It's nice to see that the Vikings were able to make time to pick this year. Things can get awfully busy this time of year. The Vikings have a lot of needs, but sexual deviant isn't one of them. There, they appear to be stocked. Let's hope they take someone who likes sailing.

MDS, who will be the Vikings life preserver?

17. Minnesota Vikings: Chad Greenway, LB, Iowa
Greenway was a hog and cattle farmer growing up. We don't want to label him as a small-town hick or anything, but it's probably safe to say he's never seen anything quite like the rookie boat party the Vikings are planning for this year.

In what is gleefully only the first of an eventual three sex boat trials -- it's like they're structuring the legal system just to make us happy -- a Minnesota jury convicted ex-Vikings fantasy football touchdown vulture Moe Williams with one count of disorderly conduct yesterday, sentencing him to ... pay a $300 fine and do 30 hours of community service. (Not that we're complaining, but, uh, they have full jury trials for things you pay $300 fines for? We think we got that much in parking tickets this week in LA. Not that we're paying them, mind you. What, the cops are gonna track us down in our rental car? Come get some, coppers! Yeah, you heard us.)

Williams was acquitted of the misdemeanor charges of lewd and lascivious behavior and indecent conduct charges and blasted prosecutors for going after him simply because he's black, pointing out that the white captain sucked a boob or two on the boat as well, and nobody's charging him 300 bucks.

The trials of fellow Vikings Fred "Double Donger" Smoot and Bryant "Salad Bar" McKinnie have yet to begin, though they are facing the same charges as Williams was. Wait ... shouldn't Smoot be charged with two counts?

Ex-Viking Guilty On One Count, Not Guilty On Two [Minneapolis Star-Tribune]

We love minor league baseball promotions, and we love anything that brings the words "Fred Smoot" and "boat" back into the public consciousness. So we're very happy people this morning.

The St. Paul Saints, the minor league baseball team ran by Mike Veeck, is giving away miniature Minnetonka Queen boats for the 30th anniversary of the Love Boat and "may remind fans of another well-known Twin Cities area vessel that has been in the news. " The date is May 27, and one forgives Fred Smoot for showing up and thinking the "Love Boat giveaway" would allow him a very different freebie that it actually does.

By the way, other Saints promotions include "VHS Demolition Night," the "Buddha Giveaway" and "Billy Murray Bobblehead Night." The Saints are just about the only thing we can think of that makes us sad we don't live in Minnesota.

A Boat Load Of Promotoins Set For 2006 [Saints Baseball]

(UPDATE: Do not anger Minnesota residents, apparently; the mailbox was flooded almost immediately. It's not like we don't like Minnesota; every time we've been there, we've enjoyed ourselves. It's just that, you know, it's kinda cold. That's all. Honest.)

New Dolphins quarterback Daunte Culpepper need not worry about the potential new ramifications of the term "lap dance" from jail; he has been cleared of all charges in the sex boat incident. His former teammate Moe Williams was not so lucky; he'll still have to strand trial, along with decidedly more ribald charges against Fred "Double Header" Smoot and Bryant McKinnie.

This difficult time in the life of Culpepper started, of course, with a simple rookie hazing and turned into Wild On Frozen Lakes. Culpepper is free now, but the other three players are still contesting the charges, which means this surely will be a gift that keeps on giving.

Sadly, this means we must say goodbye to Mr. Culpepper, who probably never belonged in this story anyway, considering he was just playing dice while a dancing woman did some random orifice insertions just a few feet away. We are not sure this will inspire his new teammates to be lead into battle by Culpepper; the whole incident seems to label him a follower, not a leader.

Fred Smoot, however ... that's a player you can get behind. So to speak.

