Deadspin

Tip your editor

ThuAugust132006

We Saw Chris Simms Make A Spinach Dip In A Loaf Of Sourdough Bread Once

chrissimmscoin.jpgNow. We don't want to cast aspersions. We know how life in an NFL locker room goes. You're with each other for half the year, sweating, bleeding, killing yourself out there for the sake of a common goal. You develop a kinship that cannot be quantified by any conventional standards.

You are football players. You are MEN.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Chris Simms had such a bond with receivers coach Kyle (son of Mike) Shanahan, with whom he played at the University of Texas. In fact ... they really have a bond.

Chris Simms and Kyle Shanahan became such good friends at the University of Texas that they have their initials tattooed on each other's lower leg. ... Both players remember when they went with three other close friends and UT teammates -- tight end Bo Scaife, defensive back Rod Babers and receiver Montrell Flowers -- to get their tattoos. "Kyle was a real wimp about it," Simms said

That's right: They have each other's initials tattooed on each other's lower leg. We're really not sure how to handle this information.

UT Friendship Leaves Mark On Simms, Shanahan [Houston Chronicle]

To Watch Tonight

What to watch as a grassroots effort begins to bring new support to the lagging Barbaro HOF campaign ...
• College football: South Carolina at Mississippi State. Remember Bulldogs fans, Dean Wormer says there will be no fun of any kind! [ESPN]
• MLB: San Francisco at Atlanta. Our homer friends in the TBS broadcast booth have given the team permission to print playoff tickets. [TBS]
• Tennis: U.S. Open, men's and women's second round, at New York. Andre, will you just retire already? END IT. [USA]

Deadspin HOF Nominee: Stephen A. Smith

stephenahasalotonhismind.jpgIt's fascinating to us, the long and strangely intricate association we've had with "Quite Frankly With Stephen A. Smith." It seems unusual mostly because just about every Web site we read has more viewers than the program.

It started innocently enough: Back when we were feeling fired up occasionally to actually leave the couch, we paid a visit to a taping of Stephen A.'s show, and we even got on the air. We thought we had a nice relationship; we thought we were in love, or at least had a chance at maybe a foot massage someday.

But wretched ratings and irrelevance are a bitter mistress, and next thing you knew, everything was going wrong for Stephen. The Nielsens were not kind -- not even to the short-lived "Quite Frankly: Afterthoughts" spinoff, amazingly -- and Stephe had his timeslot switched, was hilariously harassed about Cheese Doodles at the NBA Draft and practically begged people at Penn Station in New York to come to his show.

It was this last instance, when a staffer encouraged Cubs bloggers to come boo guest Dusty Baker, that pushed Stephen A. to spurn our affections once and for all. Baker cancelled his appearance, and for whatever reason (probably because he was LYING), Stephen A. blamed little ole us for the misstep. Later, faced with irrefutable evidence, he fessed up, but by then, the die was cast. As it is with Stephen A.'s show, which even he seems resigned to its cancellation: "I don't know [whether the show will make it to a second anniversary]. I don't know if I'm going to want to [continue]. ... For me it never has been about just being on TV. I'm about success." True. So damned true. Because you know what? EVERYTHING HE SAYS IS IMPORTANT!

But is he a Hall of Famer? Remember, 75 percent is the threshold. Vote below: Polls will be open until next Tuesday.

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Leftovers: Final Fulmer Cup Standings

• In addition to all the other amazing things they're doing today, Every Day Should Be Saturday crowns Marshall University with the coveted Fulmer Cup. [Every Day Should Be Saturday]
• Maybe we're crazy, but this seems like an odd person to sing a song about football, no? [Los Angeles Times]
• OK, everybody, let's buy a NASCAR car. [eBay]
• The sad tale of Cooper Manning. [Manning Family Reunion]
• Jeez, now ESPN is even letting Web people like Will Carroll on TV. [ESPN]
• The Bachelor can't even make it in the CFL anymore. [Out Of Left Field]

NFL Season Preview: Chicago Bears

muhsinhappy.jpgWe are officially less than a month before the start of the NFL season, so it's probably time to start previewing the monster. The key to the NFL's success -- other than fantasy football and gambling, of course -- is the rabid nature of its fans. That is to say: You don't see a lot of people painting their faces for their favorite golfer.

