VINTAGE CLOTHING STORE DAY

A customer is trying on Dracula's pants.

                                  CHRIS
                        How long has that guy been trying
                        on those pants?

                                  JASON
                        Like ten minutes. I'll go check in
                        on him.
                            (Jason knocks on fitting
                             room door. )
                        Sir, are you alright? Sir? Sir?
                        Sir? Sir? He's not answering.

Jason opens the door to reveal the customer, laying on the ground with Dracula's pants around his ankles.

                                  JASON
                        Crap ass! He's on the floor; call
                        an ambulance.
                            (Jason begins slapping the
                             man's face while Chris
                             calls for help.)

                                  CHRIS
                            (On the phone.)
                        No, he's unconscious. I don't know
                        if he's breathing. My friend's
                        slapping him right now.
                            (Pause)
                        Jason, stop slapping him!
                            (Hangs up the phone. )
                        They said they'd be here in two
                        minutes.

                                  JASON
                        What about the pants?

                                  CHRIS
                        What about them?

                                  JASON
                        We can't let them take the store's
                        pants. That's profit.

                                  CHRIS
                        You're right. Take them off.

                                  JASON
                        Why me?

                                  CHRIS
                        One two three not it.

                                  JASON
                        You can't do one two three not it
                        when there's just two people.
                        Besides, one two three not it!

                                  CHRIS
                        Shit!
                            (Removes Dracula's pants
                             from the customer. )
                        Where are his pants?

                                  JASON
                        I don't see them anywhere.

                                  CHRIS
                        Well, hopefully the paramedics
                        won't notice.

Two Paramedics enter.

                                  PARAMEDIC ONE
                        Where is he?

                                  CHRIS
                        Right there. (Points at dead guy.)

                                  PARAMEDIC ONE
                        Where are his pants?

                                  CHRIS
                        We don't know.

                                  PARAMEDIC ONE
                        What do you mean you don't know?

                                  JASON
                        There's no time for that right now!
                        This man is dieing.

                                  PARAMEDIC ONE
                        He's already dead.

                                  JASON
                        Well, get him out of here!

Paramedics put the body on a stretcher and wheel it out of the store.

                                  CHRIS
                        Hey, do you think we can use this
                        as an excuse to close the store
                        early?

                                  JASON
                        Definitely. Let's go get shitfaced.

                                  CHRIS
                        Hooray!
                            (Both high five.)

The following noon, Chris and Jason enter the vintage clothing store, outside of which an ambulance is parked.

                                  OWNER
                        Where were you two assbags? I had
                        to open the store myself and then
                        one of the customers died on me.
                        Here, throw out these pants.
                            (Throws Dracula's pants to
                             Chris.)
                        And you, get behind the counter.
                            (Owner leaves.)

                                  JASON
                        Wow, that's weird. Those are the
                        same pants from yesterday.

                                  CHRIS
                        Yeah. It's a shame to just throw
                        them out. I'm going to give them to
                        that homeless guy that lives down
                        the street.

Chris exits and returns five minutes later. Time passes and now it's six PM. The store is empty as the Wolfman and a Mummy, who is now covered with patches of fur, enter. Wolfman locks the door behind him.

                                  CHRIS
                        Oh Jesus Christ! Shit. Balls. Fuck!
                        It's The Wolfman and a Mummy. And
                        the Mummy has a gun.

                                  JASON
                        How do you think the Mummy got that
                        gun?

                                  MUMMY
                        I killed a guy for it.

                                  CHRIS & JASON
                        Oh no!
                            (Mummy punches Chris in
                             the face.)

                                  CHRIS
                        We better do what he wants, that
                        hurt.

                                  MUMMY
                        I want those pants.

                                  JASON
                        Dude, the Mummy's queer.

                                  MUMMY
                            (Mummy punches Chris in
                             the face again.)
                        Not your pants. The killer pants!

                                  CHRIS
                            (Rubbing his jaw. )
                        I gave them to a homeless man.

                                  MUMMY
                        Take me to him.
                            (The four exit the store.)
                        You know, you shouldn't make fun of
                        gay people like that. There's
                        nothing wrong with that.

                                  JASON
                        Dude.

                                  MUMMY
                        Shut up.



EXT ALLEYWAY DAY

A large cardboard box covered with a tarp, outside of which stick out a homeless man's legs. The Mummy pulls off the tarp to reveal that the homeless man is dead. His pants are missing and Dracula's pants are around his ankles.

                                  MUMMY
                        Once I put on these pants, I shall
                        be the most powerful thing ever.
                        Then I'm going to make you two beat
                        the shit out of each other because
                        if I beat the shit out of you it'll
                        kill you. And after you're done
                        beating the shit out of each other,
                        I will kill you!
                            (The Mummy puts on
                             Dracula's pants. )
                        I feel it. I feel the power.
                            (Panicking)
                        Draining out of me, oh no!

The Mummy disintegrates into a pile of dust, clumps of hair, and bandages. The pants fall to the ground.

