Green Gags
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Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says:
"OK, now what?"
Once upon a time, there were three balloons - Daddy Balloon, Mummy Balloon and Baby Balloon. When Baby Balloon was very young he used to share a bed with Daddy and Mummy Balloon. When Baby Balloon got a bit older, Daddy and Mummy Balloon decided that he should have a bed of his own. In the middle of the first night that Baby Balloon had his own bed, he woke up and felt lonely, so he crept into Daddy and Mummy Balloon's bedroom. Unfortunately, Daddy and Mummy Balloon were sleeping very close together and there was no room for Baby Balloon to sleep between them. So he let out a bit of air from Daddy Balloon, a little from Mummy Balloon and a little from himself. He was then able to squeeze between Mummy and Daddy, and went to sleep.
Next morning, Daddy Balloon woke up, and saw what had happened. He was angry. He said to Baby Balloon:
"This isn't good enough, and has got to stop. You've let me down, you've let Mummy down, and worst of all, you've let yourself down"!
Holy Orders
A man goes to join a very strict and austere group of monks. When he joins they explain the rules: brethren can only say two words ever year.
At the end of the first year, the man, who is finding things just a bit too strict, goes to the Holy Father who asks him what he has to say for his two words.
“I’m cold” says the man.
Away he goes, and the second year is just as tough going. At the end of the year, he goes to the Holy Father who asks him again what he has to say:
“I’m hungry” says the man.
Away he goes, and the third year is just as bad. At the end of the year, he goes to the Holy Father for the third time:
“I’m leaving” he says.
“Thank goodness for that”, says the Holy Father, “you’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”
Where do little fish go in the morning?
Plaice school.
Why are there no asprin in the rainforest?
Because the parrots eat 'em all
"Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a moth."
"I'm sorry, I don't think I can help you.".
"I know, I just saw your light was on."
"What is the definition of a conservative?
A liberal who has been mugged."
"Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a window.
"Where's the pain?"
A lady walks into a bank in London and asks to see the Manager. She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000. The Manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the lady hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the log book and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The Manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the lady for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the lady returns, repays the £5,000 and interest which comes to £15.41. The Manager says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionairess. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"
The lady replies...
"Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
A man in a huge hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced his altitude, and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 45 degrees north latitude and between 9 and 60 degrees west longitude.
"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am!" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", said the woman, "you don't know where the hell you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep. You can feel the intense heat of flames at the back of your head - and now you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in
exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."