We asked a gaggle of writers, from the Web, from print, from books, even a TV guy or two, to tell us, in as many or as little words as they need, why My Team Is Better Than Your Team. This is not meant to be factual, or dispassionate, or even logical: We just asked them to riff on why they love their team so much, or what their team means to them, or whatever. We will be running two a day until the beginning of the NFL season.

Right now: the Chicago Bears. Your author is Mike Cetera.

Mike Cetera is the opinions editor at the Aurora Beacon-News. His words are after the jump.

continue reading »

You Know This Took About Eight Days To Film, And He Kept Pinching PA's Asses

We'd like to thank The Basketball Jones for this arcane piece of beauty, featuring the Fresh Prince playing an imaginary game against a guy who just know he'll try to sign someday.

Actually, "Renaldo Balkman" does sound like the type of guy who would hang out in Bel Air ...

"Hey, Marbury, Just Pass It To Will" [The Basketball Jones]

Don't Forget That Skip's Leaving Too!

deadspinabylessend.jpgAs the Daily Quickie goes to that big Internet scrap heap in the sky, we remind you that a truly joyous occasion is also happening this week: Skip Bayless is leaving Page 2 for good.

We were hoping someone would do this, and Awful Announcing has obliged us: A (mostly) complete rundown of the most ridiculous statements Bayless has made, by year. Frankly, there are so many to choose from -- we're reminded of the great "if Skip Bayless covered the crucifixion" parody -- that any list is going to seem incomplete. You can pretty much pick any Bayless column at any time, choose a line and wonder if this human is actually made of the same bile and blood and piss and shit as the rest of us.

So yeah: Fun game.

Best/Worst Of Skip Bayless: 2004 [Awful Announcing]
It's The End Of A Cranky, Twerpy Era At Page 2 [Deadspin]
If Skip Bayless Covered The Crucifixion [Deadspin]

Throw It DOWN, Big Man!

So you know how Lakers forward Luke Walton was supposed to make a guest appearance on "The Young & The Restless" earlier this week? Wait: You didn't know that? What's wrong with you?

Anyway, here's Bill's boy's dramatic debut. It is, in a word ... AW, THAT'S JUST TERRIBLE!

Things That PETA Is Better Off Not Knowing About, No. 112

donkey2.jpgIf you're like us, you frequently ask yourselves, "where can I find top, reliable donkeys for my donkey sporting event?" Fortunately we found Donkey Sports, Inc., and our troubles are over. For the finest in Donkey Softball and Donkey Basketball events, we highly recommend this company.

But you may well ask: "In this time of great geopolitical unrest, donkey sporting events are just the thing to lift our spirits. But I'm still skeptical; will the donkeys have reliable transportation?" Yes. According to the Web site, Donkey Sports.com guarantees "dependable, self-contained transportation for all donkeys."

The company will also provide::

• Referee and game ball.
• Clean, well-cared for donkeys.
• Valid livestock health certificates.
• Easy to understand game organization information.
• Shoes that will not mark any floor.
• IMMEDIATE euthanasia to avoid any potential Barbaro situation.

That last one may have been ours. Sorry.

Donkey Basketball [Donkey Sports Inc.]

Blogdome: Those Gimpy Sox

• Who's responsible for the sudden near-death experiences of half the Red Sox roster? How about that damned bird from a few weeks back? [Feeding The Monster]
• Tigers fans were rather pleased with Craig Monroe yesterday. [Sweaty Men Endeavors]
• Reggie Theus, not "Hang Time" anymore. [The Realests]
• Those clothes Alyssa Milano is marketing are freaking ridiculous. [Umpbump]
• What the Delmon Young beaning means for Ozzie Guillen. [Fynal Cut]
• Seriously, isn't it weird that the Panthers steroid story has been so quiet? [Treatment Online]
• The Red Sox should be able to get something for David Wells, one would think. [Red Sox Stats Guy]
• The Pac-10 meets Anchorman. [TrojanWire]
• The end of the Koy Detmer era in Philadelphia. [Fortress Of Pillows]
A correction to an earlier Deadspin item: It appears Eric Karros did not say Erin Andrews was hot, which makes him, oh, just about the only heterosexual male not to. [Deadspin]