                                  CHRIS
                        Hooray, the mummy's dead!

                                  JASON
                        Yeah. What about him?

                                  WOLFMAN
                        Eh, we're cool. I. Yeah, we're
                        cool.

Then the pants get up and kick the Wolfman in the nards.

                                  WOLFMAN
                        My nards!

The Wolfman keels over and the pants run away.

                                  CHRIS
                        Holy shit! Did you see that? That
                        was awesome.

                                  JASON
                        Yeah! But we got to stop those
                        pants.

                                  CHRIS
                        If I were a pair of killer pants,
                        where would I go?

                                  JASON
                        Well, those pants don't know their
                        way around the city.

                                  CHRIS
                        You're right. To the vintage
                        clothing store!
                            (Both run to the vintage
                             clothing store.)



INT. VINTAGE CLOTHING STORE AFTERNOON

                                  CHRIS
                        Shit, the pants aren't here.

                                  JASON
                        Why would the pants.

                                  CHRIS
                            (Interrupts.)
                        I don't know. I just thought. Wait!
                        The guy that sold us the pants.

                                  JASON
                        Yeah?

                                  CHRIS
                        He'd know what to do.

                                  JASON
                        Why?

                                  CHRIS
                        They're his pants.

                                  JASON
                        Yeah, get his name out of the
                        raffle thing.

                                  CHRIS
                            (Dumps all of the business
                             cards out of the fish
                             bowl and onto the
                             counter. )
                        Which one is he?

                                  JASON
                        We'll have to call all of them.

                                  CHRIS
                        But it's ten o'clock. Is that too
                        late?

                                  JASON
                        Shut up!

                                  CHRIS
                            (Picks up the phone and
                             dials.)
                        Hello. Dr. Wiener? Dr. Wiener
                        Wiener. This is Ralph's Vintage
                        Clothing. Did you sell us a pair of
                        killer pants? Hello? Hello?

                                  JASON
                            (Holding up a single
                             card.)
                        Wait, this guy's name is Van
                        Helsing. It's got to be him.

                                  CHRIS
                        How do you know?

                                  JASON
                        It says, "Yep, that's me," on it in
                        quotes.

                                  CHRIS
                            (Calls Van Helsing. )
                        Van Helsing, we have a situation.
                        Get down to Ralph's Vintage
                        Clothing as fast as you can.

Van Helsing runs into the store, panting.

                                  JASON
                        Why the hell did you sell us those
                        freaking pants? They've killed
                        three people, a Mummy, came to
                        life, kicked the Wolfman in the
                        nards, ran away, and now they're up
                        to who knows what.

                                  VAN HELSING
                        I didn't know.

                                  CHRIS
                        You didn't know? You're Van
                        Helsing.

                                  VAN HELSING
                        No, I'm Doug Van Helsing. I'm Van
                        Helsing's great, great, great,
                        great, grandson. I'm a web
                        designer. I don't know anything
                        about any of this.

                                  JASON
                        But you took out Dracula.

                                  VAN HELSING
                        No, that was Dracula's great,
                        great, great, great grandson. Kevin
                        Dracula. He was a stoner.

                                  JASON
                        I don't care if it was Flip Dracula
                        the Transexual, you're going to
                        help us get those pants. Now what
                        do we do?

                                  VAN HELSING
                        Well, how do you conquer a pair of
                        pants?

                                  WOLFMAN
                        With a belt!
                            (Wolfman is holding a belt
                             and he snaps it.)

                                  VAN HELSING, CHRIS, JASON, & WOLFMAN
                            (All at once.)
                        Wolfman!

                                  WOLFMAN
                        That's right. No one kicks me in
                        the nards and gets away with it.

                                  VAN HELSING
                        Alright, my Toyota's parked
                        outside.

                                  CHRIS
                        To the Toyota!

All run to Toyota.

                                  WOLFMAN
                        Shotgun!

                                  JASON
                        Backseat!



INT. TOYOTA DUSK

The street is littered with pantsless dead people. The pants, which have grown to an inseam of sixty-two and a waist of fifty-six, are chasing a man, who they leap at waist first, engulf, and force out pants less and dead out of their left leg.

                                  WOLFMAN
                        Pull up next to the pants.

EXT. STREET DUSK

The Wolfman jumps out of the car onto the pants and rides them like a bull at a rodeo. Some women walk by and a small crowd gathers. Wolfman gets the belt around the pants' waist and ties them tightly. He jumps off and lets them run off into the distance.

                                  WOLFMAN
                        Those pants are going to starve
                        now.

                                  VAN HELSING
                        I don't think that that's how it
                        works.

                                  CHRIS
                        Yeah, I'm unsatisfied.

Wolfman walks over to the Toyota, turns up the radio so that Working for the Weekend by Loverboy starts playing, and pops the trunk to reveal a cooler full of beers. Wolfman starts passing the beers around and a party breaks loose.

                                  WOLFMAN
                        Satisfied now?

                                  CHRIS
                        Yeah!

Wolfman and Chris raise their beers in celebration.