Sex Boat Charges Dropped Against Culpepper [Minneapolis Star Tribune]
The Full Report On The Sex Boat [Deadspin]

So the Vikings sex boat trial in Minnesota is going on, like, right now. Well, kind of; former quarterback Daunte Culpepper and fullback Moe Williams are trying to talk a judge into dismissing charges against them. The two players were charged, pretty much, with receiving lap dances, which has spun our legal system into motion: They've spent all morning attempting to define what a "lap dance" is. It's pretty great.

Judge Kevin Burke questioned the attorneys as he tried to define a legal definition of a lap dance, saying he knows of no relevant case law.

Both attorneys claimed that the details in the criminal complaint were not specific enough to reach what is typically considered a lap dance. ...

Prosecutor Steve Tallen responded in court that he thinks it's clear what the definition of a lap dance would be and that he didn't need to be more specific in the criminal complaint. He said that if Burke dismisses these charges, he would refiled them with more specifics about lap dances.

Man, the world just isn't the same if it doesn't have Mike Tice as a head coach in it. We claim no expert knowledge in the growing field of The Specific Parameters Of Lap Dances And Their Various Permutations, but we rest easy, knowing that the Minnesota legal system is all over it.

Hearing On Vikings Boat Scandal Focuses On Defining Lap Dance [Minneapolis Star-Tribune]

The Orlando Sentinel and FOX Sports are reporting that the trade is official: Daunte Culpepper has been traded to the Miami Dolphins.

Culpepper had demanded a trade, even though he was most of last season and wasn't particularly effective the short time that he played. The Vikings received a second-round pick in return. The move could free up Drew Brees to sign with New Orleans, which could have draft implications as well.

You what the good news is, though? There are tons -- TONS! -- of boats in Miami. What could possibly go wrong?

Report: Culpepper To Dolphins [Orland Sentinel]

Day one of the NFL's free agent season was fairly quiet with none of the really big names finding new homes. The Cleveland Browns have made the biggest splash so far, singing offensive linemen LeCharles Bentley, Kevin Shaffer, and wide receiver Joe Jerevicius.

Bentley, as you can see above, is extremely proud of his ugly new uniform, showing if off like he was Johnny Weir with a new sequined jumper.

The Vikings also made a little bit of noise, which is not surprising, considering the, um, perks, that they can offer players. They resigned Koren Robinson and brought in kicker Ryan Longwell, linebacker Ben Leber, and running back Chester Taylor. The Ravens offered Chester a 5-year deal worth $17 million, but he opted instead to take the Vikings offer of 4 years, $14 million, and full access to Fred Smoot's library of nautical pornography and buoyant sex toys.

The big names like Edgerrin James, LaVar Arrington and Drew Brees remain available.

Edit: The Browns also signed today defensive tackle Ted Washington and punter Dave Zastudil. Geez.

Fabulosity in Cleveland and Chile [Rangelife]
Ravens looking at Jackson, Adams [Ravens Insider]

Is it possible to ever get tired of the Vikings sex boat story? We think it's not. We're pretty sure, actually.

Anyway, Vikings Daunte Culpepper and Moe Williams have asked the charges filed against them regarding the Lake Minnetonka incident be dropped because of racial bias against them, claiming that other people on the boat who were white were not charged. They claim the (white) captain of the boat "touched a woman's exposed breast with his mouth while he piloted the boat." Which, by the way, is exactly what happened on our boat trip, minus the captain, exposed breast and "woman."

To remind you of the full charges in the case, both Culpepper and Williams were accused of receiving lap dances ... and that was about it. (The real fun involved Fred Smoot and Bryant McKinnie.) These are lighter "offenses," we think, than trying to drive a boat with a boob in your mouth. We agree with the two Vikings and encourage Minnesota authorities to arrest the captain as well, so that he, and the woman, might tell their testimony. Slowly.

Culpepper Raises Race Issue In Boat Party Charges
The Full Report On The Sex Boat [Deadspin]

The St. Paul Pioneer-Press has an annual contest called "Average Joe Columnist," in which a field of 16 non-journalists submit sports articles, and are judged American Idol-style by sports editor Mike Bass and columnist Bob Sansevere. The latter, it seems, fancies himself in the Simon Cowell role -- one of his critiques of an amateur scribe during the 2005 contest including the line: ``He attempted to be clever. And failed.'' Well, you should know, Bob. More after the vital statistics.