Deadspin HOF Nominee: The Vikings Sex Boat

goodoldfredsmoot.jpgIt's rare that a big sex scandal involving players happens in the middle of the season, but, then again, not everyone can be the Minnesota Vikings. The sex cruise (for rookies!) last season derailed everything then-coach Mike Tice had planned -- whatever the hell that was -- and supplied countless anecdotes and strange fan costumes.

The story itself was funny, but as more details came in, it became more brilliant. There was the cargo dump, which included "food, beer, champagne bottles, fireworks, disposable camera boxes, hollowed out Swisher Sweets, something that looks like a marijuana bud, sexual and feminine hygiene products and Victoria's Secret underwear." And when the police report came out, the creative genius of Bryant McKinnie and, especially, Fred Smoot, was truly revealed. Double down, baby.

But is it a Hall of Famer? Remember, 75 percent is the threshold. Vote below: Polls will be open until next Tuesday.

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

NFL Season Preview: Miami Dolphins

culpepperdolphinman.jpgWe are officially less than a month before the start of the NFL season, so it's probably time to start previewing the monster. The key to the NFL's success -- other than fantasy football and gambling, of course -- is the rabid nature of its fans. That is to say: You don't see a lot of people painting their faces for their favorite golfer.

We asked a gaggle of writers, from the Web, from print, from books, even a TV guy or two, to tell us, in as many or as little words as they need, why My Team Is Better Than Your Team. This is not meant to be factual, or dispassionate, or even logical: We just asked them to riff on why they love their team so much, or what their team means to them, or whatever. We will be running two a day until the beginning of the NFL season.

Right now: the Miami Dolphins. Your author is John Bolster.

John Bolster is the sports editor of Penthouse magazine. His words are after the jump.

continue reading »

Yeah, Your Mother. Seriously, Your Mother

ERICzornrealfool.jpgWe do love a good athlete-journalist feud -- considering it's rare that either species acknowledges the other as an actual human being enough to hate them -- but there's something special about the bizarre "fight" between Chicago Tribune writer Eric Zorn and Chicago-born speedskater Shani Davis.

Zorn, back in February, chided Davis for being such, well, a weirdo during the Olympic Games, and a "writer" at Davis' Web site wrote an "editorial" that called Zorn a Nazi. (The "editorial" is the attached picture.)

More went on after this, but our favorite part of this story is that apparently someone claiming to be Davis' mother actually contacted Zorn's mom to make sure she saw the "editorial."

This is, of course, out of hand, an invasion of privacy, all that. But we still think it's kind of a brilliant idea. You're really not curious to see if Jay Mariotti was actually born of an earthly woman? What in the world is/was Skip Bayless' mom like?

Classy Local Speedskater Shani Davis Responds To Criticism [Chicago Tribune]

We Have To Ask ...

Suggested questions for today's ESPN SportsNation chatters ...
Noon: NCAA FB with Todd McShay: We still say that this title sounds like a Nickelodeon sitcom.
1 p.m. NFL with Keith Kidd: Can I take issue with ESPN's 'Top 10 Toughest Players in the NFL' list, even though I have no plans to read it?
4 p.m. Football Scientist KC Joyner: You have won the Nobel Prize in Chemistry of my heart.

Embrace Me, My Sweet Inflatable You

raftdoll2.jpgThe competitive sex doll rafting community is still reeling over Tuesday's shocking conclusion to the Bubba Bobble Challenge Sex Doll Races tournament near St. Petersburg. We briefly touched on this yesterday, but we want our readers to know that we are going to stay with this story, and all of its worldwide ramifications, no matter where the facts lead us. The recap from MosNews.com:

At a juries' command participants jumped into the water. Strong wind and flow snatched out resilient dolls from strong men's hands, and only Igor Osipov, 40, resolutely approached to the finish. The jury then noticed Osipov's strange position and told him to moor. When he came out of the water, gazers saw signs of recent sexual activity on the swimmer's doll. The jury found the swimmer guilty of sexual abuse of the apparatus and disqualified him.