Name: Bob Sansevere.

Writes for: St. Paul Pioneer-Press.

Has covered the Vikings since: 1984.

Nicknames: Laziest Columnist on Earth; Slacks.

Most often heard on: KQRS radio (92.5 FM).

Most resembles: Karl Malden.

Most infamous quote: "Denny Green is the the cockroach of NFL coaches."

Best quote by a Deadspin reader: "I've harbored a pretty serious hatred for this pinhead Sansevere since I moved to Minnesota back in 1992. He writes what he is -- the worst type of fan, who starts predicting Super Bowls when the Vikings are 3-0, and rending his garments when they are 3-2."

Sworn enemies: Cyclists.

Sansevere is that breed of sports columnist who thinks that the printed word is just a stepping stone to a bigger prize: A nationally syndicated radio show, or, the Holy Grail -- ESPN Cold Pizza. Sansevere wants to be Woody Paige in the worst way. But if his recent TV exposure is any indication, he may be kidding himself. To that end we present one of our favorite TV moments, as MSNBC's Rita Cosby interviews our Bob in the wake of the Minnesota Vikings sex boat scandal:

COSBY: You know, Bob, how bad did it get on this boat? I've heard just some pretty sick things.

SANSEVERE: Well, I wasn't on board, but what we're dealing with are all the allegations ...

COSBY: You weren't on the boat? I'm glad we cleared that up for the audience.

(LAUGHTER)

Irony department. Just weeks before the sex boat story broke, Sansevere wrote this little nugget: "I miss Randy Moss. And it has nothing to do with him going deep and catching a bomb for six. I'm not some lovelorn fan. I'm a forlorn writer. I miss Moss because, without him, the Vikings are duller than a documentary about crabgrass. There have been no tantrums, no disruptions, no controversies since the Vikings opened training camp. And, sadly, it's not likely to change. From a journalistic standpoint, it's a horrible thing."

Said a Deadspin reader: "Now, I'm saying Bob should have known that Fred Smoot had a penchant for double-ended dildos, but that's the problem with making predictions. We are allowed to make fun of people who in hindsight, look incredibly stupid. Bob looks stupid all the time, and it isn't just hindsight talking."

We went skipping through the Sansevere archives and couldn't believe what we found. Either Twin Cities Online isn't reprinting his columns in their entirety, or our man Bob is dashing off Haiku-length sports observations and passing them off as columns. Example: An entire column which consists of six short graphs. And take a look at this. And this. What's up with these? At least we know he's not being paid by the word.

When he does write at length, Bob is slumber-inducing -- as proven here. You know, come to think of it, that "Average Joe Columnist" idea isn't so bad. Sports columnists such as Sansevere have taken their jobs for granted long enough -- acting like someone has appointed them to the Supreme Court. These should not be lifetime positions. They should be required to actually try. Otherwise, that auto mechanic from Eden Prairie who's been waiting in the wings ought to get his shot.

Bob Sansevere Archive [Twin Cities.Com]

The man you see in this picture is Kevin Rogers. A football lifer, he is most famous for being Donovan McNabb's quarterback coach at Syracuse. He and his wife Betty are the parents of three. Earlier today, Rogers was hired by new coach Brad Childress to become the quarterbacks coach for the Minnesota Vikings. For the last four years, Rogers was the quarterbacks coach at Virginia Tech.

OK. Now let that rattle around your brain there for a moment. The guy who coached Marcus Vick for the last three years is heading to the Minnesota Vikings. Marcus Vick's coach is going to the land of 1,000 sex boats. Which means it's possible -- if you can possible handle this -- that the Vikings could draft Vick, and he could be a part of next year's rookie hazing, and well, criminy, that would be just about the most amazing thing that has ever happened.

Aw, man, what if they drafted Tavares Gooden? The world would be like "Playmakers!" Lawrence Taylor and Joe Namath could coach! Ohpleaseohpleaseohplease let this happen.

Vikings Hire VT QB Coach [ESPN]

Today, the Minnesota Vikings will announce that Eagles offensive coordinator Brad Childress will be their new coach, or, if you can't resist making the same joke everybody else is making this morning, captain of their ship. Childress has been with the Eagles for seven years, and, having seen Requiem For A Dream, should be comfortable dealing with Fred Smoot.

We are proud to report that Childress is the second Eastern Illinois University graduate, along with Mike Shanahan, to coach in the NFL. We, however, would like to suggest to Mr. Childress that, to remain the respect of his players and his fans, wear a hat on the sidelines. It's one thing to be bald, and it's one thing to have a mustache, but it's a whole thing all together to be bald and have a mustache. Which one of those pictures do you respect more? It's not like he's gonna lose the mustache, after all, that would be sacrilege.

Late Coaching Update [Mr. Cheer or Die's Viking Underground]

We don't want to overstate -- and it probably won't happen, anyway -- but if Vikings sex boat gods Daunte Culpepper and Bryant McKinnie get their way, we might be in for the real trial of the century.

Two of the four players indicted in the whole Lake Minnetonka double-dong fiasco pleaded not guilty yesterday to misdemeanor charges and have "demanded a jury trial." To repeat the initial charges for each player, Culpepper is accused of "getting a 'lap dance' from an unidentified, naked female," and McKinnie, getting his money's worth, "picked up a naked woman, placed her on the bar in the lounge and commenced to perform oral sex on her ... at a different time during the evening, [witnesses] saw Mr. McKinnie along with three other unidentified males received oral sex from four women while the men were seated in deck chairs on the boat." Yeah, beat that rap. Why deny it? Hell, pay the freaking fine, take the pats on the back from teammates and go on your way.

Moe Williams, the third Viking indicted, is in court today. Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy.

Culpepper, McKinnie Plead Not Guilty To Charges In Boat Party [Minneapolis Star-Tribune]

(Update: Fred Smoot has now plead not guilty as well. To blatantly steal from commenter MTD: Best. Exhibit A. Ever.)

Imagine, if you will, Ron Artest blasting fans for getting in fights, or Damon Stoudamire organizing a protest against High Times, or Fred Smoot screaming at those who would use contraptions to "please" two women who happened to be lying prostrate on the deck of a boat. Hypothetically speaking.

Vikings coach Mike Tice, continuing his pitch-perfect sense of proper public relations, told the Minneapolis Star-Tribune that there were too many Steelers fans at the Metrodome last weekend and that fans who scalped their tickets "not really diehard season-ticket holders."

We probably don't need to remind you that Tice was nailed by the NFL in March for scalping Super Bowl tickets. Then again, as Vikings fans can tell you, no one would really confuse Tice with a "die-hard" football fan either.

I Guess They Learned From An Expert [SportsQuotes]

Well, here's a surprise: Vikings cornerback Fred Smoot has had a little different first year with the Vikings than he initially thought he would. (Not to be crude, but, uh, "holding a double-headed dildo and moving the dildo while each end was inserted into the vagina of two women" is a phrase that doesn't make it in a lot of season preview mags.)

"Never in my life, ever," said Smoot when asked if he had ever been through a season like this one. "It just didn't go like I expected."

One suspects if every season were like this one, Smoot would be too exhausted to actually play. The good news: Smoot's picking up some endorsements from the whole ordeal. We're big fans of Bubbles' testimonial.

Disrupted Season Keeps Smoot Unusually Quiet [Minneapolis Star-Tribune]
Fred Smoot's Endorsement Deal [The Mighty MJD]
The Full Report On The Sex Boat [Deadspin]