In our opinion, Last of the Mohicans would have been a much stronger book if they had used inflatable sex dolls instead of canoes.

Participant Of Sex Dolls Rafting Tournament Disqualified For Sexual Abuse Of Apparatus [MosNews]

(UPDATE: Wikipedia's sex doll entry is some mighty interesting reading indeed).

R.I.P., Daily Quickie

shanoffdunkdunkface.jpgAnd, with an oddly muted whimper -- did anyone at ESPN even notice it was ending? -- The Daily Quickie has shuffled off this mortal coil.

Dan Shanoff ended the nearly four-year morning reign of the Jeez, How Does He Get Up So Early? column today with a simple, "Two Words: Fun. Run."

Not sure what Shanoff's going to be up to, post-ESPN -- though it appears that he has some sort of blog thing that would presumably give updates and the sort -- or what ESPN will be doing to fill the spot. (The column, and Shanoff's time there, both seem to be ending.)

Whatever your thoughts on Shanoff or the column, as several commenters have pointed out, the Daily Quickie was somewhat instrumental in helping many people find their way to these here parts, so we'll always have a soft spot. We will not, however, adopt the whole "Two. Words" thing. We are far too windy and verbose for that. We wish good luck to Mr. Shanoff and hope he someday sells a big ESPN tell-all where he has to show us where on the doll Tirico touched him.

The Daily Quickie [ESPN]

Collect Your Miniature Violent Soccer Fans

littlehooliganz.jpg

See, here's an idea we can get behind. A British toy company is producing Little Hooliganz, actions figures of the crazed fans of each of the English Premiership teams. You've got Terrible Henry from Arsenal, Dangerous Dirk from Chelsea and Ard Man Aaron from Newcastle. For those who prefer their soccer figurines to be violent and unpredictable, these are your toys.

According to Little Hooliganz Web site, "due to the threat of legal action by the Premier league, Blighty Collectables are currently unable to sell any Little Hoooliganz." We can't imagine why they might be upset.

Soon You'll Be Able To Trade Hooligan Action Figures [The Offside]
Little Hooliganz [Official Site]

The Closer: It's Easy Being Green

zito.jpgNotes from a day in baseball:

1. Macha, Macha Man ... The Bay Area's other Barry has legitimate tax returns, and as far as we know the grand jury is not interested in going through his trash. "More than anything, we're a relaxed bunch of guys and we don't put pressure on ourselves," said Barry Zito (15-8), who on Wednesday outpitched Curt Schilling as the Athletics beat the Red Sox 7-2 for a three-game sweep. Schilling got his 3,000th career strkeout (he's 14th on the career list), but you can pretty much begin stacking the folding chairs in Boston, Sox fans. Meanwhile, Oakland is in first place in the AL West, eight games up on the Angels.

2. We Remember: 1958. The Dodgers went 21-7 in August, tying their most successful month since they moved from Brooklyn. It's not all because of Greg Maddux, but his arrival from he Cubs didn't hurt. Maddux earned his 330th win (10th on the all-time list) as LA beat the Reds 7-3.

3. White Sox Are Disrespectful To Dirt. Can You See That We Are Serious? Tadahito Iguchi's two-out, two-run home run in the eighth tied the game, and Jim Thome won it with a single as the White Sox beat the Devil Rays 5-4, increasing their wild-card lead over the Twins to 1 1/2 games.

4. Mystery Of The Misplaced 'h' . Jhonny Peralta homered off of closer B.J. Ryan with two out in the 10th as our old friends the Cleveland Indians completed a three-game sweep of the Fightin' Blue Jays, 3-2.

5. Today's Baseball Question. How do you get 20 hits and still not win? Did we mention that you are the Cubs? Freddy Sanchez's two-run single in the 11th provided the Pirates with an 11-9 win.

  Next page

Advertise with Deadspin